Funny Bonz IV

A man was sitting alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead  sitting at the next table whom he had been checking out.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards him.  Reflexively he reached out, caught it in mid air and handed it back to her.

"Oh my, I am so sorry!" she said as she popped it back into place.  "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together followed by drinks and the theater thoroughly enjoying each others company.  They talked and laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.  It was as though they were meant for each other.

As the evening came to a close she asked if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast.  They had a WONDERFUL time.

The next morning she cooked a gourmet breakfast complete with all the trimmings, he was amazed, everything had been so incredible.

"You know" he said "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

'No," she replies..........

She said.............................

(The suspence is killing you isn't it?)

"You just happened to catch my eye."

“You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”

During an audit by the IT department it was discovered that a blonde secretary was using the following for her password;

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said;

"Helllooo!  It has to be at least eight characters and include at least one capital."

Texas_wedge said:

A good collection?

 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'   - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)     I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'   - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement

 

- Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

 

- George Burns

 

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

 

- Victor Borge

 

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

 

- Mark Twain

 

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

 

- Socrates

 

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

 

- Groucho Marx

 

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

 

- Jimmy Durante

 

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

 

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

 

- Alex Levine

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

 

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

 

- Spike Milligan

 

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

 

- Joe Namath

 

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

 

- Bob Hope

 

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

 

 

- W. C. Fields

 

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 

 

- Will Rogers

 

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 

 

- Winston Churchill

 

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

 

 

- Phyllis Diller 

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

 

- Billy Crystal

 

 

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

 

 

I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

Coincidence?? 

Alabama beat Arkansas

and they fired the coach.



Alabama beat Tennessee

and they fired the coach.



Alabama beat Auburn

and they fired the coach.



Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...



Makes ya wish the White House had a team doesn't it?

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However,he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ George Brett

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Wiese

9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells

15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

 On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be  barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a  pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,  "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat,  sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only  twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave  back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the  grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. 

There is no need to  thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.   If you are looking for me, I will be on the front  porch

 

yelling at the kids to get off my lawn.