Funny Bonz IV
Comments
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Honest..it's in a trade newsletterAlexandra said:Newspaper Corrections
At least one positive thing can be said to have come from the sixteen-day government shutdown that brought nearly all federal agencies to grinding halt. Someone finally threw out that can of soup that's been languishing in the lunchroom refrigerator. Yes, the federal Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) cleaned out their employees' lunchroom fridge and discovered a leftover can of Campbell;s soup that had taken up residence there since 1997. (Source: WashingtonPost.com)
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OK.. you are warned..
OK.. you are warned.. laughter is apt to break out when you see this video...
http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0
Ron
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It's Thursday-Pun TimeGSRon said:OK.. you are warned..
OK.. you are warned.. laughter is apt to break out when you see this video...
http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0
Ron
T-Shirts for Sale:
7 days without a pun make one weak.
Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
Her bootlegging was illegal, but I loved her still.
Poultry in Motion. (with chickens walking)
A tardy cannibal gets the Cold Shoulder
A backward poet writes inverse.
Never play cards in the Serengeti. There are too many cheetahs.
I regret not developing my photographic memory.
For Lease Navidad.
Once I was a tap dancer but I fell into the sink.
Mathemeticians wear glasses because they improve division.
'Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
When I talk about computers, I make my motherboard.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
Dishonest golfers don't play the fairway.
That cheese doesn't belong to you. It's nacho cheese.
My theory on inertia has no momentum.
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Sports quotes...donna_lee said:It's Thursday-Pun Time
T-Shirts for Sale:
7 days without a pun make one weak.
Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
Her bootlegging was illegal, but I loved her still.
Poultry in Motion. (with chickens walking)
A tardy cannibal gets the Cold Shoulder
A backward poet writes inverse.
Never play cards in the Serengeti. There are too many cheetahs.
I regret not developing my photographic memory.
For Lease Navidad.
Once I was a tap dancer but I fell into the sink.
Mathemeticians wear glasses because they improve division.
'Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
When I talk about computers, I make my motherboard.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
Dishonest golfers don't play the fairway.
That cheese doesn't belong to you. It's nacho cheese.
My theory on inertia has no momentum.
I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery
I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
- John Breen, Houston Oilers
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.I think the way they have treated Lance Armstrong is just terrible. He won seven Tour DeFrance races while on drugs. I couldn't even find my bike when I was on drugs. - Willie Nelson
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The poker player...garym said:Sports quotes...
I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery
I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
- John Breen, Houston Oilers
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.I think the way they have treated Lance Armstrong is just terrible. He won seven Tour DeFrance races while on drugs. I couldn't even find my bike when I was on drugs. - Willie Nelson
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down
under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife,
Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer,
Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim
didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m sharp -
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did
he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give
me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and
pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player0 -
Diapers vs. Depends...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!
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Gary is in the hospital
Who the hell is Gary ?
Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and his wife says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"...
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a CPA get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well,
One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Gary is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.
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ONLY YOU, Alex can tell theseAlexandra said:Gary is in the hospital
Who the hell is Gary ?
Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and his wife says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"...
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a CPA get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well,
One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Gary is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.ONLY YOU, Alex can tell these jokes! It did make me laugh! Hope you are well!
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The Dentistangec said:ONLY YOU, Alex can tell these
ONLY YOU, Alex can tell these jokes! It did make me laugh! Hope you are well!
This attractive woman is at the Dentist... The Dentist says, "Wow, that tooth has got to come out.." The woman replies.." I would rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled." To which the Dentist answerw... "OK but I will have to adjust the chair..".. (hope that is not a repeat..).
Ron
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I am proud to live in Toronto (suburbs)
I don't know if anyone has been following the bizzare behavior of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford including his heavy drinking, smoking crack, doing coke, sex scandals, fighting with the police, association with mafia, etc. I find him very amusing and sort of a kindred spirit.
Here's his latest "Eating Out" scandal http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4siKr6qY8w (mature themes) and his "Crazy Rant" caught on video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcPD7tzcU60 (violence, coarse language)
And for all other cities: "How to Tell if Your Mayor is Smoking Crack" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q_uLzEljo8
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If you have a...Alexandra said:This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.0 -
Bump
Just bumping this thread for the newbies.
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