Husband deals with wifes new emotional and phyisical changes

jk1952

my2cents said:

JDStuff
I came to this site today out of desperation for my own situation and found your posting that so similarly matches mine. Mid to late 40s, three young children, wife is almost 4 years post BC diagnosis. Dreaded triple negative BC, Chemo, double mastectomy, reconstruction, early menopause, medication. Blah, blah, blah F'n BLAH! I think the first thing I thought of was that this guy needs to know he is not alone. The first question you ask is it wrong for you to think of leaving her? Hell no! I suspect it is completely normal to "THINK" about it. Whether you act on it is a whole other ball of wax. There are so many factors involved in that decision and most of them have been covered in all the other replies to your intial posting. My wife was/is the love of my life. We had a realtionship that other people envied. We were the couple younger women used as a model for what they wanted out of marriage. Then CANCER. My wife, the woman I had known for 20 years, died the day she was diagnosed. I am still married to her but she's not the same... We are still deeply in love and that is the only thing that keeps us together. I too wonder about the rest of my life. There are days I feel like asking for a divorce but I immediately remind myself that I said "in sickness and in health" and she didn't ask for this either! It gets me through most days. We hug. We cry. We acknowledge to each other how hard this is/has/will be on both of us. She has poor self esteem and personal image; doesn't like what her body has become; has virtually no interest in sex or intamacy. But still I love her and we are trying. Can we go on like this indefinitely? I don't know. It's one day at a time. So don't feel bad for what you are thinking and feeling. Just try to be strong and make the right decisions together with your wife.

Flakey_flake Sharon: Wow! Give him a break. He asked a legitimate question. Cancer infects one person but it affects everybody around that person. Everybody knows what the patient goes through but how it affects those surronding them all too frequently gets lost. Oh poor Betty, she's got cancer. Yeah but her husband and kids have to live with it for the rest of their lives also! Even a great relationship can be strained by cancer. Bad relationships are unlikely to survive.

JDStuff and my2cents, I
JDStuff and my2cents, I don't know the right answer for either of you. But, one thing that seems to be screaming out to me is that your wives both need some help to try to put cancer and the bad times behind them. Maybe counselling would help them both with their self-images and help them to have a different outlook on life.

I have been treated for breast cancer twice: in 2000, I had a lumpectomy and radiation; in 2009, I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Both times it was caught early, and thankfully, I have never had chemo. But, I haven't let it keep me from living my life; and I've found that there's a very fulfilling life post-cancer.

It sounds like both of your wives are suffering from deep depressions, and if that is treated, they (and you) may find a joyous life together.

Joyce

Christine Louise

jk1952 said:

JDStuff and my2cents, I
JDStuff and my2cents, I don't know the right answer for either of you. But, one thing that seems to be screaming out to me is that your wives both need some help to try to put cancer and the bad times behind them. Maybe counselling would help them both with their self-images and help them to have a different outlook on life.

I have been treated for breast cancer twice: in 2000, I had a lumpectomy and radiation; in 2009, I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Both times it was caught early, and thankfully, I have never had chemo. But, I haven't let it keep me from living my life; and I've found that there's a very fulfilling life post-cancer.

It sounds like both of your wives are suffering from deep depressions, and if that is treated, they (and you) may find a joyous life together.

Joyce

Counseling changes lives
Joyce, I totally agree. Please gently urge your wives to get counseling. Offer to go with them. This does sound like clinical depression (not just "the blues")and/or post-traumatic stress disorder (yes, cancer "warriors" get it, not only military warriors). It's extremely difficult for someone to pull herself out of this without help. Counseling and, possibly, anti-depressant medications can turn lives around. Best, best wishes.

Jdstuff

my2cents said:

JDStuff
I came to this site today out of desperation for my own situation and found your posting that so similarly matches mine. Mid to late 40s, three young children, wife is almost 4 years post BC diagnosis. Dreaded triple negative BC, Chemo, double mastectomy, reconstruction, early menopause, medication. Blah, blah, blah F'n BLAH! I think the first thing I thought of was that this guy needs to know he is not alone. The first question you ask is it wrong for you to think of leaving her? Hell no! I suspect it is completely normal to "THINK" about it. Whether you act on it is a whole other ball of wax. There are so many factors involved in that decision and most of them have been covered in all the other replies to your intial posting. My wife was/is the love of my life. We had a realtionship that other people envied. We were the couple younger women used as a model for what they wanted out of marriage. Then CANCER. My wife, the woman I had known for 20 years, died the day she was diagnosed. I am still married to her but she's not the same... We are still deeply in love and that is the only thing that keeps us together. I too wonder about the rest of my life. There are days I feel like asking for a divorce but I immediately remind myself that I said "in sickness and in health" and she didn't ask for this either! It gets me through most days. We hug. We cry. We acknowledge to each other how hard this is/has/will be on both of us. She has poor self esteem and personal image; doesn't like what her body has become; has virtually no interest in sex or intamacy. But still I love her and we are trying. Can we go on like this indefinitely? I don't know. It's one day at a time. So don't feel bad for what you are thinking and feeling. Just try to be strong and make the right decisions together with your wife.

Flakey_flake Sharon: Wow! Give him a break. He asked a legitimate question. Cancer infects one person but it affects everybody around that person. Everybody knows what the patient goes through but how it affects those surronding them all too frequently gets lost. Oh poor Betty, she's got cancer. Yeah but her husband and kids have to live with it for the rest of their lives also! Even a great relationship can be strained by cancer. Bad relationships are unlikely to survive.

Thank you.I never said I was
Thank you.I never said I was running to the door to leave her,although others thought that.Im not a qwitter.I doubt I will ever leave her just sometimes have thoughts about it. I feel that if I was to leave that I was being just selfish.Like I said it wasn't her fault this happened.I just have to change to the new life style and sometimes its just plane difficult.

Balentine

Jdstuff said:

Thank you.I never said I was
Thank you.I never said I was running to the door to leave her,although others thought that.Im not a qwitter.I doubt I will ever leave her just sometimes have thoughts about it. I feel that if I was to leave that I was being just selfish.Like I said it wasn't her fault this happened.I just have to change to the new life style and sometimes its just plane difficult.

Jd you are very committed to your wife and marriage
My husband got angry also....of the loss....there is alot of loss in this cancer thing. I applaude you for even though you have gotten very angry, yet you have not reacted negatively to it. It is much better to get the anger out by talking instead of allowing it to fester and then explode. I think all of us couples at one time or another through this journey feels like they have just had enough and cannot take it anymore. My husband reached that point 2 weeks after my last chemo. I thought he was going to leave me but he didn't. AFter he blew up, the next day he was fine. It helps to, number one, believe God works ALL things together for our good and number 2, instead of focussing on what cancer has stolen from your lives, look for an appreciate what you still do have and what God reveals to you through it all. When we first found out I had cancer, my husband fell to his knees and said we are going to fight this....I can't lose you....whatever we have to do...I just want YOU. I know you feel the same way about your wife also. Be blessed and stay encouraged.
Lorrie

carkris

Balentine said:

Jd you are very committed to your wife and marriage
My husband got angry also....of the loss....there is alot of loss in this cancer thing. I applaude you for even though you have gotten very angry, yet you have not reacted negatively to it. It is much better to get the anger out by talking instead of allowing it to fester and then explode. I think all of us couples at one time or another through this journey feels like they have just had enough and cannot take it anymore. My husband reached that point 2 weeks after my last chemo. I thought he was going to leave me but he didn't. AFter he blew up, the next day he was fine. It helps to, number one, believe God works ALL things together for our good and number 2, instead of focussing on what cancer has stolen from your lives, look for an appreciate what you still do have and what God reveals to you through it all. When we first found out I had cancer, my husband fell to his knees and said we are going to fight this....I can't lose you....whatever we have to do...I just want YOU. I know you feel the same way about your wife also. Be blessed and stay encouraged.
Lorrie

this just throws all our
this just throws all our lives in a turmoil. My husband and I are committed to our promises but its not always easy. They cant know how you feel, and you have changed. and there is grief on both sides. I have changed after this second run. My family is used to me putting myself aside, then while I was so sick I literaly and figuraatively dissa peared, Now I am /BACK. find a new normal common ground. best wishes.

aysemari

Listen to your heart
First up, I want to say that there were some posts that were very
uncharacteristic of this site. I have never seen anyone being attacked
for their opinion or decision on here. And I for one love to see care
takers consult this site, we can can really make a difference in their
lives and I would hate for them to shy away.

You know Jdstuff, your wife may never be the same. I know I won't.
But she had to deal with a lot in such a short time not only concerning
herself but on top of it the loss of her mother. And as you put it, we
were never scared just carried on, it sounds like she never dealt with
all that is happening to her emotionally. One feels lost in the aftermath
of a battle. I think she needs more time to conquer back her personal
traits. As for you, you know that the person you once loved is somewhere
in there. You are right people change but in this case it wasn't her doing
and she may need your help to find herself again. Ask yourself this; do
you want to leave because you don't like what she has become? Or do
you want to leave because you don't want to deal with the changes?
There were a lot of changes and it seems to my that 19 years is worth
trying to adjust to the changes and if you don't like the way thins are
right now, then keep changing them.
Often times as a cancer patient you feel bad to put your loved ones
through it all. I begged my own sister not to come and sit by my side
sure it was lonely but I just couldn't put her through this. Your wife
may feel bad for that.
I think you need to talk to her, really talk to her. Don't let cancer have
the last word in a relation ship that took 19 years to build.
I wish you the best with your decision.

Ayse

FaffyM

I am a one year breast
I am a one year breast cancer survivor. Being in my mid 40s, the chemo caused instant, permanent menopause. I have suffered scarring, weight gain, continual hot flashes (many per day) & just plain exhaustion. I too, rarely think about being intimate any longer, but it's not because I don't want to. Although some won't admit it, most women have body image issues even before something like cancer comes along. If you are truly looking for advice, here's my opinion. Personally, I hope you stay the course. People often say that children are better off that their parents split if they are unhappy with each other. I personally do not believe that...children are never better off that way unless there is abuse involved. Divorce only undermines every child's security. Thus, they grow up not appreciating the true sense of fulfillment that one can receive from a spouse & family life & the cycle starts all over again. I know it is hard to think hypothetically, but how would you have wanted your wife to respond to you if she was the healthy one & you had prostate cancer & could no longer fuflfill her needs physically? What if you lost an arm or a leg in an accident? Do you think it would have affected your self esteem & changed the very fiber of your being? Of course it would have. But chances are, your wife would have seen thru those changes unless the anger & resentment that developed in you pushed her away.Don't you see that that is what is happening to her? The way the world is today, divorce is always the easy way out. Sadly, our society makes us feel unsatisfied & always wanting something more. To me, the bottom line is, nothing will ultimately make you feel more satisfied in the long run than putting God first, & then your marriage & children second. All this pursuit of personal happiness is a cunning diversion, that doesn't bring true happiness anyway. What do I need from my husband? I need his gentle touch without expecting sex. I need him to let go of all of the personal belongings that we used to think were so important. I need him to unselfishly take over with the kids & help me to manage things that I used to handle alone. I need him to be honest with me about his feelings. If he truly loves me, I need him to tell me that he loves me & always, always will, & if he doesn't, well I need to hear that too. I need him to do all these things over & over again until I start to truly believe it again. Maybe, just maybe then, we'll reconnect & our intimate life will recover. God bless you & your family.

reeseslover1234

Jdstuff said:

Thank you.I never said I was
Thank you.I never said I was running to the door to leave her,although others thought that.Im not a qwitter.I doubt I will ever leave her just sometimes have thoughts about it. I feel that if I was to leave that I was being just selfish.Like I said it wasn't her fault this happened.I just have to change to the new life style and sometimes its just plane difficult.

To leave or not to leave
Jd,

You are right to feel the way you do. Feelings are just reactions to something. I believe that reaction is to the cancer diagnosis. Did you walk out when the doctor told her she had cancer? No, you didn't and that's what matters. When you acknowledge that something is not right, that is the first step. Keep at it. Your marriage and your family should be your first priority after God. Get into counseling and talk. Talk about EVERYTHING. Your life before cancer, during cancer, after cancer...it all needs to be put in its place. I hope your wife will talk openly about things. My husband of 24 years (23 at my diagnosis) literally took over the household duties when I couldn't. He was there at every dr. appt., every test, every everything. When I hurt, he hurt. I don't "desire" intimacy in the way I did before. My husband understands this and is very patient. My desire for my husband is on a different level. He has made me feel beautiful in little everyday things. He says it's no different than if I were missing an arm. Let your wife know she is still beautiful in your eyes. She'll eventually accept her body. Please don't give up before you both talk to someone. These people are right, cancer changes who you are. It changes the family dynamics. Trust me, it'll be worth it in the end.

I will keep your family in my prayers.

Ladydi6365

Jdstuff said:

Thank you.I never said I was
Thank you.I never said I was running to the door to leave her,although others thought that.Im not a qwitter.I doubt I will ever leave her just sometimes have thoughts about it. I feel that if I was to leave that I was being just selfish.Like I said it wasn't her fault this happened.I just have to change to the new life style and sometimes its just plane difficult.

JD,
Don't feel bad for
JD,

Don't feel bad for expressing how you as a husband are feeling about your wifes BC.
You have a right to feel anyway you feel. I totally understand how you feel and how your wife feels. Unfortunately BC affects everyone in the family and most definitely the husband.
My husband too has had a tough time dealing with it. He has been very supportive but at times he is also angry at how our lives have changed. I had a bilat mastectomy with reconstruction and am still going thru chemo which is lasting longer than originally thought. I still have another surgery coming up at the end of September and it really has taken a toll on our lives. It took me awhile to realize that he has the right to be upset at how BC has affected us. The fact you are on this site speaks volumes for the caring and loving person you are. I hope you do try counseling and that things get better for the both of you
Good luck and God Bless
Diana

New Flower

FaffyM said:

I am a one year breast
I am a one year breast cancer survivor. Being in my mid 40s, the chemo caused instant, permanent menopause. I have suffered scarring, weight gain, continual hot flashes (many per day) & just plain exhaustion. I too, rarely think about being intimate any longer, but it's not because I don't want to. Although some won't admit it, most women have body image issues even before something like cancer comes along. If you are truly looking for advice, here's my opinion. Personally, I hope you stay the course. People often say that children are better off that their parents split if they are unhappy with each other. I personally do not believe that...children are never better off that way unless there is abuse involved. Divorce only undermines every child's security. Thus, they grow up not appreciating the true sense of fulfillment that one can receive from a spouse & family life & the cycle starts all over again. I know it is hard to think hypothetically, but how would you have wanted your wife to respond to you if she was the healthy one & you had prostate cancer & could no longer fuflfill her needs physically? What if you lost an arm or a leg in an accident? Do you think it would have affected your self esteem & changed the very fiber of your being? Of course it would have. But chances are, your wife would have seen thru those changes unless the anger & resentment that developed in you pushed her away.Don't you see that that is what is happening to her? The way the world is today, divorce is always the easy way out. Sadly, our society makes us feel unsatisfied & always wanting something more. To me, the bottom line is, nothing will ultimately make you feel more satisfied in the long run than putting God first, & then your marriage & children second. All this pursuit of personal happiness is a cunning diversion, that doesn't bring true happiness anyway. What do I need from my husband? I need his gentle touch without expecting sex. I need him to let go of all of the personal belongings that we used to think were so important. I need him to unselfishly take over with the kids & help me to manage things that I used to handle alone. I need him to be honest with me about his feelings. If he truly loves me, I need him to tell me that he loves me & always, always will, & if he doesn't, well I need to hear that too. I need him to do all these things over & over again until I start to truly believe it again. Maybe, just maybe then, we'll reconnect & our intimate life will recover. God bless you & your family.

I guess I missed this thread
I am actually have been shocked as i read it. JD I understand that You want to be happy and you deserve it, but have you thought that it is not your wife character, it is medication and all cancer treatments she have had? You both need counseling and i hope you will get it. Please talk to her oncologist. I hoe you will be happy together. I am wearing a sleeve (sock) and my husband did helped me with drains. I wish I would never had cancer and did not read your post.
Good luck

Yvette39

Dear JD Stuff:
I'm reading your life and feel like I'm in the same situation. I had a left mastectomy and am dealing with lymphedema fluid in the left arm. Sometimes I wonder why Wayne stays with me also. I am a different person now. I fought for the last year and really don't have much energy left in my to fight. He says he loves me and will never give up on me. He must love me because things are definately different. It is sad what life has done to the ones who have gone through cancer. It does turn your life upside down and really you are never the same person again. If she is anything like how I'm feeling right now, she just has enough energy to get through each day doing her normal simple routine. I cook dinner, I work part time and do a little bit of house cleaning each day. I know that if Wayne gets sick in the future I will be there for him no matter what. I would say follow your heart but make sure you can live with the decision you make. Good luck to you!

survives

Yvette39 said:

Dear JD Stuff:
I'm reading your life and feel like I'm in the same situation. I had a left mastectomy and am dealing with lymphedema fluid in the left arm. Sometimes I wonder why Wayne stays with me also. I am a different person now. I fought for the last year and really don't have much energy left in my to fight. He says he loves me and will never give up on me. He must love me because things are definately different. It is sad what life has done to the ones who have gone through cancer. It does turn your life upside down and really you are never the same person again. If she is anything like how I'm feeling right now, she just has enough energy to get through each day doing her normal simple routine. I cook dinner, I work part time and do a little bit of house cleaning each day. I know that if Wayne gets sick in the future I will be there for him no matter what. I would say follow your heart but make sure you can live with the decision you make. Good luck to you!

Just a thought
Ok, JD...this may sound strange, but after the shelling you got here, and you STILL come back and post, the you are stronger than you know! I, too, was/am a royal queen bee. I put my husband through hoops, and after that, there were hoops within hoops. He finally exploded with me one day, and told me what life is like on the caretaker side. I did pull it together after that. We've been married 37 years. And like all marriages, not easy at times, and a piece of cake on others.

So, have you been able to take a "caretaker" break? We as survivors really don't get the chance, but perhaps it's time for you to step back out of the "caretaker roll. She is the one struggling with a career, raising boys, etc.? Maybe a choice has to be made. If she can't do it all, then find another way to get it done. Don't know...just thinking.

Perhaps it is time you think about you, and what will make you happy. I hope you stick around and finish our your lives together, but if it's not meant to be, then it's just not. I'll echo and say counceling for both is needed. I hope she agrees. ....she is part of the problem. It's not ALL you. Like my mother is want to say, it takes two to argue.

Maybe a "manly" weekend...just you and the "guys". Maybe. Maybe a romantic dinner for two?? How about just a date with your beloved? Make it different. Something new. See if you two can reconnect, and see if it "sticks".

I hope this makes sense to you ....best wishes.

jackiejhm

survives said:

Just a thought
Ok, JD...this may sound strange, but after the shelling you got here, and you STILL come back and post, the you are stronger than you know! I, too, was/am a royal queen bee. I put my husband through hoops, and after that, there were hoops within hoops. He finally exploded with me one day, and told me what life is like on the caretaker side. I did pull it together after that. We've been married 37 years. And like all marriages, not easy at times, and a piece of cake on others.

So, have you been able to take a "caretaker" break? We as survivors really don't get the chance, but perhaps it's time for you to step back out of the "caretaker roll. She is the one struggling with a career, raising boys, etc.? Maybe a choice has to be made. If she can't do it all, then find another way to get it done. Don't know...just thinking.

Perhaps it is time you think about you, and what will make you happy. I hope you stick around and finish our your lives together, but if it's not meant to be, then it's just not. I'll echo and say counceling for both is needed. I hope she agrees. ....she is part of the problem. It's not ALL you. Like my mother is want to say, it takes two to argue.

Maybe a "manly" weekend...just you and the "guys". Maybe. Maybe a romantic dinner for two?? How about just a date with your beloved? Make it different. Something new. See if you two can reconnect, and see if it "sticks".

I hope this makes sense to you ....best wishes.

Wow
I have to agree with survives, JD. With time, effort and an open dialogue, your paths may be clearer. Maybe, just maybe this crummy "lesson" that was tossed at your wife, and you was meant to help you see a DIFFERENT way of connecting or communicating with each other. Of course you are both hurting and scared in your own way. So often we are trapped in our own skins and we forget to keep reconnecting with our loved ones. I wish you both strength, peace and love. Everyone deserves the pursuit of happiness. Life is way too short. That's just my two cents as a pink ribbon girl.