Dreams you'd given up because of cancer?

Maybe things would have still resulted in the final out come if I hadn't had cancer(s).  But I'm saying the dream of being married, growing old with my wife, and experiencing life as a family with my daughter is gone.

It is NEVER NEVER NEVER a waste of time learning something new. If you learned something today and died tomorrow, it enriched your life for a day. 

Plant that garden and watch it grow. 

Slop around on the back of your horse, and laugh at how you look compared to your perfected 'seat'. 

Make new derams, even if they are one day at a time. 

I, along with the rest of us here, do not want to see you so discouraged, and hope it will pass quickly. 

Tru

Trubrit said:

Home, I long for home

I am English born and bred. I now live in the Nevada desert, so you can imagine how homesick I am for the lush, green, wood covered England. 

I went home once, the year of my liver surgery, but it was a hard 24 hour journey, including two flights, one 12 hour flight.  My bowel just isn't predictable enough to want to be tied to one bathroom in a huge plane filled with 200 plus people. 

So, its not a dream, per se, but a longing to go home, that I may never be able to see again the green hills and woods I love so much.  PLUS, my best friend since the age of 12 (I am 60) is there, and it hurts to know we may never see each other again...... now I'm crying....thanks Jan .

BUT I AM ALIVE and I have my canyon and I am happy.  No point in being sad about something that may or may not happen. 

Other than that, I just want to love my husband forever, and see my boys get married and be happy. 

Tru

What about making the trip accross the pond on a cruise ship or freighter?

I have always looked for the good even in the worst of situations. I am a "fixer" by nature and always want to make something bad better. Boy, has that been tested over the last couple of years. I feel like a boxer in the ring who keeps getting hit to the ground but keeps trying to stand back up even if it means hanging on to the rope. I was living on cloud nine with the love of my life in a place that would take your breath away. Life had lined up perfectly and I had never been happier or more at peace in my life. Three months after retiring early and settling into our "dream" spot, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our world fell apart. I watched him waste away before me and there was nothing I could do. Watching him suffer and fight to live ripped me apart. We spent most of the year in and out of hospitals, including the entire month of December. I brought him home in February where he passed a week later. I watched him fight to pull himself up right up until he took his last breath. He was 6'4 and 225 lbs when it started and wasted away to 140lbs when he died. I hated life. I wanted to hit something or somebody. I was so mad at life but there was nobody or nothing to be mad at when I really thought about it. I had already been given so many blessed moments that others never have.  I was ashamed when I thought about the lack of gratitude for the life I had been given. That changed my perspective a lot. Don't get me wrong..I still hate everything about cancer but approaching my life from a place of gratitude truly changed my perspective. I still have moments when I want to "damn it all to hell", but they pass. The property we had was too much for me on my own and I had to sell it. I moved and spent three years remodeling a little cabin and healing my heart and soul. I had a brand new plan and had finally made peace with losing him. Life was once again full of promise and I was ready to set sail again. I had leased an apartment in the middle of a town I loved and was signing up for herbalist school. I woke up from a routine colonoscopy to find I had colon cancer and it was in my liver...same exact diagnosis as my husband. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails. My life did a 90 degree turn in a matter of days. What I learned is that life will still keep doing it's thing no matter what we think or do. After my surgery, I chose not to do chemo anymore. I made a decision to truly enjoy the moments I have left, regardless if I have 30 years or just 30 days. Being on chemo robbed me of my spirit and my soul. Feeling like "me" and having clear, good days is immensly important to me even if I risk cutting my time here short. Then again, who knows? I may get hit by a bus tomorrow..lol.. I look for blessings in every moment I am given...the smile from the stranger passing...the door being held for me...they are there if we chose to see them. I hope the low moments pass quickly for you and you feel the warmth of sun and life wrapping around you soon. Your posts and sharing what you have gone thru on this site have been blessings to many when they needed it most. Get on that horse and ride every chance you get.  Huge hug...M

JanJan63 said:

Thank you. It's really

Thank you. It's really incredible that you both have/had the same cancer. It's crazy. But I love your attitude!

I forgot to add that in March of 2013 I bought a business. I was the owner of a dog daycare business and spent the year working my butt off improving it and I worked there, of course, I quadrupled the clientelle, and received the Entrepreneur of the Year award that summer. I was SO happy. I owned my own business, I was watching it grow, I got to be with dogs all day, I was living the dream. It was taken away once I received my diagnosis. I tried for a while and then realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was a heartbreaking kick in the pants.

I just hate feeling like I should just be grateful to be alive. I am, of course, but is it so much to want more than just existing? Healthy people don't have to think this way. That stupid saying "well, at least you have your health" always sounded so insipid but now it means something to me. Because I'll never have it again. Some days I resent people who seem healthy and are living life the way they want. I know that's ugly but I can't help it. I want to just be able to do basic things, too. Is it so much to ask that I can have a freaking veggie garden and be able to look after it? 

Anyway, soory to everyone that's reading this crap that I'm spewing. Most days I can just deal with it and enjoy what little I have and be happy if I'm strong anout to clean the house properly or make dinner without getting short of breath or having to sit down over and over. My world has become so small and I'm angry about it, that's all. I'm sure we all go through this at times.

I'm going to start taking a book and alawn chair and sitting in my horse's paddock with him and his little buddy, my daughter's young horse that's sweet like a puppy and as eager for attention. No chemo so this year I should be able to sit in the sun, not like the last coupleof years.

Jan

I used to lay beside my husband and pray that God would give me some of the pain and suffering he was carrying..three years later I am diagnosed with the exact same cancer and in the same locations..Trust me, it sure gave me some dood for thought during my darkest days but hope always led me back to truth. I can’t blame my maker or anyone else for the the lottery ticket I got. It was just part of lessons on my journey here..Although I’m feeling like I’m long overdue for some “fun” lessons.. lol.. hugs, M

It took away my dreams and hopes. It took away my everyday normal life. It took away my looks.  Opportunities to travel freely to my native Europe and spend time with the family. Butt. 

JanJan63 said:

Thank you. That's the hard

Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.

But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Jan 

The spring I was undergoing chemo, I decided I would not have the energy to do my usual garden.  What I did was grow a few plants in containers - I had a tomato plant, a few green beans and some salad greens.  It didn't require a lot of work but I was able to have some fresh veggies that I grew myself.  

I also poked a few flower seeds into corners of my yard.   They didn't all germinate but enough did that I was able to sit outside in my yard and enjoy them.  I really felt awful that June and July so I am sure a conventional garden wouldn't have worked.  

Eileen

Hi Jan! I have been following you for a while and you amaze me. What you have been through mkes my experience like a tiny raindrop. But we are alike in our love of horses, dogs, and gardens. I too moarn the loss of my picture perfect equitation seat. But just being with the horse, grooming, tacking up, and riding makes me forget for a bit all my anxiety and pain. Because as you know, being around horses requires you to focus on the horse and the environment around you. And I have a garden, my husband got me raised planters so it's easier to take care of. Keep on swimming girl!