Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer

JH32

zahalene said:

JH, if you don't mind...
You were not speaking to me in the above post but if you don't mind I would like to respond to your situation.
My 28 year marriage did not survive cancer (mine). Oh, we went on for awhile after I was out of treatment but it was not a healthy situation.
The fact was, (Oh, I am a female, forgot you can't tell that by my screen name) he just was not committed to me or the marriage unless it was providing him with what he wanted. I lost both breasts. Enuf said?
I can't comment on your wife's mind set, obviously, but when 'for better or worse' becomes about as worse as it can get, that's when the feathers hit the fan unless there is an under girding in the relationship that is strong enough to bear up under the stress.
In retrospect, I can see that he had been dissatisfied for a long time even before I got sick. But that doesn't help much after the fact. My marriage did not survive because he did not want it to, and was not willing to do the work needed to preserve it. That is really the bottom line. When a relationship is damaged it takes time and work and tears and honesty and renewed commitment to repair it. And since you are already in a fight for your life, you may not be able to find the resources to slay this dragon too. I would suggest intense professional help for the two of you. Provided you are both willing of course. Otherwise it will be an exercise in futility.
You say it would be easier if you did not love her. I understand that, believe me. Love is a commitment and some of us are just not capable of going back on our commitments. And some of us are not capable of keeping them. It is just very sad when these two types of people end up married to each other.
God bless and I really do hope you and she can work things out and come to a good place together again.

Z- I don't mind!
Zahalene-
This really is an open forum, so thank you for adding to it. I am truly sorry for what you went through, both with the cancer and your ex. I hope the cancer portion is conquered.
I read in a number of posts that 'you're better off without him/her'- but that is a hard one. I try to think that if the cancer hadn't been in the equation and she did this what would I do? I believe I'd be trying to work through it, so we are going to try now.

Did you begin to start thinking totally about what was good for you before breaking off the marriage? When I think that way and not worry about how she leads her life I think I could make it on my own. The scary part is thinking that I would be alone, for good. The reality is that if we/she can't commit to fidelity and faith then it is over. Did you try professional help? We are scheduled for counceling next week and having never gone through it not sure how helpful it can be.

I hope you have found peace, and someone else if that is what you want. Though our cancers were different I feel your pain as too what it did to our bodies. I think back to one of my last CT scan appointments and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself a mother pushing her 10 to 12 year old son in a wheel chair came around the corner. Poor kid had tubes all over, no hair and had obviously been through hell- made me realize that at worst I had 40 years of extra life than he and to look outside my self pity shell. Still doesn't take all the pain away but puts it in some perspective.
Peace to you and thanks for being honest- Jim

zahalene

JH32 said:

Z- I don't mind!
Zahalene-
This really is an open forum, so thank you for adding to it. I am truly sorry for what you went through, both with the cancer and your ex. I hope the cancer portion is conquered.
I read in a number of posts that 'you're better off without him/her'- but that is a hard one. I try to think that if the cancer hadn't been in the equation and she did this what would I do? I believe I'd be trying to work through it, so we are going to try now.

Did you begin to start thinking totally about what was good for you before breaking off the marriage? When I think that way and not worry about how she leads her life I think I could make it on my own. The scary part is thinking that I would be alone, for good. The reality is that if we/she can't commit to fidelity and faith then it is over. Did you try professional help? We are scheduled for counceling next week and having never gone through it not sure how helpful it can be.

I hope you have found peace, and someone else if that is what you want. Though our cancers were different I feel your pain as too what it did to our bodies. I think back to one of my last CT scan appointments and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself a mother pushing her 10 to 12 year old son in a wheel chair came around the corner. Poor kid had tubes all over, no hair and had obviously been through hell- made me realize that at worst I had 40 years of extra life than he and to look outside my self pity shell. Still doesn't take all the pain away but puts it in some perspective.
Peace to you and thanks for being honest- Jim

Thank you, Jim...
for the good wishes.
First of all, I am a 23+ year breast cancer survivor. I was first diagnosed in 1986 (at age 38), again in 1988, and a third time in 1996. I am just fine now and turned 61 this summer. My marriage has been over for 13+ years, so I have had some time to think through both issues from the perspective that distance offers.
My ex was the one who broke off the marriage, like a bolt out of the blue, so I had no chance to prepare for it at all. He was not interested in counseling or anything that might have helped the situation. He just wanted OUT.
I had an 11 year old son and a daughter just 6 months married, so my plans had to include what would also help them cope and heal. But we found solutions that worked for us and moved on, as that was our only option.
And, yes, in some practical ways I (and my kids) have been 'better off' without him, but we also suffer some long-term effects. My kids have no real connection to their father. And I have, for various reasons, chosen to remain single. He stole a lot of things from us when he left, and I am NOT talking about physical possessions, but he became toxic to our mental and emotional health and the time came for us to protect ourselves.
In fact, I have a lot of wonderful things in my life now that I could not have had if I was still with my ex. But that does not in any way speak to your situation. Only you and your wife can decide whether or not you can repair what has been broken, and I agree that a commitment to fidelity and renewed faith in each other are essential elements in a marriage. Without them the relationship grows into a kind of cancer of its own. And it can be more deadly than this other kind we have already experienced.
God bless.

maya00i

LisaD67 said:

Hi Maya
When I got on this site, I was in the same place you are. All these people, my friends, helped me get through it. The first thing I did was get a lawyer to see what my options are. Oh, by the way, my husband had an affair not long after my kidney cancer surgery. I blamed myself for everything. I wouldn't leave the house. I couldn't face people, until my family and friends got it through my head it wasn't my fault. And don't get me wrong I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, but nothing like this. Don't let him treat you this way. You've been through way more than he has. And if he can't support you from the beginning, he never will. That's what happened to me. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!!!! I am in the phase of starting over and dating. And, of course, it all started off badly. But when I decided I was giving up on everything, I came on this site and my friends talked to me and gave me great advice and courage. I'm hanging in there, despite other medical problems. I don't feel as lonely, but still want to have someone in my life. And it's hard. The lonelyness is unbearable at times, you are right. But it doesn't make it easier having him there, talking to other women right in front of you. You are special and deserve so much more. Don't let him bring you down, stand strong. We are all here for you. My saying, "CANCER CHOSE US, WE DIDN'T CHOOSE IT." Hold your head up high, and although it may hurt, you need to get him out of the house. That way maybe ya'll can work it our or maybe not. I believe there's someone for everybody, it's just a pain finding him. Take care and I'm here to listen and help anyway I can. Lisa

He's still here. Will not
He's still here. Will not look for a job all he does all day is play poker on the computer and talk to his girlfriend. I am on depression meds right now.

zjrosenthal

Worst pain
I am so grateful to know that I am not the only one going thru these emotional crisis in my marriage after cancer. During my anal cancer treatment last fall, my husband was using porn and it was devastating. Recently I found out he has also been using hookers. He has even had them in my bed! I tried so hard to meet his needs after the radiation burns healed but it didnt make a difference to him. We are now staying at our second home because I cant be in that place where he was doing those awful things with his 20 something hookers. I am 66 yrs old and have been married for 34 yrs with 4 grown kids and 4 grandkids. I dont want a divorce and we are in counseling but he was cheating even while going to the counselor. He says he is willing to go to a 12 step for sex addiction and a 4 day intensive that I will also attend. I know he is not telling me everything and it is possible that these affairs have been going on thru our marriage. I am feeling scared and angry and at this point cant seem to get my head on straight. Pictures of him with these gorgeous young girls wake me up at night with knots in my stomach. I have been trying to prove to him and myself mostly that I am as good or better than these little babes that he seems to think will make him young again. I am a strong, good woman who has been a faithful wife all through our marriage. I am also quite good in the marriage bed department if I may say so myself. I cry and wail constantly unless I am distacted with daily tasks. I dont know how this will turn out in the end but I am really feeling desperate.

JH32

zjrosenthal said:

Worst pain
I am so grateful to know that I am not the only one going thru these emotional crisis in my marriage after cancer. During my anal cancer treatment last fall, my husband was using porn and it was devastating. Recently I found out he has also been using hookers. He has even had them in my bed! I tried so hard to meet his needs after the radiation burns healed but it didnt make a difference to him. We are now staying at our second home because I cant be in that place where he was doing those awful things with his 20 something hookers. I am 66 yrs old and have been married for 34 yrs with 4 grown kids and 4 grandkids. I dont want a divorce and we are in counseling but he was cheating even while going to the counselor. He says he is willing to go to a 12 step for sex addiction and a 4 day intensive that I will also attend. I know he is not telling me everything and it is possible that these affairs have been going on thru our marriage. I am feeling scared and angry and at this point cant seem to get my head on straight. Pictures of him with these gorgeous young girls wake me up at night with knots in my stomach. I have been trying to prove to him and myself mostly that I am as good or better than these little babes that he seems to think will make him young again. I am a strong, good woman who has been a faithful wife all through our marriage. I am also quite good in the marriage bed department if I may say so myself. I cry and wail constantly unless I am distacted with daily tasks. I dont know how this will turn out in the end but I am really feeling desperate.

Your pain
zjrosenthal-
First of all I haven't been on this site in quite a while so sorry for the delayed response. Just saw your post tonight.
It is incredibly hard to deal with both issues at once. Now that over two months have gone by since I found out about my wife's affair I'm finally past the shock. It would be a shock at any time, but while fighting cancer your attention and guard are really down. I found that focusing on my recovery and needs helped me begin to get thru it. I'm still not there, but believing that you will be fine on your own helps. It also helped my wife see that I would move on from her and she doesn't want to lose that. I'm not sure if they think we are at a weak moment and can't react to their choices- but you can.
I spent many, many days curled up crying over everything and then reached a point where I said enough. It still hurts and I have down days, but I am looking forward for me. If it works out and she wants to be there (and if I want her to) then so be it. If not I'll make it alone.
Stay strong and realize that you are a good person and his actions say more about him. It is not a reflection of you.

SonSon

slickwilly said:

MEN
Well crap, I am a man. And like I tell my daughters "men are all dogs". We sniff around looking for a free meal. We head to the garbage sometimes as its easy and we don't have to perform tricks or get attached to a food bowl. We run away when we get a chance and chase everything in town. And when we get hit by a car we don't stay away from the road. We try to bite every car that comes down the road. Its a much harder struggle in life finding that dog that is faithful and deserving of your love. If a man is so shallow that cancer or a disability bothers him then you don't want him anyway. I can't imagine how bad of a relationship that would be over the long run. There are men out there that will embrace the fine qualities you have to offer. The wisdom you gained during your struggle with cancer and your ability to enjoy even the smallest things in life. And that man will learn how lucky he is to have found such a strong woman with a huge giving heart. If I was single I would come here looking for a woman that loves life and enjoys each day she has been given. It would be hard to find a woman anywhere else with a greater appreciation of life. You are all quite special to me. Slickwilly

Thanks for saying that...
Slickwilly - I just read this post of yours and hope you see my response.
I wish somebody had told me that about men about 25 years ago. Would have saved me a lot of money, heartache and I would probably be living happily in Seattle right now.
*sigh*
Fatima

zjrosenthal

JH32 said:

Your pain
zjrosenthal-
First of all I haven't been on this site in quite a while so sorry for the delayed response. Just saw your post tonight.
It is incredibly hard to deal with both issues at once. Now that over two months have gone by since I found out about my wife's affair I'm finally past the shock. It would be a shock at any time, but while fighting cancer your attention and guard are really down. I found that focusing on my recovery and needs helped me begin to get thru it. I'm still not there, but believing that you will be fine on your own helps. It also helped my wife see that I would move on from her and she doesn't want to lose that. I'm not sure if they think we are at a weak moment and can't react to their choices- but you can.
I spent many, many days curled up crying over everything and then reached a point where I said enough. It still hurts and I have down days, but I am looking forward for me. If it works out and she wants to be there (and if I want her to) then so be it. If not I'll make it alone.
Stay strong and realize that you are a good person and his actions say more about him. It is not a reflection of you.

getting better
Thanks for your support. You are so right, he was a snake who took advantage of my weakness and good nature. He is still here by my grace and mercy, supposedly working recovery thru 12 steps and went to a 4 day intensive treatment program for sex addiction. He has been mean to me thru our 34 yr marriage and I stuck it out because of my goodness and compassion, sometimes too much goodness if you know what I mean. I have told him he has one chance and not to blow it. I am hoping he gets his act together for his sake because I will survive and trive either way but if he goes out there again I believe he will be dead in a year. He is an old overweight sick man and he needs me a lot more than I need him. Again my thanks for all the support and encouragement.

lillyadams790

zjrosenthal said:

getting better
Thanks for your support. You are so right, he was a snake who took advantage of my weakness and good nature. He is still here by my grace and mercy, supposedly working recovery thru 12 steps and went to a 4 day intensive treatment program for sex addiction. He has been mean to me thru our 34 yr marriage and I stuck it out because of my goodness and compassion, sometimes too much goodness if you know what I mean. I have told him he has one chance and not to blow it. I am hoping he gets his act together for his sake because I will survive and trive either way but if he goes out there again I believe he will be dead in a year. He is an old overweight sick man and he needs me a lot more than I need him. Again my thanks for all the support and encouragement.

divorce
Sometimes things go all wrong and you just need to get youself away from it all.If you are looking for divorce advice for men you should consider checking out http://www.dadsdivorce.com They offer great legal advice for Fathers who are going through a divorce.

bluerose

lillyadams790 said:

divorce
Sometimes things go all wrong and you just need to get youself away from it all.If you are looking for divorce advice for men you should consider checking out http://www.dadsdivorce.com They offer great legal advice for Fathers who are going through a divorce.

Gag me with a spoon - ewwww - dating, lol
My kids used to use that expression when something grossed them out 'gag me with a spoon'. lol.

Notice how many replies there have been to this issue of relationship breakdown and starting again, it's a big topic for many many survivors. High rate of divorce in survivors but like any other challenging situation in life it can bring couples closer or pull them wide apart.

I have been separated and divorced now I guess going on 10 years, though the thoughts of revenge still often take over me, lol, just kidding of course - cough cough. lol.

Cancer alone is a complicated situation as you all know so add another person, any person into the mix in a situation with cancer in the family and it gets just that much more complicated. Love to hear the stories though of those who have infinite support from their spouses or significant others, it gives the rest of us hope.

Thank you all for sharing on this important personal issue.

Blessings to you all, Bluerose

zjrosenthal

bluerose said:

Gag me with a spoon - ewwww - dating, lol
My kids used to use that expression when something grossed them out 'gag me with a spoon'. lol.

Notice how many replies there have been to this issue of relationship breakdown and starting again, it's a big topic for many many survivors. High rate of divorce in survivors but like any other challenging situation in life it can bring couples closer or pull them wide apart.

I have been separated and divorced now I guess going on 10 years, though the thoughts of revenge still often take over me, lol, just kidding of course - cough cough. lol.

Cancer alone is a complicated situation as you all know so add another person, any person into the mix in a situation with cancer in the family and it gets just that much more complicated. Love to hear the stories though of those who have infinite support from their spouses or significant others, it gives the rest of us hope.

Thank you all for sharing on this important personal issue.

Blessings to you all, Bluerose

Gagging is good sometimes
Bluerose and all others posting here...I am so blessed to be a part of a community of such caring and strong people!
It occured to me that the gagging we go through thinking of what our spouses have done, or not done as the case may be, is a good thing. It can purge us of our unwanted thoughts, negative emotions and in some cases even the spouse.
I wanted to kill my husband last year when he was cheating on me with hookers during my recovery from cancer. I let him know that he had only one shot if he wanted me to stay with him and set very clear boundaries, a move upstate away from the place where he was acting out, a 12 step recovery program, an intensive 4 day treatment and absolutely no porn or acting out of any kind. So far a year later, he is in compliance with my boundaries but he knows our relationship will never have the kind of blind trust I once had. That is sad but actions have consequences. He knows how much he has hurt me and also hurt himself. I have cried, wailed, screamed and have not held back from letting him know how I feel.
So far, glory to God, I am cancer free for almost 2 yrs and am also healing emotionally but it will take time. I wish you all health and happiness.

christinerose5454

zjrosenthal said:

Gagging is good sometimes
Bluerose and all others posting here...I am so blessed to be a part of a community of such caring and strong people!
It occured to me that the gagging we go through thinking of what our spouses have done, or not done as the case may be, is a good thing. It can purge us of our unwanted thoughts, negative emotions and in some cases even the spouse.
I wanted to kill my husband last year when he was cheating on me with hookers during my recovery from cancer. I let him know that he had only one shot if he wanted me to stay with him and set very clear boundaries, a move upstate away from the place where he was acting out, a 12 step recovery program, an intensive 4 day treatment and absolutely no porn or acting out of any kind. So far a year later, he is in compliance with my boundaries but he knows our relationship will never have the kind of blind trust I once had. That is sad but actions have consequences. He knows how much he has hurt me and also hurt himself. I have cried, wailed, screamed and have not held back from letting him know how I feel.
So far, glory to God, I am cancer free for almost 2 yrs and am also healing emotionally but it will take time. I wish you all health and happiness.

Isolated
Since I had half my left lung out in December 2008, I did not need chemo or radiotherapy. I feel that people don't want to know me when they know I have had cancer. My husband says get over it, its done finished. I do not talk to him much about cancer because he does not understand how I feel, I keep it in and just talk to people who have had cancer. Over the months he tells me about all the men at work who's wife's have died of cancer and tells me how they have moved on so quickly finding new partners, in a way its good for the men to find a partner and move on but I feel that my husband keeps on telling me about all these women who are dying of cancer and I do not need to hear all this at the moment. I have had another major operation because my last c.t scan shown three more shadows, the good news is that it is not cancer this time but it still takes it out of me having a big operation again and having to depend on my husband to take care of me. My husband can not cope looking after me after any illness or recovery, he turns snappy and has little patience because it stops him getting on with his own life and hobbies so I would hate to be ill again. Fingers crossed and think positive all will be well.

bluerose

christinerose5454 said:

Isolated
Since I had half my left lung out in December 2008, I did not need chemo or radiotherapy. I feel that people don't want to know me when they know I have had cancer. My husband says get over it, its done finished. I do not talk to him much about cancer because he does not understand how I feel, I keep it in and just talk to people who have had cancer. Over the months he tells me about all the men at work who's wife's have died of cancer and tells me how they have moved on so quickly finding new partners, in a way its good for the men to find a partner and move on but I feel that my husband keeps on telling me about all these women who are dying of cancer and I do not need to hear all this at the moment. I have had another major operation because my last c.t scan shown three more shadows, the good news is that it is not cancer this time but it still takes it out of me having a big operation again and having to depend on my husband to take care of me. My husband can not cope looking after me after any illness or recovery, he turns snappy and has little patience because it stops him getting on with his own life and hobbies so I would hate to be ill again. Fingers crossed and think positive all will be well.

Oh poor hubby - NOT
No one says cancer is easy on any family member, husbands included, but yours seems to be more preoccupied with how it all affects his life and not as worried about how this is affecting you - you the person with cancer.

One thing you said near the end of the post really prompted me to write to you and that was when you said that he truns snappy and has little patience because it stops him from getting on with his own life 'so I would hate to be ill again'. You are more worried a recurrance would hamper him? That's what you think first? No this is backwards.

First I want to tell you that this isn't unusual with some partners, as a matter a fact the percentages are high for relationship failure when cancer shows up but of course usually there were issues there before too, cancer just puts an extra strain on things, a big strain. But some relationships can become stronger through dealing with cancer so that gives the rest of us hope that there are good relationships even in the face of cancer too.

That comment your husband made about you 'getting on with it' is a big issue with lots of survivors because we can't 'get on with it' in many ways due to trauma or side effects of treatment or just worry about recurrance. Those are real issues and not to be laughed at or invalidated. A lot of people do not understand survivors and often that is very hurtful when it is someone close to us.

I have to say that your husband sounds very insensitive, telling you about all the women who die of it and that their husbands move on, horrible thing to tell you.

What if the roles were reversed and he had the cancer? Would you be there for him, I have a feeling you would be. Marriage is about the good times and the bad times, not just the convenient times.

Are you seeing a counsellor about any of this? I have my doubts your husband would go with you but you never know. If not then I would really think about going yourself to talk things out with a professional who can give you some really good input on how to deal with this. Also of course, keep posting on this board, lots of people know and have gone through what you are going through and will understand and validate you. If your husband is violent then you need to tread lightly with him though and make sure that you are safe at all times. A lot of us need to talk things through with counsellors now and again, cancer is a trauma and issues come up. It's not something you 'get over' after treatments are done in many cases.

All the best,
Bluerose

EmilyAnn

same destination, different boat
lisa,

im in the dating scene but im 18 and still in high school which makes it tuff. i could never imagine having a man say those kind of things to you. im still undergoing treatment. no one deserves to get it but some of us are chosen to get it and we are messengers to help teach others about our cancer. i hope you find that man who is okay about discusing what had happend in your past and will be there for you forever..

emiyann

brownchunk

How are you doing?
Hi Lisa... I read your post just now after searching "cancer and dating" and I can't believe how similar our stories are! I am also an RCC (stage 4) survivor and my now-ex also had an affair (3 actually). I am considering dating now, but the thought of it just makes me scared and sad. I cried as I read all the replies below. I hope you are doing well and wonder if you still visit this site. -Amanda

scamps67

SIRENAF42 said:

Divorced, cancer survivor
Hi Lisa, Im also 42, divorced and dating, and I like you seem to find that once I mention that Im a cancer survivor, men pull away. Is it that they are shallow, or dont want to start something that may end due to cancer? I dont hide the fact I fought cancer, Im only 7 months from my last treatment, so I still have side effects to deal with, and I just dont hide my fight. I have recently met a man, who I have gone out with several times, he asked me about my scar on the side of my nose and I didnt want to tell him, was trying to think of something to say that would be cool or funny to say about it, then decided I had to just tell him. I told him a short version of my cancer battle. Normally thats when the date gets uncomfortable and ends quicker and I never hear from them again. But instead he put his arm around my waist and smiled and said your a strong woman to go through that and stand here smiling like it was just a bad day at the office, he just gave me a hug and smiled. Hasnt mentioned it since. I talk to him everyday. I dont know if it will go anywhere, and plan to just take one day at a time, but he was the first to not run. Its hard enough dating healthy, add Cancer to you dating resume and you weed out the jerks really quik LOL. Maybe its a good thing they run in the beginning and not when your heart is vested.

We should create a dating service, "Hot Cancer Survivors" lol..

dating
Hi I met my husband 4 years ago, he had had oral cancer and a neck dissection 3 years previously. On our first date I asked him about his scar and he told me about his cancer and honestly my first response was to run away....I was terrified of falling in love with someone who might get cancer again and maybe die. I had to think about it and needless to say we kept dating I decided I would rather spend whatever days we had than to just run away. Well he got cancer again, he just went through another huge surgery and i slept in the hospital with him all 8 days. I seriously didnt think he would get cancer again or at least not for Many years, he is only 39 now. The odds that he will get another cancer are high but I am sticking it out. I love him. You will find someone who deserves you!

HLRCCMommy626

Cancer Gene after back to back Cancer Diagnosis + Divorce-affair

My husband of 12 years had an affair while our son was doing chemotherapy & radiation treatments for stage 4 kidney cancer, he was only 3.  This was 4 months after I was diagnosed with cancer while I was 8 months pregnant at age 28.  Turns out cancer is genetic.  All four kids carry a rare kidney/uterine/skin cancer gene.  HLRCC gene.  I'm frank with potential mates.  I tell them in the first 5 minutes of the first conversation/text/email/date....  My friends tell me that is not the NORMAL way to do it.  I don't really care.  If they run, they will run now & not waste my time.  If they are of higher emotional intelligence, they will see me as a survive and appreciate the strengths I have.  I still want more children.  One guy I'm dating (casually only) - he wants nothing serious.  He has MS, was drug addict & alcoholic.  He is now an AA sponsor.  We talk about feelings a lot.  His parents are both oncologists - what a coincidence!  I have a lot of codependency issues going on from two horrifying relationships that have already ended with addicts (that were not recovering) - my ex husband was alcoholic.  Next ex was gamblers who didn't run when I said CANCER - should have seen that as a BIG WARNING SIGN.  He preyed on me like a bird with a broken wing.  

 

Long story short, I have 4 children with a cancer gene.  I'm finding contentment with being single (learning a lot from my friend with MS).  And realizing that I need to work on my mental health & be proactive as much as I have been with my physical health & staying on top of all the screenings.  I just started attending Al-Anon meetings. 

 

I figured that the ideal mate for me would be someone who is a cancer survivor or have some sort of medical issues, I'm studying to be a Pediatric Oncology Nurse - - - so I think I can take it on as well, if they are willing to handle cancer & cancer genes.  At least men who have experienced and overcome a life changing event like addiction, disease, cancer, affair in their marriage.... they have a high emotional intelligence & can handle you as a package.