Funny Bonz IV
Comments
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garym said:
On the first day...
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porchyelling at the kids to get off my lawn.
$5.37...That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some changewhen the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the officer, I'm nottoo old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.0 -
New early retirement rules...garym said:$5.37...
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some changewhen the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the officer, I'm nottoo old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)0 -
Can't Explaingarym said:New early retirement rules...
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."0 -
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New doctors office...
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
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The irishman and a Mercedes...garym said:New doctors office...
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a self-serve petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"?
inquires the Irishman.
"They support my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes tinks of everything!".0 -
Do you drive a Mercedes Gary?garym said:The irishman and a Mercedes...
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a self-serve petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"?
inquires the Irishman.
"They support my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes tinks of everything!".Here's my donation to the smile cause:
ITS JUST ME AN' LEROY
A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25... feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. You see with the government sequestering, they are not buying any more trees so Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy0 -
Nope...alice124 said:Do you drive a Mercedes Gary?
Here's my donation to the smile cause:
ITS JUST ME AN' LEROY
A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25... feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. You see with the government sequestering, they are not buying any more trees so Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' LeroyNot a Mercedes...but here's my vanity plate...2 TT U...tell me what it says and I'll tell you what I drive
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garym said:
Nope...
Not a Mercedes...but here's my vanity plate...2 TT U...tell me what it says and I'll tell you what I drive
Not like you to tease Alice, Gary!
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Cheater...Texas_wedge said:Not like you to tease Alice, Gary!
I mostly "DRIVE" my wife crazy
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Tease?garym said:Nope...
Not a Mercedes...but here's my vanity plate...2 TT U...tell me what it says and I'll tell you what I drive
I know you're not a Texas Tech alumnus, so I'm going to guess that you drive an Audi TT, probably two Audi TT''s. I'm guessing the "TT U" part translates "to tease you", perhaps referring to your wife? How off am I?
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T's interpretationalice124 said:Tease?
I know you're not a Texas Tech alumnus, so I'm going to guess that you drive an Audi TT, probably two Audi TT''s. I'm guessing the "TT U" part translates "to tease you", perhaps referring to your wife? How off am I?
Alice
2 (to) TT (tease) U (you) was Gary's warning to look out for his trick answer - what he drives - is: [drum roll] his Wife crazy.
Gary, I hope I didn't play too much of a spoiler by casting my cloak over the puddle for the lady, but it didn't actually compromise your driving your joke home, did it? [boom, boom]
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No Alice...alice124 said:Tease?
I know you're not a Texas Tech alumnus, so I'm going to guess that you drive an Audi TT, probably two Audi TT''s. I'm guessing the "TT U" part translates "to tease you", perhaps referring to your wife? How off am I?
American made in Kentucky
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Backseat blonde...
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the heck not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"0 -
Cards anyone???garym said:Backseat blonde...
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the heck not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"A woman is in bed having sex with her husband's best friend, when the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
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Two clones...garym said:Cards anyone???
A woman is in bed having sex with her husband's best friend, when the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
Two naked clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off.
The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.0 -
VideoMDCinSC said:Uhhhhhhh!
That hurt!
OK, not a funny per say.. but a great motorcycle video.. almost an hour long.. so get out the popcorn.. This event was only done the one year.. hope you enjoy it... (or not..)..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rWcNTDNxIk
Cheers..!
Ron - 7 weeks until I head to the IOM..!
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Food for thought...
SEX AT 79…..
> I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
> informing me that I can have sex at 79.
> I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
> So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
> And it's the same side of the street. I don't
> even have to cross the road!
> ~~~~~
> Answering machine message,
> "I am not available right now,
> but thank you for caring enough to call.
> I am making some changes in my life.
> Please leave a message after the beep.
> If I do not return your call,
> you are one of the changes."
> ~~~~~
> Aspire to inspire before you expire.
> ~~~~~
> My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
> ~~~~~
> Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
> ~~~~~
> Blessed are those who can give without remembering
> and take without forgetting.
> ~~~~~
> The irony of life is that,
> by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
> you're not going anywhere.
> ~~~~~
> God made man before woman so as to give him time
> to think of an answer for her first question.
> ~~~~~
> I was always taught to respect my elders,
> but it keeps getting harder to find one.
> ~~~~~
> Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
> ~~~~~
> The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
> "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
> severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
> and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
> are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
> Pledge of Allegiance?"0 -
Only in Texas...MT. VERNON , TEXAS , WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented...
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bulls**t!"0
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