Funny Bonz IV
Comments
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Golf & marriage...garym said:Only in Texas...
MT. VERNON , TEXAS , WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented...
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bulls**t!"Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
clubs for his Saturday game.
His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long
period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your
clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?”
He replied, ”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replied, ”I wasn't.“0 -
Ventriloquist...garym said:Golf & marriage...
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
clubs for his Saturday game.
His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long
period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your
clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?”
He replied, ”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replied, ”I wasn't.“A different twist...very funny
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Grammer Matters...garym said:For all my
grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle ...0 -
Hi everyonegarym said:Grammer Matters...
For all my
grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle ...A journalist goes to Russia for documentary.
In a little village he sees an old man and asks him:
Can you tell me your most beautiful memory in this village ?
The old man smiles and starts his story:-
One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka and look for the goat. When we finally found her, as of tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village got their turn to do the goat. We had so much fun that day!
The journalist thinks it would be quite inapropriate to publish such a story so he asks the old man if he doesn't have another story.
The old man smiles again and says:
Once, my neighbour's wife got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then go look for her. As of tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn with the neighbour's wife. We had great fun !!
Journalist: Ummm... Don't you have anything umm...sadder ?
The old man acquires a very sad expression and says:
One day I got lost in the mountains......0 -
aditya_fighteraditya_fighter said:Hi everyone
A journalist goes to Russia for documentary.
In a little village he sees an old man and asks him:
Can you tell me your most beautiful memory in this village ?
The old man smiles and starts his story:-
One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka and look for the goat. When we finally found her, as of tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village got their turn to do the goat. We had so much fun that day!
The journalist thinks it would be quite inapropriate to publish such a story so he asks the old man if he doesn't have another story.
The old man smiles again and says:
Once, my neighbour's wife got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then go look for her. As of tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn with the neighbour's wife. We had great fun !!
Journalist: Ummm... Don't you have anything umm...sadder ?
The old man acquires a very sad expression and says:
One day I got lost in the mountains......We haven't heard from you for absolutely ages - I hope you haven't been lost in the mountains!
How are you doing these days?
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NOT FUNNY GARY!garym said:Grammer Matters...
For all my
grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle ...
Actually, it hits too close to home!
Very funny Gary!Michael
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Funny!garym said:Grammer Matters...
For all my
grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle ...
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Ladies and gentlemen...aditya_fighter said:Hi everyone
A journalist goes to Russia for documentary.
In a little village he sees an old man and asks him:
Can you tell me your most beautiful memory in this village ?
The old man smiles and starts his story:-
One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka and look for the goat. When we finally found her, as of tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village got their turn to do the goat. We had so much fun that day!
The journalist thinks it would be quite inapropriate to publish such a story so he asks the old man if he doesn't have another story.
The old man smiles again and says:
Once, my neighbour's wife got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then go look for her. As of tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn with the neighbour's wife. We had great fun !!
Journalist: Ummm... Don't you have anything umm...sadder ?
The old man acquires a very sad expression and says:
One day I got lost in the mountains......We have found thr goat...where will it go from here?
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Texting
texting
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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LOL...alice124 said:Texting
texting
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Good one Alice!!!
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HAH!alice124 said:Texting
texting
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
!
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HAH!alice124 said:Texting
texting
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Excellent Alice!
Passing that one one in class! I start a new Composition class tomorrow night. I think we'll talk about similes and poetic language!
Michael
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Lost and foundTexas_wedge said:aditya_fighter
We haven't heard from you for absolutely ages - I hope you haven't been lost in the mountains!
How are you doing these days?
Thanks TW for remembering me.
I was lost in the mountains for a while but Russians did'nt find me.
Well, I am good these days. I would like to be very brief on this thread.
Diagnosed with mRCC May/12, Left Radical Nephrectomy May/12, Mets to lungs, put on Votrient 400 mg OD, tolerated well, visited MD Anderson Sept/12, Advised to continue with Votrient, however, Votrient lost efficacy Jan/13, detected one met in L5 and one in brain Feb/13, radiotherapy for L5 and Gamma knife surgery for brain met Mar/13. Stopped Votrient, put on Sutent 50 mg OD, tolerating Sutent reasonably well, completed 3 cycles, latest scan shows reduction in size and activity of met in L5, mets in lungs and brain have become inactive. General condition is good, slight pain in back so moving with a lumbar support. God is the saviour.
Cheers!!!! Guys!!! Now the humor
Ever wondered why men are'nt allowed to run advise in love columns in magazines and newspapers. Had they been, such would be their responses.
Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2km from home n my car engine started 2 overheat so i had to turn back and get another car. When i got home i found my husband in bed with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help.
Reply:
Dear anonymous.
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. U need to check your oil and water level in your engine b4 u start your journey. U must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helped you...!!Aditya
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Something to drinkalice124 said:Texting
texting
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother....." the Nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."0 -
True Storyalice124 said:Texting
texting
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
OK, this one hits home.. it is a true story... I lost my Mom in 1983, I am pretty sure it was RCC.. But her humor and sense of awareness was amazing at times...
So, I was visiting with her at City of Hope in So Ca. and we were chatting... and then she starts to laugh big time... One of the Doctors was there on his day off checking up on patients.. and he was in his civies.. walking shorts.. and my Mom points out.. laughing.. the Doctor is scratching his back side.. and she says.. "he is up his butt, all the way to his elbow".. talk about a funny visual... I do miss her.... sigh / laugh..
Ron
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The Hole in One!
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"0 -
Bernie Schwartz
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest joystick he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge joystick like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"0 -
Grandmother's strudel...MDCinSC said:Bernie Schwartz
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest joystick he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge joystick like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."0 -
Been assured this one is OKgarym said:Grandmother's strudel...
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar having a drink. They look up to see a man walking in with a couple dozen red roses in his arms. The blonde says, " Isn't that your husband? And he is bringing those flowers over here to give to you. What a thoughtful man." The brunette says, " Not really. Now he will be expecting me to spend all weekend flat on my back with my legs up in the air." The blonde says, "What? you don't have a vase?"
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sorrygarym said:Grandmother's strudel...
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."I'm a jerk.
0
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