Husband deals with wifes new emotional and phyisical changes

SunnieC

Kat11 said:

Talk to her, make her
Talk to her, make her listen. Maybe she feels the same as you do and then again maybe she does not know how bad things have gotton. Start there. Best of luch to the both of you.

The big question is...
do you still love her? If you do then it's worth the fight... if not (and only you can make that decision) then it's not healthy for either of you to continue... your wife will need to answer the same question for herself... If it is difficult to answer that question then my opinion is that you're not ready to make any changes... don't do anything you will regret later - Oh, and by the way, have you asked her out for a date lately?

I hope you find the peace and happieness you both deserve -

Sunnie

sea60

I regret my divorce
All I can say is that I truly pray you BOTH are on board to work things out. It will take the 2 of you to WANT to restore what has been lost. I agree with Lorrie. Please, both of you watch the movie and pray and reach out to God for restoration and guidance towards steps to heal your marriage.

It's hard to step into one another's shoes to feel what each of you is feeling. That's why counseling is critical to save what you have invested. Cancer not only robs you of your physical body, but it can take away one's self-esteem if you allow it. Does your church offer a couple's retreat or have a Bible study focused on marriage?

God IS the God of miracles!

I'm praying for you and your wife JD and I would greatly appreciate your prayers as well for the restoration of my marriage.

Blessings,

Sylvia

Jdstuff

VickiSam said:

Your posting brought tears to my eyes .. Some of
us never know how well we have it .. or how our lives sucks. The former is your wife case. Please seek counseling, family therapy .. something .. don't give up on her yet.

If she is not listening .. please write her a letter, perhaps this will open up the communication channels.

Hoping all the Best for You!


Vicki Sam

I did schedule a meeting
I did schedule a meeting with a counsoler today.It is a few weeks out because Im a new patient.So your all I have till then.
Don't get me wrong my wife and I have talked about this and she agrees that she has changed.That I have changed also.Im more relaxed then ever before were she seems to be very stressed.With her work schedule and raising 3 active kids she struggles to find time to excersize to burn off some stress.
Some of you talk of church and god well that works for some this case may not.Im catholic and she is Wesleyan she pretty much laughs at some of the catholic beliefs. so I think that is a road less traveled for us.
She doesn't want me to leave it scars her to be alone. She has no family left.both parents are gone and siblings just don't care for her.I know if I did leave it would crush her.
Im not in love with her and that bothers me for I feel I have a broken heart from years of neglect.I love my kids and don't want to hurt them either as my folks were split and that was always ugly...

Jdstuff

Lighthouse_7 said:

Hello jd,
Your posting could
Hello jd,
Your posting could be me. The only difference is that I haven't been at the 2 year mark yet. I don't know how to gauge that anniversary because I'm not sure if it's the end of treatment or the beginning of diagnosis. Anyway, I too am Stage 3 and finished chemo and Rads on Dec. 22, 2010.

I was pretty good until I had to start on the Estrogen blockers. I am moody, don't like my body ( gained 20 lbs ) and have not had an intimate thought in a long time.

Your post saddens me because I feel sorry for myself. I have been thinking that so far, my husband has been a saint. I just don't know how much longer he realistically can be. He says he loves me and all the right things, but I am an intelligent woman also, and know the reality of this situation.

I cannot advise you you see, because I am on the other end of the spectrum. I wish you well and I think it was very brave of you to ask for help.

Please let us here know of your decision.

Wanda

That would be 2 yrs after
That would be 2 yrs after everything was completed...

Pinkpower

Jdstuff, I really had to
Jdstuff, I really had to think hard on your post. Sometimes bringing up the subject about intimacy is not easy, especially when you have been diagnosed with any kind of Cancer. Being the wife and the one going thru BC, I know how I feel, even though I was lucky and still have both my breast, there where other factors that make me feel unattractive, including the loss of my long hair, eyelashes, 20 lbs weight gain (people have mistaken my weight gain for being pregnant which made me even sadder, swollen arm due to lymphadema, etc. etc... today I felt the need to ask my husband if he still desired me? He was baffled that I asked him this. I'm glad I asked cause he did answer Yes and added that I was still beautiful, he just was scare and unsure about intimacy since I'm always moody and tired and in pain all the time... But we have opened the lines of communication and now we are moving forward because I love him and he love me. Hope this helps.
Lupe

Christine Louise

Pinkpower said:

Jdstuff, I really had to
Jdstuff, I really had to think hard on your post. Sometimes bringing up the subject about intimacy is not easy, especially when you have been diagnosed with any kind of Cancer. Being the wife and the one going thru BC, I know how I feel, even though I was lucky and still have both my breast, there where other factors that make me feel unattractive, including the loss of my long hair, eyelashes, 20 lbs weight gain (people have mistaken my weight gain for being pregnant which made me even sadder, swollen arm due to lymphadema, etc. etc... today I felt the need to ask my husband if he still desired me? He was baffled that I asked him this. I'm glad I asked cause he did answer Yes and added that I was still beautiful, he just was scare and unsure about intimacy since I'm always moody and tired and in pain all the time... But we have opened the lines of communication and now we are moving forward because I love him and he love me. Hope this helps.
Lupe

Thanks for this, Lupe
Love this. It may help me. Thanks.

cahjah75

So sad
I was so sad reading your post. It does sound like you and your wife have talked. I hope the counselling helps. I was widowed at 23 and thought my life was over. I later remarried and have been married now for more than 35 years. Has it been easy, heck no!

I'm assuming that following bc & treatment your wife went through menopause. At age 50 I went through natural menopause and to me it was life changing - the mood swings, the constant crying, the hot flashes, etc. I quit smoking and gained 80#s too! My gyn suggested that I was clinically depressed and that I see a pyschiatrist. I was on antidepressents for the past 10+ years and my libido was ZERO! This depressed me. I sought counselling at a sex therapist and no matter what I just had no desire. Four years ago I started falling down. I had degenerative disc disease in my spine and 11 surgeries later I had missing body parts, artificial body parts and could not imagine having a sex life. 3 weeks ago I had bilateral mastectomies thanks to bc. Unlike your wife I have just about resigned myself that I don't want to have any more surgery for reconstruction. Right now I wear a camisole that has cotton breasts and eventually I will get prostheses. Do I like what I look like, NO, but I can live with it. I asked my husband how he felt and if he loved me any less. He told me that he couldn't change what had happened and that I'm still the same person on the inside. Do we both miss intimacy - you betcha!

Your wife may be depressed about her mother's death, her bc and how her body and her life have changed. Will it get better? I hope so for both your sakes:)
Char

Flakey_Flake

What Are you Thinking!!
Jdstuff,

So what makes you think your wife is healthy? Because whe goes to work? Because her treatments are over? Because you want her to be?

You need to understand that none of us are the "same" after a cancer battle. It changes every person it touches. Often the post treatmemt depression is worse than the depression durring diagnosis and treatment. You say your wife dislikes her body. Have you given her any reason to believe that it is still worthy of your attention? This whole trip isn't aboout YOU! Even though you try to make it that way. Your wife is dealing with a myriad of emotions and conflicts that you are not even recognizing. How can she comfortably bring things up to you if you are not understanding of her feelings. I sure wouldn't! Believe me, there is nothing worse than baring your heart and soul only to have it shoved aside. Your wife NEEDS you now. It is not the time to be thinking of your needs. Try thinking about what she has been through, and pretend it was yourself going through the same thing (empathy)

You want to leave her????!!! Do you know what youw will be missing years down the road?! Sure you can hook up with some young floozy that will make you feel like you are "King of the Road". But what about the first part of your life? Wouldn't you like to be able to say that you had integrity ... that your word was worth something? That you actually loved the woman? If you leave her ... all that is erased. You will end up with fairly lovely women that don't care a tat about you! You wife cares! Why do you think she hates her body? Because she is using it for something that doesn't involve you? She is hating it because she thinks it is not pleasing to you!

The more I write, the angrier I get! I won't be as soft about it as the other posts have been. I you leave your woman, at the time she needs you the most, I believe you will regret it. Okay - if you do, may your "ahem" fall off into the sewer. And if I am privelaged to see that happen, count on me stomping on it until it is a two dimensional pancake sliding down the grates like a dead leaf.

Good Luck. You will need it with your attitude.

Sharon

Jdstuff

Flakey_Flake said:

What Are you Thinking!!
Jdstuff,

So what makes you think your wife is healthy? Because whe goes to work? Because her treatments are over? Because you want her to be?

You need to understand that none of us are the "same" after a cancer battle. It changes every person it touches. Often the post treatmemt depression is worse than the depression durring diagnosis and treatment. You say your wife dislikes her body. Have you given her any reason to believe that it is still worthy of your attention? This whole trip isn't aboout YOU! Even though you try to make it that way. Your wife is dealing with a myriad of emotions and conflicts that you are not even recognizing. How can she comfortably bring things up to you if you are not understanding of her feelings. I sure wouldn't! Believe me, there is nothing worse than baring your heart and soul only to have it shoved aside. Your wife NEEDS you now. It is not the time to be thinking of your needs. Try thinking about what she has been through, and pretend it was yourself going through the same thing (empathy)

You want to leave her????!!! Do you know what youw will be missing years down the road?! Sure you can hook up with some young floozy that will make you feel like you are "King of the Road". But what about the first part of your life? Wouldn't you like to be able to say that you had integrity ... that your word was worth something? That you actually loved the woman? If you leave her ... all that is erased. You will end up with fairly lovely women that don't care a tat about you! You wife cares! Why do you think she hates her body? Because she is using it for something that doesn't involve you? She is hating it because she thinks it is not pleasing to you!

The more I write, the angrier I get! I won't be as soft about it as the other posts have been. I you leave your woman, at the time she needs you the most, I believe you will regret it. Okay - if you do, may your "ahem" fall off into the sewer. And if I am privelaged to see that happen, count on me stomping on it until it is a two dimensional pancake sliding down the grates like a dead leaf.

Good Luck. You will need it with your attitude.

Sharon

Sharon,
Some how you
Sharon,
Some how you have missed much of what I have wrote.My beautiful wife has her act together better then you do.I guess your husband left you for the obivous reason.Yes this is about me and other spouses that struggle with post cancer patients.So your take is Im suppose to be a human robot and ignor my feels/needs for the rest of my life? Interesting?
Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

chenheart

Jdstuff said:

Sharon,
Some how you
Sharon,
Some how you have missed much of what I have wrote.My beautiful wife has her act together better then you do.I guess your husband left you for the obivous reason.Yes this is about me and other spouses that struggle with post cancer patients.So your take is Im suppose to be a human robot and ignor my feels/needs for the rest of my life? Interesting?
Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

I had an idea this was going
I had an idea this was going to take the proverbial "left turn" about now! We are all just people, with feelings ( right and wrong, good and bad) and the anonymous nature of the Internet , and our visceral reaction at any given time allows us to vent. As well it should!

I for one do NOT regret the decision I made to leave my husband after 27 years~ and whereas I am thankful and sometimes overwhelmed that my now ( almost 1 month) husband was with me when I was diagnosed 7 years ago and is with me for the recurrance, let me reiterate that my THEN husband would have stayed with me for spiritual reasons ONLY! He would have felt biblically obligated...and I didn't need or want that! I would not have been cared for, nurtured as a wife or valued person,and BOTH of us would have been distant~ physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have never looked back since my divorce, never regretted leaving and would have even been fine had I NOT met my awesome Reggie. He turned out to be an icing on my life's cake~ and I one on his. But I would have been better off without my husband than staying for all of the wrong reasons~and we both loved God, our congregation, the Bible...we just didn't love each other anymore! And I left....I would do it again today! I feel no guilt~ to the contrary, I was never an "outlaw" with my former inlaws. I ended up living with and being the caregiver to my former Mother In Law~ even while going through chemo and radiation. My former sister in law and her husband vacationed with my new guy and me~ never once saying I should have stayed with her brother! She went with me to the diagnosis of my BC and stayed with me and changed my dressings after the surgery. As did all of the family; though legally I was not relatied to them anymore! Everyone in my family and my former husbands was with me 100%! And again, I did NOT have any physical abuse or adultery or lack of material things in my marriage. It just didn't work any more. Neither of us needed/deserved a roomate, and that is what both of us ended up having!

One more time~ if you are a cad, a bad man, bad person, bad husband, bad father...you will have to answer for that. If you are not~ and BOTH you and your wife have talked, cried, tried, done all you can, and it still doesn't have a Happy Ending...well then so be it!

I do hope that IF you can recapture who you both were, and can find it again that it will bind and bond you closer than you ever were. This isn't simple or easy for either of you, or the children, I am sure of that.

Damn cancer anyway...it takes way too much from way too many of us! On way too many levels.

I wish you, your wife and your children peace.

Chen

PS...and this is my last word on the subject! I am not weighing in on either side after this~ I only had my own experience, and having expressed it, I am done! It wasn't side-taking or partisan...so I am now opting out!

carkris

chenheart said:

I had an idea this was going
I had an idea this was going to take the proverbial "left turn" about now! We are all just people, with feelings ( right and wrong, good and bad) and the anonymous nature of the Internet , and our visceral reaction at any given time allows us to vent. As well it should!

I for one do NOT regret the decision I made to leave my husband after 27 years~ and whereas I am thankful and sometimes overwhelmed that my now ( almost 1 month) husband was with me when I was diagnosed 7 years ago and is with me for the recurrance, let me reiterate that my THEN husband would have stayed with me for spiritual reasons ONLY! He would have felt biblically obligated...and I didn't need or want that! I would not have been cared for, nurtured as a wife or valued person,and BOTH of us would have been distant~ physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have never looked back since my divorce, never regretted leaving and would have even been fine had I NOT met my awesome Reggie. He turned out to be an icing on my life's cake~ and I one on his. But I would have been better off without my husband than staying for all of the wrong reasons~and we both loved God, our congregation, the Bible...we just didn't love each other anymore! And I left....I would do it again today! I feel no guilt~ to the contrary, I was never an "outlaw" with my former inlaws. I ended up living with and being the caregiver to my former Mother In Law~ even while going through chemo and radiation. My former sister in law and her husband vacationed with my new guy and me~ never once saying I should have stayed with her brother! She went with me to the diagnosis of my BC and stayed with me and changed my dressings after the surgery. As did all of the family; though legally I was not relatied to them anymore! Everyone in my family and my former husbands was with me 100%! And again, I did NOT have any physical abuse or adultery or lack of material things in my marriage. It just didn't work any more. Neither of us needed/deserved a roomate, and that is what both of us ended up having!

One more time~ if you are a cad, a bad man, bad person, bad husband, bad father...you will have to answer for that. If you are not~ and BOTH you and your wife have talked, cried, tried, done all you can, and it still doesn't have a Happy Ending...well then so be it!

I do hope that IF you can recapture who you both were, and can find it again that it will bind and bond you closer than you ever were. This isn't simple or easy for either of you, or the children, I am sure of that.

Damn cancer anyway...it takes way too much from way too many of us! On way too many levels.

I wish you, your wife and your children peace.

Chen

PS...and this is my last word on the subject! I am not weighing in on either side after this~ I only had my own experience, and having expressed it, I am done! It wasn't side-taking or partisan...so I am now opting out!

yes damn cancer!

yes damn cancer!

lolad

Jdstuff said:

I did schedule a meeting
I did schedule a meeting with a counsoler today.It is a few weeks out because Im a new patient.So your all I have till then.
Don't get me wrong my wife and I have talked about this and she agrees that she has changed.That I have changed also.Im more relaxed then ever before were she seems to be very stressed.With her work schedule and raising 3 active kids she struggles to find time to excersize to burn off some stress.
Some of you talk of church and god well that works for some this case may not.Im catholic and she is Wesleyan she pretty much laughs at some of the catholic beliefs. so I think that is a road less traveled for us.
She doesn't want me to leave it scars her to be alone. She has no family left.both parents are gone and siblings just don't care for her.I know if I did leave it would crush her.
Im not in love with her and that bothers me for I feel I have a broken heart from years of neglect.I love my kids and don't want to hurt them either as my folks were split and that was always ugly...

Jdstuff
You just admitted in a post that you were not in love with her because you have been neglected for years? Is it the years that she has battled with her cancer, or before that too. I am confused on what you really feel. If children are involved and you two are constantly stressed out and fighting all the time, then for the childrens sakes you should maybe live apart for now. You can still work with a councelor and that doesnt mean you should abandon her. You have to not only think of yourself, but for your children as well. You can still help out with the kids and be an adult and help out with her when needed. You share children, its not only about you because of that. If you want to try to work it out, then do the counceling. But only you can make up your mind on what to do. Communication is a big thing in a relationship and it sounds if there isnt any here. You have to make your own decission. But, dont just run and abandon them.

Laura

chenheart

carkris said:

yes damn cancer!

yes damn cancer!

TY...I am NOT commenting on
TY...I am NOT commenting on the subject any more, but your answer made me smile, and that is sooooo important! LOL zzzzzzzzz going to sleep now!

hugs,
Claudia

chenheart

carkris said:

yes damn cancer!

yes damn cancer!

This was SOOOO not worth a double post!
((((HUGS))) Kindred Spirits

chenheart

carkris said:

yes damn cancer!

yes damn cancer!

TY...I am starting to hate computers
GRRRRRRRR LOL

chenheart

carkris said:

yes damn cancer!

yes damn cancer!

WHAT????? LOL
Sheeesh!

Marcia527

chenheart said:

This was SOOOO not worth a double post!
((((HUGS))) Kindred Spirits

Hey Chen, I thought the
Hey Chen, I thought the above post (about four up)was your last word on the subject! hee hee. I know it was the cyber gremlins.

Hubby

Marcia527 said:

Hey Chen, I thought the
Hey Chen, I thought the above post (about four up)was your last word on the subject! hee hee. I know it was the cyber gremlins.

My final word
I am trying to figure out why you posted here. At first, I thought you were looking for support and that you deep down wanted to stay. Now I think you came here looking for approval/permission to leave your wife. Maybe your marriage is over; I don't know. You two need counseling. But I for one am not going to give you permission to walk out.

Snowkitty

Hubby said:

My final word
I am trying to figure out why you posted here. At first, I thought you were looking for support and that you deep down wanted to stay. Now I think you came here looking for approval/permission to leave your wife. Maybe your marriage is over; I don't know. You two need counseling. But I for one am not going to give you permission to walk out.

Hubby...I think I love you
'nuff said

Cindy

my2cents

JDStuff
I came to this site today out of desperation for my own situation and found your posting that so similarly matches mine. Mid to late 40s, three young children, wife is almost 4 years post BC diagnosis. Dreaded triple negative BC, Chemo, double mastectomy, reconstruction, early menopause, medication. Blah, blah, blah F'n BLAH! I think the first thing I thought of was that this guy needs to know he is not alone. The first question you ask is it wrong for you to think of leaving her? Hell no! I suspect it is completely normal to "THINK" about it. Whether you act on it is a whole other ball of wax. There are so many factors involved in that decision and most of them have been covered in all the other replies to your intial posting. My wife was/is the love of my life. We had a realtionship that other people envied. We were the couple younger women used as a model for what they wanted out of marriage. Then CANCER. My wife, the woman I had known for 20 years, died the day she was diagnosed. I am still married to her but she's not the same... We are still deeply in love and that is the only thing that keeps us together. I too wonder about the rest of my life. There are days I feel like asking for a divorce but I immediately remind myself that I said "in sickness and in health" and she didn't ask for this either! It gets me through most days. We hug. We cry. We acknowledge to each other how hard this is/has/will be on both of us. She has poor self esteem and personal image; doesn't like what her body has become; has virtually no interest in sex or intamacy. But still I love her and we are trying. Can we go on like this indefinitely? I don't know. It's one day at a time. So don't feel bad for what you are thinking and feeling. Just try to be strong and make the right decisions together with your wife.

Flakey_flake Sharon: Wow! Give him a break. He asked a legitimate question. Cancer infects one person but it affects everybody around that person. Everybody knows what the patient goes through but how it affects those surronding them all too frequently gets lost. Oh poor Betty, she's got cancer. Yeah but her husband and kids have to live with it for the rest of their lives also! Even a great relationship can be strained by cancer. Bad relationships are unlikely to survive.