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Funny Bonz IV

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised, that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying, for example:

The hairdryer;

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

 

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Djinnie
Posts: 761
Joined: Apr 2013

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to"

God said, " Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense"

Adam asked, " what will this woman cost?"

God said, " An arm and a leg "

Adam said, " What can I get for just a rib?"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

1.2275528375@web126101.mail.ne1.yahoo.com

 

Djinnie's picture
Djinnie
Posts: 761
Joined: Apr 2013

There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay!, God will save me!. The flood got higher and higher and a boat came, and a man said, " Come on mate, get in! " .. "No!" replied the man, " God will save me! " The flood got very high and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came, and a man offered him help," "No!, God will save me!" he said.... Eventually, he died by drowning.... He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God, " Why didn't you save me?"....God replied " For goodness sake!! I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want!! 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall, parking lots, etc.  But this is the first warning I have seen for men, and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. Last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going to get supplies turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th... Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.  (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

Tongue Out

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1136
Joined: Jan 2013

An Oldie but a goodie... for guys, that is...!!!  :)

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He

gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.

 

You're just like Frank."

 

 

 

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
 
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
 
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she
was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank before he died.  I just married
his widow..."

 

 

 

aditya_fighter
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2012

The Ambidextrous Golfer.....

A group of guys  lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to  another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A  new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf  round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I  was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them  wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it  would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 am

He figured the early tee-time would discourage  her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15  minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said,  "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 am"

She showed up at 6:30 am sharp, and beat all three of them  with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and  the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and  invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 am or 6:45 am"

The  next week she again showed up at 6:30 am sharp. Only this time, she played  left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an  even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally  amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant  and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again,  but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her..

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But  this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week  the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to  petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so  complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. 

Back in  the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a  riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one  of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf  right-handed or left-handed?" 

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.  "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to  switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my  husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.  Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers  off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed  right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what  if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then,  I'm fifteen minutes late."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers,
saying that they don't care about or respect others.
Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the
small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who reported
finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening
in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until this family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,
a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids,
2 1/2 inch false eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt

to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas Police do care.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
 
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
 
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again,
bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!”

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Florida.”
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest 
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is 
going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come 
on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near 
the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?

'Uh...yeah!, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

 

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your 
wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

 

'No Kidding,' he said.

 'Thirty-five years old and you still believe in 
genies?'

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A former Army Ranger took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher had been an Army Ranger, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

NO...this is not an Al Gore story...

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy
young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you
have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best
price. The sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.   And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all  the goods he had at
the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that
only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over
Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were
called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,
Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon
started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

He soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

NanoSecond's picture
NanoSecond
Posts: 507
Joined: Oct 2012

But did it end when she took a bite of that APPLE?

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1457
Joined: Jan 2010

A pretty blond, recently divorced, just had a nepherectomy. While trying to find an appropriate date for her wedding, she asked her Surgeon how long do I have to wait after the surgery to do it?

 

 

 

Surgeon: I can be available in about 3 weeks, and

 

 

 

 

we can take the stitches out then.

 

 

 

 

Icemantoo.

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1136
Joined: Jan 2013

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

 

'Fred,' he replies.

 

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

 

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

 

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

 

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

 

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
[] 
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
[] 
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
[] 
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
[] 

 

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

 

[] 

 

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.(how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music
.
[] 

 

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

 

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few !

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, 
looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, 
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp 
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean, 
"He couldn't do that to you, 
he must have had something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, 
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have something in your hand?" 
That I did," said Paddy. 
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
 
********************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
is driving home from the city one night and, 
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 
"So," says the cop to the driver, 
where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," 
slurs the drunk. 
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
a few to drink this evening." 
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and 
folding his arms across his chest, 
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. 
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
 
***************************************************************************** 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, 
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya". 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. 
But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
 

is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
 
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?"
 
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, 
he got out three times to pee."
 
******************************************************************************
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after 
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. 
My husband passed away last night." 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. 
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father." 
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " 
She says, He said, 
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
 
*********************************************************
 
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
 
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, 
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his 
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, 
there's no paper on this side either!"

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I hope these show on your screens, they're funny!

Description: cid:1.4222334074@web87804.mail.ir2.yahoo.com
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Description: cid:17.4222334074@web87804.mail.ir2.yahoo.com

 

 

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Not on mine I'm afraid, Gary.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock.  You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint.   You have your old work clothes on.   You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
 
Right in the middle of these tasks, you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.
 
Depending on your age you might do the following: 
 
In your 20's: 
Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
 
And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
 
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.   Still got it!  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
 
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with. 
 
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing.  Put on a hat.  Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.   Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. 
 
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,  "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat any more.  Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
 
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick up too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there.  Got to save trips!  Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
 
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares?

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.  You go to Wal-Mart instead.  You went to school with the old lady greeter.
 
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.
 
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe?   Something for my garden?   Where am I?   Who am I?   Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?   Did you?   Who farted?

 

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donna_lee
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that I have been to the hardware store(s) in the jeans that have been splattered with a bleach solution from pressure washing the patio, my stained purple Relay t-shirt, old shoes and a straw hat with a hole in it for my pony tail.  But I don't have a dog or a ripped crotch in the pants.  But still in my 70's and who cares?  Am I on track for the aging list?

Donna

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garym
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IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA....
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC  REMARK

- "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE -  'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST  SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD  QUESTION  ABOUT MR. GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.  THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE  WAS  PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE  BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO
PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY,    "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR  WALKS ON THE MOON!"

IT BROKE THE PLACE UP.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

 

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garym
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I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. 
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few 
Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. 
I tried this a few more times with no success. 

All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, 
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. 

She opens the window and yelled to me, 
'You need a piece of tail.

 

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

garym's picture
garym
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A while back,  when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.  Shrimp cocktail. Lobster,  Patron, Champagne .

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when  you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not  expecting a bl** job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"

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garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

We had a power outage last weekend and my PC, I-Phone, TV and games console all shut down immediately.

It was raining, I couldn't golf or go fishing, so I talked to my wife for a few hours. 

She seems like a nice person.

 

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GSRon
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Joined: Jan 2013

Bail'em out..!!..??  Hell... back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch in Nevada for tax evasion, and as required by law tried to run it.  They failed and it closed.  Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry our health plans to the same nit wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey..?? What the hell are we thinking..?

From a cartoon just sent to me...

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Alexandra
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Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Sitting here in the UK, I'd say:  Absolutely, without any reservation!!!

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garym
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Had to clean this one up a bit, but you'll get the gist...

 

A woman calls her Gyno for an appointment explaining that she keeps finding Puerto Rican postage stamps in her panties.

At the appointment the doc says its one of the strangest things he has ever heard and says "Lets take a look." so into the stirrups she goes.

As he examines her the doctor suddlenly begins to laugh uncontrolably, which upsets her and she demands to know what he is laughing at.

"Well" he says, "they're not postage stamps, they're Chiquita Banana stickers."

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garym
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This morning I was beaten up by a woman. I was in an elevator when this beautiful, busty woman got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

 
Maybe I pressed them both...I don't remember much after that.
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
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GSRon
Posts: 1136
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You can tell a lot about a wonan's mood by looking at her hands.

For instance, if she is holding a gun, she is probably angry.   Cool

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garym
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The AMA has reported the following regarding the AHCA;

 

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but,
The Dermatologists  advised not to make any rash moves. 
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but.
The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. 
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a 
misconception,
While the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. 
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!",
While the
 Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" 
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
While the
 Radiologists could see right through it. 
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and
The
 Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. 
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole 
new face on the matter". 
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but,
The Urologists
 were pissed off at the whole idea. 
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and,
Those
 lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. 
In the end,
The Proctologists won out,
Leaving the entire decision
 up to the a$$holes in Washington.

 

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garym
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Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

 

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?

 

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

 

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

 

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

 

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

 

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

 

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

 

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

 

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

 

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

 

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.

 

A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, well, night.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

 

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns....

 

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

 

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

 

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!  Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.


"I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I    should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

 

Now how does that sound?"

 

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
garym's picture
garym
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A single glass  at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights  sleep.
NEW  Wine for Seniors,    I kid you not.....

 

Clare Valley  vintners in  South Australia,
which primarily produce
 
Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
 
have  developed a new hybrid grape
 
that  acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number  of trips
 
older  people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

 

The new  wine will be
marketed as

    

PINO  MORE

 

I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!! 
I  just could not help it!
 

 

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GSRon
Posts: 1136
Joined: Jan 2013

OK, those few of you from the other side of the pond will get this a bit faster than some of us Yanks...  Ron Cool

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says,
"That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each
other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are
produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."

They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire .
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.

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Alexandra
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What a stud.

Sorry, aliens.

Porn star priest.

Hard to swallow.

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donna_lee
Posts: 388
Joined: Feb 2009

At least one positive thing can be said to have come from the sixteen-day government shutdown that brought nearly all federal agencies to grinding halt.  Someone finally threw out that can of soup that's been languishing in the lunchroom refrigerator.  Yes, the federal Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) cleaned out their employees' lunchroom fridge and discovered a leftover can of Campbell;s soup that had taken up residence there since 1997. (Source: WashingtonPost.com)

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GSRon
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Joined: Jan 2013

OK.. you are warned.. laughter is apt to break out when you see this video... 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0

Ron

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donna_lee
Posts: 388
Joined: Feb 2009

T-Shirts for Sale:

7 days without a pun make one weak.

Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

Her bootlegging was illegal, but I loved her still.

Poultry in Motion.  (with chickens walking)

A tardy cannibal gets the Cold Shoulder

A backward poet writes inverse.

Never play cards in the Serengeti.  There are too many cheetahs.

I regret not developing my photographic memory.

For Lease Navidad.

Once I was a tap dancer but I fell into the sink.

Mathemeticians wear glasses because they improve division.

'Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.

When I talk about computers, I make my motherboard.

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

Dishonest golfers don't play the fairway.

That cheese doesn't belong to you.  It's nacho cheese.

My theory on inertia has no momentum.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

 

I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be     perfect.
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of  anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

My knees  look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor

Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery

I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys  fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
- John Breen, Houston Oilers

The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

The only difference between me          and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on          Sunday.
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

I          have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that          the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the          price of the seats.
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox          owner

Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

I have a  lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25  sophomores.

I think the way they have treated Lance Armstrong is just terrible. He won seven Tour DeFrance races while on drugs. I couldn't even find my bike when I was on drugs. - Willie Nelson

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down
under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife,
Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer,
Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim
didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m sharp -
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did
he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give
me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and
pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:

 

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

 

When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

 

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1198
Joined: Jul 2012

Who the hell is Gary ?
Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and his wife says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"...
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a CPA get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well,
       One, I like to watch my money grow. 
       Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
       Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
       And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Gary is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

 

 

angec's picture
angec
Posts: 616
Joined: Mar 2012

ONLY YOU, Alex can tell these jokes! It did make me laugh!  Hope you are well!

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1136
Joined: Jan 2013

This attractive woman is at the Dentist...  The Dentist says, "Wow, that tooth has got to come out.."  The woman replies.." I would rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled."  To which the Dentist answerw... "OK but I will have to adjust the chair.."..  (hope that is not a repeat..).

Ron

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1198
Joined: Jul 2012

I don't know if anyone has been following the bizzare behavior of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford including his heavy drinking, smoking crack, doing coke, sex scandals, fighting with the police, association with mafia, etc. I find him very amusing and sort of a kindred spirit.

Here's his latest "Eating Out" scandal http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4siKr6qY8w (mature themes) and his "Crazy Rant" caught on video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcPD7tzcU60 (violence, coarse language)

And for all other cities: "How to Tell if Your Mayor is Smoking Crack" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q_uLzEljo8

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