How to overcome fear of losing your spouse?

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gauchayshunk
gauchayshunk Member Posts: 2 Member
edited May 10 in Kidney Cancer #1

Hi, kidney cancer family. My wife's story is a unique one. She found out about her kidney cancer in May of this year and by July she had a full nephrectomy of her right kidney. After analyzing the stage 3 tumor, the surgeon said there is no evidence of spread and that they were able to completely remove the cancer. He gives her a less than 10% chance of recurrence. So from the time we knew about the cancer to the time there is no cancer is less than two months. But those two months were hell on earth, and I spent the whole time wondering if I was going to lose my soulmate, the mother of my 3 sons, and be left alone to keep our family moving forward.

All signs now indicate that the chances of that are very small. But I can't get my brain and my heart to believe it. I am still constantly worried that my wife is going to die, and it is causing me major anxiety. I have been in to see a therapist, which has definitely been helping. But I'd like to hear from others that have gone through what I'm going through. How do you get past the anxiety of wondering if your spouse is going to die, even when it's no longer likely? My brain says that since there is a chance it will come back, that it's likely going to happen.

I am desperate for any help and solace. I can't be the husband my wife needs and the father my sons need if I'm constantly anxious about my future.

Thank you.

Comments

  • gauchayshunk
    gauchayshunk Member Posts: 2 Member
    #2
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    For clarity, she was diagnosed with chromophobe renal cell carcinoma.

  • Bay Area Guy
    Bay Area Guy Member Posts: 619 Member
    #3
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    Hi. Very sorry you have to be here and best wishes for your wife’s continued cancer-free life.

    My cancer was also diagnosed as chromophobe. At the time (2016), my surgeon as well as my urologic oncologist, both said that chromophobe RCC grows very slowly and rarely, if ever, spreads.

  • AliceB1950
    AliceB1950 Member Posts: 239 Member
    #4
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    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/327084/how-to-overcome-fear-of-losing-your-spouse

    Don't you think you're cheating both you and your wife of getting on with your normal lives by worrying this much? My nephrectomy was five years ago. I get my scans and bloodwork as scheduled, look at the results, and discuss those results with my doctor. On two occasions, those results have led to further scans, and once, a biopsy. But in between tests, which are only one or two days out of the year, I get on with my life. This was my third type of cancer (four counting lightweight skin cancers), and I'm still here. Ask yourself what practical use your worrying does - anything come to mind? And speaking as a past patient, if I knew my husband had such negative thoughts about MY life, I'd smack him.

  • Mmoses25
    Mmoses25 Member Posts: 321 Member
    #5
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    Sorry you had to be here but I was scared to death when they told me I had stage 3 cancer but let me tell you it gets better with time I just went to have my scans done for my 3 and 1/2 year scan and. They came back ned doctor said he be shock to see it come back now you will get Thur this you got to be strong for your wife

  • Averygirl
    Averygirl Member Posts: 6 Member
    #6
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    My husband is going for his second biopsy because they couldn’t get the first by going through the ureter. Anyway I wish someone out there could give me hope as we are new to being diagnosed. Do not know stage or invasive or anything yet…please give me some hope. It is a 3cm tumor in the kidney with just a few enlarged lymph nodes. They are taking a second biopsy this week as my urologist says they need to know what they’re dealing with. Not out of the woods yet as he put it. I’m so scared for my husband.

  • Bay Area Guy
    Bay Area Guy Member Posts: 619 Member
    #7
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    Hi Avery girl. 3cm is not very large in our kidney cancer world. Mine was a little more than half that size when it was finally removed. I can’t comment on the lymph nodes because no one said anything about mine.

    At 3cm, depending on the location, if it tests positive, they’ll likely recommend surgery. For anything under 4cm, surgery generally cures the condition. Again, depending on the location, it would likely be a robotic partial nephrectomy, where they take out the cancer and a little bit of surrounding tissue (called margins). My surgery, which removed about 1 cubic inch, took about three hours from the time I was wheeled in to completion, with another hour or so in recovery before one of my nieces woke me up be screaming in my ear. From check-in to discharge was 25-1/2 hours. Pain, for me, was minimal. But that was compared to recovery from a couple of open abdominal surgeries in prior years. But different people will tell you different things regarding pain and recovery.

    The biggest thing I had going for me, besides being treated by some fantastic docs at Stanford Medical Center, was my wife. She kept me on an even keel between the time I was first diagnosed in late 2013 with something on my kidney to June 2016, when I finally had the surgery. Without her, I’d have gone crazier than I usually am.

    Your husband’s gonna be fine.

  • Averygirl
    Averygirl Member Posts: 6 Member
    #8
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    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1715216#Comment_1715216

    Bay Area Guy.
    so pleased you wrote to me. Bless you for your support. As I think I mentioned in my original comment today was a super long day. I have a great urologist who is trying his best to get a diagnosis, stage, what kind of cancer and if it has spread. I think that’s the scariest part. So this coming week we will have another biopsy with the xray dept at the hospital where they insert a needle and get a biopsy of the kidney and lymph nodes. Right now my urologist said he does not want to do surgery until they see what they are dealing with. But he is pushing to get him situated. The 3cm tumor is inside the right kidney and there are some lymph nodes enlarged. So wonderful your wife is your cheerleader. That’s what it takes. I’m really happy I joined this group. Makes me stronger for him. I appreciate you saying he will be ok. He’s very healthy with minor concerns. This is a real challenge. Very very tough. So happy you are doing well. Thanks for being there

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