Dreams you'd given up because of cancer?
I'm feeling down today and focusing on this and I'm wondering if you all have the same feelings, too, sometimes. I'm not living my best life and giving up my dreams has been so hard. I'd hoped we'd live in the country again and I'd have my horse with us. But now I can't work and that will never happen due to money issues. We'd also like to retire somewhere else, like BC. But I have to be in close proximity to a hospital and we have to watch for what coverage a diiferent province has and how well they look after cancer patients. I hate how every decision or dream I've had has been taken away.
I'd love to have a veggetable garden and have wanted one for the last few years. But the last two summers I was too sick to have looked after one. And now I feel like if I get one this year and I get sick again it would be just a waste of time. The last two Septembers I was in the hospital so I couldn't have even harvested it if I'd been able to look after it. And it's stupid but I feel kind of jinxed about September now.
I'll be taking some art classes at the cancer place that offers them free for cancer people but i also feel like why bother learning anything when I won't be here that long. Is it worth it?
I rode my horse last night and I now have a really crappy seat and even get tired holding the reins properly. I spent years perfecting my seat and riding the correct way. Now I slouch and am messy. My showing days are over- another lost dream- but I still want to ride well. And if I keep this up my muscle memory will become the crappy way I sit.
I hate how this rules my life. I hate having to consider it in regards to every move I make. I hate that it also has a negative effect on my husband's dreams for the future. He can do what he wants once I'm gone and that makes me feel like a burden. So it affects two people. It's not fair. Goddam cancer.
Jan
Comments
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Farmhouse Renovation dream
We have a little boat house on a river in little historic town in Maryland, there is an old distressed farmhouse across the street that I had dreamed of buying and turning into a family compound--maybe even starting a business like a wedding destination--I had my husband on board with the plan --that ended in the ER last year with diagnosis of Stage 4 CRC......Life can change in an instant.
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Home, I long for home
I am English born and bred. I now live in the Nevada desert, so you can imagine how homesick I am for the lush, green, wood covered England.
I went home once, the year of my liver surgery, but it was a hard 24 hour journey, including two flights, one 12 hour flight. My bowel just isn't predictable enough to want to be tied to one bathroom in a huge plane filled with 200 plus people.
So, its not a dream, per se, but a longing to go home, that I may never be able to see again the green hills and woods I love so much. PLUS, my best friend since the age of 12 (I am 60) is there, and it hurts to know we may never see each other again...... now I'm crying....thanks Jan .
BUT I AM ALIVE and I have my canyon and I am happy. No point in being sad about something that may or may not happen.
Other than that, I just want to love my husband forever, and see my boys get married and be happy.
Tru
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P.S. Jan
It is NEVER NEVER NEVER a waste of time learning something new. If you learned something today and died tomorrow, it enriched your life for a day.
Plant that garden and watch it grow.
Slop around on the back of your horse, and laugh at how you look compared to your perfected 'seat'.
Make new derams, even if they are one day at a time.
I, along with the rest of us here, do not want to see you so discouraged, and hope it will pass quickly.
Tru
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Fishing has always been the pastime
That keeps me sane. Just being out on the big blue earths my sole and keeps me functioning. I used to regularly jump in my 18 foot boat and head up to 50 kilometers out to sea and return with a feed of top eating fish. Between neuropathy, vertigo and steroid damage from various chemo induced problems i can no longer go out to sea in small boats. I have gradually devolved from my 18foot cruiser to a 12 foot tinny and now to a four meter kayak. I fear the next step may be a camp chair beside a crowded creek. The other thing that gets to me is how much it cost me to survive cancer financially. Sometimes i feel that life is just fading away. I'm fast reaching the point where I can't afford to maintain my survival. It scares me at times to wonder what i will do when I can't afford to live alone ( does not play well with others.) Ron.
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ShipTrubrit said:Home, I long for home
I am English born and bred. I now live in the Nevada desert, so you can imagine how homesick I am for the lush, green, wood covered England.
I went home once, the year of my liver surgery, but it was a hard 24 hour journey, including two flights, one 12 hour flight. My bowel just isn't predictable enough to want to be tied to one bathroom in a huge plane filled with 200 plus people.
So, its not a dream, per se, but a longing to go home, that I may never be able to see again the green hills and woods I love so much. PLUS, my best friend since the age of 12 (I am 60) is there, and it hurts to know we may never see each other again...... now I'm crying....thanks Jan .
BUT I AM ALIVE and I have my canyon and I am happy. No point in being sad about something that may or may not happen.
Other than that, I just want to love my husband forever, and see my boys get married and be happy.
Tru
What about making the trip accross the pond on a cruise ship or freighter?
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Moments/New Normal
Perhaps focusing on smaller moments could bring more satisfaction? I am sorry you are having a tough time right now.
Not getting another dog (I want to be around for the dog's life, and I have no assurances of that);
Not being able to live long-term in Asia and to learn the local language fluently (access to health care and insurance);
No more camping (the joint damage, back pain and age make that too uncomfortable);
Not having the same strength, flexibility and endurance I once had.
But this is new normal and I have vow to make the best of it.
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Moments...
I have always looked for the good even in the worst of situations. I am a "fixer" by nature and always want to make something bad better. Boy, has that been tested over the last couple of years. I feel like a boxer in the ring who keeps getting hit to the ground but keeps trying to stand back up even if it means hanging on to the rope. I was living on cloud nine with the love of my life in a place that would take your breath away. Life had lined up perfectly and I had never been happier or more at peace in my life. Three months after retiring early and settling into our "dream" spot, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our world fell apart. I watched him waste away before me and there was nothing I could do. Watching him suffer and fight to live ripped me apart. We spent most of the year in and out of hospitals, including the entire month of December. I brought him home in February where he passed a week later. I watched him fight to pull himself up right up until he took his last breath. He was 6'4 and 225 lbs when it started and wasted away to 140lbs when he died. I hated life. I wanted to hit something or somebody. I was so mad at life but there was nobody or nothing to be mad at when I really thought about it. I had already been given so many blessed moments that others never have. I was ashamed when I thought about the lack of gratitude for the life I had been given. That changed my perspective a lot. Don't get me wrong..I still hate everything about cancer but approaching my life from a place of gratitude truly changed my perspective. I still have moments when I want to "damn it all to hell", but they pass. The property we had was too much for me on my own and I had to sell it. I moved and spent three years remodeling a little cabin and healing my heart and soul. I had a brand new plan and had finally made peace with losing him. Life was once again full of promise and I was ready to set sail again. I had leased an apartment in the middle of a town I loved and was signing up for herbalist school. I woke up from a routine colonoscopy to find I had colon cancer and it was in my liver...same exact diagnosis as my husband. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails. My life did a 90 degree turn in a matter of days. What I learned is that life will still keep doing it's thing no matter what we think or do. After my surgery, I chose not to do chemo anymore. I made a decision to truly enjoy the moments I have left, regardless if I have 30 years or just 30 days. Being on chemo robbed me of my spirit and my soul. Feeling like "me" and having clear, good days is immensly important to me even if I risk cutting my time here short. Then again, who knows? I may get hit by a bus tomorrow..lol.. I look for blessings in every moment I am given...the smile from the stranger passing...the door being held for me...they are there if we chose to see them. I hope the low moments pass quickly for you and you feel the warmth of sun and life wrapping around you soon. Your posts and sharing what you have gone thru on this site have been blessings to many when they needed it most. Get on that horse and ride every chance you get. Huge hug...M
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Thank you. It's reallymojogirl67 said:Moments...
I have always looked for the good even in the worst of situations. I am a "fixer" by nature and always want to make something bad better. Boy, has that been tested over the last couple of years. I feel like a boxer in the ring who keeps getting hit to the ground but keeps trying to stand back up even if it means hanging on to the rope. I was living on cloud nine with the love of my life in a place that would take your breath away. Life had lined up perfectly and I had never been happier or more at peace in my life. Three months after retiring early and settling into our "dream" spot, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our world fell apart. I watched him waste away before me and there was nothing I could do. Watching him suffer and fight to live ripped me apart. We spent most of the year in and out of hospitals, including the entire month of December. I brought him home in February where he passed a week later. I watched him fight to pull himself up right up until he took his last breath. He was 6'4 and 225 lbs when it started and wasted away to 140lbs when he died. I hated life. I wanted to hit something or somebody. I was so mad at life but there was nobody or nothing to be mad at when I really thought about it. I had already been given so many blessed moments that others never have. I was ashamed when I thought about the lack of gratitude for the life I had been given. That changed my perspective a lot. Don't get me wrong..I still hate everything about cancer but approaching my life from a place of gratitude truly changed my perspective. I still have moments when I want to "damn it all to hell", but they pass. The property we had was too much for me on my own and I had to sell it. I moved and spent three years remodeling a little cabin and healing my heart and soul. I had a brand new plan and had finally made peace with losing him. Life was once again full of promise and I was ready to set sail again. I had leased an apartment in the middle of a town I loved and was signing up for herbalist school. I woke up from a routine colonoscopy to find I had colon cancer and it was in my liver...same exact diagnosis as my husband. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails. My life did a 90 degree turn in a matter of days. What I learned is that life will still keep doing it's thing no matter what we think or do. After my surgery, I chose not to do chemo anymore. I made a decision to truly enjoy the moments I have left, regardless if I have 30 years or just 30 days. Being on chemo robbed me of my spirit and my soul. Feeling like "me" and having clear, good days is immensly important to me even if I risk cutting my time here short. Then again, who knows? I may get hit by a bus tomorrow..lol.. I look for blessings in every moment I am given...the smile from the stranger passing...the door being held for me...they are there if we chose to see them. I hope the low moments pass quickly for you and you feel the warmth of sun and life wrapping around you soon. Your posts and sharing what you have gone thru on this site have been blessings to many when they needed it most. Get on that horse and ride every chance you get. Huge hug...M
Thank you. It's really incredible that you both have/had the same cancer. It's crazy. But I love your attitude!
I forgot to add that in March of 2013 I bought a business. I was the owner of a dog daycare business and spent the year working my butt off improving it and I worked there, of course, I quadrupled the clientelle, and received the Entrepreneur of the Year award that summer. I was SO happy. I owned my own business, I was watching it grow, I got to be with dogs all day, I was living the dream. It was taken away once I received my diagnosis. I tried for a while and then realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was a heartbreaking kick in the pants.
I just hate feeling like I should just be grateful to be alive. I am, of course, but is it so much to want more than just existing? Healthy people don't have to think this way. That stupid saying "well, at least you have your health" always sounded so insipid but now it means something to me. Because I'll never have it again. Some days I resent people who seem healthy and are living life the way they want. I know that's ugly but I can't help it. I want to just be able to do basic things, too. Is it so much to ask that I can have a freaking veggie garden and be able to look after it?
Anyway, soory to everyone that's reading this crap that I'm spewing. Most days I can just deal with it and enjoy what little I have and be happy if I'm strong anout to clean the house properly or make dinner without getting short of breath or having to sit down over and over. My world has become so small and I'm angry about it, that's all. I'm sure we all go through this at times.
I'm going to start taking a book and alawn chair and sitting in my horse's paddock with him and his little buddy, my daughter's young horse that's sweet like a puppy and as eager for attention. No chemo so this year I should be able to sit in the sun, not like the last coupleof years.
Jan
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You're right. I justTrubrit said:P.S. Jan
It is NEVER NEVER NEVER a waste of time learning something new. If you learned something today and died tomorrow, it enriched your life for a day.
Plant that garden and watch it grow.
Slop around on the back of your horse, and laugh at how you look compared to your perfected 'seat'.
Make new derams, even if they are one day at a time.
I, along with the rest of us here, do not want to see you so discouraged, and hope it will pass quickly.
Tru
You're right. I just sometimes feel so useless and like such a waste of oxygen. I wish I could work. It would make me feel so much better to contribute to the household and to feel like a I have purpose. I have a drawing class tomorrow. I used to be very artistic and drew and painted a lot. I have hardly bothered in years and have lost a lot of talent. I can still draw but my paintings are amateurish at best.
Jan
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Who cares?!!!JanJan63 said:You're right. I just
You're right. I just sometimes feel so useless and like such a waste of oxygen. I wish I could work. It would make me feel so much better to contribute to the household and to feel like a I have purpose. I have a drawing class tomorrow. I used to be very artistic and drew and painted a lot. I have hardly bothered in years and have lost a lot of talent. I can still draw but my paintings are amateurish at best.
Jan
Nothing wrong with amateursih, plus it won't take long for you to relearn those past skills.
I am happy to know you are going to your class.
Tru
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Ironic For SureJanJan63 said:Thank you. It's really
Thank you. It's really incredible that you both have/had the same cancer. It's crazy. But I love your attitude!
I forgot to add that in March of 2013 I bought a business. I was the owner of a dog daycare business and spent the year working my butt off improving it and I worked there, of course, I quadrupled the clientelle, and received the Entrepreneur of the Year award that summer. I was SO happy. I owned my own business, I was watching it grow, I got to be with dogs all day, I was living the dream. It was taken away once I received my diagnosis. I tried for a while and then realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was a heartbreaking kick in the pants.
I just hate feeling like I should just be grateful to be alive. I am, of course, but is it so much to want more than just existing? Healthy people don't have to think this way. That stupid saying "well, at least you have your health" always sounded so insipid but now it means something to me. Because I'll never have it again. Some days I resent people who seem healthy and are living life the way they want. I know that's ugly but I can't help it. I want to just be able to do basic things, too. Is it so much to ask that I can have a freaking veggie garden and be able to look after it?
Anyway, soory to everyone that's reading this crap that I'm spewing. Most days I can just deal with it and enjoy what little I have and be happy if I'm strong anout to clean the house properly or make dinner without getting short of breath or having to sit down over and over. My world has become so small and I'm angry about it, that's all. I'm sure we all go through this at times.
I'm going to start taking a book and alawn chair and sitting in my horse's paddock with him and his little buddy, my daughter's young horse that's sweet like a puppy and as eager for attention. No chemo so this year I should be able to sit in the sun, not like the last coupleof years.
Jan
I used to lay beside my husband and pray that God would give me some of the pain and suffering he was carrying..three years later I am diagnosed with the exact same cancer and in the same locations..Trust me, it sure gave me some dood for thought during my darkest days but hope always led me back to truth. I can’t blame my maker or anyone else for the the lottery ticket I got. It was just part of lessons on my journey here..Although I’m feeling like I’m long overdue for some “fun” lessons.. lol.. hugs, M
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Gardening
yea every year I used to do a garden. 3 years and I have not done one. This year I finally retired and I’m determined to do yard work. I started last week. I have to do a little with many stops and rests but I’m doing it. I used to be busy every day. Now I spend lots of time resting, reading, or just zoning out.
new normal. But I’m determining to make the best of it. This is all I’m going to get. I have to take satisfaction in smaller goals but they are still goals.
recognize that this is a bad day. Tomorrow may be worse or better. It’s all in how you look at it. I hope it’s better fo you.
k
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Thank you. That's the hardKazenmax said:Gardening
yea every year I used to do a garden. 3 years and I have not done one. This year I finally retired and I’m determined to do yard work. I started last week. I have to do a little with many stops and rests but I’m doing it. I used to be busy every day. Now I spend lots of time resting, reading, or just zoning out.
new normal. But I’m determining to make the best of it. This is all I’m going to get. I have to take satisfaction in smaller goals but they are still goals.
recognize that this is a bad day. Tomorrow may be worse or better. It’s all in how you look at it. I hope it’s better fo you.
k
Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.
But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.
Jan
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I understand. Today is a goodJanJan63 said:Thank you. That's the hard
Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.
But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.
Jan
I understand. Today is a good day for me. I weeded one small area. i dug up grass. Got out of breath. Hurt all over. Did it for about 1 hour and got about 2 feet done. Lol. I’ve been sitting in my chair for the past 3 hours. Lol
my neighbor is about 75 and he roams his yard every morning. He does a little here and there and stops at noon. I may get on the same schedule. Lol. Going to sit in the air conditioner and read my book. Life is good.
k
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Gardening!JanJan63 said:Thank you. That's the hard
Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.
But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.
Jan
Always had tons of flowers and garden--ironically it wasn't cancer that took it away but moving to the desert! Plants here are painful to handle lol! I have been styaing with my daughters for the last month in Maryland and helped them put in flowers--it has been delightful. Jan Jan, I htink we are married to the same person--my hubs always puts in 50 screws where 3 would suffice lol. Everything is hurricane proof. To hang pictures he gets out a calculator and slide rule!!
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GardeningJanJan63 said:Thank you. That's the hard
Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.
But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.
Jan
The spring I was undergoing chemo, I decided I would not have the energy to do my usual garden. What I did was grow a few plants in containers - I had a tomato plant, a few green beans and some salad greens. It didn't require a lot of work but I was able to have some fresh veggies that I grew myself.
I also poked a few flower seeds into corners of my yard. They didn't all germinate but enough did that I was able to sit outside in my yard and enjoy them. I really felt awful that June and July so I am sure a conventional garden wouldn't have worked.
Eileen
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The psychological aspect of cancer...
I don't believe that any of us could honestly say that cancer, of any type, has not changed our lives. My first encounter with cancer was in 2009 when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. No need for chemo or radiation; a radical prostectomy cut it out along with some of my physical abilities that previously enhanced the quality of my married life. For the successive six months I had repetitive complications and reparative surgeries. Oh well, at least I survived, even though I lost my "squeeker."
Soon after that I was diagnosed with basal cell and squamous cell skin cancer on my face and scalp. Those lesions have returned on a regular basis and I have them cut, frozen and burned off every six months. I asked what we could do to remedy the situation and the answer was nothing. What I did when I was younger is now affecting my present state of health.
In 2017, five months after I retired I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. That cancer encounter was totally different than what I had previously experienced. It was not a sprint, but rather a marathon. Diagnosis, treatment and recovery was a long term event. I am still in that race. This cancer has caused me to change my life's activities more than my other cancers and it has affected me psychologically more than my other cancers.
Physically, this one knocked me to my knees. The neo adjuvant chemo/radiation and the resection surgery and the temporary ilesostomy and the adjuvant chemo and then the reversal surgery took their toll. Initially, I could no longer work part time; now I can. Initially, I could not honor my committment to keep my newborn granddaughter as soon as I said I would; now I do so even though both of us experience BM issues simultaneously (all you can do is laugh). I can no longer cut both the front yard and the back yard at the same time without a break. I can no longer work in my garden longer than an hour or so without taking a break, but I am adjusting. I can/should no longer jump in my truck and head to town without first considering the "state" of my bowels.
All of this is a detriment and nuisance physically, but it is also a psychological drain on my life. Daily, I must remain positive and fend off those feelings of despair. Earlier this winter I read an excerpt from an interview with the aging Clint Eastwood. The question presented to him was what he did to remain physically and mentally active in his mid 80's. His response - I get up and go outside every day. That's what I try to do, and it helps.
Cancer sucks. Cancer survival can also suck.
Jim
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Garden
Hi Jan! I have been following you for a while and you amaze me. What you have been through mkes my experience like a tiny raindrop. But we are alike in our love of horses, dogs, and gardens. I too moarn the loss of my picture perfect equitation seat. But just being with the horse, grooming, tacking up, and riding makes me forget for a bit all my anxiety and pain. Because as you know, being around horses requires you to focus on the horse and the environment around you. And I have a garden, my husband got me raised planters so it's easier to take care of. Keep on swimming girl!
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