Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer
Comments
-
Lisa
I am not quite where you are, but almost. My partner was just awful through my treatment and even my so called recovery. He had just lost his Mum to cancer when I was dxd..He blamed me, left me, charged me for taking me for treatments, got all religeous on me: "You deserve cancer because you come from a family of heathens, who don't go to church on a sunday".....? Like 'He' ever did?
I am still with him and we are trying to rebuild, Maybe this is not possible. I understand you wanting to be honest and not lead a perspective long-term relationship down the garden path. I really am mainly still with him because I moved from england to canada to be with him, there is nobody else here apart from HIS family.
Maybe you are being a bit too honest, a bit too early? Or are they just that shallow?
That 'C' word really scares the heck out of people, I play it down so much now, you's think it was a dose of measles......."Yeah, well, I once had a cancer scare, But I'm fine now....." sort of thing.
Hope this helps......NooooOf course it won't.....But at 42 you are way to young to think about being alone......The cancer was a glitch.. I bet you have loads going for you, and you are still the same person as you were before......
Only, this time, don't choose an insensitive Twit!
Huge Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
Divorced, cancer survivor
Hi Lisa, Im also 42, divorced and dating, and I like you seem to find that once I mention that Im a cancer survivor, men pull away. Is it that they are shallow, or dont want to start something that may end due to cancer? I dont hide the fact I fought cancer, Im only 7 months from my last treatment, so I still have side effects to deal with, and I just dont hide my fight. I have recently met a man, who I have gone out with several times, he asked me about my scar on the side of my nose and I didnt want to tell him, was trying to think of something to say that would be cool or funny to say about it, then decided I had to just tell him. I told him a short version of my cancer battle. Normally thats when the date gets uncomfortable and ends quicker and I never hear from them again. But instead he put his arm around my waist and smiled and said your a strong woman to go through that and stand here smiling like it was just a bad day at the office, he just gave me a hug and smiled. Hasnt mentioned it since. I talk to him everyday. I dont know if it will go anywhere, and plan to just take one day at a time, but he was the first to not run. Its hard enough dating healthy, add Cancer to you dating resume and you weed out the jerks really quik LOL. Maybe its a good thing they run in the beginning and not when your heart is vested.
We should create a dating service, "Hot Cancer Survivors" lol..0 -
Lisa and SirenSIRENAF42 said:Divorced, cancer survivor
Hi Lisa, Im also 42, divorced and dating, and I like you seem to find that once I mention that Im a cancer survivor, men pull away. Is it that they are shallow, or dont want to start something that may end due to cancer? I dont hide the fact I fought cancer, Im only 7 months from my last treatment, so I still have side effects to deal with, and I just dont hide my fight. I have recently met a man, who I have gone out with several times, he asked me about my scar on the side of my nose and I didnt want to tell him, was trying to think of something to say that would be cool or funny to say about it, then decided I had to just tell him. I told him a short version of my cancer battle. Normally thats when the date gets uncomfortable and ends quicker and I never hear from them again. But instead he put his arm around my waist and smiled and said your a strong woman to go through that and stand here smiling like it was just a bad day at the office, he just gave me a hug and smiled. Hasnt mentioned it since. I talk to him everyday. I dont know if it will go anywhere, and plan to just take one day at a time, but he was the first to not run. Its hard enough dating healthy, add Cancer to you dating resume and you weed out the jerks really quik LOL. Maybe its a good thing they run in the beginning and not when your heart is vested.
We should create a dating service, "Hot Cancer Survivors" lol..
I absolutely commend you for going out there and dating again! That's brave. But then again, fighting cancer ain't no small thing either. :-) I guess if you have "conquered" cancer that most things are possible. STRONG WOMEN! Sometimes, that's scary to men. I agree that perhaps it would be better to ease into the cancer info rather than being upfront about it. I find my cancer battle a very personal and private thing. And I think it's a privilege for anyone to know about it. So, if you frame it like that, then perhaps you can wait until the second or third date before you share such personal, sensitive information.
I might be facing the dating world (operative word: MIGHT) in a few months. I'm heading towards the end of the cancer battle (remission around the corner, fingers crossed). And while my boyfriend stuck with me through it all, I'm feeling distance and sort of an impatience in him that may lead to parting ways. This I'm not looking forward to because I think that cancer is just the first part of the battle, living with and contending with the longer side effects of chemo is another. So, it would be nice if he stuck around for that (the "stretch" as I call it). But who knows?
The prospect of going out there again and dating is a daunting one for me. So, kudos to you ladies! And good luck out there. There must be strong MEN floating about in the world.
best,
c0 -
MENambientbeats said:Lisa and Siren
I absolutely commend you for going out there and dating again! That's brave. But then again, fighting cancer ain't no small thing either. :-) I guess if you have "conquered" cancer that most things are possible. STRONG WOMEN! Sometimes, that's scary to men. I agree that perhaps it would be better to ease into the cancer info rather than being upfront about it. I find my cancer battle a very personal and private thing. And I think it's a privilege for anyone to know about it. So, if you frame it like that, then perhaps you can wait until the second or third date before you share such personal, sensitive information.
I might be facing the dating world (operative word: MIGHT) in a few months. I'm heading towards the end of the cancer battle (remission around the corner, fingers crossed). And while my boyfriend stuck with me through it all, I'm feeling distance and sort of an impatience in him that may lead to parting ways. This I'm not looking forward to because I think that cancer is just the first part of the battle, living with and contending with the longer side effects of chemo is another. So, it would be nice if he stuck around for that (the "stretch" as I call it). But who knows?
The prospect of going out there again and dating is a daunting one for me. So, kudos to you ladies! And good luck out there. There must be strong MEN floating about in the world.
best,
c
Well crap, I am a man. And like I tell my daughters "men are all dogs". We sniff around looking for a free meal. We head to the garbage sometimes as its easy and we don't have to perform tricks or get attached to a food bowl. We run away when we get a chance and chase everything in town. And when we get hit by a car we don't stay away from the road. We try to bite every car that comes down the road. Its a much harder struggle in life finding that dog that is faithful and deserving of your love. If a man is so shallow that cancer or a disability bothers him then you don't want him anyway. I can't imagine how bad of a relationship that would be over the long run. There are men out there that will embrace the fine qualities you have to offer. The wisdom you gained during your struggle with cancer and your ability to enjoy even the smallest things in life. And that man will learn how lucky he is to have found such a strong woman with a huge giving heart. If I was single I would come here looking for a woman that loves life and enjoys each day she has been given. It would be hard to find a woman anywhere else with a greater appreciation of life. You are all quite special to me. Slickwilly0 -
The very thought of dating scares the hell out of me!
Lisa,
I've been through the post-divorced dating scene and find the thought of "putting myself out there" again terrifying. If, after having been through both cancer and divorce, you still have the courage to venture into the unknown, you are a much stronger and adventurous person than I.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Ah, Men...terato said:The very thought of dating scares the hell out of me!
Lisa,
I've been through the post-divorced dating scene and find the thought of "putting myself out there" again terrifying. If, after having been through both cancer and divorce, you still have the courage to venture into the unknown, you are a much stronger and adventurous person than I.
Love and Courage!
Rick
Hi girls,
I'm not in your shoes (have a wonderful, supportive husband) but if I were, I wouldn't "settle" for anything but the best. There are men out there that will walk a tight-rope for you, just give it time. Rick and Slickwilly are two of the greatest guys I've ever met and if they can see the beauty in a woman with cancer, so can many other men.
Please don't give up; you're relatively new to the post-cancer world and it can be very scary. I am praying that you will find "Mr. Wonderful" and have the comfort of true love and life-long companionship. I can't even accept that there are no men willing to get to know a strong, compassionate, beautiful woman who has been through the battle that you have and come out a winner.
Guys, please say it ain't so....
Hollyberry0 -
Your husband is a very lucky man!hollyberry said:Ah, Men...
Hi girls,
I'm not in your shoes (have a wonderful, supportive husband) but if I were, I wouldn't "settle" for anything but the best. There are men out there that will walk a tight-rope for you, just give it time. Rick and Slickwilly are two of the greatest guys I've ever met and if they can see the beauty in a woman with cancer, so can many other men.
Please don't give up; you're relatively new to the post-cancer world and it can be very scary. I am praying that you will find "Mr. Wonderful" and have the comfort of true love and life-long companionship. I can't even accept that there are no men willing to get to know a strong, compassionate, beautiful woman who has been through the battle that you have and come out a winner.
Guys, please say it ain't so....
Hollyberry
Holly,
I am very appreciative of your kudos, plaudits, and accolades. Cancer and dating is just as frightening for men as it is for women, especially if it involves the male sexual organs. Being candid about issues such as sterility or "dry" ejaculations can put the brakes on any promising relationship (and, believe me, I've been there). I found it more comfortable just to refrain from dating and settle into a safe secure routine. Besides, I no longer have the funds for wining and dining beyond an occasional sandwich out with friends.
So, there you have it. Men have similar anxieties and insecurities where dating is concerned. But, sometimes, just when you stop looking, that's when you find, or rather, that special person finds you!
Let's keep our collective fingers crossed for those of us who haven't found what you and your husband have.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
From Our Lips to God's Earsterato said:Your husband is a very lucky man!
Holly,
I am very appreciative of your kudos, plaudits, and accolades. Cancer and dating is just as frightening for men as it is for women, especially if it involves the male sexual organs. Being candid about issues such as sterility or "dry" ejaculations can put the brakes on any promising relationship (and, believe me, I've been there). I found it more comfortable just to refrain from dating and settle into a safe secure routine. Besides, I no longer have the funds for wining and dining beyond an occasional sandwich out with friends.
So, there you have it. Men have similar anxieties and insecurities where dating is concerned. But, sometimes, just when you stop looking, that's when you find, or rather, that special person finds you!
Let's keep our collective fingers crossed for those of us who haven't found what you and your husband have.
Love and Courage!
Rick
Rick,
I am always amazed at your courage and honesty. I,too, have some of the same issues from my rectal surgeries. Thankfully, my husband is patient and I am determined (so I need an extra pain-killer on those "special occasion").I try to keep the "fun" in sexual dysfunction!!
I am just a die-hard optimist, I guess. I feel the strength, courage and beauty in so many cancer-survivors and I just can't fathom that being a deficit in anyone's mind. Call me crazy but aren't we all going to experience some form of illness in our lives? Don't people in the dating world understand the certainty that we will all end up facing death at some point? If a man (or woman for that matter) can't see the value of experience and learned compassion of a person who's been through this battle then they don't deserve the chance to be a prospect for these girls!
And, by the way, if I were single, I'd be knocking on your door right now; be very glad, my friend, that I have someone to occupy my time-LOL!!
Lots of Love,
Holly0 -
woof woof
i told my daughter the samething slickwilly told his. men are dogs. if, if, if, you can get one who decides to stay you still have to train us the way you want us, not the way our mothers raised us. lol. in my late teens i realized that smart strong ladies were the better long term choice. truthfully some boys can't stand the idea of someone like that. they need the a weak one so they can remain in control and not be seen as equal to or less than her. i have a strong daughter and i have told her before about a boyfriend that he wasn't man enough for her. it took a while before she understood. now she runs them off like a stray dog in the wrong yard. it took a while but i got a strong smart woman and it is a blessing to live with one.0 -
Thanks to All of You!!!!!
I cried reading each one of your replies, because ya'll understand. I feel such a relief in knowing that there are people who can understand and listened to what I'm feeling. And I'm happy to tell ya'll that I had a lunch date today with a really nice man. One day at a time, we'll see how it goes. At least he didn't go running in the opposite direction. After ya'll replies and today's lunch date, I feel hopeful again. I appreciate ya'll and wish the best for all of you too. Ya'll are right, we will find the right person, when the time is right. And ya'll are also right, if he can't take the fact that I have had cancer and so far 5 years cancer free (have to take tests) then he's not worth it and doesn't deserve me. People need to realize, "We didn't choose cancer, it chose Us." Thanks again to all of you , ya'll have made my day and this dating process easier for me.
Hugs, love, and luck to everyone,
Lisa0 -
GreatLisaD67 said:Thanks to All of You!!!!!
I cried reading each one of your replies, because ya'll understand. I feel such a relief in knowing that there are people who can understand and listened to what I'm feeling. And I'm happy to tell ya'll that I had a lunch date today with a really nice man. One day at a time, we'll see how it goes. At least he didn't go running in the opposite direction. After ya'll replies and today's lunch date, I feel hopeful again. I appreciate ya'll and wish the best for all of you too. Ya'll are right, we will find the right person, when the time is right. And ya'll are also right, if he can't take the fact that I have had cancer and so far 5 years cancer free (have to take tests) then he's not worth it and doesn't deserve me. People need to realize, "We didn't choose cancer, it chose Us." Thanks again to all of you , ya'll have made my day and this dating process easier for me.
Hugs, love, and luck to everyone,
Lisa
Lisa. I am so glad that you have moved into the dating arena again. There is no doubt that you have alot to offer the right man when he comes along. Take it slow. You have every right to be treated with the respect you deserve. If a man is too lazy to open a door or complains about having to wait while you put on makeup to look better for him, then kick him out the door. If he does not treat you with respect now, you will be a doormat later. Holy I am sounding like a father again ha ha. Good luck Lisa. I hope only for the best in your future. Slickwilly0 -
Some guys are crazy
well have just started down the road and am exsperiencing the same thing since march, people seem to run scared at the C word or Chemo, am single no kids never married now and i see the same like the ladies on here people i were seeing are shrinking away like i have the plague so what do you do everyone needs some personal support ,hang in there ladies all of us guys are not that way /Tim in North Fl0 -
Date and C wordtim4343 said:Some guys are crazy
well have just started down the road and am exsperiencing the same thing since march, people seem to run scared at the C word or Chemo, am single no kids never married now and i see the same like the ladies on here people i were seeing are shrinking away like i have the plague so what do you do everyone needs some personal support ,hang in there ladies all of us guys are not that way /Tim in North Fl
Well I have officially been dating my current boyfried for a couple months. I originally told him about my cancer in the beginning and hadnt mentioned it since. He was complaining about his sinus's, and I told him I know all about sinus problems and suggested he try using a sinus rinse to help alleviate his congestion. He looked at me and said so you have sinus problems huh.... I think I starred at him for what seemed like forever... and said "You remember I told you I had sinus cancer right".. he returned the deer in head light stare and believe it or not he said "I thought you were just messing with me" HAHAHA as if I would tease about cancer. So I sat him down, pulled out the photo album and made sure he understood it this time. He got the long story, not the short abbreviated one I gave him the first time. After he realized what exactly I had been through he apolgized, gave me a hug and told me I was one heck of a strong woman. I think I am still in shock that he thought I was kidding.. or maybe he just didnt want to hear it the first time. Now lets see if there is a date this weekend....ohh funny times
0 -
Grateful!!slickwilly said:Great
Lisa. I am so glad that you have moved into the dating arena again. There is no doubt that you have alot to offer the right man when he comes along. Take it slow. You have every right to be treated with the respect you deserve. If a man is too lazy to open a door or complains about having to wait while you put on makeup to look better for him, then kick him out the door. If he does not treat you with respect now, you will be a doormat later. Holy I am sounding like a father again ha ha. Good luck Lisa. I hope only for the best in your future. Slickwilly
Slickwilly you are awesome. Thank you for the advice and all the nice things you said. Both my parents have passed away and I didn't want to put added pressure on my son and daughter, even though they are adults. They are strong and overprotective of me, but have enough to deal with, me and starting their lives. So, thankfully I turned to ya'll, my friends. And I will take it slow, because I do want the door opened for me, etc. and most of all respect. Thank you again. I so glad to have met you. Good luck to you too. Lisa0 -
Hi!tim4343 said:Some guys are crazy
well have just started down the road and am exsperiencing the same thing since march, people seem to run scared at the C word or Chemo, am single no kids never married now and i see the same like the ladies on here people i were seeing are shrinking away like i have the plague so what do you do everyone needs some personal support ,hang in there ladies all of us guys are not that way /Tim in North Fl
Hi Tim nice to meet you. Read and take the advice of the all these people, correction my friends. Because of them, I feel I have hope of meeting someone. I was ready to give up and got onto the discussion board and met the most wonderful people. I know not all men are that way, it's just that everyone I met was. Mention cancer and they were off and running. It wonderful to meet a man like you. And now I have a new friend. Good luck to you. Lisa0 -
Hi SirenaSIRENAF42 said:Date and C word
Well I have officially been dating my current boyfried for a couple months. I originally told him about my cancer in the beginning and hadnt mentioned it since. He was complaining about his sinus's, and I told him I know all about sinus problems and suggested he try using a sinus rinse to help alleviate his congestion. He looked at me and said so you have sinus problems huh.... I think I starred at him for what seemed like forever... and said "You remember I told you I had sinus cancer right".. he returned the deer in head light stare and believe it or not he said "I thought you were just messing with me" HAHAHA as if I would tease about cancer. So I sat him down, pulled out the photo album and made sure he understood it this time. He got the long story, not the short abbreviated one I gave him the first time. After he realized what exactly I had been through he apolgized, gave me a hug and told me I was one heck of a strong woman. I think I am still in shock that he thought I was kidding.. or maybe he just didnt want to hear it the first time. Now lets see if there is a date this weekend....ohh funny times
I don't know if it's because we're the same age or what, but I feel a bond with you. Thank you for your advice. I am so happy for you. You found what I'm looking for. Great idea pulling out the album and showing him exactly what you went through. That's how I feel. I just want to be honest and let him know what I've been through and this is a part of my life. But I'm not giving up. Yeah, this is something no one would ever joke about, I agree with you. Who knows what he was thinking when you told him the first time. I am so glad I met you and again thanks for sharing and your advice. Good luck to you. Lisa0 -
Dignity and RespectLisaD67 said:Hi!
Hi Tim nice to meet you. Read and take the advice of the all these people, correction my friends. Because of them, I feel I have hope of meeting someone. I was ready to give up and got onto the discussion board and met the most wonderful people. I know not all men are that way, it's just that everyone I met was. Mention cancer and they were off and running. It wonderful to meet a man like you. And now I have a new friend. Good luck to you. Lisa
Dear Lisa and Tim,
I hope that both of you have realized from our responses that there are so many people who understand and appreciate you. Don't ever sell yourself short- you are strong, compassionate and wonderful human beings and if someone treats you with less than the highest regard, get rid of them!!! You know that the deficit lies with them and not yourselves.
Be kind to yourselves and trust that you will find that "special" person when the time is right. You didn't come this far to give up now, did you? Of course not! You look in that mirror at home and see the fighter you are and know that anyone who ends up with you is one very lucky person!
Best of Luck to You,
Hollyberry0 -
Looking Forward..................................hollyberry said:Dignity and Respect
Dear Lisa and Tim,
I hope that both of you have realized from our responses that there are so many people who understand and appreciate you. Don't ever sell yourself short- you are strong, compassionate and wonderful human beings and if someone treats you with less than the highest regard, get rid of them!!! You know that the deficit lies with them and not yourselves.
Be kind to yourselves and trust that you will find that "special" person when the time is right. You didn't come this far to give up now, did you? Of course not! You look in that mirror at home and see the fighter you are and know that anyone who ends up with you is one very lucky person!
Best of Luck to You,
Hollyberry
Thank you hollyberry. I didn't think very much of myself before I asked for advice on divorce, starting over, and dating. I wish I had of thought of this a long time ago. I felt rejected, disrespected, and less than nothing by my ex husband. So, of course, my self-esteem and self confidence was non-existant. But thanks to all of you, I'm regaining all of this. Before I got sick I was the strong person in the family. My cancer just floored me and of course my ex and his cheating. Then starting over is hard. And dating is even harder. The things you said are so true and now my head and my heart know it. And I did what you said, I looked in the mirror and saw the fighter I've always been. So, from now on I'm Looking Forward....................... Thanks so much and Good Luck to you!0 -
Heres lots of sunshine and a smile from Florida
Well i must admit i have been bumming around since march and just asking a lot of questions about life things people and me like what did i do what did i come into contact with ?? But most of all i must admit when people sort of starting to back away it hurt but i pulled up my boot straps and came out of the swamps of north fl LOL but am a better person for all thats happening now thanks Lisa D words are always a comfort and mean more than you know right now in my case it,s a plus Tim In North Fl0
Discussion Boards
- All Discussion Boards
- 6 CSN Information
- 6 Welcome to CSN
- 121.9K Cancer specific
- 2.8K Anal Cancer
- 446 Bladder Cancer
- 309 Bone Cancers
- 1.6K Brain Cancer
- 28.5K Breast Cancer
- 398 Childhood Cancers
- 27.9K Colorectal Cancer
- 4.6K Esophageal Cancer
- 1.2K Gynecological Cancers (other than ovarian and uterine)
- 13K Head and Neck Cancer
- 6.4K Kidney Cancer
- 671 Leukemia
- 794 Liver Cancer
- 4.1K Lung Cancer
- 5.1K Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin)
- 237 Multiple Myeloma
- 7.1K Ovarian Cancer
- 63 Pancreatic Cancer
- 487 Peritoneal Cancer
- 5.5K Prostate Cancer
- 1.2K Rare and Other Cancers
- 540 Sarcoma
- 733 Skin Cancer
- 653 Stomach Cancer
- 191 Testicular Cancer
- 1.5K Thyroid Cancer
- 5.8K Uterine/Endometrial Cancer
- 6.3K Lifestyle Discussion Boards