Funny Bonz IV

Djinnie said:

Adam's Rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to"

God said, " Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense"

Adam asked, " what will this woman cost?"

God said, " An arm and a leg "

Adam said, " What can I get for just a rib?"

GSRon said:

An Oldie

An Oldie but a goodie... for guys, that is...!!! 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers,
saying that they don't care about or respect others.
Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the
small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who reported
finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening
in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until this family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,
a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids,
2 1/2 inch false eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt

to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.



See there, Texas Police do care.

garym said:

Sex after death...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

 

"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!”

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Florida.”

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest 
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is 
going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come 
on in.'


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near 
the pieces of window glass.



A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?



'Uh...yeah!, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.



'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.





Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'



Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'



'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'



'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.



 


'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'






 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'







'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your 
wife.'



The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'



You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'





So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.






The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'



'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.





 

'No Kidding,' he said.




 'Thirty-five years old and you still believe in 
genies?'

garym said:

The new teacher...

A former Army Ranger took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher had been an Army Ranger, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

NO...this is not an Al Gore story...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy
young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you
have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best
price. The sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.   And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all  the goods he had at
the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that
only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over
Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were
called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,
Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon
started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

He soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

garym said:

Only the Irish...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, 
looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, 
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp 
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean, 
"He couldn't do that to you, 
he must have had something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, 
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have something in your hand?" 
That I did," said Paddy. 
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

********************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
is driving home from the city one night and, 
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 
"So," says the cop to the driver, 
where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," 
slurs the drunk. 
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
a few to drink this evening." 
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and 
folding his arms across his chest, 
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. 
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

***************************************************************************** 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, 
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya". 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. 
But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus 
is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, 
he got out three times to pee."

 

******************************************************************************

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after 
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. 
My husband passed away last night." 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. 
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father." 
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " 
She says, He said, 
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

*********************************************************

 

ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, 
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his 
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, 
there's no paper on this side either!"