Funny Bonz IV
Comments
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rosesfoxhd said:Been assured this one is OK
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar having a drink. They look up to see a man walking in with a couple dozen red roses in his arms. The blonde says, " Isn't that your husband? And he is bringing those flowers over here to give to you. What a thoughtful man." The brunette says, " Not really. Now he will be expecting me to spend all weekend flat on my back with my legs up in the air." The blonde says, "What? you don't have a vase?"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"0 -
Oh God!!!!!foxhd said:sorry
I'm a jerk.
A Guy who was endowed with a 25 inch Long Tool, said to God:
I cant Live with this long ....
God-Go to that Lake,
U will find a Female Frog..
Ask her 2 Marry u,
she'll say No &
U will Lose 5 inch.
He Went & Found the Frog: will u Marry me?
Frog-No!
He Lost 5 inches.
He thought 20 inch is still Long.
So he asked again - will u Marry Me?
Frog-No
He Lost 5 inches More.
He thought 15inch is Great,
But 10 inches is Ideal
So he asked again- will u Marry me?
Frog-How many Times do I have to tell u?
NO! NO! NO!0 -
Cowboy and IRS---SORRY! I couldn't resist.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.
His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,
'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,
'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich ....
beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the U.S. government offers to help you,
there's going to be a string attached.
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Women's Tee
It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."
Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.
A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"0 -
The Wedding!
As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"
"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."
The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!"0 -
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...garym said:Once again discrimination rears its ugly head....
Will it never end?
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.Teacher : Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...0 -
Men and women...garym said:One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.Teacher : Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...0 -
My idol...garym said:Men and women...
As you may know ammunition is currently in very short supply. Last night a man in his 80's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15 5.56 HATO round ammo at the local sportings goods store.
On his way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven for gas where this young, drop-dead gorgeous, blonde was filling her car at the pump next to his.
She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his jeep and said in a very seductive voice "Hey old timer, I'm a big beliver in the barter ststem, would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
The old guy thought for a moment and replied "Depends, what kinda ammo ya got?"
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Case dismissed...
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came to court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied,"Well your honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help noticing her condition. "She sat under a sign that said, 'the Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned.
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "Williams big stick did the trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
"But your honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' ... I just lost it".
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Sales Talkgarym said:Case dismissed...
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came to court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied,"Well your honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help noticing her condition. "She sat under a sign that said, 'the Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned.
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "Williams big stick did the trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
"But your honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' ... I just lost it".
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Funneee..Djinnie said:Sales Talk
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.I bet he felt like an idiot.
OK, time for an olde funny dirty video.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRsPGLwvwXk Go ahead, don't be scared now..
Ron
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The arrogance of athority...A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"
The rancher then nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge! Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"0 -
Dangerous Foods
Kinda brings tears to your eyes, don't it!
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...."The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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The Gambler-Anyone we know?anmazon said:Dangerous Foods
Kinda brings tears to your eyes, don't it!
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...."The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
.... but all men...are men!0 -
Anyone we know?MDCinSC said:The Gambler-Anyone we know?
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
.... but all men...are men!I don't suppose she just happened to have had a small tattoo fetchingly located a little below her waistline, did she? I guess I may know who you were thinking about Michael, though I don't think she comes from very near Cork!
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Good one..Texas_wedge said:Anyone we know?
I don't suppose she just happened to have had a small tattoo fetchingly located a little below her waistline, did she? I guess I may know who you were thinking about Michael, though I don't think she comes from very near Cork!
OK, so some of my Irish pals have just arrived on the IOM... I must tell them this joke... However the real issue is me understanding what they say... I must confess I get embarrassed that I often have to ask the to repeat more slowly... I think I need an interpreter... wonder who could qualify for that job..??
It is only 9 days until I arrive on the IOM...!! Here is a clip from my favorite non-US movie.. "No Limit" made in 1934.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NAi6feAMOs&feature=related
Cheers..!!
Ron
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My NeighborMDCinSC said:The Gambler-Anyone we know?
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
.... but all men...are men!I noticed at my next door neighbor's house that right after his wife went to work in the mornings women would start showing up at his house every hour or so until late afternoon right before his wife would get home from work.
This went on 5 days per week. I finally had all I could stand and one morning right after one of these ladies left his house I knocked on his door and said....
"I know what you're doing over here and you should be hung!".
...he said he was!
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