OK.....First step.....HELP!

tasha_111
tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I have an appointment to view the apartment tomorrow morning. This is the first step out of this abusive relationship. Now what do I do?... sorry to be such a wuss here... (Yeah Noel, Kick up the arse needed LOL) But he has been working on me for the past 2 weeks......He reckons he can change (Yes, He sure did!) hes back on his meds (After 2 1/2 years?..WOW), He doesn't need to be as physically active in the bedroom (WHAT?... and I put up with all that for years?)...he was wrong to treat me like he did..(Tell me about it!) I know NONE of this will actually happen, if it does it'll be temporary.....not good enough.
Anyway, I will be at my appointment tomorrow. If it's a drug infested crack-house, i guess I stay for a while or move in with Cheryl.....This is so confusing.

My head is spinning!

Thanks for listening......someone kick me into touch please, (Noel?) I feel like I'm sitting on the fence here, I need to be over the other side...
Thanks for listening to my latest vent.......Hugs Jxxxxxxxx
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Comments

  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    #2
    Tash
    good for you for taking the first step!! I'm proud of you!You can do this!
    Just picture all of us cheering you on. You will not believe what a weight it will be off your shoulders and the freedom you will feel! And don't listen to HIM! Get yourself a new phone number and don't even let him know what your new address is when you get it!
    And if you don't like the thought of being alone,find a good roommate!
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #3
    Yes it is the 1st step. The
    Yes it is the 1st step. The second step is to rent it. ( unless its unsafe ) You will enjoy your life when the sorrow is gone.
    Hugs Your friend Kathy
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #4
    Kat11 said:

    Yes it is the 1st step. The
    Yes it is the 1st step. The second step is to rent it. ( unless its unsafe ) You will enjoy your life when the sorrow is gone.
    Hugs Your friend Kathy

    Thank you Both
    I just need some bolstering up at the moment! And you did it.....Thanks so much, I am such a sap! LOL Hugs Jxxxxxxxxx
  • chickad52
    chickad52 Member Posts: 497
    #5
    GOOD FOR YOU
    Good for you in taking the first step. Good Luck to you and lots of prayers also!!
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #6
    Lean Your Arse This way!
    Sweetie, here's the lowdown~ you need to move and take this step for YOU, and if he is indeed changing, he needs to do that for HIM. And if, if, if, he actually becomes the good man, the man who is a non-abuser, and is staying on his meds, and is physically and emotionally healthy, then, and only then can he even THINK about "courting" you. Not picking up where you left off, but actually deserving to have the honor of your company. And not one minute before.

    Someone wisely once said to me that although we can be motivated by negative things, they are not as long lasting as the motivation we get from love. We may be afraid of being alone, we may be afraid of being abused, we may be afraid of making waves, etc etc etc. And we make decisions oftentimes based on that. Generally, those concessions don't bring us lasting happiness. Why? Because they go against what is truly good, even if sometimes, they seem the easier road to take.

    But you, dear Tash have felt the love in here, and hopefully know that you are worthy, and that you can love yourself first and foremost. Go with that, and if you need that arse kicked now and agian, know it is because we LOVE you and want all things good for you. Even if the road is unknown and scary. Because the journey may not be the best part, but the destination is going to be amazing!!!

    Hold fast!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177
    #7
    New Pad
    tasha, I am so cheering for you. I can only imagine how difficult this must be.
    I am sending you every bit of strength I can muster & every gentle kick you need.

    ...We'll all be here waiting when you send out your housewarming party invitation!!!

    Prayers,
    KC
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #8
    chenheart said:

    Lean Your Arse This way!
    Sweetie, here's the lowdown~ you need to move and take this step for YOU, and if he is indeed changing, he needs to do that for HIM. And if, if, if, he actually becomes the good man, the man who is a non-abuser, and is staying on his meds, and is physically and emotionally healthy, then, and only then can he even THINK about "courting" you. Not picking up where you left off, but actually deserving to have the honor of your company. And not one minute before.

    Someone wisely once said to me that although we can be motivated by negative things, they are not as long lasting as the motivation we get from love. We may be afraid of being alone, we may be afraid of being abused, we may be afraid of making waves, etc etc etc. And we make decisions oftentimes based on that. Generally, those concessions don't bring us lasting happiness. Why? Because they go against what is truly good, even if sometimes, they seem the easier road to take.

    But you, dear Tash have felt the love in here, and hopefully know that you are worthy, and that you can love yourself first and foremost. Go with that, and if you need that arse kicked now and agian, know it is because we LOVE you and want all things good for you. Even if the road is unknown and scary. Because the journey may not be the best part, but the destination is going to be amazing!!!

    Hold fast!

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Claudia
    Thank you.........You said exactly what the lady from the refuge said today.........If he's going to change... 'FINE' but you don't need to sit around to wait for it to happen.....

    Every message I get is making me stronger, I've lapsed a bit being here with him chipping away at my resolve......

    Thank you all

    Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #9
    faithandprayer said:

    New Pad
    tasha, I am so cheering for you. I can only imagine how difficult this must be.
    I am sending you every bit of strength I can muster & every gentle kick you need.

    ...We'll all be here waiting when you send out your housewarming party invitation!!!

    Prayers,
    KC

    KC
    Thank you Hun! It means a hell of a lot right now........Hugs Jxxxxxxxxx
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    #10
    tasha_111 said:

    Claudia
    Thank you.........You said exactly what the lady from the refuge said today.........If he's going to change... 'FINE' but you don't need to sit around to wait for it to happen.....

    Every message I get is making me stronger, I've lapsed a bit being here with him chipping away at my resolve......

    Thank you all

    Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    We all
    love you and care about you Tash!
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    #11
    tasha_111 said:

    KC
    Thank you Hun! It means a hell of a lot right now........Hugs Jxxxxxxxxx

    Julia
    You already took a big step by kicking him out and now you need to take a few more steps--one step getting a place of your own where you are safe another step to get him to stay out of your life. He maybe on meds now but how long will that last--you don't need that kind of abuse.

    You need a loving relationship--it might not be now but in the future--that is what you deserve.

    Hugs to you,
    Margo
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #12
    tommaseena said:

    Julia
    You already took a big step by kicking him out and now you need to take a few more steps--one step getting a place of your own where you are safe another step to get him to stay out of your life. He maybe on meds now but how long will that last--you don't need that kind of abuse.

    You need a loving relationship--it might not be now but in the future--that is what you deserve.

    Hugs to you,
    Margo

    Margo
    Hugs to you........I am wondering if such a thing is possible........Today I went into a supermarket, and this lovely old guy (70+) was in the queue, he said,,,,, : "Hey, you go first, I ain't in no hurry"........Anyway I got chatting to him..........His wife died 6 YEARS AGO! and he misses her like hell.........what did that tell me about my situation?...LOL,,,,,NOT!

    Thank you all for your support, I think I'm going to need a lot of propping up to get through this stuff.............. Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    #13
    tasha_111 said:

    Margo
    Hugs to you........I am wondering if such a thing is possible........Today I went into a supermarket, and this lovely old guy (70+) was in the queue, he said,,,,, : "Hey, you go first, I ain't in no hurry"........Anyway I got chatting to him..........His wife died 6 YEARS AGO! and he misses her like hell.........what did that tell me about my situation?...LOL,,,,,NOT!

    Thank you all for your support, I think I'm going to need a lot of propping up to get through this stuff.............. Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Julia
    If I can do it and raise a 6 year old then you can do it--I have faith in yourself--because the rest of us do.

    Hugs,
    Margo
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #14
    tommaseena said:

    Julia
    If I can do it and raise a 6 year old then you can do it--I have faith in yourself--because the rest of us do.

    Hugs,
    Margo

    Margo
    You have always been a strength to me.........Thank you yet again......Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177
    #15
    Ironic
    ...I'm also thinking he's probably really jealous with your new life, you enjoying yourself, your weekend getaway, etc. If so, (of course) jealousy is not love, it's just another form of control. I think that could mean...he hasn't changed anything except maybe tactic & with a "softer" approach!

    Visualize yourself back: 6 months from now and you're in a disagreement. Somehow, the words "what are you going to do about it, leave (na-na-na-na)" are what come to mind for me. Ick. Even more control.

    Keep visualizing that new place & your new life!!!
    KC
  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
    #16
    See my lil kitty dancing
    It is really getting ready to KICK TASHA IN THE ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on girl, you can do it. He won't change and you know it. You deserve sooooooooooo much better and you know that too! You have so much to offer someone Julia, and, you will get that back in someone else, just not him.

    OK? NEED A BIGGER KICK IN THE ARSE OR WAS THAT ENOUGH?

    love ya, noel
  • ladybug22
    ladybug22 Member Posts: 646
    #17
    tasha
    we want you to be happy and everyone here loves you . strong yoou are
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #18
    tasha_111 said:

    Margo
    You have always been a strength to me.........Thank you yet again......Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxx

    I know you can do this. If
    I know you can do this. If he changes, then good for him. But don't even think about taking him back. Talk is cheap and his patterns are a lifetime in developing and they will not change just because he says they will, meds or not. Look at the apartment, if it is a safe place, take the apartment, decorate the apartment, live your life for you and only you for a bit. Independence can be a wonderful thing. Then when you are all strong again and feeling confident and self assured, take the chance on meeting someone NEW, someone special, someone who will value you like we do. I did that see saw thing, it ain't pretty and it don't work. I love you Tasha and I want you happy and successful and most of all safe.
    We are all here for you and we all know you can do this. Hell, you beat cancer, this is just a little bump in the road.
    Stef
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #19
    Noel said:

    See my lil kitty dancing
    It is really getting ready to KICK TASHA IN THE ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on girl, you can do it. He won't change and you know it. You deserve sooooooooooo much better and you know that too! You have so much to offer someone Julia, and, you will get that back in someone else, just not him.

    OK? NEED A BIGGER KICK IN THE ARSE OR WAS THAT ENOUGH?

    love ya, noel

    It does look like your
    It does look like your little kitty is winding up for the kick to the arse. I feel just the same as you. What she has to offer should go to someone who will treasure it and treasure her. She does not need that leopard in her life.
    Stef
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    #20
    Noel said:

    See my lil kitty dancing
    It is really getting ready to KICK TASHA IN THE ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on girl, you can do it. He won't change and you know it. You deserve sooooooooooo much better and you know that too! You have so much to offer someone Julia, and, you will get that back in someone else, just not him.

    OK? NEED A BIGGER KICK IN THE ARSE OR WAS THAT ENOUGH?

    love ya, noel

    Go, Kitty, Go
    Girl,

    "You can do it"!!! I am sorry. I watched my mother endure not one but two abusive relationships. Both of these you-know-whats not only cut her down and devalued her, but they each hurt her physically on top of all the verbal abuse. They both said they were sorry; they didn't mean it; they would never do it again; and they would make it up to her. That lasted for about a couple of weeks and then they were back to their usual abusive selves. An abuser never changes, they just change tactics and strategy. The only way they could change is if they had electric shock therapy or some other mind altering procedure.

    Don't get me wrong, I am not a man hater. I love men. I just love them a lot less when they are hurting me and making me feel bad about myself. I would much rather be by myself than endure any needless torture and heartache. If you are lonely; get a dog. The dog will always love you and protect you.

    Love will come after you have settled into your new life and rid yourself of him.

    P
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #21
    An old adage........
    A leopard doesn't change his spots.

    He won't change. He can't change. He can pretend for a few days or weeks. But he will always be the same.

    Hugs,

    CR

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