Stepping Cautiously Towards Some Normalcy

bingles
bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
Well I am making some cautious efforts towards re-starting my "new" life.
My reason for doing these things now is that I want to be solidly on my new path before the two month anniversary of Bill's death is upon me.
I have reduced the ties with his daughter...who has been both an emotional and financial drain on me....this was nothing new...Bill and I struggled with her and her issues for too long of a time....but now with him not here....dealing with her is impossible for me.
I pray that she finds her way...but she will need to do it without me....at least not on a daily basis.
Another leap of faith I took is calling my old job....left 1 1/2 yrs ago...thinking I would be retired....they have positions available...need to sort out exactly what I want...have an interview this coming Thursday.
So with getting back to work and getting shed of some emotional issues....I should really start to regain my place in the functioning world.
Even with these proactive actions...I intend to give myself a solid year to continue to sort out everything....I know there is no quick fix with this....but this is a really good start....the pain of loss will more than likely always be a part of me now....it just does not have to define me....Bill didn't want that to happen to me!
I want to thank everyone that posts here....I got so much internal energy from reading the posts...and comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this struggle....everyone here is struggling with horrific loss.....
Thanks-again to everyone.
Blessings...
Pat

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Good
    Good for you! You need to concentrate on doing what is right for you now, and it sounds like you are doing just that. Best wishes moving forward. Fay
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #3
    grandmafay said:

    Good
    Good for you! You need to concentrate on doing what is right for you now, and it sounds like you are doing just that. Best wishes moving forward. Fay

    Thanks so much Fay....truth
    Thanks so much Fay....truth be told its your posts that have given me the most insight into this unwelcomed state we are all in.
    Your outlook on things and way of expressing things is priceless.
    You have such a solid realistic view of things...and your so open with sharing your own struggles.
    Its never going to be good....but it can be better.
    With my being alone....I think its vital that I rejoin the workforce....if for no other reason than to be around people...Bill and I really kept to ourselves...and its going to take some time for me to change my mind set...
    Thanks again..Pat
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #4
    bingles said:

    Thanks so much Fay....truth
    Thanks so much Fay....truth be told its your posts that have given me the most insight into this unwelcomed state we are all in.
    Your outlook on things and way of expressing things is priceless.
    You have such a solid realistic view of things...and your so open with sharing your own struggles.
    Its never going to be good....but it can be better.
    With my being alone....I think its vital that I rejoin the workforce....if for no other reason than to be around people...Bill and I really kept to ourselves...and its going to take some time for me to change my mind set...
    Thanks again..Pat

    We could talk!
    I needed to know someone else is going through this. I need to remind myself that I have to be strong and tough out everything that's going on. Set up some kind of normal life in spite of everything. Need someone to boot me occasionally so I keep going.
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    #5
    ruthelizabeth said:

    We could talk!
    I needed to know someone else is going through this. I need to remind myself that I have to be strong and tough out everything that's going on. Set up some kind of normal life in spite of everything. Need someone to boot me occasionally so I keep going.

    we could talk
    Hi Ruthelizabeth,
    I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband April 6th to pancreatic cancer, in 3 weeks, the pain is horrible, there is no explaining it unless you are feeling it. The tightness in your body, the not being able to take deep breathes, the saddness, anger, frustration. it is all so terrible. It is a tough road, I am getting through each day, knowing that John is with me, I know that he will stay with me and guide me, I started driving again after years of him driving, I am trying to be strong, I am also back to work, but some days it is very hard to function. And you are right I also have found some comfort and strength from Fay, she says good things that make you think,
    Well I pray that it gets better for all of us
    Take Care
    Karen
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #6
    closs86 said:

    we could talk
    Hi Ruthelizabeth,
    I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband April 6th to pancreatic cancer, in 3 weeks, the pain is horrible, there is no explaining it unless you are feeling it. The tightness in your body, the not being able to take deep breathes, the saddness, anger, frustration. it is all so terrible. It is a tough road, I am getting through each day, knowing that John is with me, I know that he will stay with me and guide me, I started driving again after years of him driving, I am trying to be strong, I am also back to work, but some days it is very hard to function. And you are right I also have found some comfort and strength from Fay, she says good things that make you think,
    Well I pray that it gets better for all of us
    Take Care
    Karen

    Thank goodness for anger!
    OH, I do miss Don, but right now, most of that is still crouching in wait sometime in the future. I'm just trying to deal with the restraining order and the not-so-subtle threats from Jennifer's lawyer who's trying to get me to drop the case.

    But I went to the dr. Monday. My neighbor pressed me to do it. Said I was too stressed and losing too much weight. Dr. said I seemed to be handling it all fairly well (oh, yeah!), suggegsted counseling and gave me a prescription. My blood pressure is up 20 points to the highest it's ever been. I got the impression I was taking up too much of the dr's time.

    But it was helpful in one way. I sat in the car afterwards and got angry for the first time since this all started. I shouldn't be the one taking meds. I shouldn't be going to the dr. I shouldn't be checking that the doors are all locked and wondering if it's safe to go outside and work in the garden. I shouldn't be wondering what kind of car Jennifer is driving so I can look over my shoulder more accurately. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I always treated her well and I honored Don's wish that we never call the police when she got violent. I don't deserve to live like this.

    The anger is useful. I'm going to put a lot more effort and discipline into my life. Get back to the things I used to do like exercises every morning. I will make a point of eating something regularly. I will boot myself out of the house and do things that I like. I will put the hurricane shutters up and let the light in.

    And will you all remind me I said all that?

    Ruth Elizabeth
    Don's forever wife
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #7
    ruthelizabeth said:

    Thank goodness for anger!
    OH, I do miss Don, but right now, most of that is still crouching in wait sometime in the future. I'm just trying to deal with the restraining order and the not-so-subtle threats from Jennifer's lawyer who's trying to get me to drop the case.

    But I went to the dr. Monday. My neighbor pressed me to do it. Said I was too stressed and losing too much weight. Dr. said I seemed to be handling it all fairly well (oh, yeah!), suggegsted counseling and gave me a prescription. My blood pressure is up 20 points to the highest it's ever been. I got the impression I was taking up too much of the dr's time.

    But it was helpful in one way. I sat in the car afterwards and got angry for the first time since this all started. I shouldn't be the one taking meds. I shouldn't be going to the dr. I shouldn't be checking that the doors are all locked and wondering if it's safe to go outside and work in the garden. I shouldn't be wondering what kind of car Jennifer is driving so I can look over my shoulder more accurately. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I always treated her well and I honored Don's wish that we never call the police when she got violent. I don't deserve to live like this.

    The anger is useful. I'm going to put a lot more effort and discipline into my life. Get back to the things I used to do like exercises every morning. I will make a point of eating something regularly. I will boot myself out of the house and do things that I like. I will put the hurricane shutters up and let the light in.

    And will you all remind me I said all that?

    Ruth Elizabeth
    Don's forever wife

    Anger
    Anger is good sometimes. The more structure in my life is my biggest problem. Since I am retired, I don't have to be any place most days or follow any schedule. In some ways, that is really nice, but in others, it's not. I have agreed to be moderator for our church starting in July. That will force me to be more organized and get me back into church activities. The moderator is a member of all church boards and committees, so I will have several meetings to attend each month. Both Doug and I were very active in the church up until the last year. We just have to keep reminding ourselves to do these things. You remind me, and I'll remind you. I, too, need to get back to an exercise program. Every time Doug had a recurrence or went into treatment, I gained weight. Then the dr. put me on some medication for my fibromyalgia and that added some pounds. I lost some right after he passed away, but I have a long way to go. I think we just have to start a mantra saying, " I will take care of myself. I will take care of myself!" We can do it! Fay
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #8
    Good For You
    Hi Pat!
    So glad to see your post. Congratulations on moving forward with your life. It is what we have to do. That is great that your old job has positions available. It will help your mind to keep busy. My mom has also decided to give herself a full year before she makes any huge decisions. Should she sell dad's truck? Should she sell her house and move in with us? Not right now, these questions will be answered a year from now. Best of luck to you, and keep up the good work! We are all in the same boat, it is wonderful that we can come here and support eachother! Keep in touch.
    Tina
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #9
    Tina Blondek said:

    Good For You
    Hi Pat!
    So glad to see your post. Congratulations on moving forward with your life. It is what we have to do. That is great that your old job has positions available. It will help your mind to keep busy. My mom has also decided to give herself a full year before she makes any huge decisions. Should she sell dad's truck? Should she sell her house and move in with us? Not right now, these questions will be answered a year from now. Best of luck to you, and keep up the good work! We are all in the same boat, it is wonderful that we can come here and support eachother! Keep in touch.
    Tina

    The Quest continues....
    Hello Tina;
    Today is a weird day...but a good day....going for an interview for a very promising nursing position....I had thought I only wanted part time...but truth be told...the thoughts of having someplace to go every day is now very inviting....with any luck by days end I will be back in the work force..armed with a direction and a purpose.
    I had thought that I didn't want to back to nursing..too many memories and such...but I now feel that by do it..I will be able to offer people the caring and kindness that was given to Bill and I and that was priceless.
    I know what you mean about waiting a year to make any big changes...that's my plan too...well except for finding a job...anything else will wait as I slowly work my way back from the edge of the cliff.
    I am still going to a berevement group...but for some reason I am not connecting with it...it sort of seems foreign to me...but I go because it gives me an out at least one day a week...but now with going back to work thats all going to change.
    These past months have been a roller coaster of emotions...and its left my drained...but I think that when I get back to a some what normal life flow..things will equalize and I will regain my emotional base...least thats my hope.
    Each day is a learning experience and each day brings new challenges and success's...each day is a gift and I treat is as such.
    Another major deal is that I am still no longer smoking and that is huge...to handle the stress's that I have had and to not smoke is major....but I am doing it and patting myself on the back daily for it.
    Will keep you posted on lifes "not so little" changes.
    Pat
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #10
    bingles said:

    The Quest continues....
    Hello Tina;
    Today is a weird day...but a good day....going for an interview for a very promising nursing position....I had thought I only wanted part time...but truth be told...the thoughts of having someplace to go every day is now very inviting....with any luck by days end I will be back in the work force..armed with a direction and a purpose.
    I had thought that I didn't want to back to nursing..too many memories and such...but I now feel that by do it..I will be able to offer people the caring and kindness that was given to Bill and I and that was priceless.
    I know what you mean about waiting a year to make any big changes...that's my plan too...well except for finding a job...anything else will wait as I slowly work my way back from the edge of the cliff.
    I am still going to a berevement group...but for some reason I am not connecting with it...it sort of seems foreign to me...but I go because it gives me an out at least one day a week...but now with going back to work thats all going to change.
    These past months have been a roller coaster of emotions...and its left my drained...but I think that when I get back to a some what normal life flow..things will equalize and I will regain my emotional base...least thats my hope.
    Each day is a learning experience and each day brings new challenges and success's...each day is a gift and I treat is as such.
    Another major deal is that I am still no longer smoking and that is huge...to handle the stress's that I have had and to not smoke is major....but I am doing it and patting myself on the back daily for it.
    Will keep you posted on lifes "not so little" changes.
    Pat

    Back Pats
    Give yourself a pat for me to and a couple of "atta girls," too! Best of luck on the job front. I am sure that you will go back to nursing with some added compassion having just gone through what you have. We gain from every experience even the challenging ones, or maybe especially the challenging ones. Fay
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    #11
    grandmafay said:

    Back Pats
    Give yourself a pat for me to and a couple of "atta girls," too! Best of luck on the job front. I am sure that you will go back to nursing with some added compassion having just gone through what you have. We gain from every experience even the challenging ones, or maybe especially the challenging ones. Fay

    Hope it went well
    Hi Pat
    Hope your interview went well, and you get the job. I had such wonderful compassionate nurses at the hospital with my husband, It will probably be good to work and keep yourself busy. I work 3 days a week, and it helps me get through the week. I am happy for you that you were able to stop smoking, that is a big accomplishment. Have a good day,
    Take care
    Karen
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #12
    closs86 said:

    Hope it went well
    Hi Pat
    Hope your interview went well, and you get the job. I had such wonderful compassionate nurses at the hospital with my husband, It will probably be good to work and keep yourself busy. I work 3 days a week, and it helps me get through the week. I am happy for you that you were able to stop smoking, that is a big accomplishment. Have a good day,
    Take care
    Karen

    Thank-you
    Well on the job front I am still a work in progress....have to wait to hear back...actually filled out 3 applications yesterday and today I am stepping out of my comfort zone and applying at another facility which is about 30 mins from home...I was never willing to travel for work...but I am thinking it might be a good thing to leave my local area and meet some new folks.
    Going out yesterday was weird...Bill was always my cheerleader whenever I was going for a new job and now with him not here I need to cheer myself on....and coming home with no one here to share the experience with is sad....I miss him!
    But by doing these things...each time I am getting stronger.
    Thanks for the kind words...
    Pat

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