Shortened Life

RE said:

I am sorry you are having such a bum day. Believe you me I understand, I think we all have them. I too was the caregive for my Mom when she was passing of cancer and I lost my sister to cancer this past Dec. I also assisted in her care. I am normally quite positive, but I find myself telling my husband he needs to retire so we can start traveling before I die. He hates to hear it, but it is how I feel sometimes. I was just telling him today how I can be having a wonderful day and see or hear something that reminds me that I have the cancer monkey on my back and boom I am crying. Seems silly since I have survived for ten years since the first day I was diagnosed. I know you mentioned that there are others in worse places, but that doesn't mean that your feelings are any less real or meaningful. For me those tough moments are just that, moments. We have a right to feel threatened and scared, cancer is scary! Once it passes I try to remind myself that cancer has already taken parts of my body and I have to ward it off so it does not steal my joy. We also have a right to have joy! I truly hope you feel better soon. Hugs to you!!!! Rena

3cbrca said:

I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad. I have had a bad couple of weeks along the same lines, but a couple of days ago it lifted. I was in a lot of pain and they put my drains back in (my surgery was in April 07 but I kept having complications). I hadn't realized how much and how long I've been in physical pain from the seromas. While the drains are uncomfortable, I haven't felt this good in weeks. If you're having physical pain it is soooo important to get it under control. I now know that it was a big part of what was causing me to ruminate and worry and just feel bad about dying. Getting that fluid out has changed all of that. Also my surgeon is so easy to talk to so we talked about my fear that it was back and my need to feel some control. I have appts with my med onc and rad onc this coming Friday and we talked a lot about what the next steps are - no one will tell me I'm in remission - more like everyone's holding their breath.

I've done a few other things in the last few days that have brought back my more optimistic self. I spoke with a therapist on Thursday and she got right to the bottom of it. I have a mentally ill brother who is very emotionally dependent on me more than any other siblings. I discovered that I was (and still am) so worried about what will happen to him and who will take care of him when I die. I've been avoiding making arrangements for him and my therapist is now helping me to do that - every time I feel bad and frightened of death, she suggested that I just write down one of the things I need to do for him. We will then work together to make it a real plan for him. I also had a massage at a place that was founded by a nun and the massage is healing. This time it was incredible because my massage therapist got nauseated and had to leave the room. I didn't believe in anything like healing touch and bad energy, but I think I do now. After she came back in the room she explained to me that it happens sometimes when she is close to a client and they are going through something bad like cancer. I told her I was thinking about something sad started talking about what was bothering me and a lot of the pain and fear lifted. It was pretty stunning. I guess for me I need to talk about it out loud with a person I trust and it somehow "detoxifies" me. One thing I know for sure, when I do go, there will be nothing left unsaid and anyone who is important to me will know how I feel (as will those who have made me mad in the last year). Our struggles are the same and yet we are all so different. I don't know if the same things work for you, but I now it helps me to know I'm not the only one who feels badly and that I have seen others work through and come out of it - then I know I can too.
Sheilah

jackiemanz said:

I am so sorry that you are feeling so blue. I have also been there. You feel like you are the only one going through this but know that you are not. You mentioned that you feel so alone but please know that your husband and children are going through this also. When I was going through this last year my husband sat down with me one day and cried because I shut him out and he wanted to help me anyway he could. The reason I shut him out was cause I went into a depression turns out so once I got on Lexapro for it I started feeling better about myself physically, mentally and started expressing my feelings to my husband. He has become my rock through all of this mess.

Just try to keep postive thoughts. This will get better for you.

Big HUG for ya.
Jackie

KathiM said:

Oh dear, sweet soul. I am putting my arms around you.

We all (me, too) have times of feeling low...it's only natural in defense of all the terrorist tactics that cancer uses...as you post, so have we all at one time or another...

As far as the end of life. I, too, have no fear of dying now...but, owing to my faith, there is no way that I will decided the time. That is not up to me. My father took his life, God rest his soul, my daughter died recently by someone else's hand (we are pretty sure). I am here till I am done, whenever that is.

Believe me, any pain hubby and your family may be going thru for you, it would not hold a candle to the pain after losing you. I know.

'Weary' is the word I used when I was facing the 2nd set of chemo/rads in 6 months (breast followed rectal). It may sound shallow, but there IS a brighter time coming!!!! Find distractions, and something every day to laugh about. And look around you, there are moments to experience that may be missed by the general population...an unexpected bird in a tree, flowers poking up out of the ground. The smell of apple pie baking...mmmmm....and, of course, the lucious taste of chocolate!!!!

This will pass, dearheart. If it lasts longer than a few days, consider talking to someone. I did, after the loss of a close friend to brain cancer....

Hugs, Kathi

phoenixrising said:

Dear Angela, what a sad day you are having. My heart goes out to you with the others. You are tired and perhaps need to rest. To rest from worry, from agonizing about our predicament, from all the pain that goes with this journey.
Sometimes the continued thinking about it seems to keep it alive. If you could perhaps lie down for 10-20 min and just clear your head and let it all go. A sort of "hand it over to the Gods and let them sort it out" attitude because I'm not convinced we have any say in it anyway. I think this releases the pressure from you resisting the pain, fighting to feel good.

I don't know if this makes any sense but years ago my cat taught me a good lesson in her death. Snobbish and cranky I loved her dearly and when she passed I cried like a baby. But in the midst of it, it came to me to not resist the pain but let it wash over me. And I viewed it like a third party.
It came and went, but when it was done, it was truly done. I try to remember that experience during tough times. You honored your feelings today, raw, open and honest. Don't feel bad about it or guilty, I think it's healing.

I often remember a quote from a movie that I think has relevance here. It is: Follow the raven into the dark and he will lead you to the light.

On the other side of this dark and depression is joy, peace and contentment, we just need to let it blow through us without sticking.

Angela, I don't know if I've made any sense, but do know that my heart and prayers go out to you and that you get through this.

lots of hugs and tears
jan

mgm42 said:

Oh Angela. You have been so helpful to me over these past few weeks. I only wish I had some magic pill to make the pain go away and make it all better for you. Unfortunately, I don't. But I can understand what you are saying about the loss of your innocence. That's how I felt when my 24 year old daughter was dx with Hodgkins. I thought I would never see a another day free from fear, anger and greif. Guess what!? That was almost 17 years ago. She's still here, smiling, happy and well. And her two wonderful boys, my grandsons are here, too. I'm in the throws of breast cancer right now and chemo starts this Thursday. Once again, I'm thinking that I will worry constantly about the state of my health forever; never face a day without worrying about my cancer and how it will affect my family. But then I remember how it was with my daughter and I know that "this too shall pass." No, we won't be innocent ever again, but we will have the wisdom that allows us to be able to enjoy the sunrise and the beauty of that flower. I know you have that wisdom. It's just hiding inside of you somewhere and needs a little time to resurface. Give it that time to refresh. Hang in there, kiddo, and bless you. Hugs, Marilynn