why can't I move on

crselby
crselby Member Posts: 441
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Veteran cancer warriors, give me advice. Dx in June, DCIS lumpectomy surgery in July, multicatheter interstitial brachytherapy in early September, began tamoxifen early November. I'm done. But I keep researching things online for hours a day: side effects of tamoxifen, recurrance rates for DCIS, etc. My husband would prefer I sit and watch TV with him in the evenings but here I am on the computer. Help. Am I supposed to be back to normal yet? Is this my 'new' normal? I don't like to be this way.
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Comments

  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    I completely understand.
    I was diagnosed in Feb., surgery in late March, radiation finished in Aug. I'm done with the physical treatments, but I'm not done adjusting to this life changing event. I can't tell you how many books I've read on related events and spend lots of time on the internet.

    So what! It is what I need to do for as long as I need to do it. It hasn't even been a year since my diagnosis so my family will just have to understand that I'm still in flux. I am not just trying to deal with my diagnosis, I'm dealing with the realization that it could come back so I'm studying all I can to keep that from happening.

    Please be patient with yourself. It is all part of the process.

    Roseann
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    New normal
    I was also diagnosed in June - had a lumpectomy in July, a bilateral in August, finished radiation in November and just started tamoxifen.

    I spend time every day on the computer checking this forum, looking up side effects and wondering if I am doing all I can at this point. I am better than I was about spending a lot of time looking things up, but it may just be because I am back to work full time and just started taking classes again.

    Don't beat yourself up about it - just go with the flow. I would say if you worry about being online too much each evening, you might want to set a timer or something so there is an "end point" and you can spend time with your husband. I think we all owe it to ourselves to be up to date on the latest research, side effects and treatments available so we can make informed decisions. I enjoy reading the jokes on this forum and trying to help out others if I can with my experience so I try to check in at least once per day.
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    Wolfi said:

    New normal
    I was also diagnosed in June - had a lumpectomy in July, a bilateral in August, finished radiation in November and just started tamoxifen.

    I spend time every day on the computer checking this forum, looking up side effects and wondering if I am doing all I can at this point. I am better than I was about spending a lot of time looking things up, but it may just be because I am back to work full time and just started taking classes again.

    Don't beat yourself up about it - just go with the flow. I would say if you worry about being online too much each evening, you might want to set a timer or something so there is an "end point" and you can spend time with your husband. I think we all owe it to ourselves to be up to date on the latest research, side effects and treatments available so we can make informed decisions. I enjoy reading the jokes on this forum and trying to help out others if I can with my experience so I try to check in at least once per day.

    Yes, this is the new
    Yes, this is the new normal...
  • LadyParvati
    LadyParvati Member Posts: 328
    I'm terrified that I'll do
    I'm terrified that I'll do the same thing! I've heard that it's really hard to move on after treatment. I also hope that I can keep from becoming completely monofocused as I'm receiving treatment, but so far it has been pretty difficult. I can really understand why each of you has found it difficult--the cancer becomes omnipresent in our lives--how can we NOT think about it?

    What is one thing you used to really enjoy doing? Can you do that any more? Or are you even distracted from that?

    Sandy
  • mbedwards
    mbedwards Member Posts: 1
    I understand and wonder . . .
    I was diagnosed on June 11,2009, completed radiation on September 11th and started tamaxofen on September 12th. Stage 1, invasive tubular cancer. Realize that I am so blessed to have found it early and am healing well physically. Emotionally, though, I am a mess. Had been taking Welbutrin for mild depression and had to discontinue because of conflict with tamoxafen. My husband was a wonderful support, but I feel detached from him and our precious children, 9 and 7. My temper is short, I'm resentful, I'm tired, I'm angry. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I'm hurt if they act like nothing has changed. Ready to move on and feel stuck. Thank you for your post and letting me know that I am not alone in these feelings. Praying that God will lead us to the peace only He can provide.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Sweetie, it is only your
    Sweetie, it is only your new normal if you make it that! You have indeed been tapped on the shoulder by your mortality, but it can just be an awareness, not a glowing beacon of doom and gloom! I am by no means a Pollyanna, I absolutely do consider recurrence, and all of the "what if's" which can loom large out there. I avoid the Internet like the proverbial plague! It is scary enough to hear the possible side effects including suicidal ideation, hives, or falling over dead from a pill which will hopefully help us not be depressed or help us sleep! Half of the TV ads make me want to live with insomnia and sadness! The unregulated internet feeds into the fear we all have, and exacerbates it! My oncologist wisely said that Satistics don't count when they have our name on them; and that one statement got me through many a tough day during treatment. Our own KathiM was given 6 months to live having rectal cancer, and then she was diagnosed with Breast~ she just celebrated 5 years cancer free of the rectal cancer, and 3 of the breast! I may have those exact dates wrong, but I am close! She is leaving on a cruise with her sweetie this week, and then on to Holland, where they spend nearly half of the year...we really do get to live Life After Cancer! We swim wih dolphins, we zip line, we get married, we see our grandchildren, we karaoke sing, we dye our hair red, we make love, decorate Christmas trees, we write books go 4 wheeling, we travel. Oh yeah, we argue with our signifcant others, we get cranky, we run out of money before we run out of month, we are defiant, or kind, or forgetful, or overly concerned~ we are HUMAN!

    Don't let the "what if's" run your life...even of all of the things you are reading are indeed true ( which I doubt) does reading about them increase you life-span and its joy and opportnities to participate? Or does it just make you want to curl up in a ball and wait for the "inevitable". Go out with gusto~ find a dream and live it! Or, snuggle next to your husband and watch TV together; it is all good. The other shoe which is waiting to drop in time does stop being a steel toed combat boot and it becomes a soft, leather, baby shoe. We are truly always aware of what brought us to these boards, but we can indeed have a signifcant and meaningful life not because of cancer, but in spite of it.

    HUGS! You are a Kindred Spirit to a large sisterhood!

    Chen♥
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    chenheart said:

    Sweetie, it is only your
    Sweetie, it is only your new normal if you make it that! You have indeed been tapped on the shoulder by your mortality, but it can just be an awareness, not a glowing beacon of doom and gloom! I am by no means a Pollyanna, I absolutely do consider recurrence, and all of the "what if's" which can loom large out there. I avoid the Internet like the proverbial plague! It is scary enough to hear the possible side effects including suicidal ideation, hives, or falling over dead from a pill which will hopefully help us not be depressed or help us sleep! Half of the TV ads make me want to live with insomnia and sadness! The unregulated internet feeds into the fear we all have, and exacerbates it! My oncologist wisely said that Satistics don't count when they have our name on them; and that one statement got me through many a tough day during treatment. Our own KathiM was given 6 months to live having rectal cancer, and then she was diagnosed with Breast~ she just celebrated 5 years cancer free of the rectal cancer, and 3 of the breast! I may have those exact dates wrong, but I am close! She is leaving on a cruise with her sweetie this week, and then on to Holland, where they spend nearly half of the year...we really do get to live Life After Cancer! We swim wih dolphins, we zip line, we get married, we see our grandchildren, we karaoke sing, we dye our hair red, we make love, decorate Christmas trees, we write books go 4 wheeling, we travel. Oh yeah, we argue with our signifcant others, we get cranky, we run out of money before we run out of month, we are defiant, or kind, or forgetful, or overly concerned~ we are HUMAN!

    Don't let the "what if's" run your life...even of all of the things you are reading are indeed true ( which I doubt) does reading about them increase you life-span and its joy and opportnities to participate? Or does it just make you want to curl up in a ball and wait for the "inevitable". Go out with gusto~ find a dream and live it! Or, snuggle next to your husband and watch TV together; it is all good. The other shoe which is waiting to drop in time does stop being a steel toed combat boot and it becomes a soft, leather, baby shoe. We are truly always aware of what brought us to these boards, but we can indeed have a signifcant and meaningful life not because of cancer, but in spite of it.

    HUGS! You are a Kindred Spirit to a large sisterhood!

    Chen♥

    Chen said it all
    It's not easy. I was DX in April, Surgery in June, Chemo started in July, Just finished chemo have to continue with Herceptin, starting rads soon. We have to move forward, there is no where else to go.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    It's very normal...the aftermath of MAJOR stress....
    It's a sort of grieving for your old life...and with grieving, it turns and turns within a circle of behaviors till finally you feel comfortable about saying 'enough'. It's ok, and everyone is different as to how long it takes.

    There was a time when I was the 'Joan of Arc of cancer' as my beau called me. I volunteered for everything that I could find. Slowly, I started saying 'no' to things, and then, one day I realized that I don't need to tell everyone about my journey (unless in playing the 'cancer card' I get some goodies...like the Komen race, etc....ROFL!). I still support when asked, but it is no longer a quest for me....my life has come back...

    Through it all, even tho my beau would have rathered I leave it behind me, I was honest with him and said 'I'm not ready yet. I love you, but I must do this right now'.

    Hugs, Kathi
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    Hi crselby
    I totally agree with Chen...I would stay away from the internet. The internet scares me to death. I would rather be here and get my support and answers from these fine ladies and talk with oncology rather than worry about the what ifs. This disease has taken too much time out of my life, I dont want to give it any more of my life.

    Hang in there

    Linda T
  • jbug
    jbug Member Posts: 285
    The future...
    I think this anticipated future is one of the saddest/hardest parts for me to even think about. I'm still new to this game, but I know that the rest of my life will ALWAYS be, in some way, about bc! I hate that! Like i said, i'm too new in the game to be where you are, but i appreciate your sharing and the posts that followed. Thanks Chen for your especially encouraging words...i'm sure i'll have to come back and read them again and again in the future.
  • LadyParvati
    LadyParvati Member Posts: 328
    chenheart said:

    Sweetie, it is only your
    Sweetie, it is only your new normal if you make it that! You have indeed been tapped on the shoulder by your mortality, but it can just be an awareness, not a glowing beacon of doom and gloom! I am by no means a Pollyanna, I absolutely do consider recurrence, and all of the "what if's" which can loom large out there. I avoid the Internet like the proverbial plague! It is scary enough to hear the possible side effects including suicidal ideation, hives, or falling over dead from a pill which will hopefully help us not be depressed or help us sleep! Half of the TV ads make me want to live with insomnia and sadness! The unregulated internet feeds into the fear we all have, and exacerbates it! My oncologist wisely said that Satistics don't count when they have our name on them; and that one statement got me through many a tough day during treatment. Our own KathiM was given 6 months to live having rectal cancer, and then she was diagnosed with Breast~ she just celebrated 5 years cancer free of the rectal cancer, and 3 of the breast! I may have those exact dates wrong, but I am close! She is leaving on a cruise with her sweetie this week, and then on to Holland, where they spend nearly half of the year...we really do get to live Life After Cancer! We swim wih dolphins, we zip line, we get married, we see our grandchildren, we karaoke sing, we dye our hair red, we make love, decorate Christmas trees, we write books go 4 wheeling, we travel. Oh yeah, we argue with our signifcant others, we get cranky, we run out of money before we run out of month, we are defiant, or kind, or forgetful, or overly concerned~ we are HUMAN!

    Don't let the "what if's" run your life...even of all of the things you are reading are indeed true ( which I doubt) does reading about them increase you life-span and its joy and opportnities to participate? Or does it just make you want to curl up in a ball and wait for the "inevitable". Go out with gusto~ find a dream and live it! Or, snuggle next to your husband and watch TV together; it is all good. The other shoe which is waiting to drop in time does stop being a steel toed combat boot and it becomes a soft, leather, baby shoe. We are truly always aware of what brought us to these boards, but we can indeed have a signifcant and meaningful life not because of cancer, but in spite of it.

    HUGS! You are a Kindred Spirit to a large sisterhood!

    Chen♥

    Chen, you are AWESOME.
    Chen, you are AWESOME. AMAZING. You are keeping all of us going, helping us keep our spirits up, loving us and giving us warm embraces when we're down . . .

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Sandy
  • crselby
    crselby Member Posts: 441

    Chen, you are AWESOME.
    Chen, you are AWESOME. AMAZING. You are keeping all of us going, helping us keep our spirits up, loving us and giving us warm embraces when we're down . . .

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Sandy

    wise words
    ChenHeart, your point of view is just what I need to hear. I will copy and paste your post into my Cancer Journal to be reread as needed. You don't, by chance, attend Unity, do you?
    Connie
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    You won't stay the way you
    You won't stay the way you are; none of us do. You are trying to make sense of what is happening to your body in every way you can. It helps us to feel like we have a little control back after a lot of chaos! Plus, each of us has some grieving to do. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a best friend. You are moving on, in your own way. xoxoxoxo Lynn
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159

    Chen, you are AWESOME.
    Chen, you are AWESOME. AMAZING. You are keeping all of us going, helping us keep our spirits up, loving us and giving us warm embraces when we're down . . .

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Sandy

    Thank you for your kind
    Thank you for your kind words~none of us, including myself, wanted to find ourselves here. But as long as we are, I hope that some of the things I write, coupled with my own life experience help connect us as Kindred Spirits as we walk this path.

    Hugs,
    C♥
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    crselby said:

    wise words
    ChenHeart, your point of view is just what I need to hear. I will copy and paste your post into my Cancer Journal to be reread as needed. You don't, by chance, attend Unity, do you?
    Connie

    No, I don't attend
    No, I don't attend Unity...is this something I should perhaps know about? What is it?

    Hugs,
    C♥
  • sausageroll
    sausageroll Member Posts: 415
    lynn1950 said:

    You won't stay the way you
    You won't stay the way you are; none of us do. You are trying to make sense of what is happening to your body in every way you can. It helps us to feel like we have a little control back after a lot of chaos! Plus, each of us has some grieving to do. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a best friend. You are moving on, in your own way. xoxoxoxo Lynn

    Chen
    I have just read your reply Chen. I have always thought that you were a fantastic writer and this makes me think so even more. Have you ever tried writing professionally?

    Of course, I agree with Chen and others. Stay away from the internet! Enjoy every new day with all the energy you have. My OH has ahd 2 cancers. One was diagnosed about 12 years ago. he was given 3 years maximum to live and there was no cure(then anyway) He never touched the internet and believed whatever his doctors did for him was the best. He is still with me and incredibly fit. He is 66 and climbed Mt Whitney this year...went trekking in Nepal and returns to trek in the Everest region this March. the day he was diagnosed, he went out and bought himself the car he had dreamed of owning all his life. He enjoys everyday to it's fullest. Yes, he had his down times...but I only tell you this, because cancer can sometimes be a wake up call to do the things we have ignored for so long. Go and watch the TV with your husband and enjoy his company. Good luck. I will be thinking of you.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    lynn1950 said:

    You won't stay the way you
    You won't stay the way you are; none of us do. You are trying to make sense of what is happening to your body in every way you can. It helps us to feel like we have a little control back after a lot of chaos! Plus, each of us has some grieving to do. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a best friend. You are moving on, in your own way. xoxoxoxo Lynn

    The first time Ihad cancer I
    The first time Ihad cancer I just wanted to be free of the treatments, I was anxious but did not have that feeling like I needed treatment to feel more in control as some people do. I find the internet scary and am very limited on what i can handle. I also suffered from PTSD from the experience and sought treatment and still see someone. it keeps me sane. The best thing you can do is to live a healthy life, exersize weight etcc that is what you can control. and we feel so out of control sometimes. When Iwas really anxious I would distract get busy, and my mantra was "today is all I have and today I do not know/have cancer back" Listen to chen she is wise. I was cancer free for 15 years but got a new primary.
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    carkris said:

    The first time Ihad cancer I
    The first time Ihad cancer I just wanted to be free of the treatments, I was anxious but did not have that feeling like I needed treatment to feel more in control as some people do. I find the internet scary and am very limited on what i can handle. I also suffered from PTSD from the experience and sought treatment and still see someone. it keeps me sane. The best thing you can do is to live a healthy life, exersize weight etcc that is what you can control. and we feel so out of control sometimes. When Iwas really anxious I would distract get busy, and my mantra was "today is all I have and today I do not know/have cancer back" Listen to chen she is wise. I was cancer free for 15 years but got a new primary.

    I Wonder
    I wonder if you ever get 'Over' this..........After diagnosis it takes over your life......And then some. Every morning you awake feeling OK, then a twinge of pain...Ohohhhhhhh I had / Have cancer?...........Every little thing is a mountain, I can't help thinking like this.
    I research constantly too, I think that is normal, but I only go to recognised sites...Hopkins and Here... I hear the truth. I hope.
    I live in fear..........but I live.

    Hugs to you all Jxxxxxxxxxxx
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    tasha_111 said:

    I Wonder
    I wonder if you ever get 'Over' this..........After diagnosis it takes over your life......And then some. Every morning you awake feeling OK, then a twinge of pain...Ohohhhhhhh I had / Have cancer?...........Every little thing is a mountain, I can't help thinking like this.
    I research constantly too, I think that is normal, but I only go to recognised sites...Hopkins and Here... I hear the truth. I hope.
    I live in fear..........but I live.

    Hugs to you all Jxxxxxxxxxxx

    having been this route
    having been this route before I can tell you it gets way better.but you are forever changed. Ihave said this before but my retired surgeon said it is tincture of time. There will come a time when it willnot always be in the front of your mind but more the back. You may think that sympton may be cancer but you are able to sort it out better. That instant panic doesnt set in. but it doesnt happen right away, life just takes over and you become more confident with each good appointment. This coming from the MOST anxious person on the planet. Its a constant conversation you have with yourself. Then you will have a test or a biopsy and it will come back. It is always a chronic illness in the sense that you have to consider it, hopefully just mentally and not physically. Your life is not the same as before cancer but it can be great. I have raised my daughters ,still am. My life was not ruined. just more complicated.
  • jk1952
    jk1952 Member Posts: 613
    tasha_111 said:

    I Wonder
    I wonder if you ever get 'Over' this..........After diagnosis it takes over your life......And then some. Every morning you awake feeling OK, then a twinge of pain...Ohohhhhhhh I had / Have cancer?...........Every little thing is a mountain, I can't help thinking like this.
    I research constantly too, I think that is normal, but I only go to recognised sites...Hopkins and Here... I hear the truth. I hope.
    I live in fear..........but I live.

    Hugs to you all Jxxxxxxxxxxx

    Listen to Chen: her post was
    Listen to Chen: her post was outstanding. There is a life after cancer: even though at times you feel like that's all you can think about. I have those days, but on a whole, I've tried to move past my fears and reclaim my life. It's not always easy, and it's the little things that often bring back the fears.

    Try to do some of the things that brought you pleasure before BC. If you feel glued to your computer, try some things like Facebook. I have a few friends that are csn sisters, and it's really great getting to know them in the non-cancer world. Although social networking hadn't been a big part of my life before my diagnosis, it does provide relaxation when my mind can't concentrate on other activities.

    Joyce