Funny Bonz IV
Comments
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You guys just made me spewMDCinSC said:My Neighbor
I noticed at my next door neighbor's house that right after his wife went to work in the mornings women would start showing up at his house every hour or so until late afternoon right before his wife would get home from work.
This went on 5 days per week. I finally had all I could stand and one morning right after one of these ladies left his house I knocked on his door and said....
"I know what you're doing over here and you should be hung!".
...he said he was!
You guys just made me spew water all over my iPad screen!
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You guysTillieSOK said:You guys just made me spew
You guys just made me spew water all over my iPad screen!
If that was the first time,Tillie, we'll have to up our game, won't we, guys? So, over to our leader - get something going Gary! Michael and Ron are in good supporting form and Fox is back!!
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I love a challenge...Texas_wedge said:You guys
If that was the first time,Tillie, we'll have to up our game, won't we, guys? So, over to our leader - get something going Gary! Michael and Ron are in good supporting form and Fox is back!!
Three old friends, Michael, Ron, and Tex, meet every Saturday morning for a round of golf. One Saturday a gorgeous blond named Tillie, a real fox, wearing a tight top and a very short skirt asked if she could join them and make it a foursome. Gentlemen that they are they agreed it was a great idea. As the round progressed the boys would offer pointers on grip, stance, club selection, etc. and her game rapidly improved.
When they reached the 18th green Tillie was extremely excited stating that if she made this putt for birdie it would be her best round ever. Then she said "The man who helps me the most in making this 30 foot putt will be treated to a night of passion he will never forget."
Immediately Michael said "Its a tricky putt with a double break, but if you aim at the left lip and hit it firm it will roll right in."
Ron comes up and says "No, no, you can take the double break out of it if you play it higher to the left and just hit it a little harder. Do that, and it will roll right in."
Then Tex steps up, surveys the putt from all angles, and finally squats down behind her ball stroking his chin. Then, with a wink, he picks it up, tosses it to her and says "Aye lassie, its a gimmie."
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Delivered as requested!!!garym said:I love a challenge...
Three old friends, Michael, Ron, and Tex, meet every Saturday morning for a round of golf. One Saturday a gorgeous blond named Tillie, a real fox, wearing a tight top and a very short skirt asked if she could join them and make it a foursome. Gentlemen that they are they agreed it was a great idea. As the round progressed the boys would offer pointers on grip, stance, club selection, etc. and her game rapidly improved.
When they reached the 18th green Tillie was extremely excited stating that if she made this putt for birdie it would be her best round ever. Then she said "The man who helps me the most in making this 30 foot putt will be treated to a night of passion he will never forget."
Immediately Michael said "Its a tricky putt with a double break, but if you aim at the left lip and hit it firm it will roll right in."
Ron comes up and says "No, no, you can take the double break out of it if you play it higher to the left and just hit it a little harder. Do that, and it will roll right in."
Then Tex steps up, surveys the putt from all angles, and finally squats down behind her ball stroking his chin. Then, with a wink, he picks it up, tosses it to her and says "Aye lassie, its a gimmie."
I always know I can rely on you Gary but I have to say I think you've surpassed yourself with this one.
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Gauntlet thrown!garym said:I love a challenge...
Three old friends, Michael, Ron, and Tex, meet every Saturday morning for a round of golf. One Saturday a gorgeous blond named Tillie, a real fox, wearing a tight top and a very short skirt asked if she could join them and make it a foursome. Gentlemen that they are they agreed it was a great idea. As the round progressed the boys would offer pointers on grip, stance, club selection, etc. and her game rapidly improved.
When they reached the 18th green Tillie was extremely excited stating that if she made this putt for birdie it would be her best round ever. Then she said "The man who helps me the most in making this 30 foot putt will be treated to a night of passion he will never forget."
Immediately Michael said "Its a tricky putt with a double break, but if you aim at the left lip and hit it firm it will roll right in."
Ron comes up and says "No, no, you can take the double break out of it if you play it higher to the left and just hit it a little harder. Do that, and it will roll right in."
Then Tex steps up, surveys the putt from all angles, and finally squats down behind her ball stroking his chin. Then, with a wink, he picks it up, tosses it to her and says "Aye lassie, its a gimmie."
A rich man dies and his wife has him cremated.
After his ashes are returned to her she opens the jar and pours them out on the coffee table. Then she has a show and tell!
Jerry, do you remember that diamond ring I always wanted and you said No? Well, here it is!
Jerry, do you remember that Mink I always wanted and you said No? Well here it is.
Jerry, do you remember that blow job you always wanted and I said No? Well (PUFF) Here it is!
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Taysiders in SpaceMDCinSC said:Gauntlet thrown!
A rich man dies and his wife has him cremated.
After his ashes are returned to her she opens the jar and pours them out on the coffee table. Then she has a show and tell!
Jerry, do you remember that diamond ring I always wanted and you said No? Well, here it is!
Jerry, do you remember that Mink I always wanted and you said No? Well here it is.
Jerry, do you remember that blow job you always wanted and I said No? Well (PUFF) Here it is!
Cued by Gary's Scottish theme, I thought you might like to know how we sound in the area of Scotland that I live in - it's called Tayside.
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My Wife . . .garym said:I love a challenge...
Three old friends, Michael, Ron, and Tex, meet every Saturday morning for a round of golf. One Saturday a gorgeous blond named Tillie, a real fox, wearing a tight top and a very short skirt asked if she could join them and make it a foursome. Gentlemen that they are they agreed it was a great idea. As the round progressed the boys would offer pointers on grip, stance, club selection, etc. and her game rapidly improved.
When they reached the 18th green Tillie was extremely excited stating that if she made this putt for birdie it would be her best round ever. Then she said "The man who helps me the most in making this 30 foot putt will be treated to a night of passion he will never forget."
Immediately Michael said "Its a tricky putt with a double break, but if you aim at the left lip and hit it firm it will roll right in."
Ron comes up and says "No, no, you can take the double break out of it if you play it higher to the left and just hit it a little harder. Do that, and it will roll right in."
Then Tex steps up, surveys the putt from all angles, and finally squats down behind her ball stroking his chin. Then, with a wink, he picks it up, tosses it to her and says "Aye lassie, its a gimmie."
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."The cast and neck brace come off in two weeks!
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ThanksMDCinSC said:My Wife . . .
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."The cast and neck brace come off in two weeks!
Gary thanks for helping me get through my meeting today.. Glad that my boss is not reading this.
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It's a shame I only playgarym said:I love a challenge...
Three old friends, Michael, Ron, and Tex, meet every Saturday morning for a round of golf. One Saturday a gorgeous blond named Tillie, a real fox, wearing a tight top and a very short skirt asked if she could join them and make it a foursome. Gentlemen that they are they agreed it was a great idea. As the round progressed the boys would offer pointers on grip, stance, club selection, etc. and her game rapidly improved.
When they reached the 18th green Tillie was extremely excited stating that if she made this putt for birdie it would be her best round ever. Then she said "The man who helps me the most in making this 30 foot putt will be treated to a night of passion he will never forget."
Immediately Michael said "Its a tricky putt with a double break, but if you aim at the left lip and hit it firm it will roll right in."
Ron comes up and says "No, no, you can take the double break out of it if you play it higher to the left and just hit it a little harder. Do that, and it will roll right in."
Then Tex steps up, surveys the putt from all angles, and finally squats down behind her ball stroking his chin. Then, with a wink, he picks it up, tosses it to her and says "Aye lassie, its a gimmie."
It's a shame I only play miniature golf! Roflmao!
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Some Doctors...TillieSOK said:It's a shame I only play
It's a shame I only play miniature golf! Roflmao!
Some Doctors just do not know ****... OK, this is another Ron - Mom story.. all true.. But yes, a **** story indeed.. So here I was around 5 years old.. (yes I really was a kid once..). And I had a problem.. it was painful to take a B.M. And as a kid.. I tried to hide it.. but when it turned a tad bloody, well.. the jig was up..! So, Mom drags me off to a Protocologist.. and after putting me on this odd upside down chair he finds nothing... However the blood stained undies made a believer out of him. So we make this trip a few times.. nothing.. The Proco man sent me to get a Lower G.I. testing.. oh yes we love them enemas..NOT..!! Still nothing..
So, my Mom got a bit impatient with Mr Procto Man.. she bends me over and says to him.. "What do you call that..? It is plain as pie.. can't you see it..??" Yep a tumor right there.. I do not remember how much Mr Procto Man apologized, but what came next was sure painful for a young kid.. big needle and Mr Knife.. and into a specimen bottle it went, done deal right..?? Now remember this is about 55 years ago.. no one knew the word "Cancer".. My Mom being the weirdo she was, asked the Dr if she could have that little bottle to put on the mantel to show it off... Ah er.. the Dr says.. we need to test it to see if it is Malignant.. At the time.. my Mom did not have any idea what all that meant... but a few years down the road, well.. it all seems like a funny story to tell.. And yes, here was a layperson telling a Proctologist he does not know ****..!!!
(no it was not malignent..)Be Well All..!!
Ron
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New element discovered...garym said:I'M BAAAAAAAACK...
The CSIRO has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv).
It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.0 -
Getting old...garym said:New element discovered...
The CSIRO has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv).
It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked:
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over....
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker....
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
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OMG...garym said:Getting old...
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked:
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over....
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker....
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
I have finnally discovered what is wrong with my brain...
On the left side there is nothing right,
and on the right side there is nothing left!
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Find?garym said:An Archaeological Find Indeed!
Not found - on my PC anyway, Gary!
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Pierre and BoudreauxPierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.
Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. Him grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane.""No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"
Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"
There was a long pause. De silence was deafanin! "We need ta know who you next of kin and where ta send da flower...0 -
Adam's RibPhoenix Rising said:Pierre and Boudreaux
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.
Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. Him grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane.""No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"
Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"
There was a long pause. De silence was deafanin! "We need ta know who you next of kin and where ta send da flower...Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to"
God said, " Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense"
Adam asked, " what will this woman cost?"
God said, " An arm and a leg "
Adam said, " What can I get for just a rib?"
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Find...Texas_wedge said:Find?
Not found - on my PC anyway, Gary!
Its a picture of a skeleton with the skull imbedded in the pelvis
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khrpy4V0-U4
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