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May 24, 2013 - 8:07 am
In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised, that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying, for example: The hairdryer; An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' ' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
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Joined: Nov 2009
Little League...
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him a p**ker-head, d**khead or a**hole. Do you
understand all that? '
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb a** or
s**thead" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and
explain all that to your grandmother!'
Joined: Nov 2009
The glass eye...
A man was sitting alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table whom he had been checking out.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards him. Reflexively he reached out, caught it in mid air and handed it back to her.
"Oh my, I am so sorry!" she said as she popped it back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together followed by drinks and the theater thoroughly enjoying each others company. They talked and laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. It was as though they were meant for each other.
As the evening came to a close she asked if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast. They had a WONDERFUL time.
The next morning she cooked a gourmet breakfast complete with all the trimmings, he was amazed, everything had been so incredible.
"You know" he said "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
'No," she replies..........
She said.............................
(The suspence is killing you isn't it?)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Joined: Feb 2013
uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh!
But I love it!
Joined: Mar 2012
Gary & Michael on a roll!
Gary - adding to Grandma theme:
__________________________________________________
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my old TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ....I'm happy with my old TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the backside of the TV with her hand, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open
the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Joined: Feb 2013
HAH!
Loving it!
Joined: Nov 2009
Wisconsin fishermen...
Almost inaudible, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
Craig continues slowly sipping his beer - then thoughtfully says,
“You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”
Joined: Feb 2013
I figure its open season!
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A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father?
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."
Joined: Nov 2009
Her information is safe...
During an audit by the IT department it was discovered that a blonde secretary was using the following for her password;
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said;
"Helllooo! It has to be at least eight characters and include at least one capital."
Joined: Feb 2013
My Wife is Blonde
If you don't hear from me again, you'll know what happened!
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A blonde calls her boyfriend, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says..... "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger; second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".
Joined: Apr 2013
Harley Davidson
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
Joined: Nov 2011
A good collection?
Joined: Nov 2009
Football season...
I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........
Coincidence??
Alabama beat Arkansas
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee
and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Auburn
and they fired the coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...
Makes ya wish the White House had a team doesn't it?
Joined: Feb 2013
Or Congress!
Just the House thanks!
Joined: Nov 2009
Farmer Jones...
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However,he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Joined: Nov 2009
After 30 years...
A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"
Joined: Nov 2009
His first time...
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.
That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Joined: Nov 2009
The hole-in-one...
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.
At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that, as an act of contrition, he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.
"Just then Father Norton hit the shot of his life, the ball shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you allow him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"
Joined: Nov 2009
Golf quotes...
1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Wiese
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
Joined: Nov 2011
Golf quotes
Nice collection Gary and I've never heard any of them before - wish I had your sources.
Joined: Nov 2009
On the first day...
Joined: Nov 2009
$5.37...
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
I'll show him, I thought.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
That's when I noticed the
purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.Then, a few other objects came into focus:
Faster than you can say
ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
Elmo had no clue.
She offered these kind words:
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Joined: Nov 2009
New early retirement rules...
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
Joined: Apr 2013
Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
Joined: Nov 2009
No bottle opener...
No problem...
http://devour.com/video/how-to-open-a-beer/
Cheers my friends!
Joined: Nov 2009
New doctors office...
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Joined: Nov 2009
The irishman and a Mercedes...
Normal
0
false
false
false
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;}On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a self-serve petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"?
inquires the Irishman.
"They support my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes tinks of everything!".
Joined: Mar 2012
Do you drive a Mercedes Gary?
Here's my donation to the smile cause:
A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25... feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. You see with the government sequestering, they are not buying any more trees so Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy
Joined: Nov 2009
Nope...
Not a Mercedes...but here's my vanity plate...2 TT U...tell me what it says and I'll tell you what I drive
Joined: Nov 2011
Really?!
Not like you to tease Alice, Gary!
Joined: Nov 2009
Cheater...
I mostly "DRIVE" my wife crazy
Joined: Mar 2012
Tease?
I know you're not a Texas Tech alumnus, so I'm going to guess that you drive an Audi TT, probably two Audi TT''s. I'm guessing the "TT U" part translates "to tease you", perhaps referring to your wife? How off am I?
Joined: Nov 2011
T's interpretation
Alice
2 (to) TT (tease) U (you) was Gary's warning to look out for his trick answer - what he drives - is: [drum roll] his Wife crazy.
Gary, I hope I didn't play too much of a spoiler by casting my cloak over the puddle for the lady, but it didn't actually compromise your driving your joke home, did it? [boom, boom]
Joined: Nov 2009
No Alice...
American made in Kentucky
Joined: Nov 2009
Backseat blonde...
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the heck not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
Joined: Nov 2009
Cards anyone???
A woman is in bed having sex with her husband's best friend, when the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
Joined: Nov 2009
Two clones...
Two naked clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off.
The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.
Joined: Feb 2013
Uhhhhhhh!
That hurt!
Joined: Jan 2013
Video
OK, not a funny per say.. but a great motorcycle video.. almost an hour long.. so get out the popcorn.. This event was only done the one year.. hope you enjoy it... (or not..)..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rWcNTDNxIk
Cheers..!
Ron - 7 weeks until I head to the IOM..! :)
Joined: Nov 2009
Food for thought...
SEX AT 79…..
> I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
> informing me that I can have sex at 79.
> I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
> So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
> And it's the same side of the street. I don't
> even have to cross the road!
> ~~~~~
> Answering machine message,
> "I am not available right now,
> but thank you for caring enough to call.
> I am making some changes in my life.
> Please leave a message after the beep.
> If I do not return your call,
> you are one of the changes."
> ~~~~~
> Aspire to inspire before you expire.
> ~~~~~
> My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
> ~~~~~
> Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
> ~~~~~
> Blessed are those who can give without remembering
> and take without forgetting.
> ~~~~~
> The irony of life is that,
> by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
> you're not going anywhere.
> ~~~~~
> God made man before woman so as to give him time
> to think of an answer for her first question.
> ~~~~~
> I was always taught to respect my elders,
> but it keeps getting harder to find one.
> ~~~~~
> Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
> ~~~~~
> The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
> "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
> severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
> and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
> are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
> Pledge of Allegiance?"
Joined: Nov 2009
Only in Texas...
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented...
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bulls**t!"
Joined: Nov 2009
Golf & marriage...
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
clubs for his Saturday game.
His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long
period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your
clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?”
He replied, ”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replied, ”I wasn't.“
Joined: Nov 2009
Ventriloquist...
A different twist...very funny
Http://vimeo.com/61886386
Joined: Nov 2009
Grammer Matters...
For all my
grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle ...
Joined: Jul 2012
Hi everyone
A journalist goes to Russia for documentary.
In a little village he sees an old man and asks him:
Can you tell me your most beautiful memory in this village ?
The old man smiles and starts his story:-
One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka and look for the goat. When we finally found her, as of tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village got their turn to do the goat. We had so much fun that day!
The journalist thinks it would be quite inapropriate to publish such a story so he asks the old man if he doesn't have another story.
The old man smiles again and says:
Once, my neighbour's wife got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then go look for her. As of tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn with the neighbour's wife. We had great fun !!
Journalist: Ummm... Don't you have anything umm...sadder ?
The old man acquires a very sad expression and says:
One day I got lost in the mountains......
Joined: Nov 2011
aditya_fighter
We haven't heard from you for absolutely ages - I hope you haven't been lost in the mountains!
How are you doing these days?
Joined: Jul 2012
Lost and found
Thanks TW for remembering me.
I was lost in the mountains for a while but Russians did'nt find me.
Well, I am good these days. I would like to be very brief on this thread.
Diagnosed with mRCC May/12, Left Radical Nephrectomy May/12, Mets to lungs, put on Votrient 400 mg OD, tolerated well, visited MD Anderson Sept/12, Advised to continue with Votrient, however, Votrient lost efficacy Jan/13, detected one met in L5 and one in brain Feb/13, radiotherapy for L5 and Gamma knife surgery for brain met Mar/13. Stopped Votrient, put on Sutent 50 mg OD, tolerating Sutent reasonably well, completed 3 cycles, latest scan shows reduction in size and activity of met in L5, mets in lungs and brain have become inactive. General condition is good, slight pain in back so moving with a lumbar support. God is the saviour.
Cheers!!!! Guys!!! Now the humor
Ever wondered why men are'nt allowed to run advise in love columns in magazines and newspapers. Had they been, such would be their responses.
Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2km from home n my car engine started 2 overheat so i had to turn back and get another car. When i got home i found my husband in bed with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help.
Reply:
Dear anonymous.
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. U need to check your oil and water level in your engine b4 u start your journey. U must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helped you...!!
Aditya
Joined: Nov 2009
Ladies and gentlemen...
We have found thr goat...where will it go from here?
Joined: Feb 2013
NOT FUNNY GARY!
Actually, it hits too close to home!
Very funny Gary!
Michael
Joined: Jul 2012
Funny!
Joined: Mar 2012
Texting
texting
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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