wrong events....

Fox, you are a VIP in our board, and also very respected, I love your opinion and try to learn, believe me it's difficult but I'm doing my best to remain positive and enjoy every moment. Wishing you health and happiness

foxhd said:

story to tell

I'm gonna need a lot of time. But boy, have I got a story to tell. Be patient. FLY.

You may have lost your muscle tone, feel exhausted and turned silver haired, but you will never lose that indomitable strength of character.

You are the embodiment of self discipline, extraordinary willpower and have an inner strength second to none, leaving no room for defeatism. You have all my admiration, prayers and karmic influence. We have every confidence you will heal well, and be back telling us all about it in no time. After all you are the Quintessential Phoenix. 

Take care love you Foxie:)

Djinnie x

foxhd said:

story to tell

I'm gonna need a lot of time. But boy, have I got a story to tell. Be patient. FLY.

Until then I'm just glad to hear from you.

You're on my mind Fox. Hope your recovery is moving in a good direction and this finds you well.

Peace,

Todd

foxhd said:

story to tell

I'm gonna need a lot of time. But boy, have I got a story to tell. Be patient. FLY.

I'll be in the edge of my seat waiting. I agree with you 100% that your immune system is primed with Nivo and IL-2. Believe. Tell the story when you get your strength back.

thoyghts and prayers are with you!

foxhd said:

Good morning everyone!

Well here I am going into 4 weeks since my incredible "brush" with the "other " side. I'm still pretty fragile and weak. I need to be careful as I've had several falls. I have a right foot drop and need to pay attention. My left arm is doing pretty well. For that I am so thankful. Right arm will be an issue but it is a little better also. The best news is that I have been in NO pain!!! Between the steroids and radiation the result is awesome. I'm so lucky.

So,..after months of complaints of pain it had all come to a head. Unfortunatly, a tumor growing down inside my spinal canal is not an easy thing to eliminate. So now we keep our fingers crossed. They did a good job with radiation. I will do well with the votrient. If there is a chance that it will shrink whats left, I will take it. Toss in my response to my immunological treatments, and who knows? ..2009 Harley Streetglide will be off the market for a while.

The thing that I want to talk about is how close I came to passing. My neuro exams were inconsistant. My vitals were stable. My chemistries were all over the map. I was experiencing a state of loss of homeostasis. Much like I had when the Il-2 decimated me. In the couple few weeks I went from maybe 190 pounds to under 145ish. The sense of dieing from the flu type way I felt, was overpowering. The weakness and fatigue forced me to lie down flat on my back. I often would lie dead still. No lights, no sound, and void of external stimulation. I was unable to afford ANY energy to use for sensory input. I often needed more than 12 hours of no motion just to catch my breath. If all that it required was a blink of my eye to start the cyanide drip to end it all, I could not have done it. Just think about that a moment. When I felt the overpowering force taking all my life energy away, I was unable to mount any resistence. All I could do was to try and conserve what may have been left in me.

Essentially I would be feeling like I was flat lining. Everything remained dark. The only focus I could make was on a weak, dim, pilot light. Off in the distance. It was very small. Constantly flickering. It''s fuel source was gone but as small as it shrunk, it did not extinguish. With time I was able to be part of the flame and I held it in my heart. All my effort and concentration was on keeping it lit. And believe me when I tell you, I lost sight of it many times. Also much like my Il-2 experience, there was no sleep. Just every slow tic of the clock. Day in, day out. I am thrilled to say that I just slept 2 nights in a row and what a treat. Now I can make some progress.

So when people talk of near death experiences or crossing over, it is usually about after their passing. I never got that far. But I spent many, many hours not crossing the line. It was there. It was weak. The plan was in place. But somehow I held on. I had the support, Karma and love from you guys disrupting the outcome. For that I love you guys. A debt I cannot repay. So now I must prove myself worthy and recover beyond reasonable expectations. (actually, that should be relatively easy compared to what I went through.)

Now, I am dealing with esophogheal burning from radiation, lung congestion, weakness, falls, and nothing has taste. I'll bet it will all be a memory in a few months. Any doubters?

Thanks again to all of you. And many of you are very special to me. We do better together than by ourselves. Thank You Fox.

Foxy, we are all so grateful to have you tell this story. I am so happy you were able to focus on the light, and then hold the light in your heart. As you drew strength from that light, we draw strength from your spirit, from your fight. We often talk about how we are family, here in this little Kidney Cancer world. Knowing that you felt our love and prayers and karma for you, is not only proof of our connection, but proof of how much we love our Foxy.

Take care of yourself, gain your strength, dear friend.

Big hugs and lots of love,

Jojo

A Fighter, that's what you are!! I really doubt anyone but you could survive that much and still be writing on this page. You are teaching me a lesson right now, something we hear a lot...Never give up!!!! From now on, every time i'll hear that phrase, i'll think of you. You are the incarnation of never, ever,  giving up. 

Merci

Dave

foxhd said:

Good morning everyone!

Well here I am going into 4 weeks since my incredible "brush" with the "other " side. I'm still pretty fragile and weak. I need to be careful as I've had several falls. I have a right foot drop and need to pay attention. My left arm is doing pretty well. For that I am so thankful. Right arm will be an issue but it is a little better also. The best news is that I have been in NO pain!!! Between the steroids and radiation the result is awesome. I'm so lucky.

So,..after months of complaints of pain it had all come to a head. Unfortunatly, a tumor growing down inside my spinal canal is not an easy thing to eliminate. So now we keep our fingers crossed. They did a good job with radiation. I will do well with the votrient. If there is a chance that it will shrink whats left, I will take it. Toss in my response to my immunological treatments, and who knows? ..2009 Harley Streetglide will be off the market for a while.

The thing that I want to talk about is how close I came to passing. My neuro exams were inconsistant. My vitals were stable. My chemistries were all over the map. I was experiencing a state of loss of homeostasis. Much like I had when the Il-2 decimated me. In the couple few weeks I went from maybe 190 pounds to under 145ish. The sense of dieing from the flu type way I felt, was overpowering. The weakness and fatigue forced me to lie down flat on my back. I often would lie dead still. No lights, no sound, and void of external stimulation. I was unable to afford ANY energy to use for sensory input. I often needed more than 12 hours of no motion just to catch my breath. If all that it required was a blink of my eye to start the cyanide drip to end it all, I could not have done it. Just think about that a moment. When I felt the overpowering force taking all my life energy away, I was unable to mount any resistence. All I could do was to try and conserve what may have been left in me.

Essentially I would be feeling like I was flat lining. Everything remained dark. The only focus I could make was on a weak, dim, pilot light. Off in the distance. It was very small. Constantly flickering. It''s fuel source was gone but as small as it shrunk, it did not extinguish. With time I was able to be part of the flame and I held it in my heart. All my effort and concentration was on keeping it lit. And believe me when I tell you, I lost sight of it many times. Also much like my Il-2 experience, there was no sleep. Just every slow tic of the clock. Day in, day out. I am thrilled to say that I just slept 2 nights in a row and what a treat. Now I can make some progress.

So when people talk of near death experiences or crossing over, it is usually about after their passing. I never got that far. But I spent many, many hours not crossing the line. It was there. It was weak. The plan was in place. But somehow I held on. I had the support, Karma and love from you guys disrupting the outcome. For that I love you guys. A debt I cannot repay. So now I must prove myself worthy and recover beyond reasonable expectations. (actually, that should be relatively easy compared to what I went through.)

Now, I am dealing with esophogheal burning from radiation, lung congestion, weakness, falls, and nothing has taste. I'll bet it will all be a memory in a few months. Any doubters?

Thanks again to all of you. And many of you are very special to me. We do better together than by ourselves. Thank You Fox.

Fox:

what an experience! Oh, just a thin line between life and death and you described it with such precision.

i don't understand what triggered all of this since the spinal mets and arm issues must have been there for some time.

what brought you to the hospital? 

So glad that you are with us. Please rest, rest and rest

Sarah

I am still waiting for the story, everything you posted here was a piece of cake for you after all you have been through! But, seriously though, how did it come to that point? Was it the fast growing tumor on the back on spine? So glad the radiation is taking care of it.  Now your arms will recover also. All in good time! You are a hero, a great encouragement to us all!  Keep on keeping on, doing what you do best!  You are like a cat with nine lives, but each year you add another life! That is the way to do it!  ELF!  Big hugs and love and such!