why can't I move on

Moving on.........
I think this is probably one of the hardest things to do once treatments are over.......I was dx in April, lumpectomy in May, Chemo, June-Aug and rads for 6 1/2 weeks, finished that 3 1/2 weeks ago.I was getting anxious about a week and a half before rads were over....I shared my anxiety and fears with my radiation oncologist....I told him, "For months now I have spent everyday of my life fighting this cancer.......now what?" I was scared because "now what do I do?" He assured me that what I was feeling was perfectly normal considering what I had been through.IT helped to know that I wasn't experiencing some sort of breakdown as I sobbed while telling him this and I am by nature, not a cryer but I was sobbing. He told me that it takes time to "readjust" and only time would help. That I WOULD find what works for me, as everyone must in their own time.

I have been incredibly busy since the end of rads and I honestly haven't had time to "think" about my new normal....I have just made a conscious decision to NOT let what has happened to me color the rest of my life.....easier said than done, I know...but for me this is working. That's not to say next week I won't have a meltdown of some sort.. I was very worried about what my life would be like once all the treatments were over but I have found a new joy in life, now. That's not to say I am out there tooting my own horn, but I am going about my life as much as possible as I did before. I refuse to live with the "what if's" even though it is never far from my mind.....AND AND AND........I STAY AWAY FROM THE INTERNET.......I had ductual, invasive carcinoma....clean clear margins, no lymph node involvement.....a scary diagnosis for sure.....I prefer to listen to my physicians.......I trust them far more than what I would read on the internet....

We can only trudge on finding what works for ourselves......I think this site has been as helpful as anything....we can always find someone who can offer advice and support to us, having walked in our shoes..My precious sister in law is a 20 year survivor of one of the worst forms of bc...sarcoma.....she keeps telling me I will find what works for me and she's right!

I wish you peace in your quest......

life is too short to worry
life is too short to worry about what might happen

chenheart said:

Sweetie, it is only your
Sweetie, it is only your new normal if you make it that! You have indeed been tapped on the shoulder by your mortality, but it can just be an awareness, not a glowing beacon of doom and gloom! I am by no means a Pollyanna, I absolutely do consider recurrence, and all of the "what if's" which can loom large out there. I avoid the Internet like the proverbial plague! It is scary enough to hear the possible side effects including suicidal ideation, hives, or falling over dead from a pill which will hopefully help us not be depressed or help us sleep! Half of the TV ads make me want to live with insomnia and sadness! The unregulated internet feeds into the fear we all have, and exacerbates it! My oncologist wisely said that Satistics don't count when they have our name on them; and that one statement got me through many a tough day during treatment. Our own KathiM was given 6 months to live having rectal cancer, and then she was diagnosed with Breast~ she just celebrated 5 years cancer free of the rectal cancer, and 3 of the breast! I may have those exact dates wrong, but I am close! She is leaving on a cruise with her sweetie this week, and then on to Holland, where they spend nearly half of the year...we really do get to live Life After Cancer! We swim wih dolphins, we zip line, we get married, we see our grandchildren, we karaoke sing, we dye our hair red, we make love, decorate Christmas trees, we write books go 4 wheeling, we travel. Oh yeah, we argue with our signifcant others, we get cranky, we run out of money before we run out of month, we are defiant, or kind, or forgetful, or overly concerned~ we are HUMAN!

Don't let the "what if's" run your life...even of all of the things you are reading are indeed true ( which I doubt) does reading about them increase you life-span and its joy and opportnities to participate? Or does it just make you want to curl up in a ball and wait for the "inevitable". Go out with gusto~ find a dream and live it! Or, snuggle next to your husband and watch TV together; it is all good. The other shoe which is waiting to drop in time does stop being a steel toed combat boot and it becomes a soft, leather, baby shoe. We are truly always aware of what brought us to these boards, but we can indeed have a signifcant and meaningful life not because of cancer, but in spite of it.

HUGS! You are a Kindred Spirit to a large sisterhood!

Chen♥

Amen to that Chen!!
My first year,I worried a lot! I just passed my 2 year mark this Sept. and I am happy to say that I'm living life and enjoying it-I am aware that I have to be aware and that I will have to be that way for the rest of my life,but I have learned(I think) to be aware yet still try to enjoy life to the fullest with every waking thought not having to be about cancer.
Life is still good-to anyone who is struggling,I hope that you will find that to be true!

chenheart said:

Sweetie, it is only your
Sweetie, it is only your new normal if you make it that! You have indeed been tapped on the shoulder by your mortality, but it can just be an awareness, not a glowing beacon of doom and gloom! I am by no means a Pollyanna, I absolutely do consider recurrence, and all of the "what if's" which can loom large out there. I avoid the Internet like the proverbial plague! It is scary enough to hear the possible side effects including suicidal ideation, hives, or falling over dead from a pill which will hopefully help us not be depressed or help us sleep! Half of the TV ads make me want to live with insomnia and sadness! The unregulated internet feeds into the fear we all have, and exacerbates it! My oncologist wisely said that Satistics don't count when they have our name on them; and that one statement got me through many a tough day during treatment. Our own KathiM was given 6 months to live having rectal cancer, and then she was diagnosed with Breast~ she just celebrated 5 years cancer free of the rectal cancer, and 3 of the breast! I may have those exact dates wrong, but I am close! She is leaving on a cruise with her sweetie this week, and then on to Holland, where they spend nearly half of the year...we really do get to live Life After Cancer! We swim wih dolphins, we zip line, we get married, we see our grandchildren, we karaoke sing, we dye our hair red, we make love, decorate Christmas trees, we write books go 4 wheeling, we travel. Oh yeah, we argue with our signifcant others, we get cranky, we run out of money before we run out of month, we are defiant, or kind, or forgetful, or overly concerned~ we are HUMAN!

Don't let the "what if's" run your life...even of all of the things you are reading are indeed true ( which I doubt) does reading about them increase you life-span and its joy and opportnities to participate? Or does it just make you want to curl up in a ball and wait for the "inevitable". Go out with gusto~ find a dream and live it! Or, snuggle next to your husband and watch TV together; it is all good. The other shoe which is waiting to drop in time does stop being a steel toed combat boot and it becomes a soft, leather, baby shoe. We are truly always aware of what brought us to these boards, but we can indeed have a signifcant and meaningful life not because of cancer, but in spite of it.

HUGS! You are a Kindred Spirit to a large sisterhood!

Chen♥

Great advice
Amen!
Hugs - Pat

CR1954 said:

Moving on...
Dear heart....time. You need to give it time. A dx in June is such a short time ago. Just because you are now done with active treatment, does not mean that it is over just yet. I'm afraid the fear of recurrance will probably always be there, but you will eventually get to a point where your cancer will not always be hogging center stage.
It will happen gradually....so gradually that you probably won't even notice. It will just occur to you one day that you had not thought about cancer for several hours...woohoo! Those hours will eventually turn into a day or maybe even two.
Slowly...ever so slowly, you will find that thoughts of life are replacing thoughts of cancer. You'll smile...and you will live your life to its fullest!

It just takes time...

Hugs,

CR

CR, I couldn't agree more.
CR, I couldn't agree more. It's almost like life starts to sneak up on you, and the cancer isn't consuming all of your attention. It's a great feeling; it just takes time.

Joyce