Is anyone still scared?
Comments
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TxLady,TxLady said:I may be in denial
but I have not been scared. If I had to describe my feelings, I was annoyed. I had plans for 2009 that I knew would be postponed until I was through with treatment. My initial reaction to my diagnosis was the same as if I had appendicitis....remove the XXX thing, give me follow up medicine and let me get on with my life.
Having said that, it is totally understandable that a person would be scared. I'm just a bit different from other folks.
I'd imagine that
TxLady,
I'd imagine that denial is probably a possible response to almost any situation which can arise in life. I honestly don't know. But as you said, perhaps it's just that you are different from most, regarding fears.
If you should be in denial, then those closest to you, who know you best, such as loved one's, family, close friends or your doctor's...they will likely become aware of it, and likely attempt to address it with you. If you disagree, then tell them so because you are certainly entitled to NOT be afraid. Your not being afraid at all...well, I think it's just the next best thing to sliced bread and you're in a phenomenal place. I wish no one ever had to cope with the kind of fears that most of us experience when we get a dx of cancer. Just because most of us do have fears, particularly at the outset, doesn't indicate that all of us "should" have them or necessarily will have them, in my humble opinion. Just take it one day at a time. The emotional side of cancer is something each of us must address in our own way, on our own terms. Nothing helps many of us do that, like talking about it with others who understand. As long as you feel that you're moving forward and taking good care of yourself, then you're doing ok!
This is a very good place for sharing and helping us to figure things out as we go because someone here has always been there and can share tips, ideas and suggestions. Your sharing your lack of fear is special and likely in the minority, so I'm happy that you put it out there. I think it can help others in knowing that if
they happen to also not be afraid, they know that someone else here understands it.
Feeling understood is important, particularly here at CSN. As an analogy: Just because 99% of us did not turn neon purple from treatment, doesn't mean that the majority doesn't want to hear about it from the 10% who did. We value our sisters here...neon purple, bald, sick as dogs, depressed, or just the hilarious clowns of the group. Doesn't matter.
Warm hugs and all good wishes! I know you will get back to those plans for '09, which you had to postpone. I hope all is going (or did go) well with treatment and that you're getting back to your life in the best of spirits.
Love, light & laughter,
Ink0 -
Late Night Fearscheyennedawn said:Hey Kylez,
Of course I get
Hey Kylez,
Of course I get scared. That is perfectly normal. I try not to let it bother me too much, but sometimes, late at night, when everyones asleep, I can't help but think about what would happen to them. Then I get very sad. I love my family dearly, and the thought of not being around to watch them grow up and have families of their own is almost unbearable! But, I also know that you can not dwell on the "what ifs". That is no way to live your life. Now, I have a long way to go myself, alot of healing to do, physically as well as emotionally. But, I also know that what ever happens, God healed me, so that I could be here a little longer with my kids. I hope I will be here to see them grown up, married to their soul mates, and with babies. That is my wish. One thing that cancer has taught me is to not sweat the "small" stuff. Nothing seems as big as cancer is. Know what I mean? Life is precious, and I want to live it to the fullest extent possible.
Ink said it beautifully. That was awesome Ink! Well said.
Hang in there!
Hugs, Cheyenne
Late night is the time of all boogiemen, isn't it? I have dealt with night fears since my diagnosis in Feb/09. My solution is to have guided imagery cds which fill my mind and ward off these useless fears. I am soon asleep and filled with hope. I can't feel the fear unless I focus on it so these tapes have been a real help. Book stores and Amazon have many to choose from. I use headsets so my hubby's sleep is undisturbed.
Roseann0 -
I've heard this saying:Tux said:The way I look at it, every
The way I look at it, every day is a gift & I am going to use it fully. I am living on "borrowed" time & I need to make the best of it.
Hugs & prayers to you...
I've heard this saying: "Every day is a gift; that's why we call it the PRESENT." xoxoxoxo Lynn0 -
time is our friend.VickiSam said:Kylez .. I am scared .. I will be having my bone scan and
PT scan on Friday .. anything have to do with mammo, testing, mri etc .. scares me. Plain and simple.
I am DCIS - high grade, invasive, Her2 positive and fight with the possiblity of cancer spreading elsewhere in my tired body. Normal thoughts, maybe .. but I refuse to give in FEAR .. time is our friend, FEAR is the enemy.
Outdoorgirl is speaking from the Bible when she states .. It's reality.
Stay strong and peaceful:
VickiSam
Thank you for this verse.I have it saved in my favorites.i want to remember it.(Pat).0 -
Fear...lynn1950 said:I've heard this saying:
I've heard this saying: "Every day is a gift; that's why we call it the PRESENT." xoxoxoxo Lynn
I will soon be a 4-year survivor, from the time of my dx, on Dec 13th.
It's a strange thing, but up until my husband and I went away at the end of the summer, the fear of cancer was everpresent in my mind. Even when the fear was latent, I knew it was there because it rose quickly to the forefront every time I felt something that I didn't think should be there.
I know my drs are watching carefully for anything that may concern them, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on my own body as well (just in case they overlook something). Yet, what I sense now is that, if cancer should raise its ugly head again, I will know that I can and I will deal with it. I did it once and I survived. I can do it again. If I survive it a second time, I will know that I still have something yet to accomplish here. If I don't, well, I know that something beautiful awaits me.
I had a spiritual awakening at the end of the summer (though prior to this, as many of you know, it was a summer of many challenges). I honestly don't know if it is this spiritual awakening, or whether it is my own internal resolve, but I do know that I have come to accept that cancer is a part of life. Perhaps, it is a combination of both.
Regardless, I do not fear what may never come to pass. For if I fear now, it is, for me, fear only for the sake of fear itself. If it returns, fear will not conquer it. Faith will not conquer, either. The only thing that will conquer it is the reality that it is still not my time. I will fight, if I can. I will survive, if it is meant to be. I will succumb to it, if that is my decision or cards that am dealt (cards that I choose to play or discard).
I no longer fear death, anymore than I fear the commute to my job on a cold icy winter morning on unplowed backroads. I do not welcome the trip, but I know that it will be there waiting for me regardless of what I want, or fear. I survived a near fatal car accident nearly 14 years ago, I have made this commute for nearly 12 years during some of the worse winters in Michigan's recent history, and I've survived cancer for nearly four.
For me, there is nothing gained by fear---except more fear.
dmc0 -
Feardmc_emmy said:Fear...
I will soon be a 4-year survivor, from the time of my dx, on Dec 13th.
It's a strange thing, but up until my husband and I went away at the end of the summer, the fear of cancer was everpresent in my mind. Even when the fear was latent, I knew it was there because it rose quickly to the forefront every time I felt something that I didn't think should be there.
I know my drs are watching carefully for anything that may concern them, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on my own body as well (just in case they overlook something). Yet, what I sense now is that, if cancer should raise its ugly head again, I will know that I can and I will deal with it. I did it once and I survived. I can do it again. If I survive it a second time, I will know that I still have something yet to accomplish here. If I don't, well, I know that something beautiful awaits me.
I had a spiritual awakening at the end of the summer (though prior to this, as many of you know, it was a summer of many challenges). I honestly don't know if it is this spiritual awakening, or whether it is my own internal resolve, but I do know that I have come to accept that cancer is a part of life. Perhaps, it is a combination of both.
Regardless, I do not fear what may never come to pass. For if I fear now, it is, for me, fear only for the sake of fear itself. If it returns, fear will not conquer it. Faith will not conquer, either. The only thing that will conquer it is the reality that it is still not my time. I will fight, if I can. I will survive, if it is meant to be. I will succumb to it, if that is my decision or cards that am dealt (cards that I choose to play or discard).
I no longer fear death, anymore than I fear the commute to my job on a cold icy winter morning on unplowed backroads. I do not welcome the trip, but I know that it will be there waiting for me regardless of what I want, or fear. I survived a near fatal car accident nearly 14 years ago, I have made this commute for nearly 12 years during some of the worse winters in Michigan's recent history, and I've survived cancer for nearly four.
For me, there is nothing gained by fear---except more fear.
dmc
I think I will always have the fear of it returning. It seems like it has for so many on here and with me being young, there is a lot of time for it to come back.
But, I am living my life to the fullest and will continue. I love my life, I love living it!
Angie0 -
scared, fear, phobic etc...
There are many words to describe ones " fear". I like to follow it up with Hope, dreams, family/friends. Keeps the life fire burning, along with the chemo, radition,needle sticks. lol
Kind of a yen/yan experience for me. My true fear is reaccurance. I'll just fight that one to I guess. Keep ur thoughts positive, ur mind strong and have little breakdowns in between ; )0 -
Thanks everyone!Katz77 said:scared, fear, phobic etc...
There are many words to describe ones " fear". I like to follow it up with Hope, dreams, family/friends. Keeps the life fire burning, along with the chemo, radition,needle sticks. lol
Kind of a yen/yan experience for me. My true fear is reaccurance. I'll just fight that one to I guess. Keep ur thoughts positive, ur mind strong and have little breakdowns in between ; )
Thanks everyone!0 -
I could not agree with yououtdoorgirl said:You know,
in a way,I feel like cancer has only made us stronger. Not everybody has to face the beast like we do. To me,it says something about us- that yes,we are scared of the unknown,but we are tough and won't back down to this awful disease!
I could not agree with you more.In a way we are lucky to find out how strong we can really be,kathy0 -
Pat, I am so sorry. I wishppurdin said:Scared
yes all the time.I just had my first Chemo today.Iv cryed all day off and on.keep thinking what side effects will I have.I know my hair will be gone soon.Relizing my life will never be the same.Love and prayers.(Pat)
Pat, I am so sorry. I wish I could write something to make you feel better. Just know that we are all in this together! I am praying for you!
Angie0 -
follow upTxLady said:I may be in denial
but I have not been scared. If I had to describe my feelings, I was annoyed. I had plans for 2009 that I knew would be postponed until I was through with treatment. My initial reaction to my diagnosis was the same as if I had appendicitis....remove the XXX thing, give me follow up medicine and let me get on with my life.
Having said that, it is totally understandable that a person would be scared. I'm just a bit different from other folks.
I hope I did not make it sound like I'm mad at the world - I'm not. I generally tend to be a problem solver.....so cancer was just another "problem" that needed analysis and action. Hence, my comparison to appendicitis.
I realize the only thing I can control about this whole ordeal is how I handle living with cancer. And hopefully, I will do it with kindness and compassion for others, focusing on the wonderful people and things in my life, and remembering that, in spite of the disease, I've been pretty blessed in life.0 -
WOW, ink, thank you!inkblot said:My thoughts on fears may
My thoughts on fears may seem a bit contradictory to the majority who have posted on this topic. But then I am probably a longer term survivor than most of those who have said that they still have fears. And make no mistake, I wholly agree that the passage of time can help lessen them.
I am an 8 year "thriver" and I no longer have fears. That first 6-12 months, post treatment, I had many, but along the way in my emotional healing process, I decided that I did not want to give any energy to fears about the "what ifs". And I had plenty of those playing all over my emotions back then. In reality, the "what if's" are really all the fear is...until we KNOW something differently. We could sit round and think up scenario's for days on end if we let it take us there. For me, even a few hours is a few hours too many to spend in fear about cancer.
Fear is certainly a big part of our lives once we are dx'd and for most of us, through out treatment as well. Even for some time beyond treatment, it can linger, nag and play games with our emotions. And why not? There is plenty to be afraid about, once we are dx'd!!! The best medical treatments we have today are almost savage, at best. Some refer those treatments as the slice/dice, poison and burn approach. But by any name, it's all we have. So we buck up and get through, if we do happen to choose the medical treatment approach. That, dear sisters, requires courage and a lot of bravery. It also requires faith that the treatments will work for us. Trust, that the treatments won't finish us off, while trying to cure us. Hope that we will not suffer debilitating side effects and that we will survive and be ok once again. Fear of the unknown is a big factor when we are dx'd too...like how sick will we be during treatments, etc.. I have not heard of one soul who took a cancer journey without the companionship of fears, whether they chose alternative, complementary or traditional treatment(s)! Not one.
If my cancer returns, if I get a new cancer...well, I will deal with it at that time and I will be the first to know...if you don't count the person in pathology who actually does the testing, and my doctor, who would again, deliver the news that would totally upset my apple cart of life.
Yes, we need to be vigilant (but not hyer-vigilant), we need to listen to and take excellent care of our bodies. Be kind to ourselves and live our lives fully. Not spend time bound up in fears. And it's true, we know better than anyone (who hasn't been there), what it's like. We know the miseries of surgery, chemo, rads, reconstruction and the energy required to get educated quickly and make our treatment decisions. We understand the tears in the wee hours. The physical pains and the emotional turmoil. Looking at our loved ones and crying inside, so they don't see how afraid we are that we may leave them. We were forced to look our mortality straight in the eye balls and our only choice was to continue to stand and fight. Fight yet, with weapons that terrified us almost as much as the disease itself. All the fears that overwhelmed us during those early days of dx and treatment. We know them well. The anxiety, the depression, the anger, all accompanied by more fears. We coped with a lot. But we also learned a lot. We came through wiser and learned many valuable things. There are silver linings in some of the darkest clouds that ever existed. We are proof of that. Even if I live to be 90, I will give fears about cancer NO energy. Not before I have any reason to do so. And the fact that I had it once is not a good enough reason for me.
I fully accept that a certain percentage of us will experience a recurrence or a new cancer at some point in our lives and we may or may not survive a 2nd or 3rd time round. But we're just as likely to survive and thrive, yet again. I believe that to be the facts. We cannot know these things in advance. Why worry about it in advance? I have no crystal ball (and I don't think anyone else has one...not the docs, not the scientists and not the people who compile so many "statistics"). All I can really do is take the positives I gained from cancer forward with me and leave the negatives behind, right where they belong, as part of my history. When we heal, emotionally, I think the fears begin to subside but sometimes it can take a lot of mental/emotional work to put them where they belong and get to where we want to be. Fearing cancer rearing it's ugly head again, will NOT get it dx'd any sooner or get me into treatment modalities any quicker. There is no magic test to reveal cancer when it first begins and truthfully, until we have symptoms or something develops which can be detected by our doctors or ourselves, (evidence)then those are the facts. I accept those facts and spare myself the worry and the stress of unnecessary fears. I keep my appointments. For me, those appointments confirm that I continue to have NED. Cancer can be sneaky, yes. Another fact we accept. But we probably all remember that we didn't see it coming the first time either and we didn't get stressed at our mammo's or other tests, pre cancer...at least I didn't. I never gave cancer much thought, although I knew perfectly well why I was having a mammo or PAP for all those pre-bc years. When I have my annual mammo's and annual gyn visits, annual onc visits, etc., I don't stress. I show up and have it done, just as I always have. I don't anticipate or expect any issues. If something scary pops up, well, I'll save my energy for when and if it does. In the meantime, I've a life to live and overt worries about cancer are not part of it. Cancer takes what it takes from us while we're battling it and that's all it's entitled to, in my opinion. It need not haunt us for the long term. Peace can be ours. If we can get to reconciling the terrifying emotional blow of our cancer experience, and eventually let it go, then we can find the kind of peace within our spirits which roots out fear and exposes it for what it is. It's each of our lives...we must live them, love them, care for them and work to make them what we want them to be. If that means changes in thinking, attitude,thoughts and/or feelings, and some hard looks at our reasoning...well, the sooner we get to work on it, and begin to make adjustments, the better. Don't let those fears begin to grow moss.
Love, light & laughter,
Ink
I cannot begin to tell you how much your words have spoken to me. I need help in being able to put them into practice, but you have no idea how much I needed to hear this ... thank you (through tears!)
May God help me live it out...
Much love,
d.h.0 -
Scared
I don't think the fear ever totally goes away. I think the farther you are away from treatments, the easier it is to tuck in the back of your mind and get back to some sort of "normalcy". I like to say I found a new "normal". But I do find it pops up for different reasons, especially for upcoming scans. I try to stay focused on my three kids to keep me from getting to deep into the fear.0 -
Patppurdin said:Scared
yes all the time.I just had my first Chemo today.Iv cryed all day off and on.keep thinking what side effects will I have.I know my hair will be gone soon.Relizing my life will never be the same.Love and prayers.(Pat)
I'm sorry-I know that it's not easy and especially the unknown. Before your next treatment you will have a better idea of what to expect. I know that that doesn't help you now,and I'm sorry,but there is a light at the end of the tunnel-it's just that you are just starting to go through the tunnel.
We love you and are here for you even if it's only cyber space!0 -
What Ink wrote was perfect!Dawne.Hope said:WOW, ink, thank you!
I cannot begin to tell you how much your words have spoken to me. I need help in being able to put them into practice, but you have no idea how much I needed to hear this ... thank you (through tears!)
May God help me live it out...
Much love,
d.h.
What Ink wrote was perfect! I am glad that it helped you Dawne!
Lex♥0 -
Better?Kylez said:Thanks everyone!
Thanks everyone!
I hope that you are feeling somewhat better now Kylez about your future and that by reading all of these comments, you know that you are not alone. We all get scared at times. Just don't let it run or ruin your life and future!
♥ Noel0 -
Hi Susie! Yes, I am feelingsusie09 said:Are you still feeling this
Are you still feeling this way Kylez? I think or I hope with time, that we will get past this fear.
♠♣ Susie ♠♣
Hi Susie! Yes, I am feeling better. I am sure that it will just take some time for me to really get away from the fear. I just finished rads and am considering tamoxifen. I kind of doubt that I will take it though. Too afraid of the side effects.
So many on here have been so kind to me in PM and in this thread that I hope you all know how very special and wonderful that you are!
Kylez ♥0
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