Dreams you'd given up because of cancer?

Annabelle41415

Life

Wow I've often wondered about this and although I'm 10 years out cancer has turned my life upside down ever since.  I'm not able to eat at a restaurant, go to family functions unless it's close to home and early enough in the day, my daughter (husband in the Army) is stationed in HI and can't visit her because i'm not able to fly in a plane because of bathroom issues (I've not seen my grandkids in 2 years).  I'm just thankful everyday that i'm still here, burdens and all, to be here with my husband, children and grandchildren and take the time I'm able to, when I'm able to, and make the best of it.  I'm glad you can at least experience riding your horse even if it's not the exact way you pictured it.  I'm sure your horse just loves it when you come near and share some quiet time with him/her?  Don't feel like you have let others down, you and everyone else that has medical issues is worth it.  We can't help it and just have to feel lucky we have people that love us so much.  You are worth it.

Kim

JanJan63

Sestra17 said:

Garden

Hi Jan! I have been following you for a while and you amaze me. What you have been through mkes my experience like a tiny raindrop. But we are alike in our love of horses, dogs, and gardens. I too moarn the loss of my picture perfect equitation seat. But just being with the horse, grooming, tacking up, and riding makes me forget for a bit all my anxiety and pain. Because as you know, being around horses requires you to focus on the horse and the environment around you. And I have a garden, my husband got me raised planters so it's easier to take care of. Keep on swimming girl!

Aw, thank you! I'm looking at

Aw, thank you! I'm looking at your picture. Is that a blue roan? Maybe an appy? Nice!  Do you ride english or western? I ride western so I can't put my own saddle on anymore so that's kind of pathetic. I'd never ride alone at this point in case something happened anyway but I hate having to be dependant on my daughter to put it on him.  Prince has Cushing's so I'm out there most dayd at least for a few minutes. I've had him for almost twenty years and he's part of the family. We've had a couple of acreages and it was heaven to have him right outisde. You get to see the silliness of them and really see their personality. I miss it so much. My plan this summer since so far I haven't been sick is to take a book and go out there with a lawn chair and just hang with him. He's in with my daughter's two year old who is a puppy dog.

She got him as a yearling for a crazy low price because he was supposedly injured. The breeder had taken him back and agreed to resell him because the guy that had him couldn't keep him. It turned out he wasn't injured, he had deformed pastern joints. The vet said to put him down but my daughter refused and did some investigating and discovered that they can do alcohol injections and fuse the joints. It take about a year. The vets hadn't done it on such a young horse before, it's usually for arthritis in an older horse, but agreed to try it with no guarantees. Well, it's working. He look like he has windpuffs in his back feet but the vet said it wouldn't be pretty and who cares. He's a doll and we just love him. It's another instance where the experts don't necessarily know everything, a lot like in the cancer world.

My husband says he's going to build me a raised planter soon. I'm not holding my breath but maybe! Yay! There's just something about seeing something growing that is so good for the soul.

Jan

JanJan63

Annabelle41415 said:

Life

Wow I've often wondered about this and although I'm 10 years out cancer has turned my life upside down ever since.  I'm not able to eat at a restaurant, go to family functions unless it's close to home and early enough in the day, my daughter (husband in the Army) is stationed in HI and can't visit her because i'm not able to fly in a plane because of bathroom issues (I've not seen my grandkids in 2 years).  I'm just thankful everyday that i'm still here, burdens and all, to be here with my husband, children and grandchildren and take the time I'm able to, when I'm able to, and make the best of it.  I'm glad you can at least experience riding your horse even if it's not the exact way you pictured it.  I'm sure your horse just loves it when you come near and share some quiet time with him/her?  Don't feel like you have let others down, you and everyone else that has medical issues is worth it.  We can't help it and just have to feel lucky we have people that love us so much.  You are worth it.

Kim

This is because of the

This is because of the reversal of your ostomy, right? Wow, at least I can get out and about and eat at restaurants. I'm sorry for your situation Kim, that really sucks. I'll tell you a funny story about being on a plane and having 'issues'. It's a bit gross but anyway... About a year before my diagnosis my friend took me to Paris. She gets crazy low hotel prices and flights, long story. Anyway, on the flight home my stomach started churning. I had terrible IBS before I got the ostomy. I went to the bathroom on the plane and unloadeda  huge pile of diarrhea, like a huge pile of pudding. I went to flush and it wouldn't go down, it didn't budge at all. I tried using some of the water from the sink but nope, it just sat there. I tried using some toilet paper to get it to go down. nOthing. It sat there like Jabba the Hut, mocking me. Finally, I opened the door and asked someone from the long line that was waiting to get the flight attendant becase there was an issue in the bathroom. Nobody came. So, much to my humiliation, I left it there and went back to me seat. It was mortifying. I have no idea what happend after that. The bathroom was behind me and I wasn't about to look. 

I had a drawing class yesterday at the place in the city that does free classes in all kinds of things for people with cancer. I used to be fairly artistic but haven't done much in forever. It was fun and I rediscovered my love for drawing. It was a really good day amd one of the other participants was a woman who had colon cancer but has been clear for 8 years. Nice! 

I think you should just go and deal with it the best you can and go see those grandkids! Hugs!

Jan

Sestra17

JanJan63 said:

Aw, thank you! I'm looking at

Aw, thank you! I'm looking at your picture. Is that a blue roan? Maybe an appy? Nice!  Do you ride english or western? I ride western so I can't put my own saddle on anymore so that's kind of pathetic. I'd never ride alone at this point in case something happened anyway but I hate having to be dependant on my daughter to put it on him.  Prince has Cushing's so I'm out there most dayd at least for a few minutes. I've had him for almost twenty years and he's part of the family. We've had a couple of acreages and it was heaven to have him right outisde. You get to see the silliness of them and really see their personality. I miss it so much. My plan this summer since so far I haven't been sick is to take a book and go out there with a lawn chair and just hang with him. He's in with my daughter's two year old who is a puppy dog.

She got him as a yearling for a crazy low price because he was supposedly injured. The breeder had taken him back and agreed to resell him because the guy that had him couldn't keep him. It turned out he wasn't injured, he had deformed pastern joints. The vet said to put him down but my daughter refused and did some investigating and discovered that they can do alcohol injections and fuse the joints. It take about a year. The vets hadn't done it on such a young horse before, it's usually for arthritis in an older horse, but agreed to try it with no guarantees. Well, it's working. He look like he has windpuffs in his back feet but the vet said it wouldn't be pretty and who cares. He's a doll and we just love him. It's another instance where the experts don't necessarily know everything, a lot like in the cancer world.

My husband says he's going to build me a raised planter soon. I'm not holding my breath but maybe! Yay! There's just something about seeing something growing that is so good for the soul.

Jan

Garden

Ha, good eye. Yes she's an Appy. Also had Cushings like Prince. She was on pergolide, and that helped get her to 36 years. My sweet Isobel. I ride English and used to jump. Dont't know if you have them up where you live, but a home and garden store called Menards has ready to assemble raised planters about $99. Took me and the Hubby about an hour to put together and they are sturdy and portable. Just a thought

JanJan63

Sestra17 said:

Garden

Ha, good eye. Yes she's an Appy. Also had Cushings like Prince. She was on pergolide, and that helped get her to 36 years. My sweet Isobel. I ride English and used to jump. Dont't know if you have them up where you live, but a home and garden store called Menards has ready to assemble raised planters about $99. Took me and the Hubby about an hour to put together and they are sturdy and portable. Just a thought

Thank you! We don't have that

Thank you! We don't have that store here, unfortunately. My husband has all the tools to make one, he does woodworking, he's just a lazy bugger sometimes. So your mare has passed? I'm so sorry. I had a Peppy San gelding live to be 33 and was put down due to congestive heart failure but I was still showing him up until then. He looked amazing. He was actually featured in aan article on why people saying skinny old horses are just like that because they're old. He was still full of beans. He took a big piece of my heart with him. I have his braided tail above me right now while I'm sitting on the computer.

Do you have another horse now? I can't imagine my life without Prince. 

Jan 

Djspareme

JanJan63 said:

Thank you. That's the hard

Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.

But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Jan 

It's on to ride the pity pony

It's on to ride the pity pony.  Once around the corral.  Then hop off and start something.  Anything. Take your mind off of what you can't do.  Focus on what you CAN

Sestra17

JanJan63 said:

Thank you! We don't have that

Thank you! We don't have that store here, unfortunately. My husband has all the tools to make one, he does woodworking, he's just a lazy bugger sometimes. So your mare has passed? I'm so sorry. I had a Peppy San gelding live to be 33 and was put down due to congestive heart failure but I was still showing him up until then. He looked amazing. He was actually featured in aan article on why people saying skinny old horses are just like that because they're old. He was still full of beans. He took a big piece of my heart with him. I have his braided tail above me right now while I'm sitting on the computer.

Do you have another horse now? I can't imagine my life without Prince. 

Jan 

Hmm, think if I were you I'd

Hmm, think if I were you I'd drag my hubbys' tools out to the yard and start mucking around with them. Men are so weird about their tools, bet it would lite a fire under him LOL, JK. Yes my Izzy passed, also my Appendix Gelding Orion from cancer. Don't currently have a horse but am taking lessons at a very supportive eventing and dressage farm. Seriously the only time I can forget about my woes. I know saddles are a very individual thing, but maybe you could find a synthetic one that's not so heavy. I did that after a spinal fracture and it really helped me feel more independent.

Annabelle41415

JanJan63 said:

This is because of the

This is because of the reversal of your ostomy, right? Wow, at least I can get out and about and eat at restaurants. I'm sorry for your situation Kim, that really sucks. I'll tell you a funny story about being on a plane and having 'issues'. It's a bit gross but anyway... About a year before my diagnosis my friend took me to Paris. She gets crazy low hotel prices and flights, long story. Anyway, on the flight home my stomach started churning. I had terrible IBS before I got the ostomy. I went to the bathroom on the plane and unloadeda  huge pile of diarrhea, like a huge pile of pudding. I went to flush and it wouldn't go down, it didn't budge at all. I tried using some of the water from the sink but nope, it just sat there. I tried using some toilet paper to get it to go down. nOthing. It sat there like Jabba the Hut, mocking me. Finally, I opened the door and asked someone from the long line that was waiting to get the flight attendant becase there was an issue in the bathroom. Nobody came. So, much to my humiliation, I left it there and went back to me seat. It was mortifying. I have no idea what happend after that. The bathroom was behind me and I wasn't about to look. 

I had a drawing class yesterday at the place in the city that does free classes in all kinds of things for people with cancer. I used to be fairly artistic but haven't done much in forever. It was fun and I rediscovered my love for drawing. It was a really good day amd one of the other participants was a woman who had colon cancer but has been clear for 8 years. Nice! 

I think you should just go and deal with it the best you can and go see those grandkids! Hugs!

Jan

Oh my goodness

I'm smiling but not because of your humiliation but because I'd be thinking the same thing as you.  You did try to get help but to no avail.  Ugg doesn't it always seem that way.  It is a 14 hour flight for me and I'd never be able to deal with any issues as my system lets loose in the morning, afternoon and evening whenever it wants and if I'm not able to have my own bathroom it would come out on it's own, sometimes without warning.  Believe me Depends don't work for fecal incontinence, but I'll get her home with those kids this year one way or another.  They miss Grandma and Grandpa terribly, so does our daughter.

I'm so glad you had a good time at the class yesterday and you got to be around people that have been dealing with issues just like you.  Makes it so much easier if you are not feeling "just right" to go there and be yourself.

You deserve all the enjoyment you can get so you go for the gusto girl.  Take it all in and just love every moment.  I'm happy too even with restrictions.  I'll dress up everyday in a dress or slacks because "if I'm looking good, I'm feeling good." 

Hugs!  Kim

beaumontdave

I think it's refreshingly

I think it's refreshingly honest to discuss what life would have been without the cancer, for surely all who get it have pondered that question in a down moment. I can know the price of what I lost and still enjoy the things I can have. Retirement for Cindy and I was to have family rent the house [it was built with a "granny flat" that we'd live in], then we'd bounce around, travel, first in the motorhome, later the cruises and overseas trips, coming home when we wanted, doing as we pleased. Cancer took the savings, took her health for greater periods of time, took the social activities/circle we moved in, took my desire to bond with most folks in anything more than a casual way, took a decade of expanding business opportunities, and finally took the best thing to ever happen to me. The one thing it left me with was an enhanced ability to get more out of the littlest things in life, as that was what was left. And so I do, along with planning to do a more limited version of those old dreams, assuming nothing else ambushes my health or circumstance. What I will try not to do is presume beyond the very near future, as having expectations torn away is painful and depressing. Talking about it all is fine, feeling ripped off is certainly normal, dwelling on it would be unhealthy, but I expect we all know that....................................Dave

JanJan63

Annabelle41415 said:

Oh my goodness

I'm smiling but not because of your humiliation but because I'd be thinking the same thing as you.  You did try to get help but to no avail.  Ugg doesn't it always seem that way.  It is a 14 hour flight for me and I'd never be able to deal with any issues as my system lets loose in the morning, afternoon and evening whenever it wants and if I'm not able to have my own bathroom it would come out on it's own, sometimes without warning.  Believe me Depends don't work for fecal incontinence, but I'll get her home with those kids this year one way or another.  They miss Grandma and Grandpa terribly, so does our daughter.

I'm so glad you had a good time at the class yesterday and you got to be around people that have been dealing with issues just like you.  Makes it so much easier if you are not feeling "just right" to go there and be yourself.

You deserve all the enjoyment you can get so you go for the gusto girl.  Take it all in and just love every moment.  I'm happy too even with restrictions.  I'll dress up everyday in a dress or slacks because "if I'm looking good, I'm feeling good." 

Hugs!  Kim

Thanks Kim! And, yeah, a 14

Thanks Kim! And, yeah, a 14 hour flight is really long!! I've never been there and if I could go it would be from where the airport closest to us, to Vancouver and then acroos to Hawaii. I think just from Vancouver- on the coast- is still something like 8 hours. Long. I'd be exhausted just by that! 

I'm sorry you have to deak with that. It must be very stressful. I had to warn the peoplein the class that my bag might be noisy because for somereason it makes a lot of noise lately. Gas noises. It never has before. My daughter and I were in  museum recently and it was very quiet and serious. It was a mummy exhibit. They warned us about being respectful before we went in. So everyone is in a group because we'd just left the talk beforehand and it's totally quiet and my bag starts making very clear passing wind sounds. I was so embarassed! My daughter is trying to tell me that nobody can hear it but I can hear it so I know they can. It finally stopped after about 10 minutes but it's so clear with the plastic of the pouch. Ugh!

I wish I could say that I dress every day but I don't. Good for you for doing that! I walk around in my comfy clothes with my hair up in a ponytail or a messy bun. I often don't wear make up and used to not go out the door without it. My pants look terrible because they were already comfy pants and then I lost over 40 pounds and went down a few sizes and now my daughter says all of my pants are MC Hammer pants. I don't care.

Jan 

JanJan63

beaumontdave said:

I think it's refreshingly

I think it's refreshingly honest to discuss what life would have been without the cancer, for surely all who get it have pondered that question in a down moment. I can know the price of what I lost and still enjoy the things I can have. Retirement for Cindy and I was to have family rent the house [it was built with a "granny flat" that we'd live in], then we'd bounce around, travel, first in the motorhome, later the cruises and overseas trips, coming home when we wanted, doing as we pleased. Cancer took the savings, took her health for greater periods of time, took the social activities/circle we moved in, took my desire to bond with most folks in anything more than a casual way, took a decade of expanding business opportunities, and finally took the best thing to ever happen to me. The one thing it left me with was an enhanced ability to get more out of the littlest things in life, as that was what was left. And so I do, along with planning to do a more limited version of those old dreams, assuming nothing else ambushes my health or circumstance. What I will try not to do is presume beyond the very near future, as having expectations torn away is painful and depressing. Talking about it all is fine, feeling ripped off is certainly normal, dwelling on it would be unhealthy, but I expect we all know that....................................Dave

Aw Dave, that's crappy. You

Aw Dave, that's crappy. You make me think of my aunt and uncle. They spent their whole lives peparing for his retirement. They had travel plans and had bought an RV to go travelling in. They'd gne without some things so they could have their dream. She was diagnosed with lung cancer, she'd always been a heavy smoker, and was gone in a few months. This was within a year of him retiring. It's been almost 30 years and their house still looks the exact same as it did. He hasn't moved a stick of furniture. And he's so lonely, it's sad.

Jan

beaumontdave

JanJan63 said:

Aw Dave, that's crappy. You

Aw Dave, that's crappy. You make me think of my aunt and uncle. They spent their whole lives peparing for his retirement. They had travel plans and had bought an RV to go travelling in. They'd gne without some things so they could have their dream. She was diagnosed with lung cancer, she'd always been a heavy smoker, and was gone in a few months. This was within a year of him retiring. It's been almost 30 years and their house still looks the exact same as it did. He hasn't moved a stick of furniture. And he's so lonely, it's sad.

Jan

Sounds worse than it is, for

Sounds worse than it is, for me anyway. I've changed many things in my house, I don't suffer loneliness, I want my life simple now. If I decide to pursue some kind of relationship, it would be with travel in mind. I'd gone many places on my own when I was younger, but I know that a shared experience is more meaningful, for me. I feel for your uncle, but you just can't freeze time and live in the past, that kind of life would really have no meaning for me, and even though I'm on the cynical side of things, I have to find some sense of purpose to propel me forward. The resilience you show is inspiring, the examples of the people on this blog, moving on and living with difficult conditions and circumstances, makes me ashamed not to try, and so I do........................................................Dave

lp1964

Great post everyone!

I was only 49 years old when I was diagnosed. Lived in a beautiful town, had an amazing wife and daughter, was productive and earned well. When I found out I had cancer I considered everything even not seeking treatment, but thank god I did and the wonderful nurses and doctors saved my life. 

But I lost all faith in life and fairness. Did not know how to go on. My marriage fell apart shortly after I got better. 

Somehow I found the way to get my drive back, bought a sailboat, found a new life partner, my kid is doing great, continued my great carrier despite my 15 inch scar, colostomy and terrible dietsry restrictions. Since then I have been to the Dominican Republic, Mexico, Europe, Chile, all around the US. Started a new business and do some amazing scientific theory writing.

We have to realize that we have one chance at this life. It can be crazy, but we have to make the best of it. One day at a time.

All the best!

Laz

JanJan63

lp1964 said:

Great post everyone!

I was only 49 years old when I was diagnosed. Lived in a beautiful town, had an amazing wife and daughter, was productive and earned well. When I found out I had cancer I considered everything even not seeking treatment, but thank god I did and the wonderful nurses and doctors saved my life. 

But I lost all faith in life and fairness. Did not know how to go on. My marriage fell apart shortly after I got better. 

Somehow I found the way to get my drive back, bought a sailboat, found a new life partner, my kid is doing great, continued my great carrier despite my 15 inch scar, colostomy and terrible dietsry restrictions. Since then I have been to the Dominican Republic, Mexico, Europe, Chile, all around the US. Started a new business and do some amazing scientific theory writing.

We have to realize that we have one chance at this life. It can be crazy, but we have to make the best of it. One day at a time.

All the best!

Laz

Laz, I'm glad you found

Laz, I'm glad you found someone new. I remember when your marriage fell apart. I felt so badly for you. You're living life! Good for you!

Jan

Trubrit

JanJan63 said:

Laz, I'm glad you found

Laz, I'm glad you found someone new. I remember when your marriage fell apart. I felt so badly for you. You're living life! Good for you!

Jan

Hi Laz

I have had the pleasure of meeting Laz in person.  GREAT MAN!  So happy to see you pop back and share your story. 

Tru

Annabelle41415

lp1964 said:

Great post everyone!

I was only 49 years old when I was diagnosed. Lived in a beautiful town, had an amazing wife and daughter, was productive and earned well. When I found out I had cancer I considered everything even not seeking treatment, but thank god I did and the wonderful nurses and doctors saved my life. 

But I lost all faith in life and fairness. Did not know how to go on. My marriage fell apart shortly after I got better. 

Somehow I found the way to get my drive back, bought a sailboat, found a new life partner, my kid is doing great, continued my great carrier despite my 15 inch scar, colostomy and terrible dietsry restrictions. Since then I have been to the Dominican Republic, Mexico, Europe, Chile, all around the US. Started a new business and do some amazing scientific theory writing.

We have to realize that we have one chance at this life. It can be crazy, but we have to make the best of it. One day at a time.

All the best!

Laz

Laz

Wow great to see your post again.  It's been a long time, and I'm glad that you are doing so well.  Sounds like you have been very busy and that's great to hear.

Kim