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Sometimes its the oddest thing that derails me...
Ok..so I am doing really good....working...planning for the future...even working on pre-planning my own end of life stuff..seeing as I have no children....planning the cruise....felt solid and in control.... Well this past Monday our usual meeting facilitator was on vacation and there was a fill-in..who just happened to…
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Another huge step.....
Hi All....hoping that everyone is coping as best as possible....I see that Fay is headed off on a big RV adventure....hope peace and contentment surround her and her travel buddies and they have an awesome trip. Well the job is going well....I am offically now full time...while that was not my intent I am finding that I…
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Don died and it's a scary, lonely world
Don died 4/13. It will be a while before I get a chance to really grieve for him. His 22-year-old has been violent in the past and is now enraged, both at him and at me and at life in general. Don lent her his car to get to and from work, but although she badgered him to give it to her (starting in December when he was…
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Sleeping and eating
Is it normal to have difficulty eating and sleeping after a death? In the last few months of Don's life I dropped 22 pounds. That's what happens to me when I'm upset; I can look at a lot of food and not eat it. I'm forcing myself to eat something so I haven't lost any more weight lately. It fluctuates by a pound up and…
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Tired of being angry
My name is Josh, I am going on 27, and my mom has been gone since March 25, 2003. She was my best friend, the person who instilled everything good about me, and my favorite person to talk to because she understood better than anyone else. I buried all the pain for 5 years only for it to surface when drunk. Once moving to…
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Silly thinking...maybe....
I am having some inner battles....more time that goes by..more things need doing around the house..each thing brings memories...which is understandable. My problem is that I am finding...that I am trying to do things the way Bill did them..you know...simple household chores....but I am finding that I am doing things…
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One Giant Step...
Well I am about to take the first real step in the moving on process....yesterday I became employed....first time in almost two years...when I stopped working we had hopes of enjoying the golden years together...and well that just didn't happen...my first day is this coming Friday I took a position doing acutal patient…
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do you ever dream of the ones you lost?
both of my grandmothers died. my moms mom and my dads mom and both from breast cancer. one died when i was almost ten and the other almost two years ago. I have had dreams about both of them. but the only one i can remeber of my grandma who died when younger was the day before my other grandma died. which i always find a…
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Triple Whammy
Yesterday was a triple whammy for me. It was that day again, the 20th of the month. I lost Doug on that date eight months ago. It was also our first Fathers Day without him and my birthday. We got to my son's home after midnight, early Sunday morning. I decided to spend the night rather than driving home. When we got up…
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Momma's Gone
She fought this disease, but it was too strong for her. My mother, my best friend, and a truly loving person to all living beings died in my arms on Mother's Day. I don't know how to act, what to say.....I go through my days in a fog, making arrangements, calling friends. But this world will never look the same to me…
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The one month date
I am so vastly confused with this whole grieving process...I was going along quite well all things considered....doing what needed to be done and for the most part feeling that I had a good grip on things. Well fast forward to yesterday...the one month anniversary of Bill's death and it rocked me to my core...immense…
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NCI Stages of Grief for Cancer Patients and Their Families
Here is a link from the National Cancer Institute on the stages of grief for cancer patients and their families: http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/bereavement/Patient/allpages#Section_11 Here is another excellent article dealing with the specific stages of grief experienced by cancer patients written by…
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My dying mother.
I am currently watching my mother die. I am 22 years old and just graduated from college 4 days ago. I have so many different emotions that its very difficult to sort through them all. This all happened so fast. In February, my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Metastatic Melanoma when she went in to have a benign lump…
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lost my love, my life
My husband John passed away on April 6, 2010 from pancreatic cancer, he was sick for 7 weeks total and now he is gone, It started with what he thought was a stomach virus, felt bloated and didn't want to eat, which was not norma;l for him, he was a big guy who loved to eat, we went to our MD who thought he had a stomach…
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Dont know what for breakfast, Is organic peanut butter or organic strawberry good for us?
what are your thoughts and what can I eat for breakfast. I am juicing and using the lemon drink, but does not feel enough. Thanks June
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Stepping Cautiously Towards Some Normalcy
Well I am making some cautious efforts towards re-starting my "new" life. My reason for doing these things now is that I want to be solidly on my new path before the two month anniversary of Bill's death is upon me. I have reduced the ties with his daughter...who has been both an emotional and financial drain on me....this…
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Neulasta!
My mom went to her regular one week after chemo visit to the Onc to check her blood and white cells, she was low in her white blood cells! Dr said she is at 1.9 and she is supposed to be at atleast 4.0! he said she needed to receive the neulasta shot but my mom refused to take it because it is too much for her, she…
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Today I made good on a promise
My husband Bill was quite the gardner...that was his thing....I loved seeing and bragging about the results of course..but never actually got involved in the planting. When Bill got sick....he was concerned that he would not be up to doing the garden this year..it made him sad to think of not having flowers this…
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First post
My husband died April 27 after a nearly three year journey with tonsil cancer. My heart is broken - we have two children - 18 and 20 who have been simply wonderful through all of this. I realize that I am being very hard on myself - I know this grief is very new and raw - but I'm impatient with how terrible I feel and…
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Better In Time
I have to believe this so I can live my life without you..... It's been the longest winter without you I didn't know where to turn to See somehow I can't forget you After all that we've been through Going coming Thought I heard a knock Who's there no one Thinking that I deserve it Now I realize that I really didn't know If…
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Am I being odd and how do I handle this?
I am going up from FL to NJ in Sept. (probably) to take Don's ashes to the family plot. I have been looking forward to that time to rest, see the places we love, relax. The oldest, who's been very nice to me, wanted to come with her three children and make it a family trip, but I told her I needed that time alone.…
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Quotes I've found
If yellow roses grow in Heaven, Lord, pick a bunch for me~Place them in my Dad's arms& tell him they're from me~ Tell him that I miss him& when he turns to smile ~ place a kiss upon his cheek & hold him for a while~ Beceause remembering him is easy~I do it everyday~There's an ache within my heart that.....will never go…
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Obsessive Thoughts?
My husband died 6 months ago after only a short battle with Cancer. He died only 6 months after his diagnosis. He had completed a full round of chemo & radiation. He was admitted to the hospital for low oxygen and blood levels (the first "complication") since his diagnosis. He was in the hospital for 11 days total and…
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Oh now this is something new....
This morning I literally woke up and started to cry....for not apparent reason...I had just woken up and truthfully there was not a thought in my head. Maybe still swirling around from yesterday...don't know. Truth be told there is another huge factor at work here...three days ago I quit smoking....it made no sense to keep…
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The anniversary....
Hi...have not been here in a bit of awhile....I needed to let go of some of the grieving and get back to trying to establish my "new Normal"... On the 11th of May Bill and I would have celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary...I started to panic the day before...went though all of my recent memories...trying yet again to…
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Mother's Day without my best friend
For several days now I have been dreading Mother's Day. This Mother's Day was to be very special for my husband and I because on October 2, 2009 we gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy, after having three prior miscarriages. Shortly after Dakotas birth Donald began to complain about shortness of breath. He was an…
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Here we go again
Hello. Yesterday was the first Mother's Day without my mom and it was rough. I won't lie. We went down to my inlaws to spend the day with them which is nice since they are both in their 80's and we all know, we aren't going to live forever. We also went to the hospital to visit my BIL. He has Stage IV Esophageal cancer. He…
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doctors and bad bedside mannors
I just took my 10 year old daughter to the doctor last night because she was running a high fever and she could hardly walk and crying her head was hurting. I had to keep calming her down because she was sure she was dying like my husband her dad did almost 4 months ago with esophigial cancer. She had the same complaints…
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One Week gone by...
Today is one week since my Best Friend left me....and today I begin my offical transition to being alone with myself and our memories. Today Bills daughter is going home...she does not want to and neither do I..she is concerned about me and so am I. But truth be told....I am now craving some time to be alone with my…
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from an oncology nurse
I have been an oncology nurse for the past 3 years at a major medical center in northern california. I became a nurse because my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001. She went into remission, relapsed, went into remission again, and relapsed for the final time. I lost her October 31st 2009. We were very close and I…