Funny Bonz IV
In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised, that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying, for example:
The hairdryer;
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
Comments
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Little League...
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him a p**ker-head, d**khead or a**hole. Do you
understand all that? '
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb a** or
s**thead" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and
explain all that to your grandmother!'0 -
The glass eye...
A man was sitting alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table whom he had been checking out.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards him. Reflexively he reached out, caught it in mid air and handed it back to her.
"Oh my, I am so sorry!" she said as she popped it back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together followed by drinks and the theater thoroughly enjoying each others company. They talked and laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. It was as though they were meant for each other.
As the evening came to a close she asked if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast. They had a WONDERFUL time.
The next morning she cooked a gourmet breakfast complete with all the trimmings, he was amazed, everything had been so incredible.
"You know" he said "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
'No," she replies..........
She said.............................
(The suspence is killing you isn't it?)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh!garym said:The glass eye...
A man was sitting alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table whom he had been checking out.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards him. Reflexively he reached out, caught it in mid air and handed it back to her.
"Oh my, I am so sorry!" she said as she popped it back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together followed by drinks and the theater thoroughly enjoying each others company. They talked and laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. It was as though they were meant for each other.
As the evening came to a close she asked if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast. They had a WONDERFUL time.
The next morning she cooked a gourmet breakfast complete with all the trimmings, he was amazed, everything had been so incredible.
"You know" he said "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
'No," she replies..........
She said.............................
(The suspence is killing you isn't it?)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
But I love it!
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Wisconsin fishermen...Two Wisconsin men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost inaudible, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.”
Craig continues slowly sipping his beer - then thoughtfully says,“You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”
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I figure its open season!
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father?
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."
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Her information is safe...
During an audit by the IT department it was discovered that a blonde secretary was using the following for her password;
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said;
"Helllooo! It has to be at least eight characters and include at least one capital."
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Gary & Michael on a roll!garym said:The glass eye...
A man was sitting alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table whom he had been checking out.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards him. Reflexively he reached out, caught it in mid air and handed it back to her.
"Oh my, I am so sorry!" she said as she popped it back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together followed by drinks and the theater thoroughly enjoying each others company. They talked and laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. It was as though they were meant for each other.
As the evening came to a close she asked if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast. They had a WONDERFUL time.
The next morning she cooked a gourmet breakfast complete with all the trimmings, he was amazed, everything had been so incredible.
"You know" he said "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
'No," she replies..........
She said.............................
(The suspence is killing you isn't it?)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Gary - adding to Grandma theme:
__________________________________________________
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my old TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ....I'm happy with my old TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the backside of the TV with her hand, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to openthe door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.0 -
HAH!alice124 said:Gary & Michael on a roll!
Gary - adding to Grandma theme:
__________________________________________________
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my old TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ....I'm happy with my old TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the backside of the TV with her hand, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to openthe door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.Loving it!
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My Wife is Blonde
If you don't hear from me again, you'll know what happened!
A blonde calls her boyfriend, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says..... "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger; second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".
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Harley Davidson
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"0 -
A good collection?BLKJAK said:Harley Davidson
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor RooseveltLast week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement- Mark TwainThe secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible- George BurnsSanta Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor BorgeBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark TwainBy all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- SocratesI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho MarxMy wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy DuranteI have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa GaborOnly Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex LevineMy luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney DangerfieldMoney can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike MilliganUntil I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .- Joe NamathI don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob HopeI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..- W. C. FieldsWe could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will RogersDon't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston ChurchillMaybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..- Phyllis DillerBy the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy CrystalAnd the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.0 -
Football season...Texas_wedge said:A good collection?
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor RooseveltLast week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement- Mark TwainThe secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible- George BurnsSanta Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor BorgeBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark TwainBy all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- SocratesI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho MarxMy wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy DuranteI have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa GaborOnly Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex LevineMy luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney DangerfieldMoney can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike MilliganUntil I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .- Joe NamathI don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob HopeI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..- W. C. FieldsWe could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will RogersDon't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston ChurchillMaybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..- Phyllis DillerBy the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy CrystalAnd the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........
Coincidence??
Alabama beat Arkansas
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Auburn
and they fired the coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...
Makes ya wish the White House had a team doesn't it?0 -
Or Congress!garym said:Football season...
I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........
Coincidence??
Alabama beat Arkansas
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Auburn
and they fired the coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...
Makes ya wish the White House had a team doesn't it?Just the House thanks!
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Farmer Jones...
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However,he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."0 -
After 30 years...
A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"0 -
His first time...
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.
That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."0 -
The hole-in-one...
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.
At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that, as an act of contrition, he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.
"Just then Father Norton hit the shot of his life, the ball shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you allow him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"
0 -
Golf quotes...
1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Wiese
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
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Golf quotesgarym said:Golf quotes...
1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Wiese
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
Nice collection Gary and I've never heard any of them before - wish I had your sources.
0 -
On the first day...On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porchyelling at the kids to get off my lawn.0
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