I AM SO PISSED OFF VENTING!!!!!!!!

Okay, so for those who do not remember I was a Stage 2b in May of 2009. I have been getting a blood draw every 30 days for 19 months. My CA-125 post surgery was a 10 and I bottomed out at 5 after 6 carbo/taxol treatments. So this whole 19 months my CA-125 has always been between 6 and 8. So, I get my blood draw in December and it has jumped to 10. I had just got moved to a every 90 day blood draw. Now, I am back to a blood draw every 2 weeks, so we can see if it moves up or down. If it goes down, we do nothing. If it goes up even 1 point, we do a pet scan and I have to see the guy with the knife. The surgeon. I do not want to see him. I say to the oncologist " do you have any girls that move up 2 points and then down?". He says "of course". I can hear the concern in his voice, but also mayby this is nothing. Then I say " I need you to keep me alive for 4 years, because the last child I have at home is 14". He says nothing. I am just pissed, pissed, pissed. I have nursing exams to take, I was told by disability that I am allowed to work part time and still receive disability, so I was looking for a job, and I have a cruise planned for the last week of April. I was really hoping for a longer remission. Also, I feel like a fool for thinking this was going to go away. This f****** b****** took my mother and has given me breast cancer 3 times. I don't want to depress anyone, but I just feel like throwing in the towel. The doctor says "how do you feel?" If it is back you will have some GI symptoms or bowel issues. I feel fine. The best I have felt in 2 years. So, now I am in a holding pattern again. S***!!!!. Sorry. Can you just pray that my CA-125 goes down, even 1 point would work. My next blood draw is Jan. 11,2011. And yes I have a dirty mouth when I am really mad!!!!! Thank-You, Paula