The anniversary....

bingles

Hi...have not been here in a bit of awhile....I needed to let go of some of the grieving and get back to trying to establish my "new Normal"...
On the 11th of May Bill and I would have celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary...I started to panic the day before...went though all of my recent memories...trying yet again to see any holes in what I did or didn't do for Bill during his last days....wondering yet again if there was anything else I could have done to change the outcome...with the help of a dear friend...I finally got my head around it...there was nothing I could have done differently..the end was already carved in stone...and all of his wishes had been met...I got some comfort.
So on May 11th....I celebrated our marriage...not in the conventional way...but with his grand-daughters...we shopped a bit....acted silly...laughed alot..it was fun..it was as it should have been...this was us...Bill and I..silly...and lord knows he knew that to me shopping is a olympic sport.
I thought alot about him during the day...it was comforting.
I have reconnected with my religious background and have been attending Sunday services...today I had an odd thing while in church...out of no where I felt his presence...I could almost see him...it made me smile...I felt so at ease.
This is the first time since his passing that this has happened..wonder if it had to do with my being in church...it does not matter...I felt his essence...and if thats where he is choosing to connect with me..well I cannot wait until next Sunday.
I am really starting to enjoy the garden...I enjoy getting my hands in the dirt..guess thats because I know that this was his arena...and its really looking good.
I talk to him all the time...been writing a journal...its more like I am talking to him...sharing my thoughts and just the day to day stuff...I enjoy it!
Well thats it..just wanted to tell everyone that were so supportive that I am doing ok....it will never be the same....but it looks to me like it will be better.
Blessings to All.
Pat

halsons

Anniversary
Pat,
Its nice to see that you did something different for your anniversary and had a good time. Mine with be comeing in September and will be my first without Sonny. It makes me feel better knowing things will get easier and gives me ideas on what to do for that day. I celebrated Sonny's birthday this year by taking an airplane ride with my sister and flew all over the valley where we live. It was great. I might even take another plane ride on our anniversary along the beach when the sun is setting. They say it is beautiful and thats what I think might be fun. Gardening is a great way of using your hands and good therapy for you. Keep it up Bill would have smiled knowing you are carrying on his pasion. Sonny loved going to the desert and taking the kids riding on the quads and three wheelers so I have drug the kids out to contine his love and my own with the family. I am glad to hear you are going forward. I need to start a journal I hear that is very good therapy. Keep it up. Thinking of you. Haley

grandmafay

Glad
I am glad you found such a positive way to spend your anniversary. Granddaughters really help. My anniversary is in September, also. I am glad you have been able to reconnect with your religious background. I do think that is a good thing. My faith community has really been there for me. They have asked me to be moderator again which means a lot of meetings and work, but I think it will be good for me. The day before Doug's August birthday our local volunteer fire dept. is having a fundraiser. Our family has purchased a table. Doug was with them for a number of years, and we knew he would like us to support them. I think it will help all of us. One more glad: I am glad you are enjoying the garden. Our son planted a small vineyard in our yard. I even had trouble getting the water going on it the other day. The system has never worked quite right. Our son is going to try to get up next week to check on it. I did finally get it watered, but I had to spend quite a bit of time on it. This weekend my son, granddaughter and I went to one of our vintage paper shows in San Francisco. That always offers interesting people watching. This Sunday was even more interesting because they had their Bay to Breakers event. They really dress up for that. We had a rabbit, ballerinas, psychedelic creature, and men in short cheerleading skirts come through just to name a few. Fun! Keep us posted, Fay