Support From Family falters

Justme52, I am also very hurt by the lack of family support for this canceR. My family pretty much pretended it wasn't happening. my treatment started in the summer and they all had travel plans, second homes to go to, and were otherwise occupied. I had one sister who tried her best to help me, but she doesn't drive and has her own family obligations. I received text messages, which really got irritating and were no help at all! I got text messages instead of any help at all! Today, I went to a sister's home. She has not seen me since May, before treatment started. I have no hair, look like hell and she said not one word about it! Never asked me how I was, not a word! I am a woman who has been there for any family or friend who needed a hand.  I really don't know how to deal with it, except to be deeply hurt. 

Tufi, that is horrible! And what do we say when someone makes stupid comments like that? Recently, a sibling said to me that cancer has become my way of life! I was speechless. I am a nice person, but I am getting fed up with the ignorance.

I have been looking for a snappy response to a brother who I have seen once since treatment started. He did drive me once to chemo, but complained about the traffic the whole way home and by the time the day was over, had my stomach in  knots. So, since then he sends text messages, "thinking of you" on almost a daily basis.  I need a snappy response that lets him know that thoughts don't do much for me and the texts are a nuisance to answer! 

BTW, I have 6 siblings, and we have been a very close family. 5 of my siblings live about 1/2 hour from me, all are well to do, and I have always been there for them over the years whenever they needed me. They seem to be under the impression that BC is not serIous. I blame the pink bows and ribbons for that! 

annie, I simply cannot distance myself from my very large family. How exactly would that work?  

justme52 said:

Family abaondonment

Thank you all for sharing, I at least know I wasn't erally alone.  Over time, I have realized that my 6 months of treatments were shopping excursions for my "helper" and a lot of naps and eathing here and eating there.  Not one time did anyone ask me how I was feeling, cooked a meal I could eat and when they laughed at me when I was in so much pain I could barely sit and had a tough time walking into my chemo appointment and it made me very very angry and I do not forgive them for that, or for "shopping" or for anything that had anything to do with my treatment which was stopped 6 months shy of complete simply because I was worn out and could take no more of it.  I lost a lot of me during this time, my freedom, my health, and my emotional and psychological health.  I now suffer from MS which was found these years later and was the whole issue of me not being able to walk without pain for months.  Yes I am cancer free almost 4 years later, which is good for stage 3 her2 positive cancer that can move to some other organ at will, but it has not thus far.  What I miss is being cared for, being treated as a human being and I must admit, from one disease to the next, nothing has improved as ;yet, but I am still hopefull it will eventually end.  I was raised by what I now know to be a narcicistic individual that continues to flog me through this all..........Part of me wishes I was dead simply because of it............

 

I understand your anger and frustration. You have been through a lot and in the end, we have to care for ourselves in the best way that we can. I try to find joy in the little things that I enjoy, even if it is just a good book, or a a walk in the sunshine. I hope you can figure out what things bring you joy and focus on yourself. The thing about anger and unforgiveness is that it is poison to our bodies. I try my best to let things go, recognizing the hurt, but understanding that when people are unkind and unloving, it is about their weakness and there is nothing we can do about that. Sometimes it feels good to express our feelings, other times it is futile and a waste of our valuable time. I was raised as a Christian, but one thing I had forgotten until recently.  We are told to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. First, we have to love ourselves and be good to ourselves. Many women forget that. I hope you are good to yourself and take good care!  Hang in there! 

HapB said:

lack of family,support

Tufi, that is horrible! And what do we say when someone makes stupid comments like that? Recently, a sibling said to me that cancer has become my way of life! I was speechless. I am a nice person, but I am getting fed up with the ignorance.

I have been looking for a snappy response to a brother who I have seen once since treatment started. He did drive me once to chemo, but complained about the traffic the whole way home and by the time the day was over, had my stomach in  knots. So, since then he sends text messages, "thinking of you" on almost a daily basis.  I need a snappy response that lets him know that thoughts don't do much for me and the texts are a nuisance to answer! 

BTW, I have 6 siblings, and we have been a very close family. 5 of my siblings live about 1/2 hour from me, all are well to do, and I have always been there for them over the years whenever they needed me. They seem to be under the impression that BC is not serIous. I blame the pink bows and ribbons for that! 

I have found that no response works best.  I doubt this person will inquire why because their nature is that they are the center of the world. Respond to anything else, you don't want to end the relationship.

tufi000 said:

The best response

I have found that no response works best.  I doubt this person will inquire why because their nature is that they are the center of the world. Respond to anything else, you don't want to end the relationship.

tufi, you are probably right, but once in awhile, I would sure like to come out with a smart mouthed zinger!  

Cherryblssm said:

After I received my complete

After I received my complete diagnosis, my main support looked at me and said "well, it's not going to kill you"

I still struggle with how to deal with this....

WE are here and we care.

Hugs,

Annie

Are you stage 1?  When I received my full diagnosis, I heard basically the same thing.  What I heard alot was, "stage 1 is easy, you will be okay."  The other thing that I heard alot was, "you are so lucky, you should be more grateful for a stage 1 diagnosis."  The most frustrating thing though was a long text from someone important to me telling me that she has also had tough issues (tubal pregnancy and a divorce) so I need to just get tougher, everybody goes through tough things.

Like Hap, I just try to smile on the outside and tell my self that people cannot possibly understand what it is to deal with breast cancer...

I am glad to hear that you are doing well!!  Please know that you have support here!!

I think that the ribbons and false statistics have hurt as well as helped.  They have it seeming thatt breast Cancer is not serious any more. I have heard people say they noe have it almost gone.  I am stage 4 and at the end on hospice. However it will take me dying for understanding.  I have 10 living siblings, 4 with cancer. Now most have seen the light and everything has changed?????  I don't feel bad any more.  They are believing what they have read.

i wish you the best, you cant Chanhe some things  so do your best and know they do care just don't know what to do!