Here we go again

Cindy Bear
Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
Hello. Yesterday was the first Mother's Day without my mom and it was rough. I won't lie. We went down to my inlaws to spend the day with them which is nice since they are both in their 80's and we all know, we aren't going to live forever. We also went to the hospital to visit my BIL. He has Stage IV Esophageal cancer. He is terminal. Diagnosed last year, same day as my mom (Fri. the 13th) and he's already lived beyond prognosis. It's been almost 15 mos. They originally thought it was stomach cancer that had grown up into the Esoph. but now they've determined it started in the Esoph. No difference in prognosis though. He's had all the treatment he can have, chemo and radiation. Surgery wasn't an option because it's advanced and he has a pre-existing heart condition. They put a stent in but the cancer is growing up and thru the stent. He's been on a liquid diet for 2 mos now. It's just a matter of time. No cancer is a good cancer but this one seems particularly cruel. His wife, his siblings, his grown sons all seem to be handling it well. But it really tore me up inside yesterday seeing him, just being in the hospital in that ward. The ward for terminally ill people. The smell of disinfectant, seeing in a couple of rooms, bald, listless people hunched under covers. I hope we can all find the strength to get through the coming weeks. Thanks for listening.

Comments

  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    #2
    Finding the strength
    I hear you Cindy Bear. I lost the love of my life 4 months ago today from Esophageal cancer. He had chemo radiation and then the surgery which was 10 hours and very hard on him. My husband was on a liquid diet for 5 months and hated it, he lived only 10 months after he was diagnosed. This cancer for me was harder than others I have seen although I was much closer with this because it was my own husband. Its hard to see them in so much pain and so feable yet we have to be strong for them. Be strong and know you make their day vistiting them. Haley
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Another person with Cancer
    It seems particularly hard now to hear about and see another person with cancer. Visiting them is very important and hard. I know Doug really appreciated those who came to see him toward the end. One high schooler who had lost a brother to cancer came to say good bye. Doug was particularly touched by his visit. Take care, Fay
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    #4
    grandmafay said:

    Another person with Cancer
    It seems particularly hard now to hear about and see another person with cancer. Visiting them is very important and hard. I know Doug really appreciated those who came to see him toward the end. One high schooler who had lost a brother to cancer came to say good bye. Doug was particularly touched by his visit. Take care, Fay

    Enjoying the visit
    I know that my husband Sonny enjoyed the friends that did visit so much and almost cried when some of our close friends didn't come around when he was in and out of the hospital and at home when he was dying. We had two friends come by weekly and Sonny would light up when they came by. It made his day. So as hard as it may be it really does make a huge difference to that person. I am sure Doug was very happy when he was visited by the high schooler. It says alot just to stop by. Thinking of you. Haley
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #5
    We are Woth You
    Hi Cindy Bear Happy belated Mother's Day to you! How wonderful it was for you to go visit your inlaws. I am sure this made their day. We have spoke before about your bil. My dad's cancer journey was exactly the same, including the heart condition. It is just a matter of time. I would suggest to take him home as soon as possible. Let him be in familiar surroundings. Not that dreaded cancer floor. Dad truly hated being there, and honestly, so did I. I can relate to the smell. Ugh. The poor people, so sick, so weak, such pain....really, what is the point? Once someone is determined terminal, do not bother with the hospital, let them go home, and pass peacefully. I would also suggest calling in hospice. They are wonderful not only for the patient, but for the entire family. Hospice will teach all of you how to accept death, how to deal with it. They will prepare you. Give him your blessing, give him that peace. As far as your mom is concerned....of course you feel this way. I will feel this way on Father's Day. How about if we think of it this way...this will be their first MD, FD in heaven. And what a great place they are. This is one of the best ones they will have. Do not worry, we will see them again and spend eternity together. Peace be with you. Keep in touch. Prayers to your bil and his family.
    Tina
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #6
    We are Woth You
    Hi Cindy Bear Happy belated Mother's Day to you! How wonderful it was for you to go visit your inlaws. I am sure this made their day. We have spoke before about your bil. My dad's cancer journey was exactly the same, including the heart condition. It is just a matter of time. I would suggest to take him home as soon as possible. Let him be in familiar surroundings. Not that dreaded cancer floor. Dad truly hated being there, and honestly, so did I. I can relate to the smell. Ugh. The poor people, so sick, so weak, such pain....really, what is the point? Once someone is determined terminal, do not bother with the hospital, let them go home, and pass peacefully. I would also suggest calling in hospice. They are wonderful not only for the patient, but for the entire family. Hospice will teach all of you how to accept death, how to deal with it. They will prepare you. Give him your blessing, give him that peace. As far as your mom is concerned....of course you feel this way. I will feel this way on Father's Day. How about if we think of it this way...this will be their first MD, FD in heaven. And what a great place they are. This is one of the best ones they will have. Do not worry, we will see them again and spend eternity together. Peace be with you. Keep in touch. Prayers to your bil and his family.
    Tina
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #7
    We are With You
    Hi Cindy Bear Happy belated Mother's Day to you! How wonderful it was for you to go visit your inlaws. I am sure this made their day. We have spoke before about your bil. My dad's cancer journey was exactly the same, including the heart condition. It is just a matter of time. I would suggest to take him home as soon as possible. Let him be in familiar surroundings. Not that dreaded cancer floor. Dad truly hated being there, and honestly, so did I. I can relate to the smell. Ugh. The poor people, so sick, so weak, such pain....really, what is the point? Once someone is determined terminal, do not bother with the hospital, let them go home, and pass peacefully. I would also suggest calling in hospice. They are wonderful not only for the patient, but for the entire family. Hospice will teach all of you how to accept death, how to deal with it. They will prepare you. Give him your blessing, give him that peace. As far as your mom is concerned....of course you feel this way. I will feel this way on Father's Day. How about if we think of it this way...this will be their first MD, FD in heaven. And what a great place they are. This is one of the best ones they will have. Do not worry, we will see them again and spend eternity together. Peace be with you. Keep in touch. Prayers to your bil and his family.
    Tina
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #8
    Tina Blondek said:

    We are With You
    Hi Cindy Bear Happy belated Mother's Day to you! How wonderful it was for you to go visit your inlaws. I am sure this made their day. We have spoke before about your bil. My dad's cancer journey was exactly the same, including the heart condition. It is just a matter of time. I would suggest to take him home as soon as possible. Let him be in familiar surroundings. Not that dreaded cancer floor. Dad truly hated being there, and honestly, so did I. I can relate to the smell. Ugh. The poor people, so sick, so weak, such pain....really, what is the point? Once someone is determined terminal, do not bother with the hospital, let them go home, and pass peacefully. I would also suggest calling in hospice. They are wonderful not only for the patient, but for the entire family. Hospice will teach all of you how to accept death, how to deal with it. They will prepare you. Give him your blessing, give him that peace. As far as your mom is concerned....of course you feel this way. I will feel this way on Father's Day. How about if we think of it this way...this will be their first MD, FD in heaven. And what a great place they are. This is one of the best ones they will have. Do not worry, we will see them again and spend eternity together. Peace be with you. Keep in touch. Prayers to your bil and his family.
    Tina

    Sorry!!!
    For not only 2 replys, but 3!!!! Grrrrrrr.....
    Tina
  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    #9
    Tina Blondek said:

    Sorry!!!
    For not only 2 replys, but 3!!!! Grrrrrrr.....
    Tina

    Thanks
    Thanks Tina and everyone for your kind thoughts and well wishes. BIL was supposed to be going home this week if they got his meds adjusted and SIL was going to have hospice come in. They are fortunate that they have a pretty big support system which really helps. I'll let you know how things turn out. we are as usual hoping for the best and preparing for worst. I guess I'm in denial, I keep thinking she's going to call us and tell us he's better and the cancer is gone.. just gone. WOuldn't that be great. But it doesn't work that way does it. Thanks again, hugs, Cindy

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