If it goes south.

I also sometimes wonder if I've done something so bad for me to given this disease.  And yes, I think people are really by nature, greedy.  Its always a matter of self-preservation, you'd be lucky to meet someone who's selfless and would think of others before themselves.

I'm sorry to hear about people around you being insensitive and uncaring.  I also have worries about my children.  They're still so small, I just cry whenever I think of who will take care of them in case I die.  I do have a stepson who's older than them, and that's one fear I have, what if he will just leave his brothers and just think of himself? If I didn't have young kids to worry of, I may not be as worried as I am now.  The thought of them being left alone and poor really pains me.  That's my only prayer, to please just let me live until my kids have stable jobs and families already.  I have to be alive to make sure they grow with proper love and care of a mother, and send them to good schools so they can have their own degrees.

As to your wife, I'm not the one to impose but allow me to be one now.  I think she, of all people, should be there for you.  And your adult kids too.  I mean, the least they could do is show they care.  Cancer patients already undergo so much in terms of physical health, emotional stress would only worsen the condition.  If anything, emotional support will play a very big role to be able to overcome the disease.  I understand your case, though.  I've seen unbelievable people who are more concerned on who gets the house rather than how long their parents live.

If actual people around you don't seem to care much, well, we're here.  I'm here.  I may be just another person on the internet but I can be with you on your journey.  And hey, your biopsy revealed negative as of this time.  Here's to hoping it stays negative forever!

Darcher:  I have found a certain clarity in my thoughts since my diagnosis and a much lesser degree of tolerance for bologna from anyone.  In life, I have found that the only one I can control is myself, and that is often a comforting insight to me.  You should feel what you feel, and I would encourage you to not let others make you feel guilty.  My recommendation?  Be yourself.  

Unfortunately, the trials we go thru do not often bring out the better side of people.  In fact many times it brings into focus major issues that already exist, as it appears is your situation.

Pre-existing relationship issues don't respond well to crisis. 

Making changes in those relationships may bring you some emotional relief, but should have no baring on how you deal with your health issues.  Remember, you deal with those for yourself first.  Who knows, you may beat this and go on to find that there is happiness in your future.

Cancer and other critical diseases are NOT a punishment.  Too many innocents (particularly babies and children) die from them for that to be true.

Wishing you the best,

Marie who loves kitties

darcher said:

   To answer the question

   To answer the question about religion, yes I am Christian but I have a hard time with any organized faith.  I've got too many bad experiences where I've been lied to and stolen from by alleged people of faith.  

   My view is very simple.  All religions are right and they're all wrong.  I think God introduced himself to each culture in such a way as to have them best understand him.  I shouldn't say him because God is genderless.  I don't mean that in a PC way as is being shoved down our throats now.   It's people who've twisted the faith into a perverted mess that gave God a bad name.  God must be real otherwise what controls everything from the universe to the tiny blade of grass and keeps it all running so smooth.  It sure as hell isn't coincedence.  That's just plain stupid to think that things could be random and yet somehow everything came out the way it did accident.   

 Anyhow, as unexpected as it was the PET scan came back clean.  That was a real shocker.  More so than finding out I had cancer to begin with. Not that the other person in this house asked about it even though they knew the results were due today.   I guess the Las Vegas/Alaska/SouthAmerica/Europe or what ever other place it would have been run is cancelled for now.  

   The other side of this is I've done a lot for her family from renovating her mother's house to giving her sister money for their child's autism treatments.  Yet, none of them bothered to call me.  They have my cell number.  They speak to her on hers but never call me.  That's pucked up.  I just have to accept the fact that the people around me don't deserve anything I've given them and it was my own fault for helping in the first place.  Never again. Two of my adult kids that work in the business back in California I specifically told not to come out here only because someone needs to run the business there, albeit marginally.  The oldest one and the youngest of the grown ups haven't shown up.  Same goes for my own brothers and sister all of whom have benefited from me over the years but now forgot about me except my sister but that's a little different because there is some stuff going on with our mother and there is a 'money situation'.   As far as coming to see me,  what I do get is a lot of excuses from everyone.   

 Regardless, there is going to be some big changes.  My generosity spigot is off.   Perhaps God has something in store for me to do and saved my butt (figuratively speaking) this time around and what I do have is a wake up call to demonstrate I'm putting my efforts in the wrong places.   Radiation and Chemo start Monday.  That too had to be dragged out of the person living here who took the call earlier but didn't say anything until I asked after I got home and even then it turned into an argument.  She told me I was lying about chemo because the people from radiation told her they don't do that.   I called back and what he did say was chemo is a different department and they aren't part of that.  I wish it were true. That there was no chemo and I wouldn't get screwed up.  Then again, I guess all those pills I brought home the other day are actually PEZ candy.      

 

I am so sorry about your family situation.  I do believe that any kindness and generosity, doesn't go amiss in the long run. They may not appreciate it now or even ever, but at the end of your days, when you're judged, your kindness and desire to help those in need, will be blessed. 

It does seem like it is time for you to take care of number one (yourself). It is your time. Take that time. Its not being selfish. When you come to the end of treatments, and get that NED report, then you can spread yourself around, a little at a time; and maybe make decisions about your marriage and family then, when emotions aren't running as raw as they are now. 

Oh, listen to me. Miss Marriage and family councellor. Sorry! I am just speaking from my heart, with no actual experience. Just know that we are concerned about you here, and I hope that helps, a little. 

Tru

Well, the good news is you don't have cancer! I think that's reason enough to rejoice, even if people around you feel like nothing.  Sometimes I think that I've got a lonely life.  And then I read your story.   I guess you can't have everything.  I have cancer but I'm very lucky and grateful that my family are very supportive, even relatives who have less in terms of money exerted the effort of bringing food and visiting me at the hospital, and my friends constantly check on me even if I don't have facebook.  They text or email or call me every time.  But I think the most should be done by your other half.  I mean, our kids yeah they grow old and forget what we've done to them, they go on their own lives, build their own family, but I think the spouse should be the first and immediate caregiver once we're married.  My husband has been very supportive of me ever since I got sick and like Jan, I think between the two of us, it was well, I won't say I'm happy I have this, but if it were my husband who had the cancer, I don't think I will be able to do what he has done.  Even little things of making our juice, or assisting us when we need to go to the bathroom are efforts that our spouse should be able to perform, them being our other half.  We made that vow when we married.  I wish I could talk to your wife but I dunno... And why would you be undergoing chemo and rad when your PET scan is clear and your biopsy is negative??? In going through these treatments, you need a companion to assist you.  Your wife should be there in every treatment, more so that you said she's not working.  What could keep her possibly busy that she can't even spare a time going with you for your appointments.  

Sorry I sound mad.  I don't know what your wife's reasons are but I just can't find any plausible reason for her to be uncaring and insensitive during these times when her husband is facing a trial.

It's been awhile since I vented at that level, but I've made peace with what people around me, mean to me, there's only a handful, and my grandkids, that matter much. The rest are fair weather folk I can enjoy or not, it just depends on what I'm feeling at the time. It's a shame that it takes something like cancer to sort out and reveal those in your life, for what they really are, but it certainly does do that. My wife was the rock solid partner in my life and cancer ride, and I was hers until she passed May, 2015. If everyone else flaked, she was enough. I'm sorry your not getting that support, no one should go through this sh*t alone. Your right that you can't go back to who you were before, but there is something more real about life after diagnosis, the way you see things, see through things. I see most folk as being afraid of feeling bad, so they limited their exposure to me and Cindy. Polite and inviting, but standoffish at the same time, keeping an emotional distance, afraid of feeling something painful or sad. And I couldn't really talk about what I felt, they like you to be John Wayne and suck it up, suffer in silence. That's mostly what drove me here, the only place I can really express my thoughts freely. As far as who's deserving, I'm at the atheistic end of things, so to me, stuff just happens, getting cancer was just being unlucky. I spent a lot of time since diagnosis, pondering meaning and have found little outside of what we assign to our lives, and I can live with that. Science has kept me alive, and gave me 6 1/2 years of time with my wife after her glioma was found[same as Sen. McCain's] so I'll believe whatever man can discover about life and the universe and hold the rest as a mystery waiting to be unraveled. My advice would be to open up to those you want in your life. If they really respond and reach out, hold them close. They're the ones that matter.........................................Dave

     I too have been married twice. The first one took my kids and the second one my house. Thats no slight on women or marriage put it down to my lousy judgement. I can't have been too bad as they both chose to retain my name. As A result I have lived alone for the past 11 years. My second wife and i still get on well she just could not stand my constant illnes.  I had stage 3c and was told that with the aggressiveness of it and the fact that it had raced thru six nodes that I would certainly die from it and that I could not expect more than 3 years. I was quite happy with that. It was an honourable way out without some one having to clean up the mess. naturally I have survived cancer free and am into my twentieth year of survival. I have no faith or religion. Never needed them , have never felt the need to blame anyone for my affliction or wanted help to get thru it. I figure that there is enough strife in the world to keep ten gods busy for a hundred lifetimes. Nor do I object in any way with the beliefs of others and I endorse their right to put voice to their beliefs when and where they like I admire their strenghth of belief. I found that I have withdrawn completely from most of the human race and I dodge most people(except the mormons , i can never seem to dodge them . might have to put one of those little spyholes in the door. )  What i have done with all that time alone is to carefully weigh up my life. I'm nice to people . I do't get into fights ,dont abuse people. I don't need or want much in my life . I have never done bad things or things I am terribly ashamed off. I care about about animals and kids. There will always b.e negative features in our lives be they situations or people . I've learned to live my life and ignore the rest.  Ron. PS I did not believe my surgeon when he told me I'd be dead in three years , my luck has never been that good.

im so sorry for you're family situation.  cancer does have a way of putting everything in perspective, doesn't it...

if you can get into a meditation class or even a yoga class it'd really help you in dealing with all of it.  Now don't brush these techniques off as not manly or something like that!! Lol.  Literally they can help keep you sane during these terrible stressful times.  If there aren't classes near you there's lot of online resources to guide you.  Totally non religious and totally calming.  

Wishng you all the best.  

Pam 

I'm glad to see you and your wife are making some progress.  This is a good start and I hope to see you doing well on your treatments, complete with the support of your family.