Another Update since I went to CTCA Atlanta

Oh and I go back the 29th for another MRI and an appointment with the nutritionist and more bloodwork. If this MRI shows it's invading the uterine wall I'm sure she's going to say it's time for the hysterectomy. But we will know the results of the MRI that same day I'm thinking.

I go back the 29th of this month. I just found out Dr. Garg won't be in the office that day but she is going to call as soon as she reviews the MRI. In a way I'm ready to just get the hysterectomy and be done with it so I can get through one more surgery, go through the long recovery and just get back to my life. I need to get back to work and if I continue this current treatment that's going to be surgery every 3 months and at some point I'm going to have to have the hysterectomy anyway. I would have given anything though to have at least one baby :( I am giving up hope on that dream. I have so many worries about the future, my marriage, our financial strain due to me not working right now because appointments have been about every 2 weeks. No employer is going to hire someone who needs that much time off.

Me and my brother got into another heated argument because my dad asked to get help using the bathroom. He uses a urinal and my brother got very hateful and disrespectful towards him and was getting rough with dad. My mom can barely even walk due to her herniated disc and dad doesn't want me to help with certain things, which is understandable. But I could not hold my tongue tonight and told my brother he needed to watch how he treated dad and he needed to drop the attitude. My brother ended up cussing me out, threatened to put all my stuff outside and set it on fire. He's made it clear he doesn't want me here and says my parent's house is his and he told me to go back to my house the last time we fought.

Tonight he told me I wasn't doing enough to help. Mind you I'm the ONLY one who goes and gets their prescriptions, goes to the store nearly every day. The same store that's 2 miles down the road that he can't be bothered to drive to when they need something. I also do their laundry, sweep, mop, do the dishes, etc. Feed their cats, their chickens. Every. Day. Even after I had my last D&C and I was still in pain and hurt to bend over,etc. But I'm the one not doing enough. The only thing my brother does is feed their dogs and he helps dad use the urinal and he helps get him from his recliner to the wheelchair a few times a day. Other than that he's playing video games.

All my life he has been disrespectful and hateful towards them and they've let him get away with it. If I say anything I'm the one who gets told to shut up so I'm done. I don't care if my house has no heat whatsoever, mold in the kitchen, and holes in the floors and walls. I'd be happier away from all this.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't think I can take much more.

Second MRI results from December 29 showed some more worrisome things. I have not heard from my doctor yet, just read my chart. It did say my tumor has doubled in size so I know what that means....hysterectomy. It still says less than 50% involvement with myometrium but I also had an abdominal scan done and it said my left adrenal gland had nodular thickening, I have several cysts on my liver and small cysts in my right kidney, and diverticulosis. It also found several scattered hemangiomas in sacrum and within the lumbar spine. Both ovaries have small follicular cysts.

So I read my chart Saturday so I've had all this time to research and worry. I did find that the enlarged adrenal gland is responsible for excreting excess cortisol, and those symptoms are very much what I've experienced since being diagnosed with PCOS. So I'm wondering if the adrenal gland was the issue all along and now I wonder if I'm going to need a biopsy on that to see if that's cancerous too.

To say I am a depressed mess would be the understatement. I am so sick of doctor appointments and still absolutely resent having to lose my uterus and every single hope of having a baby. My husband is fantastic and says he would love to have a baby but would rather have me for the rest of our lives and he will be with me every step of this awful journey. I have good days then days like when I get test results and it's more bad news sets me back.

Yesterday was a very bad day. I had my Telehealth appointment and she did say she recommends a hysterectomy at this point. She said if the cancer hasn't gone into the wall of the uterus I get to keep my ovaries, but I also know from researching that it's a matter of time before they die since they get blood supply from the uterus. So what's the point? Freezing eggs and doing the surrogate route is far more expensive than we can ever afford.

The center isn't allowing anyone in with patients, and my husband won't even be allowed to see me in my room afterwards. I hate that. The doctor said a lot of young patients are usually released after about 6 hours and if there are no problems I won't have to stay overnight.

I have to go back in a week or two to meet with the urologist there because my left adrenal gland has some nodular thickening and if it needs anything done surgically they can do that at the same time I'm in for my hysterectomy so I'm worried about that coming back as cancer. I am just so absolutely beaten down, angry, hating this pandemic and hating losing my uterus and grieving the loss of a baby I'll never have. Tentative surgery date is Feb 8 and I told her I was not wanting to do it if my husband couldn't come in, so I might have a few weeks of waiting time but she doesn't want to wait much longer.

My tumor doubled in size since August 19 when I had my first MRI.

I'm tired of going to doctor appointments every 2 or 3 weeks, getting blood drawn, needles, IVs, MRIs. I'm still experiencing soreness when I do certain things from my last D&C 5 weeks ago. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to recover and still take care of my dogs and my parents. Not driving is not an option. My husband is already planning on talking to his boss to see if there's local driving jobs he can do so he's going to try to be home daily. I would go see a therapist if we could afford the payment. When we have doctor appointments he doesn't usually get a chance to haul a load so we don't get a check and we are so far behind we can't save anything. It feels like I'm trying to walk uphill and everything just slides downhill and I don't go anywhere.

Ovarian Failure following a hysterectomy (menopausehysterectomy.com)

This is one article I found.

It doesn't really feel like I have any options so I'm going forward with the stupid surgery. I'm just hoping this omicron surge is over by then and they let people in because I do not want to stay overnight. I still haven't gotten my appointment with the urologist but I hope that my adrenal gland isn't cancerous too. I'm beyond sick of doctors and appointments and at the end of February I have to see my regular doctor to get my A1C checked, which I could not care less about now. I'm just ready for it to be done so maybe I can relax a little. This stress, worry, and anxiety is really affecting me. My hair is falling out, I can't sleep through the night, and if I do sleep halfway decent I have horrible dreams. Nights are better when he's home.

I'm going to see if they can set up the urologist appointment either Monday or Friday so he doesn't miss an entire week's worth of work because we are so far in the hole I don't know how we are going to pay our bills. I'm trying to find work as a freelance writer because I can type as I heal so I will contribute something.