My family has abandoned me
Comments
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I am sorry you're going through this.
I think you have a right to be hurt. I couldn't have made it through without my family's help. My siblings and parents don't live near me, but my cousin and aunt brought me food a few times. How old are your brothers? Maybe they just don't know how much help you need. I don't think my sons who are in their 20s did, but I also didn't ask for help. They would have if I asked. If you haven't already, maybe you could sit down with them and let them know how you feel and that you need support. Some people just don't know how to act when they're scared for their loved ones. They may be putting their heads in the sand pretending like there's nothing wrong with you.
If you don't get the support you need from them, you'll get it here!
Deb0 -
Thanks for the responsedebsweb18 said:I am sorry you're going through this.
I think you have a right to be hurt. I couldn't have made it through without my family's help. My siblings and parents don't live near me, but my cousin and aunt brought me food a few times. How old are your brothers? Maybe they just don't know how much help you need. I don't think my sons who are in their 20s did, but I also didn't ask for help. They would have if I asked. If you haven't already, maybe you could sit down with them and let them know how you feel and that you need support. Some people just don't know how to act when they're scared for their loved ones. They may be putting their heads in the sand pretending like there's nothing wrong with you.
If you don't get the support you need from them, you'll get it here!
Deb
My brothers are 49, 51, 60. Old enough I would say. When the 49 year old was getting divorced I was there for him. He even lived with me for a couple of months.
I don't even know if I could sit down with them. Im so bitter and angry I don't want to. Maybe I will get over this in time. I dunno. I normally host Thanksgiving. Not anymore!0 -
I am so sorry
That you have had to go through this alone! I would say for your brothers that maybe men really do not know how to react & maybe your mom doesn't either? I don't have an answer for you but I have a sister who has done awful things to me & we do not speak anymore. All I can say is remember you are worth more than that & you can get through this! come to this board when you need support. ((hugs)))0 -
I am so sorry
That you have had to go through this alone! I would say for your brothers that maybe men really do not know how to react & maybe your mom doesn't either? I don't have an answer for you but I have a sister who has done awful things to me & we do not speak anymore. All I can say is remember you are worth more than that & you can get through this! come to this board when you need support. ((hugs)))0 -
So sad...
I am so sorry you feel so alone....the only thing in can say is that men are "fixers" and they can't fix this....and your Mom's feelings came first to them...perhaps due to the recent death of your father...is her health good?..........who knows...they have to live with themselves....which doesn't help you, though....I must say I am shocked that you were allowed to have a lumpectomy without a driver...unless you told them you did, otherwise they would have cancelled it...plus it was dangerous for you...your Mother's defense of your brothers, I can't explain that either,unless she didn't want to know...being the mother of a grown daughter, I can understand her fear...her 'baby girl" has breast cancer...I am grateful that it's me and not her...
My heart breaks for you...trying to explain people's reaction to bc......I gave up on that a long time ago...I can't relate to not having my family's support ...I have no parents nor siblings but a caring husband and grown kids....I've been in this battle with bc on and off for 3 years....but I have certainly lost friends..so be it..Please reach out to friends for help..you'll need it...you can't do this without help, PLEASE reach out...
We can't help you physically but we can certainly offer our support, encouraging words and first hand experience...the women on this board are fantastic! and in every phase of bc and treatment and remission, even....you can call your local chapter of the American Cancer Society for help also...they offer all sorts of services...rides, a local mentor...each cancer center offers a social worker who can help with your needs...if you belong to a church reach out to the members...don't be ashamed to ask for help...we all need it...bc is an emotional roller coaster...
More pink sisters will chime in, I know...some have experienced the same feelings of abandonment..and maybe of more help than I....
Please keep posting...we care very much..
Hugs, Nancy0 -
It is sad for me
to hear you do not have any family support. To me it was really important that my family was there for me. Even my sister, who I really didn't want to tell. She was dealing with her daughters' cancer at the time but she was still supportive.
Are there any support groups in your area? Maybe you could find some help there. Of course we are all here for you any time you need us.
Hugs,
Georgia0 -
Hi Mardimardibra said:Thanks for the response
My brothers are 49, 51, 60. Old enough I would say. When the 49 year old was getting divorced I was there for him. He even lived with me for a couple of months.
I don't even know if I could sit down with them. Im so bitter and angry I don't want to. Maybe I will get over this in time. I dunno. I normally host Thanksgiving. Not anymore!
I am sorry. I Am also surprised that your oncology clinic allowed you to drive and never asked you if you have support and help at home. Your faraway Brother was supporting you and helped whe your were undergoing mastectomy therefore you still have family people who love you and care for you.
Unfortunately some people need told what to do and how to behave. In the future please reach out and ask for help
While I have a very supportive husband, he did not go with me to my first consultation with breast surgeon and MO. We did not think that patient could bring family.
I believe if you write a letter to your Mom explaining about your feeling how hard your treatment was she will understand
Please stay here speak about your feelings and cancer journey you will find support and understanding0 -
You are important!
My family reacted very much the same way, you are not the only one. Please know that they probably do really care, but are not capable of expressing their concern, or fear. Each family has its own dynamic. In my case, I think my mom is in a certain level of denial. Denial is powerful and a natural defense mechanism. Another element that comes into play, especially among siblings, may be that we reflect their own mortality. I am sorry for the passing of your father last year, any new potential trauma can cause those feelings of loss to resurface. Your siblings seem to have gone into silent panic.
No, I am not defending their lack of action, but trying to explain why. It's common, unfortunately. My boyfriend quietly lurked out of the picture after learning about my diagnosis. It is disappointing, but try to funnel your energy towards healing. Concentrate on the thoughtful brother, for he is truly there for you. I hope you eventually find a support group, it is amazing how much other women can understand us so well. These feelings of shock are harder on us single ladies because there is not another person validating us, but I am here to tell you, you are very important!! Try to keep as positive as you can and do your own thing; everyone deals with things on different levels. Previously, I was very concerned with others' thoughts, reactions, behavior; now after dealing with my own battle against BC, I put me first. Sure, it would be nice to have the folks rally around, but we are the only ones who hold the power to fight this disease. Thank you for bringing this up. Please keep writing and let these feelings out. We are here for you. You just gained many new friends, welcome to our club.0 -
Going At It Alone...
At the time of diagnosed, I was single (divorced) with two teenage sons. Two and half months earlier a minor surgery turned into a staph infection that nearly cost my life. My parents, sister and two brothers all live out-of-state. I have no relatives who even remotely lived near me. I relied on friends when I really had no choice.
I never have anyone with me for appointments, tests or treatments. I don’t even tell anyone that I will have a scan and only after I have the results and a solution (if one is needed) and only if I feel they need to know. Surgeries are a problem as one does need someone to take them home. That is when I call my friends. Usually it will be two, one to take me and one to bring me home. Especially important if it is an out-patient procedure. No one has to hang around a hospital waiting. When I have been hospitalized (infections) I drove myself.
I work full time and did so throughout my treatments. I do believe that you should take time to heal. I have never taken the full time allotted by my employer. I believe strongly that the sooner you are back to the normal routine, the sooner you will feel better.
I’m telling you my story so that you know that this is all doable on your own. I have learned over the years that the only people who understand what you are now going are those who have had the experience a diagnose with breast cancer and all it implies. Your family, your friends will understand a bit at first but soon it becomes “old news” and they are not interested in all the finer points that we, who have and are going through it understand.
You do have one brother who seems to have a lot of empathy for your predicament. Your two other brothers had more for your mother’s status as grieving widow and don’t seem to want to understand what has happen to you. You can’t infuse them with “caring”. You attacked your brothers and your mother felt a need to defend them. This must have been the family dynamics through the years.
It isn’t easy but you can get through this on your own. I did and am all the stronger for it. Ideally, the best situation is to have a spouse who is loving and caring. Since you nor I have that, then we have to make the best of the situation as it is. I believe you can.
Best to you,
Doris0 -
Thank You...You have been such a help!SIROD said:Going At It Alone...
At the time of diagnosed, I was single (divorced) with two teenage sons. Two and half months earlier a minor surgery turned into a staph infection that nearly cost my life. My parents, sister and two brothers all live out-of-state. I have no relatives who even remotely lived near me. I relied on friends when I really had no choice.
I never have anyone with me for appointments, tests or treatments. I don’t even tell anyone that I will have a scan and only after I have the results and a solution (if one is needed) and only if I feel they need to know. Surgeries are a problem as one does need someone to take them home. That is when I call my friends. Usually it will be two, one to take me and one to bring me home. Especially important if it is an out-patient procedure. No one has to hang around a hospital waiting. When I have been hospitalized (infections) I drove myself.
I work full time and did so throughout my treatments. I do believe that you should take time to heal. I have never taken the full time allotted by my employer. I believe strongly that the sooner you are back to the normal routine, the sooner you will feel better.
I’m telling you my story so that you know that this is all doable on your own. I have learned over the years that the only people who understand what you are now going are those who have had the experience a diagnose with breast cancer and all it implies. Your family, your friends will understand a bit at first but soon it becomes “old news” and they are not interested in all the finer points that we, who have and are going through it understand.
You do have one brother who seems to have a lot of empathy for your predicament. Your two other brothers had more for your mother’s status as grieving widow and don’t seem to want to understand what has happen to you. You can’t infuse them with “caring”. You attacked your brothers and your mother felt a need to defend them. This must have been the family dynamics through the years.
It isn’t easy but you can get through this on your own. I did and am all the stronger for it. Ideally, the best situation is to have a spouse who is loving and caring. Since you nor I have that, then we have to make the best of the situation as it is. I believe you can.
Best to you,
Doris
Im so delighted for all your responses. I have been handling this by myself for over a year now and I'm sure I will continue. I know I can do this because I have been doing it! However, I am so so hurt by my family, mostly my mom. I used to say to people all the time "nobody loves you like your mother does". And I believed it! You could have knocked me over with a feather when my mom defended my brothers. Denial or not, it hurts like hell. I just had my one year anniversary since my diagnosis. I think its all coming to the surface now because of that. I have already decided that I am bowing out of the holidays this year. No way I can sit and eat and pretend to be happy with them.
So, thanks again for all your kind words ladies....it really helps. There is a special place in heaven for each of you!0 -
Bummer
Perhaps the two uncaring brothers felt they had to do a lot of work with mom over the death of dad. Also they could fear thier own mortatlity when hearing about your diagnosis. Cancer does not discriminate and they (we hope not) might face the same fate some day. They may have had co workers with cancer and have seen the results of that. If you have always been a pilar of strength, this would scare the begeebuz out of them. Mom might fear that if you do not survive your cancer then she will not be able to count on you, her only daughter as she ages.
Does any of this excuse those reactions? By no means. You may find a way to forgive them given time. However now is the time to take good care of yourself. If you are a church member please solicit help from your church family. Do you have a hobby or social club? This is another place to look. Co workers and even ex husbands (yes occasionally even an ex hubby)can be sources of little kindnesses that keep you keeping on.
If the kids are older it is a lot easier as they can pick up a bit of your work in the short run. There is also "Cleaning with a purpose" that helps people who need housework done. I know others know of this organization. Hope they chime in.0 -
HI
I want to add my sympathy for those in your family who are running from your disease.
I know what you are going through. Been there. What has finally come to light (for me anyway) is that family members can be scared too. Their actions are not to be condoned. No way. But some people cannot handle this sort of thing. For me, my brothers (all 7 of them) seem to think that I am a very strong gal and I can do this. I won't go into detail about their actions but I will say that I was devastated by them. It's taken me quite a while to figure out that they still love me but they just don't get it.
My heart breaks for you. Have you tried a support group? Believe me, I understand that the most important support group SHOULD BE family, but many of us have found out that sometimes it's just not possible. I found my new family through friends. I swear, it was such an eye opener as these friends stepped forward to offer support as I went through treatments. They never left my side. My other new family is right here ... my pink sisters.
Although you might be saying to yourself "but I need my family right now", you might want to start saying "my new family is waiting for me somewhere". It hurts, I know. But you will find a way to move forward and forgive (yes...it will happen) a family who does love you despite their actions. I learned to never to depend on mine again but I will always be there for them and love them. I do have a sister and my father who have always been here for me, too. So that's a blessing.
Please have faith. Just try to move forward and know that you are loved and special.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It just shows us how much more special we all are on this board.
Hugs,
Mary0 -
agreeSIROD said:Going At It Alone...
At the time of diagnosed, I was single (divorced) with two teenage sons. Two and half months earlier a minor surgery turned into a staph infection that nearly cost my life. My parents, sister and two brothers all live out-of-state. I have no relatives who even remotely lived near me. I relied on friends when I really had no choice.
I never have anyone with me for appointments, tests or treatments. I don’t even tell anyone that I will have a scan and only after I have the results and a solution (if one is needed) and only if I feel they need to know. Surgeries are a problem as one does need someone to take them home. That is when I call my friends. Usually it will be two, one to take me and one to bring me home. Especially important if it is an out-patient procedure. No one has to hang around a hospital waiting. When I have been hospitalized (infections) I drove myself.
I work full time and did so throughout my treatments. I do believe that you should take time to heal. I have never taken the full time allotted by my employer. I believe strongly that the sooner you are back to the normal routine, the sooner you will feel better.
I’m telling you my story so that you know that this is all doable on your own. I have learned over the years that the only people who understand what you are now going are those who have had the experience a diagnose with breast cancer and all it implies. Your family, your friends will understand a bit at first but soon it becomes “old news” and they are not interested in all the finer points that we, who have and are going through it understand.
You do have one brother who seems to have a lot of empathy for your predicament. Your two other brothers had more for your mother’s status as grieving widow and don’t seem to want to understand what has happen to you. You can’t infuse them with “caring”. You attacked your brothers and your mother felt a need to defend them. This must have been the family dynamics through the years.
It isn’t easy but you can get through this on your own. I did and am all the stronger for it. Ideally, the best situation is to have a spouse who is loving and caring. Since you nor I have that, then we have to make the best of the situation as it is. I believe you can.
Best to you,
Doris
the most understanding you will get will be from those who share the same experience
nothing is old to us cause we know of the lingering effects phyiscaly and emotionaly some of which never leave
so do know you can vent here cause we will listen and we do understand
good luck once again
deeb0 -
agreeSIROD said:Going At It Alone...
At the time of diagnosed, I was single (divorced) with two teenage sons. Two and half months earlier a minor surgery turned into a staph infection that nearly cost my life. My parents, sister and two brothers all live out-of-state. I have no relatives who even remotely lived near me. I relied on friends when I really had no choice.
I never have anyone with me for appointments, tests or treatments. I don’t even tell anyone that I will have a scan and only after I have the results and a solution (if one is needed) and only if I feel they need to know. Surgeries are a problem as one does need someone to take them home. That is when I call my friends. Usually it will be two, one to take me and one to bring me home. Especially important if it is an out-patient procedure. No one has to hang around a hospital waiting. When I have been hospitalized (infections) I drove myself.
I work full time and did so throughout my treatments. I do believe that you should take time to heal. I have never taken the full time allotted by my employer. I believe strongly that the sooner you are back to the normal routine, the sooner you will feel better.
I’m telling you my story so that you know that this is all doable on your own. I have learned over the years that the only people who understand what you are now going are those who have had the experience a diagnose with breast cancer and all it implies. Your family, your friends will understand a bit at first but soon it becomes “old news” and they are not interested in all the finer points that we, who have and are going through it understand.
You do have one brother who seems to have a lot of empathy for your predicament. Your two other brothers had more for your mother’s status as grieving widow and don’t seem to want to understand what has happen to you. You can’t infuse them with “caring”. You attacked your brothers and your mother felt a need to defend them. This must have been the family dynamics through the years.
It isn’t easy but you can get through this on your own. I did and am all the stronger for it. Ideally, the best situation is to have a spouse who is loving and caring. Since you nor I have that, then we have to make the best of the situation as it is. I believe you can.
Best to you,
Doris
the most understanding you will get will be from those who share the same experience
nothing is old to us cause we know of the lingering effects phyiscaly and emotionaly some of which never leave
so do know you can vent here cause we will listen and we do understand
good luck once again
deeb0 -
Broken
I'm stunned to read your story and my heart goes out to you. I understand that grief does terrible things to people, and only time will help your family's wounds, but you must be totally crushed; as anyone would.
I must admit that when I got my diagnosis it wasn't until after my surgery that I told my family. I was worried what it would do to my parents, who are both in their very late 70s, and somehow I felt if no-one knew I could cope better. To a certain extent this is still true as I've only told immediate family, and only then given the barest of details.
I suppose alot of people wouldn't understand this coping mechanism, and my in-laws did feel 'shut out', but I had to do what worked for me. Of course this is totally my own choice, and a very selfish one at that.
What I'm trying to say is that perhaps your family's VERY CRUEL reaction is their way of coping. They're pulling down the shutters on stress as they just can't cope with anymore. I'm not saying it is anyway right, or an acceptable reaction, but it's probably just pure raw emotion, at its worst. You're all having the most horrendous time in your lives and you being diagnosed is just too much; not that it isn't for you too. Doesn't the saying go that we hurt the ones we love the most.
You'll certainly not get any cruel reactions on here. You'll make a whole new circle of the kindest, caring friends who'll help you through this and not abandon you when you need it most.
Sending you heaps of support, love and hugs.
Eliza xxxx0 -
wow I am so so sorry...we
wow I am so so sorry...we will all be here for your! I can't imagine your hurt from your brothers and THEN from your mom. Thank goodness you have your long distance brother! I am also sorry you have to go through this alone.
Have you checked with your local cancer society? or social worker?
Thinking of you..
Denise0 -
I am just checking in with
I am just checking in with you to see how things are going? I have been thinking of you...
Denise0 -
Sorry about your family
I am so sorry for the way your family reacted. I am sorry to say that I have heard of this happening before and it seems to be a knee jerk reaction (they're scared and don't know what to do).
Have you checked to see if there are any breast cancer support groups in your area? This would be a great source of support and help. I know the group I belong to has been great for me.0 -
I am so very sorry and wantdisneyfan2008 said:wow I am so so sorry...we
wow I am so so sorry...we will all be here for your! I can't imagine your hurt from your brothers and THEN from your mom. Thank goodness you have your long distance brother! I am also sorry you have to go through this alone.
Have you checked with your local cancer society? or social worker?
Thinking of you..
Denise
I am so very sorry and want you to know that WE are all here for you! Please reach out to someone, the ACS, a church, someone.
Big hugs,
Debby0
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