Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer

maya00i

terato said:

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health..."
Maya,

The really unfortunate thing is that so many spouses never believe that they will have to deal with the "sickness" or "worse" challenges that impact marriages. I wish they had a "Consumer Reports" for marriage prospects, rating them for longevity, like, "Comes on great, in the beginning, but not to be counted on for the long-haul".

Love and Courage!

Rick

Rick
You hit the nail right on the head. My oncologist told me the the men leaaving there wifes during this time is so common. He said he has heard this story more than he can count.
My husband is emailing a women now and it hurts me. Even though I have no feeeling for him it is humiliating.He hurries up and mim the screen when I walk into the room. I told him I would buy him a ticket to go to Ill. on the condition he would never contact me again. He wont go.

LisaD67

maya00i said:

Rick
You hit the nail right on the head. My oncologist told me the the men leaaving there wifes during this time is so common. He said he has heard this story more than he can count.
My husband is emailing a women now and it hurts me. Even though I have no feeeling for him it is humiliating.He hurries up and mim the screen when I walk into the room. I told him I would buy him a ticket to go to Ill. on the condition he would never contact me again. He wont go.

What Next???????????????
I've been through cancer and lets face it, it will always be a part of my life. I think positive that it won't come back, but reality is it may. My ex husband cheated not long after, so I divorced him. Then starting over is so hard, especially financially. And now dating, that got off to a rough start. I still have that wall up. I am dating someone now and he is the complete opposite of my ex. He compliments me, holds my hand, calls me everyday. I like the way this is going. Ok, here comes what's next. I got my results from my heart tests. My heart muscles have weakened and is not working like it should. A normal number on a reading is 50, I'm a 30. My docs are suprised that someone my age has this low of a number. They think it was a virus I had in the past that caused this damage. I will be taking more tests to make sure. Two steps forward, three back. I hope this doesn't scare off the man I'm dating. Just when I think I might be happy, this happens. They said I can live a normal life, I'll just have to be watched, like the cancer. I really don't know how much more I can take. I know things could be worse, but right now for me, I just want to cry and ask, "Why???" Back to crying again.

terato

LisaD67 said:

What Next???????????????
I've been through cancer and lets face it, it will always be a part of my life. I think positive that it won't come back, but reality is it may. My ex husband cheated not long after, so I divorced him. Then starting over is so hard, especially financially. And now dating, that got off to a rough start. I still have that wall up. I am dating someone now and he is the complete opposite of my ex. He compliments me, holds my hand, calls me everyday. I like the way this is going. Ok, here comes what's next. I got my results from my heart tests. My heart muscles have weakened and is not working like it should. A normal number on a reading is 50, I'm a 30. My docs are suprised that someone my age has this low of a number. They think it was a virus I had in the past that caused this damage. I will be taking more tests to make sure. Two steps forward, three back. I hope this doesn't scare off the man I'm dating. Just when I think I might be happy, this happens. They said I can live a normal life, I'll just have to be watched, like the cancer. I really don't know how much more I can take. I know things could be worse, but right now for me, I just want to cry and ask, "Why???" Back to crying again.

Why care what the guy thinks?
Lisa,

Your health is your only concern at this point, why give a damn for what the guy thinks or cares? If he gets scared and runs, good riddance, he wasn't worth it! You need to take care of YOU.

Love and Courage!

Rick

LisaD67

terato said:

Why care what the guy thinks?
Lisa,

Your health is your only concern at this point, why give a damn for what the guy thinks or cares? If he gets scared and runs, good riddance, he wasn't worth it! You need to take care of YOU.

Love and Courage!

Rick

Thank You!
Thanks Rick. My head know this, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm just really scared. Love and Luck to you, Lisa

zahalene

LisaD67 said:

Thank You!
Thanks Rick. My head know this, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm just really scared. Love and Luck to you, Lisa

Lisa...
this may just be the true test you need to find out whether or not this man is one you want to be a permanent part of your future. His reaction to this news should be a major clue.

LisaD67

zahalene said:

Lisa...
this may just be the true test you need to find out whether or not this man is one you want to be a permanent part of your future. His reaction to this news should be a major clue.

You are right........
It just might be the true test. We'll see, I guess. I just don't want to get hurt again. But I know it's something I have to go through. Thank you and Take Care, Lisa

runrummer

LisaD67 said:

You are right........
It just might be the true test. We'll see, I guess. I just don't want to get hurt again. But I know it's something I have to go through. Thank you and Take Care, Lisa

Hi everyone!
I am new to this site, but find it a true blessing that I am here now. I tripped at work and needed neck surgery. the pre-op testing showed a tumor in my lower right lung (never smoked). the doctors were very sure that according to my health history it would be benign. I have lung cancer that resulted in a lobectomy in 2002. Went through chemo and radiation, was in remission for three years. Since then the cancer has come back five more times. In the past six years I have had five courses of chemo and another course of radiation and a hysterectomy in 2006. I am so blessed. My PD is my warrior. My "wasband" and I separated in July of 2002 and I was diagnosed in Nov. He cheated before my cancer and then used my cancer to get sympathy from a judge over a 4th DUI he received. When I was in remission in 2005 was reacquainted with a guy I new when we were kids. Seemed really like the strong type. Could handle anything....WRONG! If I had asked him to literally pick up my car and move it...no problem. But I knew we were not going to make it when he told me "you're face looks thinner and prettier when the cancer is eating at you". I just laughed. The PC (pre-cancer) me would have been sooo upset, I don't think I would have gotten over it. I thought "Buddy, I have survived cancer and treatments for six years. You're nothin'!" He did me a favor. Showed me another strength I didn't know i had. So Lisa don't be sad. Recognize what you have been through and appreciate the strength it has taken to get there. I used to be afraid of many things. Not anymore. I thank God for every day and feel once you have stared cancer in the eye, there is no one and nothing that can bring you down. Thanks for reading all of this. And remember: 1) Don't sweat the small stuff. 2) It's all small stuff! Praying for all of you, my new friends!

LisaD67

runrummer said:

Hi everyone!
I am new to this site, but find it a true blessing that I am here now. I tripped at work and needed neck surgery. the pre-op testing showed a tumor in my lower right lung (never smoked). the doctors were very sure that according to my health history it would be benign. I have lung cancer that resulted in a lobectomy in 2002. Went through chemo and radiation, was in remission for three years. Since then the cancer has come back five more times. In the past six years I have had five courses of chemo and another course of radiation and a hysterectomy in 2006. I am so blessed. My PD is my warrior. My "wasband" and I separated in July of 2002 and I was diagnosed in Nov. He cheated before my cancer and then used my cancer to get sympathy from a judge over a 4th DUI he received. When I was in remission in 2005 was reacquainted with a guy I new when we were kids. Seemed really like the strong type. Could handle anything....WRONG! If I had asked him to literally pick up my car and move it...no problem. But I knew we were not going to make it when he told me "you're face looks thinner and prettier when the cancer is eating at you". I just laughed. The PC (pre-cancer) me would have been sooo upset, I don't think I would have gotten over it. I thought "Buddy, I have survived cancer and treatments for six years. You're nothin'!" He did me a favor. Showed me another strength I didn't know i had. So Lisa don't be sad. Recognize what you have been through and appreciate the strength it has taken to get there. I used to be afraid of many things. Not anymore. I thank God for every day and feel once you have stared cancer in the eye, there is no one and nothing that can bring you down. Thanks for reading all of this. And remember: 1) Don't sweat the small stuff. 2) It's all small stuff! Praying for all of you, my new friends!

Thank You!
For sharing your story with me. You are amazing with all you've been through. I take all of ya'll strong words and advice to heart. It means so much to me. It's like I said, "My head knows, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet!" I just have some really good days and then there are the really bad days. I guess being divorced, I don't want to be a burden on my kids and I do want someone in my life to lean on when I have too. Our family has been through so much and it's like we never get a break. I pray for it, but it just keeps coming. I have to just keep taking one day at a time and hopefully, I'll get that strength back. The strength I know I have. And you are beautiful, don't let anyone tell you different. Thanks again. Love and Luck to all my friends, Lisa

JH32

LisaD67 said:

Thank You!
For sharing your story with me. You are amazing with all you've been through. I take all of ya'll strong words and advice to heart. It means so much to me. It's like I said, "My head knows, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet!" I just have some really good days and then there are the really bad days. I guess being divorced, I don't want to be a burden on my kids and I do want someone in my life to lean on when I have too. Our family has been through so much and it's like we never get a break. I pray for it, but it just keeps coming. I have to just keep taking one day at a time and hopefully, I'll get that strength back. The strength I know I have. And you are beautiful, don't let anyone tell you different. Thanks again. Love and Luck to all my friends, Lisa

cancer and spouses
What is it about cancer that makes spouses cheat? I am one year into recovery and it hasn't been easy on either of us. 24 years of marriage which I thought/think is a strong one. Then I started getting bad vibes about a friend of ours (who knew I had cancer) and confronted my wife and she confessed that they had an affair. At the lowest point of my life she steps out. Cries and is very remorseful- but has anyone else been able to forgive such a thing? Just when I needed her most.

Nanb

JH32 said:

cancer and spouses
What is it about cancer that makes spouses cheat? I am one year into recovery and it hasn't been easy on either of us. 24 years of marriage which I thought/think is a strong one. Then I started getting bad vibes about a friend of ours (who knew I had cancer) and confronted my wife and she confessed that they had an affair. At the lowest point of my life she steps out. Cries and is very remorseful- but has anyone else been able to forgive such a thing? Just when I needed her most.

I wish I knew the answer
I finished my chemo in Dec. after 6 rounds of chop+r. My husband of 41 years didn't help and always made plans to be out of town working. I really don't know what he was/is doing. After my 2nd treatment I told him that if he didn't help thru the last 4, I was done. We have been separated since Oct. He has been mean and hateful thru all of this. I have never needed anyone more. I live 3 hours from my family and friends. He has moved back to our hometown, while I am trying to sell our house. I don't know if cancer turned our spouses into jerks, or it just magnifies their true nature. I am very lonely and alone, but I think I am better off alone than with someone who always put himself first. JH32 you just have to figure out if she did this when you needed her the most, what does she have to offer at this point? Hope you come up with the right answer for you. Peace, Nancy

LisaD67

JH32 said:

cancer and spouses
What is it about cancer that makes spouses cheat? I am one year into recovery and it hasn't been easy on either of us. 24 years of marriage which I thought/think is a strong one. Then I started getting bad vibes about a friend of ours (who knew I had cancer) and confronted my wife and she confessed that they had an affair. At the lowest point of my life she steps out. Cries and is very remorseful- but has anyone else been able to forgive such a thing? Just when I needed her most.

I Can't.................
Forgive or Forget. My ex was hurt at work in '93. I worked full time, took care of him, two kids, my mom who was ill for 9 years before passing, paid bills, took care of the house, brought kids to sports and dancing and all he did was ride around drinking and taking his pain pills. I even did all of this having cancer for a year and didn't know I had it. He never supported me or even let me talk about it. He said if I talked about it, it meant I wanted it to come back. I, too, had a feeling something was going on and saw on the cell phone bill my intuition was right. He was calling her on his birthday, our anniversary, christmas etc. and "CHEATING!" I got a lawyer and filed for divorce. And to make matters worse he was horrible to me and the kids, but mostly me. I deserve better, way better. Lisa

JH32

Nanb said:

I wish I knew the answer
I finished my chemo in Dec. after 6 rounds of chop+r. My husband of 41 years didn't help and always made plans to be out of town working. I really don't know what he was/is doing. After my 2nd treatment I told him that if he didn't help thru the last 4, I was done. We have been separated since Oct. He has been mean and hateful thru all of this. I have never needed anyone more. I live 3 hours from my family and friends. He has moved back to our hometown, while I am trying to sell our house. I don't know if cancer turned our spouses into jerks, or it just magnifies their true nature. I am very lonely and alone, but I think I am better off alone than with someone who always put himself first. JH32 you just have to figure out if she did this when you needed her the most, what does she have to offer at this point? Hope you come up with the right answer for you. Peace, Nancy

Answers
Nancy-
I swing back and forth between thinking that alone would be better- seems like at least the issues to be dealt with would be more consistant. It is so hard because I didn't realize until going through cancer/treatments how much it affects everyone. On my good days I forgive her because we are all humans and make mistakes. On the not so good days it seems unacceptable that someone would do it at that time of their partners life. I say to myself that I could never do that....but we really don't know until the situation arises. There really are very few if any black and white decisions.

I am quoting someone from another post but it is so true- 'you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only answer'. Thank you so much for being open with me. I feel for your loneliness- but you are not alone. So many of us feel the same way. Today I feel 'strong' enough to decide what's best for me, and at this point it could be staying with her or moving on- but either way it has to feel right. I admire you for making such a tough choice. Peace back at you- Jim

tasha_111

LisaD67 said:

I Can't.................
Forgive or Forget. My ex was hurt at work in '93. I worked full time, took care of him, two kids, my mom who was ill for 9 years before passing, paid bills, took care of the house, brought kids to sports and dancing and all he did was ride around drinking and taking his pain pills. I even did all of this having cancer for a year and didn't know I had it. He never supported me or even let me talk about it. He said if I talked about it, it meant I wanted it to come back. I, too, had a feeling something was going on and saw on the cell phone bill my intuition was right. He was calling her on his birthday, our anniversary, christmas etc. and "CHEATING!" I got a lawyer and filed for divorce. And to make matters worse he was horrible to me and the kids, but mostly me. I deserve better, way better. Lisa

Well, That's decided
The answers on this and other boards have helped me find the strength to throw him out, at last! Thank you all so much for putting it into words that made sense to me.

After 3 years of putting up with the abuse, I acted at last. He left last night, all I feel is a great sense of relief, and a bit tearful..I don't know why.

Onward and upward....

Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LisaD67

tasha_111 said:

Well, That's decided
The answers on this and other boards have helped me find the strength to throw him out, at last! Thank you all so much for putting it into words that made sense to me.

After 3 years of putting up with the abuse, I acted at last. He left last night, all I feel is a great sense of relief, and a bit tearful..I don't know why.

Onward and upward....

Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Good For You!!!
You don't deserve or need that abuse. Good luck to you. And we're all here for you. Lisa

tasha_111

LisaD67 said:

Good For You!!!
You don't deserve or need that abuse. Good luck to you. And we're all here for you. Lisa

Grateful to you
Lisa and everyone in here, Thank you so much for the Kick up the arse I needed to end this bloody torture;.

Huge Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lindaprocopio

Tasha: I keep trying to figure out your photo...
First, let me say sincerely 'hooray for you!!' You deserve so much better. That man definitely falls in the 'no big loss' category. Still, I know how hard is is to step out into the unknown, even when the 'known' is awful.

Now, you just have to explain your photo to me, since the curiosity is driving me crazy. I just can't figure out what you're up to in that photo? ((((BIG HUGS))))

daisy366

runrummer said:

Hi everyone!
I am new to this site, but find it a true blessing that I am here now. I tripped at work and needed neck surgery. the pre-op testing showed a tumor in my lower right lung (never smoked). the doctors were very sure that according to my health history it would be benign. I have lung cancer that resulted in a lobectomy in 2002. Went through chemo and radiation, was in remission for three years. Since then the cancer has come back five more times. In the past six years I have had five courses of chemo and another course of radiation and a hysterectomy in 2006. I am so blessed. My PD is my warrior. My "wasband" and I separated in July of 2002 and I was diagnosed in Nov. He cheated before my cancer and then used my cancer to get sympathy from a judge over a 4th DUI he received. When I was in remission in 2005 was reacquainted with a guy I new when we were kids. Seemed really like the strong type. Could handle anything....WRONG! If I had asked him to literally pick up my car and move it...no problem. But I knew we were not going to make it when he told me "you're face looks thinner and prettier when the cancer is eating at you". I just laughed. The PC (pre-cancer) me would have been sooo upset, I don't think I would have gotten over it. I thought "Buddy, I have survived cancer and treatments for six years. You're nothin'!" He did me a favor. Showed me another strength I didn't know i had. So Lisa don't be sad. Recognize what you have been through and appreciate the strength it has taken to get there. I used to be afraid of many things. Not anymore. I thank God for every day and feel once you have stared cancer in the eye, there is no one and nothing that can bring you down. Thanks for reading all of this. And remember: 1) Don't sweat the small stuff. 2) It's all small stuff! Praying for all of you, my new friends!

Kudos to you runrummer!!
I
Kudos to you runrummer!!

I too have noticed that I am less anxious about things now - like public speaking which used to terrify me. Now, every day is a gift.

Blessings to all,

Mary Ann

tasha_111

lindaprocopio said:

Tasha: I keep trying to figure out your photo...
First, let me say sincerely 'hooray for you!!' You deserve so much better. That man definitely falls in the 'no big loss' category. Still, I know how hard is is to step out into the unknown, even when the 'known' is awful.

Now, you just have to explain your photo to me, since the curiosity is driving me crazy. I just can't figure out what you're up to in that photo? ((((BIG HUGS))))

Linda
After a nice bottle of celebratory Vino Collapso I was Pole Dancing with my tree. Don't worry, I'm not dangerous! LOL

Hugs Jxxxxxxxxx

JH32

lindaprocopio said:

Tasha: I keep trying to figure out your photo...
First, let me say sincerely 'hooray for you!!' You deserve so much better. That man definitely falls in the 'no big loss' category. Still, I know how hard is is to step out into the unknown, even when the 'known' is awful.

Now, you just have to explain your photo to me, since the curiosity is driving me crazy. I just can't figure out what you're up to in that photo? ((((BIG HUGS))))

The Unknown
Linda-
First off I love your picture- you look like a proud, beautiful woman. Is it too personal to ask what unknown you stepped off into?
I have been having some very bad days over my wife's affair. Just feels like a hammer on each side of my head- just as I get a grip on my cancer I get smacked by the hurt of her unfaithfulness, and visa versa. I had radical prostate surgery and am not fully recovered yet which includes my ability to be intimate. At times it is unbearable that my wife was with someone else and that I'm not sure I'll ever be able provide that for her again.
Cancer is uglier and more painful then I could have ever imagined. Was stepping away from your situation truly worth it? This would be easier if I didn't love her, or if she was cruel.
Not sure how to get out of this pit- Jim

zahalene

JH32 said:

The Unknown
Linda-
First off I love your picture- you look like a proud, beautiful woman. Is it too personal to ask what unknown you stepped off into?
I have been having some very bad days over my wife's affair. Just feels like a hammer on each side of my head- just as I get a grip on my cancer I get smacked by the hurt of her unfaithfulness, and visa versa. I had radical prostate surgery and am not fully recovered yet which includes my ability to be intimate. At times it is unbearable that my wife was with someone else and that I'm not sure I'll ever be able provide that for her again.
Cancer is uglier and more painful then I could have ever imagined. Was stepping away from your situation truly worth it? This would be easier if I didn't love her, or if she was cruel.
Not sure how to get out of this pit- Jim

JH, if you don't mind...
You were not speaking to me in the above post but if you don't mind I would like to respond to your situation.
My 28 year marriage did not survive cancer (mine). Oh, we went on for awhile after I was out of treatment but it was not a healthy situation.
The fact was, (Oh, I am a female, forgot you can't tell that by my screen name) he just was not committed to me or the marriage unless it was providing him with what he wanted. I lost both breasts. Enuf said?
I can't comment on your wife's mind set, obviously, but when 'for better or worse' becomes about as worse as it can get, that's when the feathers hit the fan unless there is an under girding in the relationship that is strong enough to bear up under the stress.
In retrospect, I can see that he had been dissatisfied for a long time even before I got sick. But that doesn't help much after the fact. My marriage did not survive because he did not want it to, and was not willing to do the work needed to preserve it. That is really the bottom line. When a relationship is damaged it takes time and work and tears and honesty and renewed commitment to repair it. And since you are already in a fight for your life, you may not be able to find the resources to slay this dragon too. I would suggest intense professional help for the two of you. Provided you are both willing of course. Otherwise it will be an exercise in futility.
You say it would be easier if you did not love her. I understand that, believe me. Love is a commitment and some of us are just not capable of going back on our commitments. And some of us are not capable of keeping them. It is just very sad when these two types of people end up married to each other.
God bless and I really do hope you and she can work things out and come to a good place together again.