Funny Bonz IV

donna_lee said:

It's Thursday-Pun Time

T-Shirts for Sale:

7 days without a pun make one weak.

Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

Her bootlegging was illegal, but I loved her still.

Poultry in Motion.  (with chickens walking)

A tardy cannibal gets the Cold Shoulder

A backward poet writes inverse.

Never play cards in the Serengeti.  There are too many cheetahs.

I regret not developing my photographic memory.

For Lease Navidad.

Once I was a tap dancer but I fell into the sink.

Mathemeticians wear glasses because they improve division.

'Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.

When I talk about computers, I make my motherboard.

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

Dishonest golfers don't play the fairway.

That cheese doesn't belong to you.  It's nacho cheese.

My theory on inertia has no momentum.

 

I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be     perfect.
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of  anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

My knees  look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor

Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery

I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys  fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
- John Breen, Houston Oilers

The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

The only difference between me          and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on          Sunday.
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

I          have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that          the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the          price of the seats.
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox          owner

Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

I have a  lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25  sophomores.

I think the way they have treated Lance Armstrong is just terrible. He won seven Tour DeFrance races while on drugs. I couldn't even find my bike when I was on drugs. - Willie Nelson

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

Alexandra said:

New Zealand Commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw

Wear Depends while watching

 

This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.