starting to feel

mp327 said:

LaCh--

Your words are very thoughtful and kind--thank you!  I have believed from the beginning of this cancer journey that paying it forward allows me to somewhat, but not fully, understand why I got this crappy disease.  I will never understand it completely, but have accepted it as just another part of my life.  As you know, we are a small group.  Put all the people in this world under a microscope and our little group would probably not even be seen.  That's how small we are to the rest of the world.  But inside of this space, we are huge! 

I'm glad you are become a "souper" soup maker!  Enjoy!

My take is a little different.  My take is that things happen and I don't look for any deeper meaning in terms of why they happen (and so for me, there's nothing to understand).  That said, I believe that the things that happen can be utilized as catalysts for positive personal change (that was my primary goal, and I'd even say equal to eradicating the tumor). I think that what comes your way is of less importance than how you respond to those things.  Do you crumble before them or do you rise to the occasion, do you become more patient or more crabby, more selfish or more giving, more open or more closed, and so on and so forth.  In terms of giving to others what has been given to me, yes, I feel that desire as well, but I'm also a believer in not adding to the pot unless I have something original to offer, and I feel that whatever I say or can say has already been said and offered by others.  To pay it forward would just mean repeating what's already been said and that might make me feel better or like I've contributed in some way but it won't really have given anything to another...  But do I have the desire to help others?  Yes. I think that most people do.  As for the  souper in me...who knew.  I've been a closet soup maker all these years and never knew!  But in recognition to the one who brought it out in me, I've named the soup in all its permutations, "mp327 soup."

RoseC said:

Hi LaCh

For a couple of years after treatment I posted quite frequently. It was very therapeutic. It felt really good to be able to help other folks going through something I had already been through. I've dropped off quite a bit lately but still lurk every day and keep track of what's going on. There can be a lot of psychological and emotional feelings that come up after treatment. I'm not one to join an in-person group (besides there aren't any for anal cancer in my area that I know of) so posting was a great way to work through things that I didn't even know were issues. Hope you remain but you do what's best for you - and hope you continue to feel better.

Well, I never say never, and won't start now, but I don't anticipate any psychological or emotional issues about the experience (outside of lingering ire at my doctors).  Maybe it's to do with the (seemingly peculiar) lens through which I see things, but this, to me, was just a problem like any other, with higher stakes, to be sure, but something that I had to address, and I did.  I don't read anything into it, see no hidden or deeper meaning (as I posted earlier to mp327) but feel that the experience is whatever I decide it is, whatever I choose it to be. I'm trying to make it a catalyst towards a better me.  That was my goal at the outset and remains so. In terms of death and the precipice that we've all looked down into, I'm not eager for death, don't want to go there just yet but don't dread either, I suppose because of my belief in the cycle of reincarnation. But I also understand that I have a lot less to leave behind than many people who post here; no spouse, no kids, no grandkids, and that makes things quite different for me. What's more, the one to whom I feel closest has already died, so of course, that colors my responses as well. In any case, as I said, I don't anticipate any lingering psychological issues but know enough, at least, to know that I don't know everything and never say never.  Thanks for your thoughts.  I'll certainly keep them in mind.

RoseC said:

Hi - I wasn't really talking

Hi - I wasn't really talking about life and death type things, because I never really felt like I was going to die or anything. Not sure exactly how to explain it - would probably need a psychiatrist to figure it out. It's just that later on, about I guess a year out of treatment, I still had unresolved feelings about the cancer and subsequent issues I had with the treatment. Just kinda sneaked up on me. The forum was a safe place to go to either talk about things or help other folks out.

 

(eeks, this belongs under LaCh's post from 5:00pm - sorry, put it in the wrong place and don't know how to move it)

No worries, I found it.  Well, I'll just wait and see.  There's no doubt that for any lingering feelings related to the disease or the treatment, the place to come for a sounding board would be here, and explore it with others who've experienced the situation as well.  As for issues with the treatment... I went into the experience with a low, very low opinion of western medicine and western doctors and nothing that happened before, during or after has changed that. Reinforced my feelings, yes, but changed them, no.  I'm not good at airing intimate feelings in a public forum but I suppose that if I felt the need and had no other outlet, or felt that no other outlet could give me the perspective that I needed, I would.  Like I said, I try to never say never.  For sure I can't say that I'll never feel a particular way simply because I don't feel it today.  If I need it, I know that it's here.

eihtak said:

LaCh....

I think the natural order of things so to speak is to drift away in time. We who both seek and give information now, will unfortunately be replaced until there is no more cancer to seek information about.

I know though, that at times in my life, the slightest comment said just at the right time in the right way has made all the difference. You never know the effect your words may have on another person. This journey has connected us to people we otherwise would never had known, and for me it is a connection that is deeply valued. I hope to keep that going for some time, but again, time will tell. 

I too have those percolating thoughts....I think thats what drove me to go back to school. I am finishing my degree in Human Services, so although I don't plan on a career at this point, who knows where that may lead me. We have already graduated from that all too famous "School of Hard Knocks", so when we tell someone we understand....we understand.

I do hope you stay around here long enough for me to finish my written comm. class, I may need some creative ideas!

Continued health and healing!

(eeks on me now...this is in response to LaCh's earlier post also!!)

I think that drifting away with time (at least for me) will be a healthy thing. There are many ways in which we're identified in life, and in which we self-identify, but I don't want either to be that I had cancer.  It doesn't comment on the kind of person that I am, it doesn't comment on my good qualities or my bad, my acts of kindness or my (regretable) acts of cruelty. It's just something that happened in my life, and if anything about it defines me, I hope that it'll be how I responded to it.  To me, the drifting away is not only a natural progression but a healthy one.  As for the school of hard knocks... everyone, without exception, who lives long enough, will experience challenges, losses, painful and difficult things... having cancer is but one of many ways in which people are challenged.  We all have "something" and many people have many "somethings," but no one has a corner on hard knocks. 

Going back to school...  I envy you that.  I'd love to return to school, also not for professional reasons but simply because I loved college and wasn't able to finish.  There are a million things that I'd love to study, (I'm not more intelligent than average but I have a very high curiosity quotient) but unfortunately, it's financially out of reach. But yes, I understand how a thing like cancer or any weighty experience for that matter, can have a far-reaching effect on paths chosen afterwards. 

Your comments about sticking around for creative ideas--that's kind of funny. I can't imagine what creative ideas you might find in my ramblings, but I suppose just like "one man's trash is another man's treasure," one person's ramblings can seed another person's creative juices.

Finally, the comment that resonated most deeply for me.  Yes, I've seen how a simple word or a gesture, a glance or a smile can have the most profound effect,  seemingly far out of proportion to what was done or said. The good and the bad.  This is something that I've thought about more than once during my life.  I still remember how deeply I was touched by people who had not the slightest idea of what they had done, nor that I would remember those things 40 or 50 years after the fact, and wish that I could reach back in time and say, "Thank you."  You just never know... the burden of responsibility if one thinks overlong about it is daunting because just as a word that to you means nothing can have a long lasting positive effect, a careless word that to you also means nothing can have a devasting one. If you think about it too much, you become afraid to leave the house or open your mouth. 

OMG 1012 said:

this site has been the best

before, during and now that I have completed TX.   

I really LOVE the search box---used that a lot the past few months, that is why i thank you ALL for taking the time to post how you feel and what you are going through, what works and what doesnt--THIS information is invaluable coming from people that have been in the same place you are!

Thank YOU

and I am so happy for you LaCh that you are feeling better--I didn not post a lot during my TX but you were just 2 weeks behind me (sorry for that) and your posts helped me a lot

Xo

Really!  Well, thank you for telling me that.  I can't even imagine what I could have said that anyone found helpful (I remember several semi-rants though, and especially during the midway point of my treatments) but I thank you sincerely for saying so.  It's enormously gratifying to know that something I said helped somebody else. BTW, I've used the search box too and I agree, it's a great tool.