One of Those Overwhelming Days - Time to Shutdown, Sigh

24

Comments

  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    #22
    larry59 said:

    sigh
    Know exactly how you feel, sometimes good, sometime like crap, and a lot of in between especially when you have to deal with dr. tests. Just hang in there. I already irritated someone by suggesting remembering the Bobby McFerrin song "be happy, don't worry'' Its a trite and contagious bit of music but it really does make you feel better it you just sit back, listen, and don't think of anything else. And please get on line to talk whenever. I think this site does wonders with communication. I could talk all night and day if I had the words I really wanted to say. But post your feelings asap. I myself will be home for a couple of weeks after surgery on friday so I can email/write/reply any old time. please write.
    Larry59 (foley2007larry@mchsi.com)

    Validation appreciated
    Hi Larry, Thanks for the validation - especially this morning, haven't slept very well going back and forth with the prospects of more invasive tests. Starting to feel like a whiner here, you would think I would be used to this stuff after 20 years of testing but it seems like the more they want to do to me the more of a wuss I become, I think of it as a syndrome I think I made up that I call the 'beaten dog syndrome', you beat a dog or mistreat it enough and soon it runs at the sight of you or at the very least stays away and hides or bites even a hand that only wishes to pat or feed it. With people who have had extensive invasive treatments, for me anywho, I feel a kinship with that dog at times, like yesterday when even a kind and gentle doctor suggested two many more invasive tests. I feel like that this morning so validation was a good thing, thanks. One funny point about Bobby McFerrin, that was me that you were referring to as being 'irritated' by your suggestion of singing that song to lift my spirits and I wasn't irritated at all, I was just trying to be funny about it, thought it was hysterical. That's the problem with chat in writing or words sometimes, it's easy to take joking for being serious but that's not what I meant at all. The song does lift people's spirits. Anywho I wasn't irritated at all in fact it made me smile when I saw the suggestion of the song so thanks.

    Thanks for the offer of emailing as well and I hope you see a quick recovery from your surgery. God Bless.
  • Catism
    Catism Member Posts: 92 Member
    #23
    blueroses said:

    Validation appreciated
    Hi Larry, Thanks for the validation - especially this morning, haven't slept very well going back and forth with the prospects of more invasive tests. Starting to feel like a whiner here, you would think I would be used to this stuff after 20 years of testing but it seems like the more they want to do to me the more of a wuss I become, I think of it as a syndrome I think I made up that I call the 'beaten dog syndrome', you beat a dog or mistreat it enough and soon it runs at the sight of you or at the very least stays away and hides or bites even a hand that only wishes to pat or feed it. With people who have had extensive invasive treatments, for me anywho, I feel a kinship with that dog at times, like yesterday when even a kind and gentle doctor suggested two many more invasive tests. I feel like that this morning so validation was a good thing, thanks. One funny point about Bobby McFerrin, that was me that you were referring to as being 'irritated' by your suggestion of singing that song to lift my spirits and I wasn't irritated at all, I was just trying to be funny about it, thought it was hysterical. That's the problem with chat in writing or words sometimes, it's easy to take joking for being serious but that's not what I meant at all. The song does lift people's spirits. Anywho I wasn't irritated at all in fact it made me smile when I saw the suggestion of the song so thanks.

    Thanks for the offer of emailing as well and I hope you see a quick recovery from your surgery. God Bless.

    Yep, tried that, Blueroses...
    I did try to educate my cousin but he'd not have any of it...it seemed he was just intent on making me feel badly. The odd thing was that a lot of times, I hadn't even said anything about it at all, how I was feeling I mean. I don't think my behavior indicated anything to him...he just took it for granted I suppose but meh, the boy's got his own set of particular problems (if you know what I mean).

    Larry59, I'm SOOOO very glad to see you here! I've been very worried about you.

    Blessings to all,
    ~NoQuiSi~
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #24
    Catism said:

    Yep, tried that, Blueroses...
    I did try to educate my cousin but he'd not have any of it...it seemed he was just intent on making me feel badly. The odd thing was that a lot of times, I hadn't even said anything about it at all, how I was feeling I mean. I don't think my behavior indicated anything to him...he just took it for granted I suppose but meh, the boy's got his own set of particular problems (if you know what I mean).

    Larry59, I'm SOOOO very glad to see you here! I've been very worried about you.

    Blessings to all,
    ~NoQuiSi~

    Blues
    Hi..........what happened? I laughed and joked all the way through chemo, radiation, pic installation and all the rest of that nightmare (Hell I even tried to like my oncologist).......Now I have finished and am just on the tamoxofen I have suddenly dropped into a major pit, I have always been an 'up' person but I now find myself on effexor (not helping at all) and really in a very bad place. Why now? Any suggestions more than welcome....... 'don't worry, be happy'...aghhhhhhhhh I will never get that song out of my totally repetative brain.. I does work tho (a bit)
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    #25
    tasha_111 said:

    Blues
    Hi..........what happened? I laughed and joked all the way through chemo, radiation, pic installation and all the rest of that nightmare (Hell I even tried to like my oncologist).......Now I have finished and am just on the tamoxofen I have suddenly dropped into a major pit, I have always been an 'up' person but I now find myself on effexor (not helping at all) and really in a very bad place. Why now? Any suggestions more than welcome....... 'don't worry, be happy'...aghhhhhhhhh I will never get that song out of my totally repetative brain.. I does work tho (a bit)

    Could be a combo of things
    Hi Tasha,

    When I first read your post I connected with what you were saying because in the beginning many are very hopeful and want to just get it all done so we put on a happy face and yuck it up with the chemo nurses etc and talk ourselves into the fact that we are doing totally fine, no problem. But the reality is, of course, it is a problem and it is a shock to the system so in essence, although being positive is totally the right way to go, sometimes it covers up our true emotions. Then the drugs hit and the side effects of those might well unmask the true emotions causing this pit you went into. Even if the drugs didn't have anything to do with the plunge you had, very often after a traumatic incidence takes place there is often a downwards drift in emotions. While you were having the treatments all you could do was focus on them and still were probably in shock from diagnosis so it was enough for you to handle but after it was all done then the true emotions rose to the surface. Actually my husband went through this exact thing. He was left with all the caregiver stuff when I got sick so he was running around taking care of business and no time to really think about it all. After I was on my road to 'recovery' he had a full blown nervous breakdown, after the fact it seemed but because things had slowed down in treatment etc he now had time to think and it all came tumbling out. So, for you I would totally think about going to see a good grief counsellor because of the loss of your health, they can be very effective - don't wait til you have a breakdown. If you feel more comfortable with your minister at church or a psychologist, fine, but grief counsellors are very helpful. Often when we have too many details to deal with in a shocking experience, either patient or caregiver, we put on a brave face for others and ourselves but later the true emotions emerge when all settles down. It's common. Laughing and joking around is a great medicine during treatment but it can get carried away and mask our true feelings about the experience if it's taken too far. At least these have been my experiences. Hope all goes better for you in the days and weeks to come. Don't rule out the side effects of your meds as well, talk to your oncologist/family doctor/pharmacist regarding the possiblity of mood altering meds you are ingesting. Think about the therapist, they can really help get you to a better place. God Bless
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #26
    blueroses said:

    Could be a combo of things
    Hi Tasha,

    When I first read your post I connected with what you were saying because in the beginning many are very hopeful and want to just get it all done so we put on a happy face and yuck it up with the chemo nurses etc and talk ourselves into the fact that we are doing totally fine, no problem. But the reality is, of course, it is a problem and it is a shock to the system so in essence, although being positive is totally the right way to go, sometimes it covers up our true emotions. Then the drugs hit and the side effects of those might well unmask the true emotions causing this pit you went into. Even if the drugs didn't have anything to do with the plunge you had, very often after a traumatic incidence takes place there is often a downwards drift in emotions. While you were having the treatments all you could do was focus on them and still were probably in shock from diagnosis so it was enough for you to handle but after it was all done then the true emotions rose to the surface. Actually my husband went through this exact thing. He was left with all the caregiver stuff when I got sick so he was running around taking care of business and no time to really think about it all. After I was on my road to 'recovery' he had a full blown nervous breakdown, after the fact it seemed but because things had slowed down in treatment etc he now had time to think and it all came tumbling out. So, for you I would totally think about going to see a good grief counsellor because of the loss of your health, they can be very effective - don't wait til you have a breakdown. If you feel more comfortable with your minister at church or a psychologist, fine, but grief counsellors are very helpful. Often when we have too many details to deal with in a shocking experience, either patient or caregiver, we put on a brave face for others and ourselves but later the true emotions emerge when all settles down. It's common. Laughing and joking around is a great medicine during treatment but it can get carried away and mask our true feelings about the experience if it's taken too far. At least these have been my experiences. Hope all goes better for you in the days and weeks to come. Don't rule out the side effects of your meds as well, talk to your oncologist/family doctor/pharmacist regarding the possiblity of mood altering meds you are ingesting. Think about the therapist, they can really help get you to a better place. God Bless

    Thank you Blueroses
    I often read your postings on here and you usually make a lot of sense... But on this occasion I think you hit the nail right on the head. I will ask my GP tomorrow about some sort of councelling as I am rapidly digging myself into a deeper hole here. I guess the time has come to go off "Fly Past" and admit a problem. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Julia
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    #27
    tasha_111 said:

    Thank you Blueroses
    I often read your postings on here and you usually make a lot of sense... But on this occasion I think you hit the nail right on the head. I will ask my GP tomorrow about some sort of councelling as I am rapidly digging myself into a deeper hole here. I guess the time has come to go off "Fly Past" and admit a problem. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Julia

    Anytime tasha
    The only reason I, like most on this site can, 'hit the nail right on the head' with our postings, from time to time, is because most of us have lived the issue we are talking about and then can in turn validate others who are at different stages in this cancer experience. If you go through experiences as traumatic, difficult and life changing as cancer then I feel we all owe it to others, to share and try and help them get through the experience as well. I went to a counsellor at several points throughout my cancer experience and they helped me get through the bumps. I don't know why some people feel strange or shy about seeking counselling, it's the wise thing to do when we find ourselves 'stuck' in one thing or another. I am a firm believer in, right after diagnosis, patients being funneled into counsellors to let patients know, from the get go, what to expect, not only physically but emotionally as well, throughout the process. If they were connected right off the bat then they would feel less awkward about touching base again with that counsellor should the need arise. After diagnosis I was just plugged into physical resources but nothing to help me deal with it all emotionally. All the best with it Tasha, you are a survivor - you can get through this stage as well. Let us know how you are doing. The site is here for you. If you get a chance to come into our chatroom here you will find great support and validation there as well. Hope to see you there.
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #28
    blueroses said:

    Anytime tasha
    The only reason I, like most on this site can, 'hit the nail right on the head' with our postings, from time to time, is because most of us have lived the issue we are talking about and then can in turn validate others who are at different stages in this cancer experience. If you go through experiences as traumatic, difficult and life changing as cancer then I feel we all owe it to others, to share and try and help them get through the experience as well. I went to a counsellor at several points throughout my cancer experience and they helped me get through the bumps. I don't know why some people feel strange or shy about seeking counselling, it's the wise thing to do when we find ourselves 'stuck' in one thing or another. I am a firm believer in, right after diagnosis, patients being funneled into counsellors to let patients know, from the get go, what to expect, not only physically but emotionally as well, throughout the process. If they were connected right off the bat then they would feel less awkward about touching base again with that counsellor should the need arise. After diagnosis I was just plugged into physical resources but nothing to help me deal with it all emotionally. All the best with it Tasha, you are a survivor - you can get through this stage as well. Let us know how you are doing. The site is here for you. If you get a chance to come into our chatroom here you will find great support and validation there as well. Hope to see you there.

    blueroses
    Thank you so much.... Julia X
  • sandybe
    sandybe Member Posts: 40
    #29
    tasha_111 said:

    blueroses
    Thank you so much.... Julia X

    Sounds Familiar
    Tasha, your story sounds very familiar. I was the same way as you as far as joking around and being very up. I still am very up, but in a much different way. For some people I think they are happy when something is being done about the cancer and it is being treated. Once treatments are done the fear sets in of it returning. I know myself I felt safe as long as I was having the treatments, once the treatments were done it was back to the unknown part of life again.
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #30
    sandybe said:

    Sounds Familiar
    Tasha, your story sounds very familiar. I was the same way as you as far as joking around and being very up. I still am very up, but in a much different way. For some people I think they are happy when something is being done about the cancer and it is being treated. Once treatments are done the fear sets in of it returning. I know myself I felt safe as long as I was having the treatments, once the treatments were done it was back to the unknown part of life again.

    sandybe
    Exactly! Thanks Julia
  • nsquirrely
    nsquirrely Member Posts: 50
    #31
    Time to shut down
    I truly understand the need to just shut down and mutate so to speak. It just all seems so overwhelming and there are days when yes it's one of those "WTF" days. That was one of the posting I found interesting. Someone else said they used to be an up person. I was so a glass half full person before all this crap happened. I tried to live each day to the fullest and be optimistic about things. I was one of those change what you can, accept what you can't and know the difference people. I am not real sure what happened to all that optimism. It just up and flew the coop. Perhaps it was the day I went to see the doctor feeling great and confident that all was well with the world only to be told that I had cancer. Somehow that was just the end of the glass half full. It certainly leaves you feeling totally lost and unable to find out where you went after that. That person who walked into the office just never walked out. I Thought I may have saw her a few times on the sidelines waiting but I must have been wrong. She just doesn't exist anymore so, therefore, I deserve to shut down when i feel like it and so do each and everyone of you who find that today is just too overwhelming and you just need a pass for the day. That doesn't mean a pass for life but just for today , it's okay. Happiness is a choice that we can all make but sometimes you just need a break from it all.
  • larry59
    larry59 Member Posts: 41
    #32
    nsquirrely said:

    Time to shut down
    I truly understand the need to just shut down and mutate so to speak. It just all seems so overwhelming and there are days when yes it's one of those "WTF" days. That was one of the posting I found interesting. Someone else said they used to be an up person. I was so a glass half full person before all this crap happened. I tried to live each day to the fullest and be optimistic about things. I was one of those change what you can, accept what you can't and know the difference people. I am not real sure what happened to all that optimism. It just up and flew the coop. Perhaps it was the day I went to see the doctor feeling great and confident that all was well with the world only to be told that I had cancer. Somehow that was just the end of the glass half full. It certainly leaves you feeling totally lost and unable to find out where you went after that. That person who walked into the office just never walked out. I Thought I may have saw her a few times on the sidelines waiting but I must have been wrong. She just doesn't exist anymore so, therefore, I deserve to shut down when i feel like it and so do each and everyone of you who find that today is just too overwhelming and you just need a pass for the day. That doesn't mean a pass for life but just for today , it's okay. Happiness is a choice that we can all make but sometimes you just need a break from it all.

    keep up hope
    nsquirrey, please ease up on youself. Help is available in all forms, even faith in God, even though I am an agnostic heathen. No matter what you have researchers everywhere are working on cures and it could come any day. Keep the faith. And rely on folks here this is a good support site. Please write back.....Larry59
  • nsquirrely
    nsquirrely Member Posts: 50
    #33
    larry59 said:

    keep up hope
    nsquirrey, please ease up on youself. Help is available in all forms, even faith in God, even though I am an agnostic heathen. No matter what you have researchers everywhere are working on cures and it could come any day. Keep the faith. And rely on folks here this is a good support site. Please write back.....Larry59

    Time to shut down
    Larry
    Thank you for replying.
    Wow, I didn't realize that it sounded that bad. I was truly just putting into words things I feel and need to find some sort of peace with in order to deal with it all. Perhaps I am more of a basketcase than even I realize(LOL). I would enjoy your take on other thoughts I have posted. I may really need to go for that therapy even I can't pay for it. I could add it to the list of other medical bills that are waiting in the hat saying pick me this month.
    Hugs and Prayers
    Shirley
  • JH32
    JH32 Member Posts: 19
    #34
    nsquirrely said:

    Time to shut down
    I truly understand the need to just shut down and mutate so to speak. It just all seems so overwhelming and there are days when yes it's one of those "WTF" days. That was one of the posting I found interesting. Someone else said they used to be an up person. I was so a glass half full person before all this crap happened. I tried to live each day to the fullest and be optimistic about things. I was one of those change what you can, accept what you can't and know the difference people. I am not real sure what happened to all that optimism. It just up and flew the coop. Perhaps it was the day I went to see the doctor feeling great and confident that all was well with the world only to be told that I had cancer. Somehow that was just the end of the glass half full. It certainly leaves you feeling totally lost and unable to find out where you went after that. That person who walked into the office just never walked out. I Thought I may have saw her a few times on the sidelines waiting but I must have been wrong. She just doesn't exist anymore so, therefore, I deserve to shut down when i feel like it and so do each and everyone of you who find that today is just too overwhelming and you just need a pass for the day. That doesn't mean a pass for life but just for today , it's okay. Happiness is a choice that we can all make but sometimes you just need a break from it all.

    You have company
    Have you ever felt like you are floating above yourself at times and looking down on people talking to you about how sure they are you will be fine. They mean well, but they have no idea and I've come to the conclusion that they just don't know what else to say. I too was always upbeat and positive- and ironically just started going to church again after 25 years, when I was diagnosed. I have very down days, just last Friday, but can be fine the next. It doesn't make my situation any better but when I truly look around me at others there is always someone struggling with some physical problem that makes mine look like nothing. I try to remember the lighter days, watch comedies to make myself laugh and believe that time will get me back to normal...or at least close enough! After all these years of doing the 'manly' thing and holding back crying, I've found that it actually lets out a lot of the frustration and gets me back to feeling I can fight this thing faster. Hang in there because you have a lot of company.
  • sandybe
    sandybe Member Posts: 40
    #35
    JH32 said:

    You have company
    Have you ever felt like you are floating above yourself at times and looking down on people talking to you about how sure they are you will be fine. They mean well, but they have no idea and I've come to the conclusion that they just don't know what else to say. I too was always upbeat and positive- and ironically just started going to church again after 25 years, when I was diagnosed. I have very down days, just last Friday, but can be fine the next. It doesn't make my situation any better but when I truly look around me at others there is always someone struggling with some physical problem that makes mine look like nothing. I try to remember the lighter days, watch comedies to make myself laugh and believe that time will get me back to normal...or at least close enough! After all these years of doing the 'manly' thing and holding back crying, I've found that it actually lets out a lot of the frustration and gets me back to feeling I can fight this thing faster. Hang in there because you have a lot of company.

    Understanding
    I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to have cancer or be diagnosed with cancer unless it happens to you personally. This website is a great way for all of us to vent and have someone that truly understands how we feel and to know we are not alone. The second time my cancer came back I needed something to make me not have to think for awhile, I was definitely overloaded. I went to my doctor and his comment to me was "why is it any different this time?" I almost fell on the floor with that comment. Sometimes shutting down is the only way we can protect ourselves.
  • JH32
    JH32 Member Posts: 19
    #36
    sandybe said:

    Understanding
    I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to have cancer or be diagnosed with cancer unless it happens to you personally. This website is a great way for all of us to vent and have someone that truly understands how we feel and to know we are not alone. The second time my cancer came back I needed something to make me not have to think for awhile, I was definitely overloaded. I went to my doctor and his comment to me was "why is it any different this time?" I almost fell on the floor with that comment. Sometimes shutting down is the only way we can protect ourselves.

    your doc
    I would not put any emotion into what my/your doctor said. They are focused on their own particular day to day specialty and can't seem to look up at the overall picture. Mine is prostate cancer and all my surgeon can say is 'use it or lose it' like it is some kind of joke. Amazing that they can be around it every day and still not know how to deal with it. I have learned since my father died, my business partner went through a terrible cancer, and now mine that dancing around it is not the way to go. I appreciate, and hope I have become, the person that looks you in eye and talks directly about the issue. None of the 'you'll be fine' comments.

    Know that we are all dealing with whether or not it comes back. Stay strong on most days and fight the thing. Shutting down on some days needs to happen, but overall lean on your own strength and push back- don't let a person (doctor) that treats your situation like another day at the office get to you. Remember that courage is not the lack of fear, but the ability to push past it.
  • JH32
    JH32 Member Posts: 19
    #37
    nsquirrely said:

    Time to shut down
    I truly understand the need to just shut down and mutate so to speak. It just all seems so overwhelming and there are days when yes it's one of those "WTF" days. That was one of the posting I found interesting. Someone else said they used to be an up person. I was so a glass half full person before all this crap happened. I tried to live each day to the fullest and be optimistic about things. I was one of those change what you can, accept what you can't and know the difference people. I am not real sure what happened to all that optimism. It just up and flew the coop. Perhaps it was the day I went to see the doctor feeling great and confident that all was well with the world only to be told that I had cancer. Somehow that was just the end of the glass half full. It certainly leaves you feeling totally lost and unable to find out where you went after that. That person who walked into the office just never walked out. I Thought I may have saw her a few times on the sidelines waiting but I must have been wrong. She just doesn't exist anymore so, therefore, I deserve to shut down when i feel like it and so do each and everyone of you who find that today is just too overwhelming and you just need a pass for the day. That doesn't mean a pass for life but just for today , it's okay. Happiness is a choice that we can all make but sometimes you just need a break from it all.

    shuting down
    nsquirrey,
    If you have been upbeat most of your life, then good things have come to you. I try to keep that in mind as I deal with my cancer and not let the fact that it has happened to me cut off those feelings. This is a true test of your optimism and strength- we have all seen someone hit hard by life that can't get up. Be strong and get up when you are ready, gather your strength, put your hand on the ground, and push yourself up to face it again. Getting sad and down is to be expected with cancer. Getting back up just proves that you are strong, getting back up from a weak experience proves nothing- your buddies in the fight- Jim
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #38
    JH32 said:

    shuting down
    nsquirrey,
    If you have been upbeat most of your life, then good things have come to you. I try to keep that in mind as I deal with my cancer and not let the fact that it has happened to me cut off those feelings. This is a true test of your optimism and strength- we have all seen someone hit hard by life that can't get up. Be strong and get up when you are ready, gather your strength, put your hand on the ground, and push yourself up to face it again. Getting sad and down is to be expected with cancer. Getting back up just proves that you are strong, getting back up from a weak experience proves nothing- your buddies in the fight- Jim

    Unexpected "gifts"!
    All last week, I had been anticipating the removal of the accumulating leaves on my lawn, which I have been ignoring for too long. Friday afternoon, I came home from work only to discover them gone! One of my neighbors (and, I still don't know who?) raked them for me!

    Sometimes, problems resolve themselves in the most unexpected ways.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick
  • nsquirrely
    nsquirrely Member Posts: 50
    #39
    JH32 said:

    shuting down
    nsquirrey,
    If you have been upbeat most of your life, then good things have come to you. I try to keep that in mind as I deal with my cancer and not let the fact that it has happened to me cut off those feelings. This is a true test of your optimism and strength- we have all seen someone hit hard by life that can't get up. Be strong and get up when you are ready, gather your strength, put your hand on the ground, and push yourself up to face it again. Getting sad and down is to be expected with cancer. Getting back up just proves that you are strong, getting back up from a weak experience proves nothing- your buddies in the fight- Jim

    Time to shut down
    Jim
    Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I have found that posting my thoughts and feelings here has helped me to put a lot of things in perspective. Just writing back to someone who is having a bad day can change my atitude. A light bulb comes on and you realize that You've had those same feelings and the encouragement you give to another person helps you as well. I'm doing better not great but everything I've read and written here has given me a better view of things
    Hugs and prayers
    Shirley
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    #40
    terato said:

    Unexpected "gifts"!
    All last week, I had been anticipating the removal of the accumulating leaves on my lawn, which I have been ignoring for too long. Friday afternoon, I came home from work only to discover them gone! One of my neighbors (and, I still don't know who?) raked them for me!

    Sometimes, problems resolve themselves in the most unexpected ways.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

    Can I .....
    borrow your neighbour Rick?
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    #41
    nsquirrely said:

    Time to shut down
    Jim
    Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I have found that posting my thoughts and feelings here has helped me to put a lot of things in perspective. Just writing back to someone who is having a bad day can change my atitude. A light bulb comes on and you realize that You've had those same feelings and the encouragement you give to another person helps you as well. I'm doing better not great but everything I've read and written here has given me a better view of things
    Hugs and prayers
    Shirley

    Shutdown, gear up, Shutdown, gear up, Shutdown, yada yada
    I started this discussion point back in October I think at a time when it was that overwhelming time for me that we have all discussed so often and from so many different angles. Climbed out of it with the help of the site and all of you and last week - KABOOM, back into it with the start of some lower back pain from HELL. Had no idea what the heck this was now, never felt anything like it in my life. Had to call an ambulance and off I went to the E.R. writhing in pain the whole way. Got there and started on morphine and after several tests and a CT oh joy of joy A FREAKIN KIDNEY STONE. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Just what I needed, another screwed up body part and yippee a new specialist to add to the list - a Urologist. The pain knocked me out for a couple of days on and off and it has gone a few days ago but I am just drained. Now the procedures are building up again, some still postponed from the last overwhelming grouping of them - colonoscopy, nail surgery, blah blah blah - tack on another procedure what the heck. So back into the world of overwhelmed, things have been at a total standstill since the stone reared it's ugly form. I am sleeping most of the day and dread the next docs trip, which is tomorrow, the Urologist - joy. Feeling faint at times when I try to do anything around the house, not sure why, just too much methinks. Not sure when I will be on next. Take care all, there have been some great postings, keep up the support, we all need it from time to time. Hugs all around.

    P.S. FYI the ER doc told me that with lymphoma patients kidney stones are more common than in other groups, great. Sigh. He was going on about lymphoma patients not being able to process calcium in the same way or something but I was in so much pain I wasn't computing much other than in lymphoma patients it's more common to get the stones. Pencil in another after effect, anyone got a longer pad of paper? Sigh.

    P.P.S. On the upside of this visit to the ER I have to say it was one of the better visits in I don't know how long. All went well from the fact that it was a weekend, usually not a good thing with all the eager young residents, to the ambulance drivers to the nurses. Even though I was in there for almost 8 hours things went smoothly which is pretty much a miracle since I overheard a doc say that there were no more beds left in the hospital at all, even ICU -all filled. He said that there were stretchers down every hall as well, sheeesh. I was lucky to get into the ER at all, if I had come by cab I would have been writhing on the floor in the waiting area no doubt but the ambulance got me straight in. Just a little aside.

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