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Funny Bonz IV

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
May 24, 2013 - 8:07 am

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised, that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying, for example:

The hairdryer;

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

 
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
 Joined: Nov 2009
Jul 15, 2013 - 1:08 pm

Good one Alice!!!
MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
 Joined: Feb 2013
Jul 15, 2013 - 3:08 pm

!
MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
 Joined: Feb 2013
Jul 15, 2013 - 3:09 pm

Excellent Alice! 

Passing that one one in class!  I start a new Composition class tomorrow night.  I think we'll talk about similes and poetic language!

Michael
aditya_fighter
Posts: 20
 Joined: Jul 2012
Jul 16, 2013 - 6:53 am

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother....." the Nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1304
 Joined: Jan 2013
Jul 16, 2013 - 1:05 pm

OK, this one hits home.. it is a true story... I lost my Mom in 1983, I am pretty sure it was RCC..  But her humor and sense of awareness was amazing at times...   

So, I was visiting with her at City of Hope in So Ca.  and we were chatting... and then she starts to laugh big time...  One of the Doctors was there on his day off checking up on patients.. and he was in his civies..  walking shorts..  and my Mom points out.. laughing.. the Doctor is scratching his back side.. and she says..  "he is up his butt, all the way to his elbow"..  talk about a funny visual...  I do miss her.... sigh / laugh..

Ron
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MDCinSC
Posts: 574
 Joined: Feb 2013
Jul 16, 2013 - 1:26 pm

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"
MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
 Joined: Feb 2013
Jul 16, 2013 - 1:38 pm

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest joystick he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge joystick like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
 Joined: Nov 2009
Jul 16, 2013 - 2:18 pm

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

 

 

 
foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
 Joined: Oct 2011
Jul 16, 2013 - 3:14 pm

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar having a drink. They look up to see a man walking in with a couple dozen red roses in his arms. The blonde says, " Isn't that your husband? And he is bringing those flowers over here to give to you. What a thoughtful man." The brunette says, " Not really. Now he will be expecting me to spend all weekend flat on my back with my legs up in the air." The blonde says, "What? you don't have a vase?"
Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1310
 Joined: Jul 2012
Jul 16, 2013 - 3:48 pm

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
 Joined: Oct 2011
Jul 16, 2013 - 3:15 pm

I'm a jerk.
aditya_fighter
Posts: 20
 Joined: Jul 2012
Jul 21, 2013 - 5:50 am

A Guy who was endowed with a 25 inch Long Tool, said to God:

I cant Live with this long ....

God-Go to that Lake,
U will find a Female Frog..
Ask her 2 Marry u,
she'll say No & 
U will Lose 5 inch.

He Went & Found the Frog: will u Marry me?
Frog-No!
He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long. 
So he asked again - will u Marry Me?
Frog-No
He Lost 5 inches More.

He thought 15inch is Great, 
But 10 inches is Ideal
So he asked again- will u Marry me?
Frog-How many Times do I have to tell u?
NO! NO! NO!
anmazon
Posts: 144
 Joined: Jun 2013
Jul 21, 2013 - 4:59 pm

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. 

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. 

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. 

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'  

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.' 

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!  I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.' 

***POOF*** 

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'  

'My second wish is that I was rich  ....

beyond my wildest dreams.' 

** *POOF*** 

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!' 

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'  

***POOF*** 

He was turned into a tampon. 

Moral of the story:  

If the U.S. government offers to help you,

there's going to be a string attached.

 

 
MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
 Joined: Feb 2013
Jul 22, 2013 - 10:01 am



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It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."

Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.

A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
 Joined: Feb 2013
Jul 22, 2013 - 9:55 pm







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As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
 Joined: Nov 2009
Jul 23, 2013 - 7:31 am

Will it never end?

 

 

Untitled.jpg
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
 Joined: Nov 2009
Jul 23, 2013 - 7:53 am

 

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
 Joined: Nov 2009
Jul 23, 2013 - 7:55 am

 

AAA52EEC7E9349748121BE68E2071F54@Sterling.local
 
men vs women 2 Men vs. Women (20 Photos)
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garym
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Jul 23, 2013 - 8:06 am

As you may know ammunition is currently in very short supply.  Last night a man in his 80's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15 5.56 HATO round ammo at the local sportings goods store.

On his way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven for gas where this young, drop-dead gorgeous, blonde was filling her car at the pump next to his.

She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his jeep and said in a very seductive voice "Hey old timer, I'm a big beliver in the barter ststem, would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought for a moment and replied "Depends, what kinda ammo ya got?"
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garym
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Jul 24, 2013 - 7:47 am

Everyone seems so much nicer to me on the road since I picked up my new bike

 

 
part1.00030803.06070007@pacbell.net

 

 
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garym
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Jul 26, 2013 - 8:52 am

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came to court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied,"Well your honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help noticing her condition. "She sat under a sign that said, 'the Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "Williams big stick did the trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

"But your honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' ... I just lost it".

 

 

 

 
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Djinnie
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Jul 27, 2013 - 12:58 pm

 

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters.  Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.Funny English Joke - Window

Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. 
He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

 
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GSRon
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Jul 28, 2013 - 12:08 pm

OK, time for an olde funny dirty video..  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRsPGLwvwXk   Go ahead, don't be scared now..  :)

Ron
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garym
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Jul 30, 2013 - 10:55 am

A DEA  (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and  talked with an old  rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect  your ranch for  illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but  don't go in  that field over there.....", as he pointed out the  location.

The  DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I  have the authority of  the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching  into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant  officer removed his badge and  proudly displayed it to the  rancher.

"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I  wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

ATT00007.jpg

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The  officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his  tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

 

                 

(I just  love this  part....) 

 
     
 
     
 
 
"Your  badge! Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"

 

 
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garym
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Jul 31, 2013 - 3:28 pm

At a certain age it comes to this...

 

 

 
anmazon
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Aug 04, 2013 - 10:46 pm

 

Kinda brings tears to your eyes, don't it!

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...."The  material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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MDCinSC
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Aug 06, 2013 - 8:03 am

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
.... but all men...are men!
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Texas_wedge
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Aug 06, 2013 - 8:51 am

I don't suppose she just happened to have had a small tattoo fetchingly located a little below her waistline, did she?  I guess I may know who you were thinking about Michael, though I don't think she comes from very near Cork!
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GSRon
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Aug 06, 2013 - 11:11 am

OK, so some of my Irish pals have just arrived on the IOM...  I must tell them this joke...   However the real issue is me understanding what they say...  I must confess I get embarrassed that I often have to ask the to repeat more slowly... I think I need an interpreter... wonder who could qualify for that job..??

It is only 9 days until I arrive on the IOM...!!    Here is a clip from my favorite non-US movie..  "No Limit" made in 1934.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NAi6feAMOs&feature=related

Cheers..!!

Ron
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MDCinSC
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Aug 06, 2013 - 12:25 pm

I noticed at my next door neighbor's house that right after his wife went to work in the mornings women would start showing up at his house every hour or so until late afternoon right before his wife would get home from work.

This went on 5 days per week. I finally had all I could stand and one morning right after one of these ladies left his house I knocked on his door and said....
"I know what you're doing over here and you should be hung!".
...he said he was!
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TillieSOK
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Aug 06, 2013 - 1:15 pm

You guys just made me spew water all over my iPad screen!
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Texas_wedge
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Aug 06, 2013 - 2:58 pm

If that was the first time,Tillie, we'll have to up our game, won't we, guys?   So, over to our leader - get something going Gary!  Michael and Ron are in good supporting form and Fox is back!!
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garym
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Aug 07, 2013 - 8:06 am

Three old friends, Michael, Ron, and Tex, meet every Saturday morning for a round of golf.  One Saturday a gorgeous blond named Tillie, a real fox, wearing a tight top and a very short skirt asked if she could join them and make it a foursome.  Gentlemen that they are they agreed it was a great idea.  As the round progressed the boys would offer pointers on grip, stance, club selection, etc. and her game rapidly improved.

When they reached the 18th green Tillie was extremely excited stating that if she made this putt for birdie it would be her best round ever.  Then she said "The man who helps me the most in making this 30 foot putt will be treated to a night of passion he will never forget."

Immediately Michael said "Its a tricky putt with a double break, but if you aim at the left lip and hit it firm it will roll right in."

Ron comes up and says "No, no, you can take the double break out of it if you play it higher to the left and just hit it a little harder.  Do that, and it will roll right in."

Then Tex steps up, surveys the putt from all angles, and finally squats down behind her ball stroking his chin.  Then, with a wink, he picks it up, tosses it to her and says "Aye lassie, its a gimmie."
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Texas_wedge
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Aug 07, 2013 - 8:30 am

I always know I can rely on you Gary but I have to say I think you've surpassed yourself with this one.    LaughingLaughingLaughing
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MDCinSC
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Aug 07, 2013 - 10:25 am

A rich man dies and his wife has him cremated.

After his ashes are returned to her she opens the jar and pours them out on the coffee table. Then she has a show and tell!

Jerry, do you remember that diamond ring I always wanted and you said No? Well, here it is!

 

Jerry, do you remember that Mink I always wanted and you said No? Well here it is.

 

Jerry, do you remember that blow job you always wanted and I said No? Well (PUFF) Here it is!
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Texas_wedge
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Aug 07, 2013 - 11:36 am

Cued by Gary's Scottish theme, I thought you might like to know how we sound in the area of Scotland that I live in -  it's called Tayside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khrpy4V0-U4
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MDCinSC
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Aug 07, 2013 - 12:56 pm

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

The cast and neck brace come off in two weeks!
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GSRon
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Aug 07, 2013 - 1:00 pm

Gary thanks for helping me get through my meeting today.. Glad that my boss is not reading this. :)
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garym
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Aug 07, 2013 - 1:34 pm

 

 
 
 

 

 
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TillieSOK
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Aug 07, 2013 - 4:51 pm

It's a shame I only play miniature golf!  Roflmao!
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GSRon
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Aug 09, 2013 - 9:21 pm

Some Doctors just do not know ****...   OK, this is another Ron - Mom story.. all true..   But yes, a shitty story indeed..   So here I was around 5 years old.. (yes I really was a kid once..).  And I had a problem.. it was painful to take a B.M.  And as a kid.. I tried to hide it.. but when it turned a tad bloody, well.. the jig was up..!   So, Mom drags me off to a Protocologist.. and after putting me on this odd upside down chair he finds nothing... However the blood stained undies made a believer out of him.  So we make this trip a few times.. nothing..  The Proco man sent me to get a Lower G.I. testing.. oh yes we love them enemas..NOT..!!  Still nothing..

So, my Mom got a bit impatient with Mr Procto Man.. she bends me over and says to him.. "What do you call that..?  It is plain as pie.. can't you see it..??"  Yep a tumor right there..  I do not remember how much Mr Procto Man apologized, but what came next was sure painful for a young kid.. big needle and Mr Knife.. and into a specimen bottle it went, done deal right..??   Now remember this is about 55 years ago.. no one knew the word "Cancer"..  My Mom being the weirdo she was, asked the Dr if she could have that little bottle to put on the mantel to show it off...  Ah er.. the Dr says.. we need to test it to see if it is Malignant..  At the time.. my Mom did not have any idea what all that meant...  but a few years down the road, well.. it all seems like a funny story to tell..   And yes, here was a layperson telling a Proctologist he does not know ****..!!!  :)  (no it was not malignent..)

Be Well All..!!

Ron :)
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Eims
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Aug 23, 2013 - 11:26 am

hahahahahahaha love it michael.......now that did make me laugh Kiss

eims x
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garym
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Aug 19, 2013 - 2:31 pm

 
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garym
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Aug 20, 2013 - 7:51 am

 

 The CSIRO has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
 
       
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). 
 
 It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.  All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.

 

 
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garym
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Aug 20, 2013 - 8:00 am

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

 

 

 

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

 

 

 

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!

 

 

 

 

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked:

 

 

 

'How old was your husband?'

 

'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'

 

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

 

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

 

 

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

 

 

 

'And what do you think is the best thing

 

about being 104?' the reporter asked.

 

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

 

 

 

I've sure gotten old!

 

 

 

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

 

 

 

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

 

 

 

I'm half blind,

 

 

 

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

 

 

 

take 40 different medications that

 

 

 

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

 

 

 

Have bouts with dementia.

 

 

 

Have poor circulation;

 

 

 

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

 

 

 

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

 

 

 

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

 

 

 

I still have my driver's license.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to

 

join a fitness club and start exercising.

 

 

 

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

 

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

 

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over....

 

 

 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher

 

she had two final requests.

 

 

 

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes

 

scattered over Wal-Mart.

 

 

 

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

 

 

 

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

 

 

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

 

 

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

 

 

Know how to prevent sagging?

 

 

 

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

 

 

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises

 

 

 

as your coffee maker....

 

 

 

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

 

 

 

'For fast relief.'

 

 

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

 

 

 

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

 

 

 

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

 

 

                                                                                    the eyesight to tell the difference.

 
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
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Aug 20, 2013 - 8:27 am

I have finnally discovered what is wrong with my brain...

On the left side there is nothing right,

and on the right side there is nothing left!
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garym
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Aug 22, 2013 - 8:58 am

 

Inline image 1

 

 
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Texas_wedge
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Aug 22, 2013 - 12:41 pm

Not found - on my PC anyway, Gary!
garym's picture
garym
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Aug 23, 2013 - 7:31 am

Its a picture of a skeleton with the skull imbedded in the pelvis
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Phoenix Rising
Posts: 170
 Joined: Jul 2012
Aug 22, 2013 - 4:20 pm

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. Him grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"
Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"

There was a long pause.  De silence was deafanin! "We need ta know who you next of kin and where ta send da flower...

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