Husband deals with wifes new emotional and phyisical changes
It was just 3 months after her mother died my wife was diagnotes with stage 3 breast cancer.We never really got scared we did what we were told and stayed focused with love.Everything went well made it through all the required surgeries and treatments.At the end it was tough but she made it.
Well now 2 years after the last of it I have a wife that hates her body has no patience for her children or me.She has no desire for intimacy due to her medications and the dislike of her body.She also has fluid in her arm from the removal of the lymph nodes(she wears the sock).I have images that I think about also from helping with the drain tubes bandages and giving her shots.
This is were I get confused.Is it wrong for me to think of leaving her.Shes health today and working.I just want to be happy and Im not.I don't blame her but shes changed.We been married for 19 years now mostly good until late.We are in our mid to late 40's and I want to be happy the second half of my life.
Tell me what Im missing?
Comments
-
Please dont give up just yet
Have you discussed going to counseling with her? I want you to know that God's will is that a marriage remain. I know there are times when there is abuse that the only option is to separate. However, I always advise couples to exhaust all possibilities before heading for a divorce. This may sound trivial or crazy but have you and your wife watched the movie 'Fireproof' with Kirk Cameron?? There is also a 'love dare' book that goes along with it. You can buy the book and movie on Amazon which is probably the fastest and most inexpensive. If you have a Christian bookstore nearby, you can also get both there. It is a must see for anyone contemplating divorce. Please at this time trust God, hang in there and talk to your wife about taking these few steps of counseling and the book and movie to try and repair your marriage. If she refuses, watch the movie by yourself first and read the love dare book....there are small exercises for you to do each day for 40 days. I know it sounds crazy but it really is amazing how much of a difference it will make and the impact it will have on the way you both view your marriage. It causes you to see your marriage as precious and a covenant the way God intended for you to see it. Please don't give up just yet. Let me know how you like the movie. I hope and pray your wife will watch it with you and do the book along with you. Be blessed and I will be praying for you and your wife.
Lorrie0 -
I dont know if you have been
I dont know if you have been here before, if not welcome. Support through the battle is so important and its impossible to get through without it. So, to start off, you are a wonderful person for helping her through all this. You didnt go into surgery detail, but i had a total mastectomy and am due to get reconstruction next month. Its been over a year since my surgery and i totally hate and feel disgusted with my body. I hope that changes with the reconstruction, but with the physical and emotional impact it has on me, i really dont know. Is your wife on a hormone medicine? I am totally a moody person on mine. Not the same at all. I dont know what meds she is taking, but maybe you could help her go over them with her dr and find out which one might be giving her these side effects and maybe he can change it. Its hard to tell you because i guess it just depends on the med it is. Fighting such a big battle can have a toll on us for a long time after we finish our treatments. When some couples go through such an awful thing together, they just cant get back the same way they were. We are changed afterwards. For me, i felt like a whole new person and had been given a new chance at life. I felt blessed. You were there and took care of her and did a good job with it by what i read from your post. Have you told her how you feel about all this? You need to think about and take care of yourself to. Nobody can make that decision for you. Im sorry you are having a difficult time with this. The cancer is enough to deal with and now even though one battle was won, another is there to face. I hope it works out. I know its hard to be patient. Im sorry that its happening. But you are right, you yourself have to be happy. Sorry, my replies are always long.
take care
laura0 -
Lorrilolad said:I dont know if you have been
I dont know if you have been here before, if not welcome. Support through the battle is so important and its impossible to get through without it. So, to start off, you are a wonderful person for helping her through all this. You didnt go into surgery detail, but i had a total mastectomy and am due to get reconstruction next month. Its been over a year since my surgery and i totally hate and feel disgusted with my body. I hope that changes with the reconstruction, but with the physical and emotional impact it has on me, i really dont know. Is your wife on a hormone medicine? I am totally a moody person on mine. Not the same at all. I dont know what meds she is taking, but maybe you could help her go over them with her dr and find out which one might be giving her these side effects and maybe he can change it. Its hard to tell you because i guess it just depends on the med it is. Fighting such a big battle can have a toll on us for a long time after we finish our treatments. When some couples go through such an awful thing together, they just cant get back the same way they were. We are changed afterwards. For me, i felt like a whole new person and had been given a new chance at life. I felt blessed. You were there and took care of her and did a good job with it by what i read from your post. Have you told her how you feel about all this? You need to think about and take care of yourself to. Nobody can make that decision for you. Im sorry you are having a difficult time with this. The cancer is enough to deal with and now even though one battle was won, another is there to face. I hope it works out. I know its hard to be patient. Im sorry that its happening. But you are right, you yourself have to be happy. Sorry, my replies are always long.
take care
laura
That is the most awesome movie and he needs to definately watch it. Thanks for remembering that0 -
She is on no hormone medslolad said:I dont know if you have been
I dont know if you have been here before, if not welcome. Support through the battle is so important and its impossible to get through without it. So, to start off, you are a wonderful person for helping her through all this. You didnt go into surgery detail, but i had a total mastectomy and am due to get reconstruction next month. Its been over a year since my surgery and i totally hate and feel disgusted with my body. I hope that changes with the reconstruction, but with the physical and emotional impact it has on me, i really dont know. Is your wife on a hormone medicine? I am totally a moody person on mine. Not the same at all. I dont know what meds she is taking, but maybe you could help her go over them with her dr and find out which one might be giving her these side effects and maybe he can change it. Its hard to tell you because i guess it just depends on the med it is. Fighting such a big battle can have a toll on us for a long time after we finish our treatments. When some couples go through such an awful thing together, they just cant get back the same way they were. We are changed afterwards. For me, i felt like a whole new person and had been given a new chance at life. I felt blessed. You were there and took care of her and did a good job with it by what i read from your post. Have you told her how you feel about all this? You need to think about and take care of yourself to. Nobody can make that decision for you. Im sorry you are having a difficult time with this. The cancer is enough to deal with and now even though one battle was won, another is there to face. I hope it works out. I know its hard to be patient. Im sorry that its happening. But you are right, you yourself have to be happy. Sorry, my replies are always long.
take care
laura
She is on no hormone meds due to thats was the type of cancer.She takes what is the best for the cancer not to come back.Her implants didn't come out as good as we hoped either.Although the cancer was only on the left side they took both off.Now they have weird shapes and seem to go around under the arm pit along with a flat spot that you can see through a shirt.She doesn't want any more surgerys and I don't blame her for that.0 -
My cancer was only on theJdstuff said:She is on no hormone meds
She is on no hormone meds due to thats was the type of cancer.She takes what is the best for the cancer not to come back.Her implants didn't come out as good as we hoped either.Although the cancer was only on the left side they took both off.Now they have weird shapes and seem to go around under the arm pit along with a flat spot that you can see through a shirt.She doesn't want any more surgerys and I don't blame her for that.
My cancer was only on the left and i too had a double hysterectomy. This past february they had to remove the left tissue expander because i developed an infection and the expander was acutually exposed because the infection cause a hole on my left breast. Sorry to be graphic, but now i have one one expander on right and totally nothing on left. I have heard many stories of implants not turning out good. I dont blame her either for not wanting another surgery. But, she cant continue to hate her body to the point its effected her whole life. I wish she would seek out another surgeon and maybe visit a couple and get the problem fixed. Has she been here to this site? Maybe if she would come here, it would help her change her mind. Its awesome support and believe me, there is always someone here that can help. I pray she might reconsider and try to get to be happy with herself again.
laura0 -
My cancer was only on theJdstuff said:She is on no hormone meds
She is on no hormone meds due to thats was the type of cancer.She takes what is the best for the cancer not to come back.Her implants didn't come out as good as we hoped either.Although the cancer was only on the left side they took both off.Now they have weird shapes and seem to go around under the arm pit along with a flat spot that you can see through a shirt.She doesn't want any more surgerys and I don't blame her for that.
My cancer was only on the left and i too had a double hysterectomy. This past february they had to remove the left tissue expander because i developed an infection and the expander was acutually exposed because the infection cause a hole on my left breast. Sorry to be graphic, but now i have one one expander on right and totally nothing on left. I have heard many stories of implants not turning out good. I dont blame her either for not wanting another surgery. But, she cant continue to hate her body to the point its effected her whole life. I wish she would seek out another surgeon and maybe visit a couple and get the problem fixed. Has she been here to this site? Maybe if she would come here, it would help her change her mind. Its awesome support and believe me, there is always someone here that can help. I pray she might reconsider and try to get to be happy with herself again.
laura0 -
There is a line from the
There is a line from the Godfather that I keep repeating to myself - "You can act like a man".
You need to get your wife through this; that's your job now. You think it's over, and maybe for you it is. But it's not over for your wife. Read the comments the woman on this board make, and maybe you will get a better understanding of what your wife is going through.
You made it this far, don't give up now.0 -
I have been a trooperHubby said:There is a line from the
There is a line from the Godfather that I keep repeating to myself - "You can act like a man".
You need to get your wife through this; that's your job now. You think it's over, and maybe for you it is. But it's not over for your wife. Read the comments the woman on this board make, and maybe you will get a better understanding of what your wife is going through.
You made it this far, don't give up now.
I have been a trooper through all this and now I don't even get a birthday card.Shes a smart women and knows what shes doing.I have little influence on her anymore.So why should I stay?0 -
There are two things you canJdstuff said:I have been a trooper
I have been a trooper through all this and now I don't even get a birthday card.Shes a smart women and knows what shes doing.I have little influence on her anymore.So why should I stay?
There are two things you can do: run or deal. Do you want to be the guy that ran away from the problem? You two will need more help than you can get on this board, and I hope that you get some proffesional counseling, but you showed up here on this message board because deep inside you want to stay, not leave.
Do everything you can do to work it out.0 -
JDHubby said:There are two things you can
There are two things you can do: run or deal. Do you want to be the guy that ran away from the problem? You two will need more help than you can get on this board, and I hope that you get some proffesional counseling, but you showed up here on this message board because deep inside you want to stay, not leave.
Do everything you can do to work it out.
Would you truely be happy if you left. You may leave a set of problems behind, but leaving divorcing brings a new set of problems. And if you get involved with someone else there's new issues and problems to face. No relationship is exempt.
Best wishes to you and wife in whatever choice you make.0 -
Lorrie I'll have to watchBalentine said:Please dont give up just yet
Have you discussed going to counseling with her? I want you to know that God's will is that a marriage remain. I know there are times when there is abuse that the only option is to separate. However, I always advise couples to exhaust all possibilities before heading for a divorce. This may sound trivial or crazy but have you and your wife watched the movie 'Fireproof' with Kirk Cameron?? There is also a 'love dare' book that goes along with it. You can buy the book and movie on Amazon which is probably the fastest and most inexpensive. If you have a Christian bookstore nearby, you can also get both there. It is a must see for anyone contemplating divorce. Please at this time trust God, hang in there and talk to your wife about taking these few steps of counseling and the book and movie to try and repair your marriage. If she refuses, watch the movie by yourself first and read the love dare book....there are small exercises for you to do each day for 40 days. I know it sounds crazy but it really is amazing how much of a difference it will make and the impact it will have on the way you both view your marriage. It causes you to see your marriage as precious and a covenant the way God intended for you to see it. Please don't give up just yet. Let me know how you like the movie. I hope and pray your wife will watch it with you and do the book along with you. Be blessed and I will be praying for you and your wife.
Lorrie
Lorrie I'll have to watch the movie and take a look at the love dare book. Thanks might help me.0 -
Ok....I am coming from theJdstuff said:I have been a trooper
I have been a trooper through all this and now I don't even get a birthday card.Shes a smart women and knows what shes doing.I have little influence on her anymore.So why should I stay?
Ok....I am coming from the other side of this equasion! I do not know what your relationship was BEFORE cancer came to call, all I can go by is what my life was like! I was in what I call my "starter-marriage"...I was married for almost 27 YEARS! I realized when I turned 50, that things were stagnant, that longevity equaled complacency, and that frightening as it was, if I didn't leave and find ME and be a viable, productive human being, suddenly I would be 70. In the same place, with the same man, doing the same things. And it would be too late to leave. The thought of that scared me more than the thought of leaving at that age . I needed to go~ for both of us. We talked, we discussed, we cried, we counseled. We were incredibly active in our religion~ at the end of the proverbial day, none of that mattered as far as I was concerned. We had become strangers with no intimacy, no communication, staying together for, in MY opinion the wrong reason. The reason? Neither of us had been physically unfaithful to the other , and the religion I was incredibly active in saw no other reason to end a marriage. I left anyway. Staying together because a strict religion dictated that I was obligated to was not a good reason at all. To Me, anyway! But that is only how I felt. I am not advocating how anyone else should feel or react in a similar situation.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years after I left. I had been casually dating a nice man I met. Nothing uber-serious, just company and nice to be with. Then, shockingly, I was diagnosed with BC at 53! He not only stayed with me, he took care of me and ( sadly) 7 years later, just a little over 2 weeks ago, I was just diagnosed with a recurrance. We are still together, and just got married 31/2 weeks ago! My Ex, though a health care professional, would never have taken care of me the way I have been taken care of by my now husband ; after a 27 year union I know that 100%.
I am not saying you should leave. I am not saying you should stay. What I am saying is this: Each of you owes the other one an honest conversation. What does each of you want? What does each of you expect? What is each of you willing to do? I have no idea what the answers to those questions may be. Perhaps each of you has more to lose, and both of you wants to fight to keep what was in tact and make it even better. Maybe a good fight, (NOT physical!) coupled with a good cry and a declaration of love, meant by BOTH of you is what is needed. On the other hand, maybe not. I don't know. I know that my then- husband did not need or deserve a room-mate..and that is what he eventually ended up having with me. Separate bedrooms, separate lives, no imtimacy, REGARDLESS of our relationship with our Creator and our church/congregation. We ended up being ultra polite and the best tenants ever...how unfullfilling! Both physically, but of course emotionally and spiritually as well. He would have been better off with a stranger who paid rent or even a dog who would have been happy he came home at the end of the day. I was neither of those, and I was as miserable as he was.
Marriages and relationships end. With cancer, without cancer. I think both of you need and deserve a life of happiness, companionship, sexual fullfillment, emotional and intellectual stimulation. If the 2 of you have 9 out of 10 of those, and can work on re-capturing the 10th, or being fine without whatever number 10 in your lives is,good on you! If you didn't have that BEFORE cancer, and you are staying out of anger coupled with guilt, I say neither of you needs this! Your wife who has battled doesn't need it for sure, but neither do you.
TALK to your wife! Remember why you fell in love in the first place~ channel that love, and try, try, try and see if you 2 still have what it takes to be a couple. If not, and you both know you have given it all you can~ well, so it is....
But that is just MY opinion!
Good luck!
Claudia0 -
Ditto on all the above but before you make a final decisionchenheart said:Ok....I am coming from the
Ok....I am coming from the other side of this equasion! I do not know what your relationship was BEFORE cancer came to call, all I can go by is what my life was like! I was in what I call my "starter-marriage"...I was married for almost 27 YEARS! I realized when I turned 50, that things were stagnant, that longevity equaled complacency, and that frightening as it was, if I didn't leave and find ME and be a viable, productive human being, suddenly I would be 70. In the same place, with the same man, doing the same things. And it would be too late to leave. The thought of that scared me more than the thought of leaving at that age . I needed to go~ for both of us. We talked, we discussed, we cried, we counseled. We were incredibly active in our religion~ at the end of the proverbial day, none of that mattered as far as I was concerned. We had become strangers with no intimacy, no communication, staying together for, in MY opinion the wrong reason. The reason? Neither of us had been physically unfaithful to the other , and the religion I was incredibly active in saw no other reason to end a marriage. I left anyway. Staying together because a strict religion dictated that I was obligated to was not a good reason at all. To Me, anyway! But that is only how I felt. I am not advocating how anyone else should feel or react in a similar situation.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years after I left. I had been casually dating a nice man I met. Nothing uber-serious, just company and nice to be with. Then, shockingly, I was diagnosed with BC at 53! He not only stayed with me, he took care of me and ( sadly) 7 years later, just a little over 2 weeks ago, I was just diagnosed with a recurrance. We are still together, and just got married 31/2 weeks ago! My Ex, though a health care professional, would never have taken care of me the way I have been taken care of by my now husband ; after a 27 year union I know that 100%.
I am not saying you should leave. I am not saying you should stay. What I am saying is this: Each of you owes the other one an honest conversation. What does each of you want? What does each of you expect? What is each of you willing to do? I have no idea what the answers to those questions may be. Perhaps each of you has more to lose, and both of you wants to fight to keep what was in tact and make it even better. Maybe a good fight, (NOT physical!) coupled with a good cry and a declaration of love, meant by BOTH of you is what is needed. On the other hand, maybe not. I don't know. I know that my then- husband did not need or deserve a room-mate..and that is what he eventually ended up having with me. Separate bedrooms, separate lives, no imtimacy, REGARDLESS of our relationship with our Creator and our church/congregation. We ended up being ultra polite and the best tenants ever...how unfullfilling! Both physically, but of course emotionally and spiritually as well. He would have been better off with a stranger who paid rent or even a dog who would have been happy he came home at the end of the day. I was neither of those, and I was as miserable as he was.
Marriages and relationships end. With cancer, without cancer. I think both of you need and deserve a life of happiness, companionship, sexual fullfillment, emotional and intellectual stimulation. If the 2 of you have 9 out of 10 of those, and can work on re-capturing the 10th, or being fine without whatever number 10 in your lives is,good on you! If you didn't have that BEFORE cancer, and you are staying out of anger coupled with guilt, I say neither of you needs this! Your wife who has battled doesn't need it for sure, but neither do you.
TALK to your wife! Remember why you fell in love in the first place~ channel that love, and try, try, try and see if you 2 still have what it takes to be a couple. If not, and you both know you have given it all you can~ well, so it is....
But that is just MY opinion!
Good luck!
Claudia
Please, please watch the movie 'Fireproof' that I spoke to you of last night. Think of it this way....after investing 19 years in your marriage, isn't it worth trying every possible solution before making a final decision and wonder later whether you did everything you could do to save this marriage. Trust me...once you watch this movie, you won't regret it...you will have an insight that you never would have otherwise.
Lorrie0 -
Lorrie I am going to watchBalentine said:Ditto on all the above but before you make a final decision
Please, please watch the movie 'Fireproof' that I spoke to you of last night. Think of it this way....after investing 19 years in your marriage, isn't it worth trying every possible solution before making a final decision and wonder later whether you did everything you could do to save this marriage. Trust me...once you watch this movie, you won't regret it...you will have an insight that you never would have otherwise.
Lorrie
Lorrie I am going to watch that movie. Chen great advice.
I remember after my first diagnosis I was extrememly unhappy, VERY ANGRY and it took a toll on my marriage, we could have used counseling. When my husband was honest with me and told me how I sometimes acted it helped. sometimes you get so wrapped up in things that you dont realize how miserable you have become. Right now after my second diagnosis we are going through some of the same things, but now its because I am more forthright about what I want. How i want my life to proceed. Part of this is my age, my diagnosis, pre empty nesting, teenage kids yada yada too.
I wouldnt want my husband to stay with me because I had breast cancer and he feels quilty. best wishes and keep posting.0 -
Hello jd,
Your posting could
Hello jd,
Your posting could be me. The only difference is that I haven't been at the 2 year mark yet. I don't know how to gauge that anniversary because I'm not sure if it's the end of treatment or the beginning of diagnosis. Anyway, I too am Stage 3 and finished chemo and Rads on Dec. 22, 2010.
I was pretty good until I had to start on the Estrogen blockers. I am moody, don't like my body ( gained 20 lbs ) and have not had an intimate thought in a long time.
Your post saddens me because I feel sorry for myself. I have been thinking that so far, my husband has been a saint. I just don't know how much longer he realistically can be. He says he loves me and all the right things, but I am an intelligent woman also, and know the reality of this situation.
I cannot advise you you see, because I am on the other end of the spectrum. I wish you well and I think it was very brave of you to ask for help.
Please let us here know of your decision.
Wanda0 -
I agree with Lighthouse and applaude you for reaching outLighthouse_7 said:Hello jd,
Your posting could
Hello jd,
Your posting could be me. The only difference is that I haven't been at the 2 year mark yet. I don't know how to gauge that anniversary because I'm not sure if it's the end of treatment or the beginning of diagnosis. Anyway, I too am Stage 3 and finished chemo and Rads on Dec. 22, 2010.
I was pretty good until I had to start on the Estrogen blockers. I am moody, don't like my body ( gained 20 lbs ) and have not had an intimate thought in a long time.
Your post saddens me because I feel sorry for myself. I have been thinking that so far, my husband has been a saint. I just don't know how much longer he realistically can be. He says he loves me and all the right things, but I am an intelligent woman also, and know the reality of this situation.
I cannot advise you you see, because I am on the other end of the spectrum. I wish you well and I think it was very brave of you to ask for help.
Please let us here know of your decision.
Wanda
Those of us who have been married for 15 or 20 years or many times make the mistake of taking one another for granted, staying for other reasons than why we initially married, hold resentments from hurt and disappointments during our marriages, etc. What this movie 'Fireproof' did for me is to remind me of what intially made me fall in love with my husband, showed me God's perspective on marriage and how to love unconditionally the way He does, to show respect and love regardless of what your partner does or does not do, to know the depths of how God loves us and follow His example, to woo your partner back to the love you once had for one another, to think of them before yourself and to honor and respect them instead of being harsh when you don't get what you expect in return.
If God loved the way we love, where would we be??? We would still be lost. I believe everyone should watch this movie and maybe watch it once a week and then once a month to keep fresh in our minds the principles that this movie teaches so we don't slip back into our normal routines and reactions when things don't go the way we planned for them to.
Life and love are about choices. Once we get to the point where we don't want it to work anymore, we will justify our feelings and actions and motives because we've had enough and are ready to quit. I ask you to flip the coin and once again see your wife the way you did when you first fell in love and start contemplating how you both can get back there again. Watching this movie is a perfect first step to getting there. Don't give up your marriage until you do the movie and 40 day love dare. You won't be sorry.
Lorrie0 -
ObviouslyLighthouse_7 said:Hello jd,
Your posting could
Hello jd,
Your posting could be me. The only difference is that I haven't been at the 2 year mark yet. I don't know how to gauge that anniversary because I'm not sure if it's the end of treatment or the beginning of diagnosis. Anyway, I too am Stage 3 and finished chemo and Rads on Dec. 22, 2010.
I was pretty good until I had to start on the Estrogen blockers. I am moody, don't like my body ( gained 20 lbs ) and have not had an intimate thought in a long time.
Your post saddens me because I feel sorry for myself. I have been thinking that so far, my husband has been a saint. I just don't know how much longer he realistically can be. He says he loves me and all the right things, but I am an intelligent woman also, and know the reality of this situation.
I cannot advise you you see, because I am on the other end of the spectrum. I wish you well and I think it was very brave of you to ask for help.
Please let us here know of your decision.
Wanda
Sorry I meant 20090 -
Talk to her, make herLighthouse_7 said:Obviously
Sorry I meant 2009
Talk to her, make her listen. Maybe she feels the same as you do and then again maybe she does not know how bad things have gotton. Start there. Best of luch to the both of you.0 -
Your posting brought tears to my eyes .. Some ofKat11 said:Talk to her, make her
Talk to her, make her listen. Maybe she feels the same as you do and then again maybe she does not know how bad things have gotton. Start there. Best of luch to the both of you.
us never know how well we have it .. or how our lives sucks. The former is your wife case. Please seek counseling, family therapy .. something .. don't give up on her yet.
If she is not listening .. please write her a letter, perhaps this will open up the communication channels.
Hoping all the Best for You!
Vicki Sam0
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