Cancer Survivors Network

That is a good one.I hadn,t heard it yet.Thanks.(Pat).

Just after my mastectomy and just prior to beginning ACT, a so-called do-gooder brought me a plastic bucket to keep in car. She said it was a puke bucket and she had used hers often. I just tossed it into the trash when she left and cried. Sheeeeeesh........

Hi chenheart, I remember you from a loooooong time ago, we used to talk to "Hummingbird", remember? Please let me know if this is you? My old name on ACS was "banker". I have not been here in while.

wow...is all i can say

Dear Claudia,

I don't believe my eyes and ears!!! That probably is the most stupid, insensitive thing I have ever heard. I would love to meet that person just to observe her.

Hugs,
Janelle

Pat,

That could have been a bad scene for you at the time if you were having a hard time with your surgery. It is kind of funny to think about how that must have sounded to someone on the outside who knew the whole situation. I'm sure your niece just wasn't thinking when she put her foot in her mouth like that.

At my hair salon, the stylist is thrilled to finally have a client on radiation because she wanted to see what effect it would have on my hair. Gee, if I had known this before, I could
have tried to get cancer sooner....

As it is, they had to open the salon specially on Sat. for me, since I could not get there in time after rads during the week, so I tipped them liberally for their trouble.

Also, because I have not been sweating in my daily workouts, my hair is actually in better condition than in normally is. However, I would trade good hair for being able to work out.

My sister, who is very into control, criticized me at my first Race For The Cure as a survivor for drinking a Diet Coke. Somehow in her mind she has decided that me drinking a couple of Diet Cokes a day for the past few years resulted in me getting breast cancer. I just laughed because she hasn't changed since childhood: she never passes up a chance to criticize and she always needs to be in control. So, if she doesn't drink Diet Coke she won't get sick. lol

Hands down, the most stupid I've heard so far were the first words out of my co-worker's mouth, when I told him I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer:

"My aunt had that...everyone loved her so much, there were so many people at her funeral."

Traci

That was terrible.But my niece could be cabable of saying the same thing.Good thing we don,t let them get the best of us ha.(Pat).

Yes, I've had so many of those types of comments thrown my direction. At times the image from Monty Python's "Holy Grail" came to mind. The scene where a character is yelling, "Bring out your dead." while pushing a cart through a plague stricken town. John Cleese brings out an old man but the old man says, "But, I'm not dead." Which leads to a funny exchange between the old man and the two who have dicided that his life is over. That always makes me laugh, even when they bonk the old man on the head.

My sisters were convinced it was my diet too. Then they got breast cancer too. We are always wanting to think that this stuff can't happen to us, aren't we?

I remember one person who knew that this was my 4th cancer saying, Well, at least you get the treatable ones. Yes, I am so grateful to have had uterine, bladder, skin and breast cancer. Bless that cancer fairy for treating me to all of this.
And my sister had one of her coworkers tell her they should go wig shopping together and then when Patti started wearing her wigs, she would to and they would be like twins. My sister had planned on wearing hats and scarves instead of a wig. She had already tried wigs on and didn't like the way they looked or felt. She told her coworker this and that she already had some hats and scarves she would be using to which this insensitive clod replied, "Oh, that's because you just want to draw attention to yourself". I was so mad when my sister told me about this. I told my sister she should have told her, "Shave your head, do chemo and have your breast removed, then we'll be twins". If this "friend" had only said the first comment I would have written it off as stupidity, but that second comment was just nasty. But karma is out there and it will get her someday.
Stef

My niece as you can tell is very out spoken like her mother,who is my half sister.We are so not a like,Thank God for that.My sister has had BC.8yrs. ago.And she told me that it would be cheaper to have a masectomy then the treatments.I didn,t know what to say other then some things you can,t put a price on.My daughter says mom you need to stop hanging out with them,they can be so un feeling and mean.I know she is right,but I keep hoping one day they will change.I doubt it.(Pat).I might add that she didn,t get a mesectomy either.If I had to of course I would have,but I didn,t.

and she had criticized me since I could talk. Needless to say, we just don't talk anymore, I finally wised up. No need for all that stress.

and she had criticized me since I could talk. Needless to say, we just don't talk anymore, I finally wised up. No need for all that stress.

My sister before mastectomy - "you have a small (B) breast anyway".
My friend ask me if I want to make extra money by sewing curtains during my chemo.
My very supportive husband suggested on improving my computer skills (Advanced Excel, Accesses) because I was at home.
Two weeks after mastectomy my another friend suggested on"expanding my horizons" because I have extra time and should not focusing on my illness. " go to the public library for researching a new interesting topic,it would take your mind away from BC".

Sewing curtains during chemo to make extra money - of course, why didn't I think of that? It's not like you would be TIRED or anything.....

Expanding horizons is always good. (Haven't our horizons been expanded enough tryin to keep up with all the bc info?) Some days I feel like I am taking on a study in medical terminology on top of my regular desk job.

Great comments!

wow, that one you said "are you ok" followed by the concerned stare,,usully by peopkle that just want to get the gossip and pass it along,,oh yeah! that is a kicker,,Like I just want to say bug off,I was so glad you mentioned this,,I was thinking it was irritating but when I read your take on it I felt better,,,lots of stupid folks out there.

worst is nice ONLY radation & surgery! NOW YOU can get bigger boobs! (if got Plastic surgery)

as classmate of my then 16 yr old said OH I can't wait until your mom loses all her hair..

little did HE Know I didnt'have chemo & never did. IT REALLY bothered my daughter..when she finally told me (SO not to hurt my feelings) I just explained this guy was a jerk and I was ok with it so just don't respond to him!

A few people after asking me how I feel (and I answer"Just fine!") have said, "NO..Really! How are you?" I think I look fabulous when I look in the mirror. And it's stupid how many people will look straight at my chest while talking to me about it.

My fathers' girlfriend said, "You don't look sick" Well what the hell-how am I suppose to look.

Comments about being bald is not what I want to hear from someone that is dating my father.

And her husband died of cancer--don't know what kind but at this point I don't give a damn.

Hugs,
Margo

my daughter had serious kidney issues and we prayed for her at Church the day before the surgery. She was 10 at the time. I was shocked at how many people said, "she doesn't look sick."

oh sorry
best laugh i have had all week
tj

Oh! That was precious!oops that was directed at the son who asked if they were gonna put it back!!!

I have two sons and i can totally understand that comment. Reading what you wrote made me laugh out loud. Lately that does not happen very often. thank you

Oh God help those caring individuals who put their feet in their mouths all in an effort to minimize what we are going thru, saying things they think will make us feel better, or actually make us better. For those who say can I do anything, I say, if they really wanted to help, they would take it upon themselves to really do something.

Or the ones who say, my friends Millie, Tillie, Billie and Willie have all been thru it, and they did just fine. They had lots of energy, and looked great. Millie and Tillie had radiation no chemo, and got thru it with flying colors. Millie and Tillie didnt need chemo, why do you? Billie and Willie lost their hair, but always looked beautiful,and had no problem loosing their hair, and they also watched their 10 grandkids, and kept their 7 day a week jobs while they were going thru chemo.

When they ask how you feel, and you really tell them, they change the subject and the topic switches to "all about them", their aches and pains and the people and things they really want to discuss which is certainly not us.

I also like the know it alls, who say you know there are natural treatments, have yu tried acupuncture, why arent they giving you X,Y and Z treatment. The psychoanalysts who say well you know cancer is all about attitude, what is the first thing you think about when you get up in the morning, did you get a 2nd opinion, etc, etc, etc.

Pat I'm so happy you suggested this. I thought I was the only one getting cranky with all those stupid comments all in an effort to make me feel better.

Oh my goodness, Natly -- every single thing you mention, I've heard at least once -- I guess we know all the same people!

Or maybe we both live in especially clueless places...but then, what does that say about us? :-)

Traci

Tracilin do you and I have the same relatives? Most of those comments were made by my clueless relatives, thank God they live several states away! These are some of the people who supposedly love me. Yikes who wants enemies. LOL

I am not alone.I think I have heard 99% of all theses.I forgot to add that my grown son who I adore said when my cancer was brought up.He looked at me after I told him about how many treatments I needed,and said well at least your not dead.Some how at that moment I was able to nod my head and agree.They just don,t get it do they.See we are not alone.Even when we feel like it sometimes.I am going to kick but with this beast of BC and i want to volenteer for ACS.I would love to do something to help other women going through this.Thanks everyone.Love and prayer.(Pat).

"you get a tummy tuck & a boob job all at once"... right...sign me up for that!
one of our sisters said "you can't fix stupid" ... but maybe we could try to cure ignorance

I have people tell me all about aunt so&so, or the neighbor, or somebody's sister who had my "same cancer" and they came through it just fine, and are cured now. Well, it's not my "same cancer" if they are cured. Nuff said.

Did you say thanks for making me feel better ha.You probly like me and most of us said that to your self.(Pat)

Kathi,

I was laughing through this whole post. Get your cancer over while you're still young? Right, like it would be ANY better if you were older?

The chicken pox one was what got me laughing so hard (still laughing - maybe I'm overtired).

My dad said to me...."keep your head covered when im around, I dont want to see that"....real sensitive Dad!!

This is a good one too....my aunt said "well think of all the weight you will lose"...Id rather be fat but thanks. Besides, Im not losing weight...Im gaining, LOL..

By the way I feel a heck of a lot better now that I've expressed some of my frustration with "caring people".

That is awful and comming from your dad.When I see your post I always think you are beatiful with your hair buzzed.I was going to say men are really insensitive but so are some women as we see.My sister is the worst about hurting my feelings and she has has BC>I don,t get that at all.take care.(Pat).

I didn't hear from my MIL at all from the time I found out about the cancer or through the whole 16 weeks of chemo. Not ONE time. Her excuse? She didn't want to ask the wrong question. Really? Even if she didn't care about me, she could have least cared enough about her grandchildren to see how they were. I received an email from her last month telling me that I was now a mother of leisure since the kids were back at school and was I thinking of going back to work.

I didn't answer that email.

As much as she bothers me, my story is nothing compared to some of the remarks you ladies have received. Wow.

Patti

I was told I needed a positive attitude because it was not like I had been in a car accident or lost a limb. No, I just got hit by the bc freight train and when is a breast not a body part?
On being diagnosed with my third cancer I was told I had to stop making it all about me....yss, where is my cancer stand in?
Ladydi

Ladydi,

Yes, how SELFISH of you to think of yourself just because you've been diagnosed with cancer three times. My word, just who do you think you are anyway? Important? Special? A darn nice, caring person who deserves as much respect, compassion and love as any other person? You are ALL of these things and more so it IS all about you. Who else do you know that could put up with all the junk you've had to deal with and still come out of it with such a good attitude (and great avitar picture)? I can't think of anyone.

We should all have a cancer stand in - I have yet to see mine (maybe they are on strike).

Thanks for the post. It's too bad that some people (who are suppose to be our family or friends) can't think before they speak.

Wolfi

I feel like buddrfly does toward what I think is the single absolute worst comment I've ever heard. It was posted on this board months ago -- by Calleen, I think I remember? Weigh in here, Calleen, if I'm wrong!

The woman who posted had just had her mastectomy, and was lying in her hospital bed connected to some type of medical device. A co-worker came to visit her in the hospital, pointed to the device, and said, "Oh, we're suing the manufacturer of that device -- someone died while using it."

That person should be banned from speaking to anyone, for any reason, for the rest of her life.

Traci

You are so right about that one.The worst by far.(Pat).

My soon to be ex told me chemo was no big deal and people have it all the time. He also said you didn't expect me to miss Karate this week just because you have cancer. Another thing he said right after my first round of chemo was I'm not staying home from work and losing $160 just because you don't feel good. His Mom who has never once asked how I was told my kids that they should have compassion for their father.

WOW... his mother and my mother-in-law might be friends.. that's a comment she would make. Men and people just don't get it...

E
I think it's just certain insensitive souless beings that don't get it! They are just breathing creatures, wouldn't refer to them as people! Terrible to say but it is the only way I can understand their cruelty!

Just want to chime in that we here on this board have among us some husbands and boyfriends who are incredibly supportive and work really hard to understand what we're going through.

So there are most definitely some out there, and the women in their lives are very lucky!

Mimi.. couldn't have agreed with you more about him on that one.. and as I screamed back at him I used those exact words.. and told him yes .. this is so fun.. just how I wanted to spend my year... cause you know.. we choose this diagnosis.. lol.. yea.. sometimes he can be a real insensitive ass.. like I said we didn't talk for weeks after that comment..

Hope
I just wonder if it had been his cancer if the $20,000 would have been an issue...NOT!!!

Oh, Mimi. What did you say to her? I would have burst into laughter. Maybe she thought you hadn't been wearing a bra and that she was helping to cure you. Isn't there a big study going on about not wearing bras and cancer? Okay, I made that up. Do you still have the bra? You could return it with a note that it really helped. Or better still, tell her that you have been reading about rectal cancer and you wanted to give her something that will help with prevention and then give her a pair of panties, some nice new huge white briefs. Then when she looks at you dumbfounded you can tell her it's supposed to help as*holes. Sorry about that, but that was so ridiculous of her.
And E_hope, I am so sorry that your hubby was so insensitive. Life is indeed priceless. I only hope that he has apologized over and over for this remark. Sometimes we shot our mouths off without thinking but this goes beyond that.
Ladies, It just shows that people open their mouths and stuff spews out. I know I have been guilty of talking without thinking but I am trying to do better.
Stef

Hilarious! That's a good one! :-) Loved it!
Hugz,
Cathy

I heard all the above, plus the good old "you'll be fine" . OH, "you'll be fine". How r u today Meena, "gee, i am so tired, sad..." then they cut you off "you'll be fine!". my sister loves to top my cancer diagnosis, if i complain she says the good ole "you'll be fine" and goes on to tell me all her imaginary illnesses, or she had to get up early to babysit!!! yikes.

Men aren't immune to cancer and neither are their mothers. They may someday be in similar circumstances. We probably should all feel sorry for them.

I laughed my butt off Stef--that was so funny, especially the part about giving her a large pair of underpants. I'm roaring as I write this.

Meena I dont have a sister so I know your sister and I are not related, but she does sound exactly like one of my relatives, who told me yesterday that she was nauseus, and just doesnt know why she's so tired. She also said everyone has problems, so just because everyone has problems does that diminish my cancer?? She's always got something wrong with her, and always knows someone who is going thru the same thing I'm going thru, but that person is doing just peachy. When people say "you'll be just fine", I say yeah how do you know, have you been thru this? OK-yes these crazy comments fry my lardy grits!!

That is hilarious! If I had the balls to pull that off, I would definitely give her a pair of granny underwear. A used pair with holes in it! I love it. I was too stunned to say anything to her at the time. I think I just stammered a "thank you." I threw away the bra when I got home. A used bra. Gross.

Mimi

Mimi,
Do you do secret Santa's at your work? If you did then you could rig it to get her name and give her the panties then. I love your addition of the holes and used. Too funny. I also tend to just stammer when these moments occur and then after I think of the perfect snappy retort. By the way, how did she know that this used bra was even going to fit? Oh, I have another scathingly brillant idea (from one of my fav movies). Get a used bra and decorate it like a belly dance bra with sequins and tassels, wrap it up and return it to her. Just tell her it took you awhile to figure out what she needed done with it. That should leave her speechless.
You truly win the most bizarre thing that someone has done. But it did make us all laugh, although I am sure that was not her intent.
Stef

Stef, that is soooo funny! thanks for a good belly- roller ha ha. Mimi oh, please do find a HUGE pair of white briefs for your coworker the as*hole!!!
loved it,
hugs, jackie

fauxma, I am in stitches reading this, great idea about the panties....or return of the bra...yep, lots of dumb remarks. When I was going thru my 2nd Bc dx chemo rads, I tried to go work too, I was tired often, one of my co workers told me " oh just eat liver" you will feel better. When I took off a day my boss asked my husband" when is she coming back ? She should not be wasting her mind you know." I was in banking at that time. God bless you all. LOL...em

is really insensitive. But I think he said that because he doesnt deal with illness very well. I made him apologize..then I told him he was forgiven. I dont have the energy to worry about the stupid stuff people say.

I am not sure if I should laugh at some of these, cry or be mad. Soooooooooooo, I did all of them. lol

The ONE thing that I hate the most and I hear it all of the time is "Omg, you look so good!" or, "You look great!" Like what am I suppose to look like? Death?

I hate that!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue :)

Ritzy
Ive heard that too! You look thebest you ve looked in years. You look so young and thin. Heard all of these. All I can say is Id rather have my chubby old body back! Sometimes Ijust tell people yes it is one of the perks of chemotherapy.

I know Cindy! One of the perks...lol I like your sense of humor! Some people grrrrrrrrr

Sue :)

Sue, it really helps me to hear that you hate the "you look so good" thing too....because I get that all the damn time, and no one seems to understand why it pisses me off so much!

Part of it is that mine always comes with a "but," to wit:

***Person asks me how I feel right after my surgery. I say, I'm still in a lot of pain. "But you look good!"

***Person asks me how I feel during chemo. I say, I feel like cr*p, thank you. "But you look good!"

And so on. It's like they don't really believe that I don't feel good, because, if I REALLY didn't feel good, I'd look terrible. So I must be a lying little wimp.

Traci (who looks really good! :-)

You look good, girl! Hee hee. I get what you're saying, though. People so often assume that what's on the outside is the whole story. Also, I think they are trying to say something positive and their only knowledge of cancer is the image of a pale, sick, emaciated, bald woman lying in a hospital bed.

I really have had nothing stupid said to me. Everything has been only encouragement and positive conversations. Then it dawned on me over the "but you look good!" remark, Traci. I look horrible after all I been through. But, I guess it is good that they don't point out how bad I look, but now I wish I heard THAT perticular stupid comment. They haven't said anything stupid, but by not saying anything, may have confirmed the way I feel.....worn out and put through the wringer. Sigh. ♥Pammy

I know Traci and everyone says it all of the time! I am so sick of it!

Usually, I just say thanks and smile. What else can I say? Someone said I should say " Thank you, this is the face of cancer." But, I somehow didn't find humor in it.

Sue :)

I agree with that one....you look soooo good!!!! Hate that too....
em :)

During Chemo and radiation I heard from several people the same question "What have you been doing all days long?" I tried to answer "I cook, go to the doctor, physical therapy, range of motion exercises,...'
"You are too much into your cancer. You need to do something else".

New Flower,

These are good ones. When I got back to work after surgery (after being off for a month) some people asked if I had "fun" on my time off? Yeah, fun was the word I was looking for....

The same people ask me that now when I take the day off (for dr. appointments). When I come back they ask if I did anything fun on my day off. What do they think I'm doing, having mini vacations?

And, of course, that led to me feeling guilty about being gone, so I worked too hard, and landed in the hospital with IV fluids....lesson learned...

We warriors must remember that even tho our minds may be saying 'slacker!', our bodies are fighting the most horrific battle they will ever fight....would you whip a horse who had fallen when it's pulling a load?

Hugs, Kathi

thats a good one

Chen, that's awful. I can't believe she would suggest that. I have to say though that my own MIL would also have suggested this if she thought Simon would be receptive. And she is a minister! She thinks my usefulness as a wife has been compromised now that I may not be able to have kids and am costing him money! I remember a woman here (or on another site, maybe) who had bc many years ago in her early twenties. Her fiance at the time and his family quickly abandoned her since they thought that she was on her way out. She is now alive and well and over 60. The ex-fiance has since passed away.

I don't feel so warm and fuzzy around my MIL either. Hugs to you.

Mimi

I'm speechless over that one -- you've got to be kidding me.

My "bump in the road" is 6 months so far, with several more months to go....So many people think you just go in for a little snip snip, back to work after a few days, maybe then some radiation, but that's just like getting an x-ray, right? A month or two, tops, for this cancer thing, right? >:-(

I wouldn't be able to keep myself from smacking someone who said "bump in the road" to me.

At least "Cousin Natly" and I don't hear that from "our" clueless relatives! :-)

Traci

It's more like a pothole... No, make it a sinkhole...a huge gaping maw, just waiting for me to drive into it if I'm not careful! Doesn't it make you wonder where people get their philosphies--silly-ophosies?

Hey "Cousin Traciln" our relatives dont talk about bumps in the long road we have to walk, they just tell us we'll be fine like all their friends, and then proceed to talk about their headaches, buttaches, footaches, eyeaches and whatever else. Today I told someone my hair is coming out in handfuls, the reply was a shocking really? I said yes did you think it would not fall out. Like I said earlier, it just fries my lardy grits. My good news today, if my white blood cells exceed 1.9 by Monday,and my cellulitis has improved, I get to do my 2nd a/c cocktail on Tuesday. How lucky can I get. :)

Traci it has been almost a year of "a sink hole" I like that one!!!

MAJW,

When that woman said she had to come back for her Aunt's funeral and then asked you how you were feeling it would have been funny if you could have just crumpled to the floor at her feet and lay motionless for a while. THAT may have freaked her out enough to think twice before she speaks next time.

Now that made me laugh! Funny.

It'll Take Just one more person to get all mushy on me about my positive attitude before I KICK THEM! By feeling down and depressed I am encouraging this illness?......Give me a break!
There are some total wankers out there who would never understand anything..........Sod 'Em!

Hugs jxxxxxxxxxxx

When my male co-workers ask how I'm doing and I reply with okay ... and they respond while looking at my boobs, "well you look like you're doing okay to me"

Dah I guess they're tring to figure out which one had cancer?

I've had that one after you tell someone you had a double mastectomy.. they look right at your chest.... had one woman then say... you don't look like it... okay..

That you lift your shirt to show them? I think some people do not know about reconstruction so they think that if you have had a double mastectomy you will be flat-chested. But to actually stare at your breast and then act incredulous is unbelievable! Jeez.

Mimi

There are some days at work when I'd like to just walk in there all dressed up in my work clothes but without my "padding" under my shirt. I chose to not have reconstruction and am fine with how I look (all flat and everything).

I have also noticed that when tell people I have bc they end up looking at my chest. I suppose if I told them I had a broken ankle they would look down at my foot. I feel bad for guys who have to tell people they have prostate cancer....

That's why I want the shirt that says " Yes they are fake my real ones tried to kill me"
That's where they all look as they are talking to me.
My girlfriend said when I was DX oh now you are going to have bigger ones than me and oh so perky, I can't wait to see her and show her and then see how jealous she is and if she would like to go thru this!!! I am thinking NOT!!!

Love that one! I also thought the gal who recommended watching 'The Bucket List' showed a lot of class. And it was a wonderful movie but she had wanted me to watch prior to ACT treatments so I would know what I was facing. She must be a self-appointed nurse of doom & gloom.

After he was dx'ed with colon cancer (eventually, it took his life at 57),his mom tured to his wife and said "He MUST have gotten it from you, there is none of this in OUR family!!!!"

Hugs, Kathi

Oh my, Kathi, that's awful. People get so hung up on assigning blame, it's crazy. Like anyone asked for hereditary cancer or mutated genes. My mom does this often, too. She will say that I cannot get fat because there are no overweight people in OUR family. Well, my dad could lose a few that's for sure!

Mimi

Elm, I think sometimes our mothers (and fathers) can't deal with the reality of what's going on. Remember Sam's dad asking her to wear her wig around him to spare him the sight of her bald head. So, whatever you say, they will filter that into "she's fine." That's all they are capable of hearing. My mom was like this for a while, too. She only wanted to hear good news and would get really upset if I was down or not feeling well. Then I had the added pressure of consoling HER. At one point, she started chirping that after my treatments were over I would be "back to normal." The way she would say it over and over was really annoying, with all this gusto and fake cheeriness. I finally told her to knock it off, and she has listened. She is much more responsive and sensitive now, even talking about the "new normal." Sometimes I think I created a monster. LOL. But anyway, your mom may be going through a denial phase herself and might come around later. Hope so.

Mimi

When i'm talking with someone, and i hear them start up with the familiar...."You know, my ___________(insert mother, sister, aunt, friend, brothers wife's friends co-worker) had breast cancer and....." I stop them right there..and say...please don't tell me if they had a negative outcome. I am focusing all of my energy on embracing being a survivor, and I love it!!
If they WERE getting ready to tell me a negative story....they stop...if they sort of try to continue, i repeat myself....but typically they stop....and then will actually say something positive.
I've heard SO MANY STUPID things, i decided enough was enough!!!
POWER TO THE PINK!!!
jeanne

Sorry girls, but this post is cracking me up. I'm new to all this but already have heard quite a few of these from "well-meaning" people. I think I can come up with some good responses from your stories. Right now its "Well, you look great anyway!" Most of the time its "How do you feel" before the "Well, you look great anyway". Or don't worry, "You'll be fine". So far, I just smile and say "thank you". But the day may come when I say "How do you know. Are you God or someone who knows everything?" (Does that sound nasty enough?)

Sunrae thats exactly what I thought but never said. "how do you know I'm going to be fine, I really dont want to know about your friend this is difficult enought to deal with".

The oncologist wasn't much better. I got a pat on the shoulder and told to be strong. Would love to see that little SOB take a few doses of ACT and see what would make him feel better.... Bet it would be a pat on the shoulder...........

When my primary dr called to tell me the results he said "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst". I know he was trying to be thoughtful and caring but right away I thought I was dying immediately, the way he said it. I didn't know quite how I should prepare for the worst so quickly but I thought about it for about a week. Then after I didn't die in a few days I thought "Well I prepared myself for the worst and it didn't happen so now I'm hoping for the best, which is easier than preparing for the worst, don't you think?

Here'a a happier one:

When i met my surgeon, I had to choose between a lumpectomy vs. a mastectomy. When I told him I might be leaning towards a mastectomy he said, "Well you do have small breasts. You could have an augmentation if you go that route!)

Really?! I always thought my breasts were perfect for my frame...a B or C is considered small now days?

Gotta love it!

Well, Token Cancer Girl, perhaps there's a connection: Perhaps your oh-so-caring "friend" was wanting you to come to her boutique to try to outfit you to "help" you hide your pitifully "small" breasts? :-)

I say that anyone on chemo should use it as an excuse (when it's true, as in your case...or even when it's not) to get out of ANYTHING that doesn't feel right for us, or that we just plain don't want to do!

Liz, you talked on another thread about focusing on friends who help you feel positive or make you laugh, and enjoying time with your kids -- I truly think you're setting a great example for all the other Chemo Chicks!

Traci

Well, Lovely Ladies, I have gained quite an education reading through all of these posts--hopefully it will help me cope with such comments that are sure to be in my future! I'm thinking of compiling them in a document (anonymously, of course) and printing them out to give to people when they say something stupid . . . "Here, you might want to read this so you'll know what NOT to say next time you see me!"

Sheesh.

I have to admit that so far _I_ am the one telling everyone that I am going to be fine. I am working on maintaining a positive attitude. However, I haven't been through chemo yet, and I can see that I probably won't feel like telling people I'm going to be fine during those weeks-months . . . and clearly, _hearing_ "You're going to be fine," is going to be irritating, so I am soooo glad I read all these comments!

I like the suggestion (sorry, I've lost track of all the posters' names) to stop someone who begins to tell a story about someone else who got cancer and tell them not to tell you of a negative outcome. That's really smart. This all reminds me of the horror stories some women would share about childbirth with a woman who is pregnant for the first time . . . DON'T!!!

I have to add that I also don't like to hear, "Oh, how awful! I'm so sorry!" (in tones of utter doom, as if it's the end of the world) when I tell them I've been dx'd with BC.

I'd really rather people would just say, "I don't know what to say." Then I could tell them what I want to hear from them; guess I'd better tell them, "At least today! I don't know what I'll want to hear in xx weeks!"

At some of the stupid things people say to us......I love the "token cancer friend" thing...For some bizzare reason when I read Traci's response......"well token cancer girl" I Absolutely laughed my butt off and I am still laughing........I think I am going to use that line on a few people......"I'm your token bc cancer friend! Care to join me in a trip down memory lane, since you think this is just a bump in the road for me?"

My best friend who is fighting brain cancer, went to a support group lead by a BC survivor RN.....she told them to use their cancer for a life time of "Oh I can't do that, I had cancer"......Oh, no, I can't possibly do that, I had cancer...." She said she'd be in trouble if someone asked how long ago.....as it had been 16 years...... But she told the group, cancer sucks.........and we DESERVE to use it to help us avoid things we didn't want to do.....best excuse in the world!

I have to say, when I read Traci's response I was laughing out loud! Apparently, I have an incredible coping mechanism in place. I should mention that my surgeon in overtly gay so I figured regarding the "small breast" comment, really what does HE know?!?!?!??!?!?!?

Thanks for the rest of your post. That made me feel good. :-)

Liz

Are we a little more testy during this time? I think I am, and due to fatigue and all the other extra additions which accompany this treatment, I find myself not overlooking and feeling more irritable with comments made by others. There was a time when I'd just say, what the heck and let it go, but now I'm saying, "what the heck are you saying". A friend started 3rd degreeing me about my white counts, and I simply said, I dont have the energy to answer your questions, lets talk about something else. I said to my husband, "what does she think she is, a doctor?", and he roared and so did I.

If that option comes up when its time for me to make my decision, I hope I'll remember to ask for a discount on the second one. Who would'a thought of that, and only 15 minutes more. What a deal!!! LOL (Think this might qualify as one of the top ten most stupid things). I'm definitely writing these all down. Thanks for making me laugh!

...but I'd really rather have a free set of Ginsu knives, or maybe 2 Chia Pets for the price of one if you call your surgeon in the next 10 minutes....

"This second breast, ladies and gentlemen, is a special offer not available in stores, so call now!"

:-) Traci

My sister told her 20-year-old son that I was going to be having a bilateral mastectomy and he kept saying, "what?" And then he told her he thought she said a VASECTOMY, and he couldn't understand why his AUNT was going to have a vasectomy. My sister and I had a good laugh over that one.

I can't believe all of these stories ... what are these people thinking?

By the way ... how do you bump a thread?

Gloria, you just reply to the thread and it will move to the top of the list. These are funny, aren't they? You have to have a sense of humor to get through the treatments and all the stupid comments. Take care.

I agree, they are funny.

Kids are usually the ones to say the darnedest things because they are so young and innocent, they haven't experienced life yet to know any better. I think that people who are placed in an unfamiliar/uncomfortable situation are guilty of that as well. They haven;t experience cancer (or whatever eh situation) and speak before they think. I'm sure most of them kick themselves for it later (I've been guilty of that myself). But I guess that's all part of life. We learn from our own and each others experiences so it is best if we can just laugh it off most of the time. Being bitter won't do any good anyway.

Keep the stories coming : )

I have dealt with you look good, to arent you over that yet? someone didi nt invite me to their wedding because they had "it" in their family and they were frightend and guilty because they were so happy. I did post earlier on what the jeweler said. Which I though was hysterical "Well lookks like youve been going through some crap" My SIL did say she wondered if I know how lucky I was because I was in abetter position than the cancer pts she drew blood on. This was after, mastectomy, reconstruction, 6 months of chemo , local recurrance radiation. 2 samll children to care for etc... that was 15 years ago I dont know what she says now, i dont bother to talk to her. I am sending my avatar to chemo this thurs do you think they will notice??????

Last week went in for chemo with my husband and daughter. I have not had a good time of it withthe bumm issues that persist etcc.... He saw me in the waiting room and said what number is this? I said 8 he said boy that went fast. My daughter said you should have seen your face. i just said not for me!!!! grrrr

All I can say is that since I had my own double mastectomy, I wondered what they did with them. WELL, apparently they have been cast out into the world to become all the "BOOBS" that you all are talking about!

I found my lump on a Wednesday morning while getting ready for work. Because of my hetic schedule I forgot to schedule my mamogram the month before. After insisting to the hubby that he had to feel the lump too we decided I would call the doctor when I got to work. I was able to get into see the Nurse Practicitioner (Dr. was too booked) and told her I needed an order to get the mamo done that day. She felt the lump and went through my history while writing the paperwork. Then she turned and asked 'Are you still smoking?' My answer was yes (why lie right?) and out of her mouth came the following: "Well, it's your cancer die any way you want". At that point I told her it was none of her f'n business what I died of and to give me the order for the mamo. I marched out of the office with a totally new outlook on the journey I was about to begin. After the dx came in positive, I called my doctor and told her what an uncaring piece of work she hired to assist her with her patients. I asked for my records, told her I would not be back and that I would pass on the bill for the appointment. I never heard from her again. She didn't dare send a bill either! Can you imagine her beside manner if this is what she says when you ask for a test order? Good golly she must have flunked the kindness course in college!

Someone should really put some of these together in a book, I was laughing so hard I forgot
how lousy I felt this morning, Thanks so much for sharing!!!

ty I 'm glad you had the wherewith all do answer and do something about it!!!! i would have thught later about what ishould have said or done.!

even all of those comments were not intensional they were very stupid

I am so amazed at the comments people say. This is a great post and was fun reading! I had been going to chemo by myself for a few times when, my "friend" decided to "be there for me" and take me to one. I get hooked up to the IV, my "friend" gets a phone call, says to me, "I have to go, he wants me". She gets up and says "It is not all about you, you know". Of course "he" was her "married" lover! The nurses were open mouthed! I have also had many "how are you's" and when I started to tell them, Got cut off, and they told me about their various health problems, or other peoples'deaths from cancer. Even my own mother told me that I was a hypochondriac and will be fine. UMMM OK!!! Sweet huh? LOL! Carlie

I have heard so many stupid comments that are too many to post & I've only been diagnosed for 2 1/2 months. The first one is from one of my coworkers who is also a nurse right after my hair fell out. ( Everyone knew that I was depressed about this happening)" Dawne, I just have to ask, are you bald under that hat, no I mean really is it smooth like a babies butt". I swear to you I just looked at her like she was on crack & said " yep it's as smooth as a babies butt, and are you really that stupid, no I mean really are you that stupid".

The other one that truly stands out is from my director: " so let me see your head". I grabbed my hat and again looked at someone like they were on crack. No need for words on this one, my look said it all!

I love the " you look good, if I didn't know that you had cancer I would never guess". Well just how in the blue hell am I supposed to look????? I get myself out of bed everyday even if I don't feel like it and put on my makeup so I will look a little normal. People please!!!!!

Oh and if I hear one more story about aunt Betsy, or my BFF, or even Joe blow down the road who had cancer and they did just fine so you will too, I promise you I will explode. I actually told someone " oh I'm so glad your a psychic, I should have had you around before I was diagnosed so that you could have told me that I was going to get a RARE, AGGRESSIVE cancer, thanks for telling me that I'm going to be ok".

Oh and one of the best ones besides the bald head one is this one. "Well, I know your already a great nurse, but going through this will make you a stronger nurse". All I could say was "really". I just couldn't believe it!

Hugs to ya'll

Dawne

Too a few people I have said , "YOU know cancer is cureable but stupidity isn't." I too got tired of being told how good I looked when I knew I didn't. I ran in to one of my cousins (male) and he asked how I was doing and I said doing good. Bless his heart he said, "Really? You look like crap." Of course he was horrified and kept apologising but I thanked him for his honesty.

I went back to work after my mastectomy and one of my co-workers (young girl) said, "So um how are you making out with ya know your cancer?" All I could do was laugh. She was so sweet and innocent. It was just really funny!

Amy

It is amazing what some people say. As most of us I have gotten well you look good, well thank you.......I guess. The one that stands out most was "Has your hair always been that curly?" Me "no" Well some women have to pay to get their hair like that. I though to my self I really would rather have simply gone to the beautician and paid for a perm but the dx, surgery, chemo and rads just made it so much more interesting! I did pay!! In more ways than one! God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice

is still my son's friend's mother who after I told her my dx, immediately told me about her best friend in college who died of breast cancer at 28!

She was so embarassed she then said "but my sister in law also had it, and she's doing great!"

The upside is she's been so nice since then and gives my son a lot of rides to events, I think in part because she still feels bad about her comment!

"Your hair will grow back" - yes, but my breasts won't.

and the ever perky "You look great"!

why you'd say that - Cancer is not cureable at this time! The best we can get is NED.

you are right but I kept my comment simple since the person I was talking to was simple

you are right but I kept my comment simple since the person I was talking to was simple

My totally crazy EX sister in law actually told me I got breast cancer because I need to be more forgiving. That I had some issues in my past that I need to forgive someone for and my cancer would be gone! And she invited me to some "preacher" who could heal me. I believe in God but I do not believe he give powers to quacks to heal people. They only want our money!

All I can say is wow...mouth still opened