Funny Bonz IV

garym

Djinnie said:

Adam's Rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to"

God said, " Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense"

Adam asked, " what will this woman cost?"

God said, " An arm and a leg "

Adam said, " What can I get for just a rib?"

The original sin...

 

 

Djinnie

garym said:

The original sin...

 

 

Stupid Man

There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay!, God will save me!. The flood got higher and higher and a boat came, and a man said, " Come on mate, get in! " .. "No!" replied the man, " God will save me! " The flood got very high and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came, and a man offered him help," "No!, God will save me!" he said.... Eventually, he died by drowning.... He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God, " Why didn't you save me?"....God replied " For goodness sake!! I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want!! 

Eims

MDCinSC said:

The Gambler-Anyone we know?

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
.... but all men...are men!

hahahahahahaha love it

hahahahahahaha love it michael.......now that did make me laugh 

eims x

garym

Djinnie said:

Stupid Man

There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay!, God will save me!. The flood got higher and higher and a boat came, and a man said, " Come on mate, get in! " .. "No!" replied the man, " God will save me! " The flood got very high and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came, and a man offered him help," "No!, God will save me!" he said.... Eventually, he died by drowning.... He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God, " Why didn't you save me?"....God replied " For goodness sake!! I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want!! 

Older men scams...

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall, parking lots, etc.  But this is the first warning I have seen for men, and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. Last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going to get supplies turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th... Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.  (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

MDCinSC

garym said:

Older men scams...

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall, parking lots, etc.  But this is the first warning I have seen for men, and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. Last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going to get supplies turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th... Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.  (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Any particular McDonalds or . . .

GSRon

garym said:

Older men scams...

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall, parking lots, etc.  But this is the first warning I have seen for men, and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. Last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going to get supplies turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th... Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.  (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

An Oldie

An Oldie but a goodie... for guys, that is...!!! 

garym

GSRon said:

An Oldie

An Oldie but a goodie... for guys, that is...!!! 

Just like Frank...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He

gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.

 

You're just like Frank."

 

 

 

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she

was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank before he died.  I just married

his widow..."

 

 

 

aditya_fighter

garym said:

Just like Frank...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He

gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.

 

You're just like Frank."

 

 

 

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she

was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank before he died.  I just married

his widow..."

 

 

 

The Ambidextrous Golfer.....


A group of guys  lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to  another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A  new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf  round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I  was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them  wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it  would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 am


He figured the early tee-time would discourage  her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15  minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said,  "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 am"


She showed up at 6:30 am sharp, and beat all three of them  with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and  the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and  invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 am or 6:45 am"

The  next week she again showed up at 6:30 am sharp. Only this time, she played  left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an  even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally  amazed.


They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant  and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again,  but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her..

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But  this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week  the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.


The men mused that her late arrival was due to  petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so  complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. 

Back in  the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a  riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one  of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf  right-handed or left-handed?" 


The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.  "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to  switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my  husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.  Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers  off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed  right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what  if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then,  I'm fifteen minutes late."

garym

Cops that care...

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers,
saying that they don't care about or respect others.
Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the
small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who reported
finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening
in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until this family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,
a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids,
2 1/2 inch false eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt

to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.



See there, Texas Police do care.

 

garym

garym said:

Cops that care...

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers,
saying that they don't care about or respect others.
Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the
small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who reported
finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening
in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until this family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,
a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids,
2 1/2 inch false eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt

to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.



See there, Texas Police do care.

 

Sex after death...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

 

"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!”

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Florida.”

garym

garym said:

Sex after death...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

 

"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!”

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Florida.”

Golf and the genie...

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest 
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is 
going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come 
on in.'


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near 
the pieces of window glass.



A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?



'Uh...yeah!, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.



'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.





Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'



Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'



'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'



'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.



 


'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'






 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'







'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your 
wife.'



The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'



You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'





So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.






The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'



'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.





 

'No Kidding,' he said.




 'Thirty-five years old and you still believe in 
genies?'

garym

garym said:

Golf and the genie...

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest 
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is 
going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come 
on in.'


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near 
the pieces of window glass.



A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?



'Uh...yeah!, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.



'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.





Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'



Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'



'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'



'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.



 


'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'






 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'







'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your 
wife.'



The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'



You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'





So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.






The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'



'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.





 

'No Kidding,' he said.




 'Thirty-five years old and you still believe in 
genies?'

The new teacher...

A former Army Ranger took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher had been an Army Ranger, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

garym

garym said:

The new teacher...

A former Army Ranger took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher had been an Army Ranger, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

How the internet started...

NO...this is not an Al Gore story...

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy
young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you
have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best
price. The sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.   And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all  the goods he had at
the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that
only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over
Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were
called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,
Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon
started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

He soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

NanoSecond

garym said:

How the internet started...

NO...this is not an Al Gore story...

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy
young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you
have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best
price. The sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.   And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all  the goods he had at
the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that
only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over
Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were
called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,
Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon
started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

He soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

Origins

But did it end when she took a bite of that APPLE?

icemantoo

NanoSecond said:

Origins

But did it end when she took a bite of that APPLE?

Laughs

A pretty blond, recently divorced, just had a nepherectomy. While trying to find an appropriate date for her wedding, she asked her Surgeon how long do I have to wait after the surgery to do it?

 

 

 

Surgeon: I can be available in about 3 weeks, and

 

 

 

 

we can take the stitches out then.

 

 

 

 

Icemantoo.

GSRon

icemantoo said:

Laughs

A pretty blond, recently divorced, just had a nepherectomy. While trying to find an appropriate date for her wedding, she asked her Surgeon how long do I have to wait after the surgery to do it?

 

 

 

Surgeon: I can be available in about 3 weeks, and

 

 

 

 

we can take the stitches out then.

 

 

 

 

Icemantoo.

Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

 

'Fred,' he replies.

 

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

 

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

 

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

 

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

 

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

garym

I love Maxine...

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

 

 

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

 

 

 

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.(how true)

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music

.

 

 

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

 

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few !

 

 

garym

Only the Irish...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, 
looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, 
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp 
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean, 
"He couldn't do that to you, 
he must have had something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, 
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have something in your hand?" 
That I did," said Paddy. 
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

********************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
is driving home from the city one night and, 
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 
"So," says the cop to the driver, 
where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," 
slurs the drunk. 
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
a few to drink this evening." 
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and 
folding his arms across his chest, 
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. 
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

***************************************************************************** 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, 
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya". 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. 
But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus 
is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, 
he got out three times to pee."

 

******************************************************************************

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after 
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. 
My husband passed away last night." 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. 
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father." 
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " 
She says, He said, 
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

*********************************************************

 

ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, 
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his 
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, 
there's no paper on this side either!"

 

garym

garym said:

Only the Irish...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, 
looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, 
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp 
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean, 
"He couldn't do that to you, 
he must have had something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, 
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have something in your hand?" 
That I did," said Paddy. 
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

********************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
is driving home from the city one night and, 
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 
"So," says the cop to the driver, 
where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," 
slurs the drunk. 
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
a few to drink this evening." 
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and 
folding his arms across his chest, 
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. 
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

***************************************************************************** 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, 
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya". 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. 
But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus 
is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, 
he got out three times to pee."

 

******************************************************************************

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after 
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. 
My husband passed away last night." 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. 
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father." 
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " 
She says, He said, 
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

*********************************************************

 

ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, 
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his 
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, 
there's no paper on this side either!"

 

Exercise...

 

garym

Beer, more than just a breakfast drink...

I hope these show on your screens, they're funny!