Shortened Life

survivor51

Skybuf said:

Dear Angela....we are here for you. We all have 'those' days and thoughts. I remember all too well having 3 sleepless nights in a row...I didn't have anything to help me sleep then. It seemed to me the 'devil' (enemy) whatever you want to call it, was having a field day with my emotions....it was like a mouse maze going on in my brain all night....in the darkest hours when hubby went to sleep, I paced the floor, couldn't sleep or think straight. I remember going into the bathroom and closing the door, I burried my face in a large towel and just screamed, cried and wept for about an hour and a half.....then as they say, Joy comes in the morning, when I realised that 'devil' was playing with my mind I stopped...kicked it out and told it to leave me and my brain alone! I prayed for Gods peace to fill me so full there wasn't room for anything else. I don't get those thoughts anymore. I had myself a doozy of a 'pity party' and we are allowed for sure. I went to the family dr and got something to help me sleep, as he said, "If you aren't sleeping well you can't heal well" so I took the meds....zzzzz sleep well now
This too shall pass....and I do pray God touches you where you are and His perfect peace fills your being.....love and Hugs
Buffy

Buffy,
It seems that so many of my sisters on this site totally understand. I have a fantastic hubby and I find that I do the same and hide with towel in hand. I am surprised how many days I can go without sleep and just keep on going. I can't tell you how much I feel a togetherness with each and everyone of you. I just realized that it was last February when I began this ride with all of you. Maybe that is why I'm feeling this way. I do appreciate being a part of all of you and ones that truly understand the pain, glad, fear, joy, hate, anger, etc,etc,etc. So many emotions over a year span. Thanks so much Buffy, Angela

kbc4869

Dear Angela,

I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling so blue. I completely understand. I have been there. From diagnosis through treatment, I fought like a champ and, for the most part, did not allow myself to go to that place that is so dark, scary, and low. I kept pushing it away. It finally caught up to me at the end of treatment (yes, feeling physically terrible I believe added to it). I remember being in so much emotional pain that my entire body ached. It was hard to breath. There is no way to explain it to someone else who hasn't gone through it, but it's a physical pain, and it feels as if your heart is really breaking. But what I found is that once I allowed myself to go to that place that I dreaded, only then was I able to pull myself up and out. Sometimes you have let yourself go to the place that you fear the most in order to lift yourself up. Once I went there, I allowed myself to mourn and really feel the loss of everything -- the fear, the diagnosis, my hair, my innocence, maybe leaving my family, dying too young . . . everything. And after a while, I got better. I went and stayed with my parents for a weekend and allowed them to take care of me. I have been blue since, but never as bad as that again.

There is light at the end of that tunnel. You will see it. It's unrealistic that we should be strong and positive all the time. It's a process and a cycle.

Take good care and I'll say a little prayer that you will feel lightness soon.

Oh, and trying breathing -- I know it sounds silly, but take deep breaths when you feel low and try to push it all out. Imagine that you are expeling all the bad thoughts, feelings, fear, and pain.

Hugs,
Kim

survivor51

kbc4869 said:

Dear Angela,

I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling so blue. I completely understand. I have been there. From diagnosis through treatment, I fought like a champ and, for the most part, did not allow myself to go to that place that is so dark, scary, and low. I kept pushing it away. It finally caught up to me at the end of treatment (yes, feeling physically terrible I believe added to it). I remember being in so much emotional pain that my entire body ached. It was hard to breath. There is no way to explain it to someone else who hasn't gone through it, but it's a physical pain, and it feels as if your heart is really breaking. But what I found is that once I allowed myself to go to that place that I dreaded, only then was I able to pull myself up and out. Sometimes you have let yourself go to the place that you fear the most in order to lift yourself up. Once I went there, I allowed myself to mourn and really feel the loss of everything -- the fear, the diagnosis, my hair, my innocence, maybe leaving my family, dying too young . . . everything. And after a while, I got better. I went and stayed with my parents for a weekend and allowed them to take care of me. I have been blue since, but never as bad as that again.

There is light at the end of that tunnel. You will see it. It's unrealistic that we should be strong and positive all the time. It's a process and a cycle.

Take good care and I'll say a little prayer that you will feel lightness soon.

Oh, and trying breathing -- I know it sounds silly, but take deep breaths when you feel low and try to push it all out. Imagine that you are expeling all the bad thoughts, feelings, fear, and pain.

Hugs,
Kim

Kim,
I really appreciate your response and I was great during treatment and to be honest didn't even think of myself as a cancer patient. I was so good at faking that I faked myself but now it has caught up with me. I don't feel such an idiot and realize that my feelings are real and apparently part of the process. I hate the process but I know it is needed to go further. Thanks, Angela