How to overcome fear of losing your spouse?

gauchayshunk
gauchayshunk Member Posts: 2 Member
edited May 13 in Kidney Cancer #1

Hi, kidney cancer family. My wife's story is a unique one. She found out about her kidney cancer in May of this year and by July she had a full nephrectomy of her right kidney. After analyzing the stage 3 tumor, the surgeon said there is no evidence of spread and that they were able to completely remove the cancer. He gives her a less than 10% chance of recurrence. So from the time we knew about the cancer to the time there is no cancer is less than two months. But those two months were hell on earth, and I spent the whole time wondering if I was going to lose my soulmate, the mother of my 3 sons, and be left alone to keep our family moving forward.

All signs now indicate that the chances of that are very small. But I can't get my brain and my heart to believe it. I am still constantly worried that my wife is going to die, and it is causing me major anxiety. I have been in to see a therapist, which has definitely been helping. But I'd like to hear from others that have gone through what I'm going through. How do you get past the anxiety of wondering if your spouse is going to die, even when it's no longer likely? My brain says that since there is a chance it will come back, that it's likely going to happen.

I am desperate for any help and solace. I can't be the husband my wife needs and the father my sons need if I'm constantly anxious about my future.

Thank you.

Comments

  • gauchayshunk
    gauchayshunk Member Posts: 2 Member
    #2

    For clarity, she was diagnosed with chromophobe renal cell carcinoma.

  • Bay Area Guy
    Bay Area Guy Member Posts: 620 Member
    #3

    Hi. Very sorry you have to be here and best wishes for your wife’s continued cancer-free life.

    My cancer was also diagnosed as chromophobe. At the time (2016), my surgeon as well as my urologic oncologist, both said that chromophobe RCC grows very slowly and rarely, if ever, spreads.

  • AliceB1950
    AliceB1950 Member Posts: 244 Member
    #4
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/327084/how-to-overcome-fear-of-losing-your-spouse

    Don't you think you're cheating both you and your wife of getting on with your normal lives by worrying this much? My nephrectomy was five years ago. I get my scans and bloodwork as scheduled, look at the results, and discuss those results with my doctor. On two occasions, those results have led to further scans, and once, a biopsy. But in between tests, which are only one or two days out of the year, I get on with my life. This was my third type of cancer (four counting lightweight skin cancers), and I'm still here. Ask yourself what practical use your worrying does - anything come to mind? And speaking as a past patient, if I knew my husband had such negative thoughts about MY life, I'd smack him.

  • Mmoses25
    Mmoses25 Member Posts: 322 Member
    #5

    Sorry you had to be here but I was scared to death when they told me I had stage 3 cancer but let me tell you it gets better with time I just went to have my scans done for my 3 and 1/2 year scan and. They came back ned doctor said he be shock to see it come back now you will get Thur this you got to be strong for your wife

  • Averygirl
    Averygirl Member Posts: 17 Member
    #6

    My husband is going for his second biopsy because they couldn’t get the first by going through the ureter. Anyway I wish someone out there could give me hope as we are new to being diagnosed. Do not know stage or invasive or anything yet…please give me some hope. It is a 3cm tumor in the kidney with just a few enlarged lymph nodes. They are taking a second biopsy this week as my urologist says they need to know what they’re dealing with. Not out of the woods yet as he put it. I’m so scared for my husband.

  • Bay Area Guy
    Bay Area Guy Member Posts: 620 Member
    #7

    Hi Avery girl. 3cm is not very large in our kidney cancer world. Mine was a little more than half that size when it was finally removed. I can’t comment on the lymph nodes because no one said anything about mine.

    At 3cm, depending on the location, if it tests positive, they’ll likely recommend surgery. For anything under 4cm, surgery generally cures the condition. Again, depending on the location, it would likely be a robotic partial nephrectomy, where they take out the cancer and a little bit of surrounding tissue (called margins). My surgery, which removed about 1 cubic inch, took about three hours from the time I was wheeled in to completion, with another hour or so in recovery before one of my nieces woke me up be screaming in my ear. From check-in to discharge was 25-1/2 hours. Pain, for me, was minimal. But that was compared to recovery from a couple of open abdominal surgeries in prior years. But different people will tell you different things regarding pain and recovery.

    The biggest thing I had going for me, besides being treated by some fantastic docs at Stanford Medical Center, was my wife. She kept me on an even keel between the time I was first diagnosed in late 2013 with something on my kidney to June 2016, when I finally had the surgery. Without her, I’d have gone crazier than I usually am.

    Your husband’s gonna be fine.

  • Averygirl
    Averygirl Member Posts: 17 Member
    #8
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1715216#Comment_1715216

    Bay Area Guy.
    so pleased you wrote to me. Bless you for your support. As I think I mentioned in my original comment today was a super long day. I have a great urologist who is trying his best to get a diagnosis, stage, what kind of cancer and if it has spread. I think that’s the scariest part. So this coming week we will have another biopsy with the xray dept at the hospital where they insert a needle and get a biopsy of the kidney and lymph nodes. Right now my urologist said he does not want to do surgery until they see what they are dealing with. But he is pushing to get him situated. The 3cm tumor is inside the right kidney and there are some lymph nodes enlarged. So wonderful your wife is your cheerleader. That’s what it takes. I’m really happy I joined this group. Makes me stronger for him. I appreciate you saying he will be ok. He’s very healthy with minor concerns. This is a real challenge. Very very tough. So happy you are doing well. Thanks for being there

  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,045 Member
    #9

    Voice of experience here…Stage 4 in 2006. RCC 12x10.5x8 cm tumor had already mets to set of nodes behind R. kidney and to left lobe of my liver. All was removed plus gall bladder and congenitally defective duct. Said they got what they could find… which included several biopsies of the rest of my liver at that time. Wait a year and difference between a 9 mo and 12 mo. CT showed a node enlarging. Had it removed. Same story the following year in 2008, with a node in another location.

    Lived my life, traveled, watched grands grow up, still go to work. Lots of CT's, chest X-ray+ us, lab works regularly, biopsy checks on other organs, tests, tests, tests. Last CT was Nov. of 2022. Got a letter from my Oncologist early 2023 that he was retiring and by the way, I only needed to be seen by my internist for any further care, as I was determined to be stable and beyond the care need for him. That baby my son and D-i-L had in 2006 is now at the University of Oregon and ready to play Volleyball for them in the Big 10, or is it 20, now.

    Don't worry about what could happen. Live in the present and plan good stuff for the future. Deal with the highs and lows.

    Good luck and have fun.

    donna_lee

  • Mmoses25
    Mmoses25 Member Posts: 322 Member
    #10

    I got to tell you you are amazing lady your my hero I try to follow what you say and live my life and it’s almost been five years thank you for aways being there I hope you do great in your life big hugs

  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,045 Member
    #11

    Wellllll, had a bit of a set-back on Jan.1. Awoke to find my hubby on the floor of the utility room w/1/2 bath, and as I said to 9-1-1-,"unconscious and unresponsive, and I've started CPR." No amount of EMT's, AED, CPR, etc. could bring him back. When I checked later, he had a bruise on the bone next to his eye that hadn't been there when we went to bed NY EVE. Probably a concussion and brain bleed. (I'd had my FA/CPR refresher with my company crew on 12/7 and did all the right stuff.)

    The next part came about 6 weeks later when I finished tearing the medial and lateral menisci in my right knee that got it's start kneeling on the concrete floor doing CPR. Finally had surgery a week ago and have the whiskery sutures to prove it. It's not healing fast enough for me!! I only missed 2 days of work…save the Oxycodone for bedtime, so I can drive myself around during the day. Have yard work I need to do, a trip to take, and college Volleyball games to go to. My granddaughter will be playing for Oregon this year. Go Ducks!

    Glad cancer is on the back burner for hopefully, never again. MY internist "retired" from the clinic to become a hospitalist, and I'm on a waiting list for one of the new MD's next month. My nephrologist is satisfied with the UA tests and the blood pressure readings.

    At my age, 81, I try to make plans…but always have an alternative. I limped my way onto the planes that took us to Hawaii in June for the older granddaughters' "destination wedding." Hot, Humid, and crowded, so I paced myself. Enjoyed the families, the food and the wedding. Travel is still a ****!.

    And I'm glad I live on the southern Oregon Coast. We had 90-100 degree heat over the 4th weekend. It's back to cool and breezy. Time to go home and put my feet up. Later, folks.

    donna_lee

  • Deanie0916
    Deanie0916 Member Posts: 626 Member
    #12

    Hi, so glad your wife is treated and has a good prognosis. We all understand the fear of recurrence, it's a real thing. Like others have said, time will help lessen the fear. Praying you have peace in your heart, God bless you and your family!

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