My family has abandoned me

mardibra

belindar said:

Sorry about your family
I am so sorry for the way your family reacted. I am sorry to say that I have heard of this happening before and it seems to be a knee jerk reaction (they're scared and don't know what to do).

Have you checked to see if there are any breast cancer support groups in your area? This would be a great source of support and help. I know the group I belong to has been great for me.

My new support...
...Is all of you! Very helpful...more than you can ever know. My birthday is Monday so Im going to try and focus on good things and having a little fun. I hope you all enjoy your weekend and have a little fun yourselves. Feel good about yourselves because you have made me smile.

Attygirl

mardibra said:

My new support...
...Is all of you! Very helpful...more than you can ever know. My birthday is Monday so Im going to try and focus on good things and having a little fun. I hope you all enjoy your weekend and have a little fun yourselves. Feel good about yourselves because you have made me smile.

Just read this post
and not only does my heart go out to you, but I can relate. My husband, parents and a few other loved ones have been very supportive. But there are close friends and family members who hav disappeared out of my life after this diagnosis. Even the ones who I have specifically asked if they could be there for me in a particular way, have found a way to not be there. It causes me SO much pain and anxiety that I literally feel it in my body. This can't be good for someone dealing with cancer. So I am trying so hard not to care, or to find the support elsewhere (here). But not a day goes by that I don't feel hurt by the abandonment.

I think there are several possible reasons for it, all of which were mentioned above. Either they are scared or troubled by the thought of their own mortality. Or they are simply caught up in their own lives and don't know what they can do or say. So...what can we do, but get what we need wherever we can (here), make new relationships and appreciate the ones that are still by our side, and get on with healing and living.

Thoughts and prayers to you, my sister.

Ctine70

mardibra said:

My new support...
...Is all of you! Very helpful...more than you can ever know. My birthday is Monday so Im going to try and focus on good things and having a little fun. I hope you all enjoy your weekend and have a little fun yourselves. Feel good about yourselves because you have made me smile.

You are not alone
I am so sorry that you feel abandon by your family, I am sure that they must be scared for you and not sure how to act. I too felt abandon by certain family members I even had one tll me that I didn't need chemo and chose to put myself through that hell.
Just know that you are strong and will get Through this. Find strength in all of us here and close friends.
Have you told your brothers and mom how you are feeling? I found that sometimes we need to be a little selfish and let our families
Know that we aren't always as strong as we seem and we do need help and support.
I hope you are doing well with your treatment and I wish you all the best
Hugs
Christine

DebbyM

Faith1122 said:

I am so sorry
That you have had to go through this alone! I would say for your brothers that maybe men really do not know how to react & maybe your mom doesn't either? I don't have an answer for you but I have a sister who has done awful things to me & we do not speak anymore. All I can say is remember you are worth more than that & you can get through this! come to this board when you need support. ((hugs)))

I am sorry beyond words that
I am sorry beyond words that this happened. I wish I could reach thru this computer and give you a big hug to let you know that you aren't alone. We are here for you, 24/7. Please remember that!


Hugs, Debby

rallendorfer

Happy Birthday one day late!
Did you have some cake and ice cream? Did you make a wish and blow out the candles (you didn't need a fire extinguisher did you?) When I made a birthday wish this year it wasn't as shallow as those in years gone by. What did you do that was fun?

You are trying to turn this loss into something good. That is the way to happiness. When I dwell on those that have turned away from me I become bitter...have you noticed you just can't seem to smile after thinking on it? Its just best to find joy in the ones that we DO have. I have 3 dogs too, that lift my spirits every day!

Happy Birthday!
Sending love and hugs,
Rebecca

disneyfan2008

checking back to see how
checking back to see how things are going for you...


Denise

mardibra

disneyfan2008 said:

checking back to see how
checking back to see how things are going for you...


Denise

Oh Boy...
I wrote my mom a 6 page letter and told her everything that happened from day one...all the details. On the day she received the letter she showed up at my house unannounced. She apologized profusely saying she didn't know just how bad things were and she didn't know that my brothers had treated me so badly. She copied my letter and sent it to my brothers. They should have received the letter yesterday so this weekend is going to be interesting.

I feel so much better since writing that letter! I'm hopeful that things will get better from this point. Who knows.

Thank you ladies...you've been such a great help!

Attygirl

mardibra said:

Oh Boy...
I wrote my mom a 6 page letter and told her everything that happened from day one...all the details. On the day she received the letter she showed up at my house unannounced. She apologized profusely saying she didn't know just how bad things were and she didn't know that my brothers had treated me so badly. She copied my letter and sent it to my brothers. They should have received the letter yesterday so this weekend is going to be interesting.

I feel so much better since writing that letter! I'm hopeful that things will get better from this point. Who knows.

Thank you ladies...you've been such a great help!

WOW!
That took courage!
So happy to hear she responded well!
I bet you do feel A LOT better!
So happy to hear that!
Let us know abot the guys...
X0

New Flower

mardibra said:

Oh Boy...
I wrote my mom a 6 page letter and told her everything that happened from day one...all the details. On the day she received the letter she showed up at my house unannounced. She apologized profusely saying she didn't know just how bad things were and she didn't know that my brothers had treated me so badly. She copied my letter and sent it to my brothers. They should have received the letter yesterday so this weekend is going to be interesting.

I feel so much better since writing that letter! I'm hopeful that things will get better from this point. Who knows.

Thank you ladies...you've been such a great help!

glad to hear that things are getting better
thank you for sharing your good new, re-united with your Mother. Make sure your supportive brother feels appreciated and get a 1 year anniversary Thank you card too.
As for a Thanksgiving dinner, this year will be very hard for you to pull it together as you are still recovering from your treatments. Take care of yourself first and let others host the dinner.
Hugs

hope4thebest

mardibra said:

Oh Boy...
I wrote my mom a 6 page letter and told her everything that happened from day one...all the details. On the day she received the letter she showed up at my house unannounced. She apologized profusely saying she didn't know just how bad things were and she didn't know that my brothers had treated me so badly. She copied my letter and sent it to my brothers. They should have received the letter yesterday so this weekend is going to be interesting.

I feel so much better since writing that letter! I'm hopeful that things will get better from this point. Who knows.

Thank you ladies...you've been such a great help!

Courage
Good job telling them how it is. Sometimes we need to spell it out, literally. It takes alot of courage to face what we have been through, writing it up sounds like a nice release. It is a perfect time to plan for the holidays, let them host this year.

In my case, I think other people need to be reminded of my condition-- first of all they cannot feel what we do, secondly, they get used to it, while we endure it. I am 16 mos out as a bc survivor and most of the people in my life avoid me and do not want to talk about it. I think they just don't know what to say. Ignorance is bliss.

In the absence of some, I have re-established other very fulfilling relationships with some old friends, and am grateful for those timeless relationships that can sustain even these tough times. A few good people is far more important than a full staff. Less is more.






Annie

mardibra

hope4thebest said:

Courage
Good job telling them how it is. Sometimes we need to spell it out, literally. It takes alot of courage to face what we have been through, writing it up sounds like a nice release. It is a perfect time to plan for the holidays, let them host this year.

In my case, I think other people need to be reminded of my condition-- first of all they cannot feel what we do, secondly, they get used to it, while we endure it. I am 16 mos out as a bc survivor and most of the people in my life avoid me and do not want to talk about it. I think they just don't know what to say. Ignorance is bliss.

In the absence of some, I have re-established other very fulfilling relationships with some old friends, and am grateful for those timeless relationships that can sustain even these tough times. A few good people is far more important than a full staff. Less is more.






Annie

Words of wisdom
"In my case, I think other people need to be reminded of my condition-- first of all they cannot feel what we do, secondly, they get used to it, while we endure it."

Well said!

Eleanor1

I am so sorry to hear about
I am so sorry to hear about this...I am new to this and just got diagnosed and I wouldn't know what to do if this will happen to me. I pray that you will stronger, as healthy as can be so you get better. I will pray for you !

Lynn Smith

Eleanor1 said:

I am so sorry to hear about
I am so sorry to hear about this...I am new to this and just got diagnosed and I wouldn't know what to do if this will happen to me. I pray that you will stronger, as healthy as can be so you get better. I will pray for you !

I was dx
This is sad about your family.My sons don't worry much till I get real sick but I have to be real sick.I don't remembe tellng them.Not at first till I was sure it was cancer and when my surgery would be.Husband was the only one who went for the surgery.I prefer my sons work and husband's one sister is in Michigan and the other lives close to us but has lots of medical problems.

I was dx with Stage 0 DCIS.Non invasive.I didn't have chemo or radiation.Just a lumpectomy.I remember telling my husband he had to take off work for the surgery.He of course was.Then he planned to go back to work the next day.I made sure he understood my doctor told me I needed help that day.So he stayed home but I had to make him.Our son and daughter moved into our camper behind our house the same day as my surgery.Husband spent more time talking to them and not looking out for me.I did the dishes etc.I was slow but managed.I guess I just do the things and don't ask for help. I've changed because the last few weeks I've had a severe case of bronchitis.I didn't do much like dishes etc.He did them.I finally decided if he wants a clean house with me so sick then he'll have to do it.When he's sick I clean!!!!!

Please stay with us and post about your journey.We all care and wish you the best.Maybe there is someone on the Board who lives in your state you can talk to.I've had friends/relatives who have had breast cancer.Sister just dx.Also 2 friends a mother and niece.4 of us in our family have been dx with breast cancer.My Mom was a 60 year survivor dx at 21. Passed away in 2011.

Wishing you the best.Very sorry about yuur family.Sounds like the brother who lives the farthest is the most supporative. Ashame he doesn't live closer.

Lynn Smith

hope4thebest

Lynn Smith said:

I was dx
This is sad about your family.My sons don't worry much till I get real sick but I have to be real sick.I don't remembe tellng them.Not at first till I was sure it was cancer and when my surgery would be.Husband was the only one who went for the surgery.I prefer my sons work and husband's one sister is in Michigan and the other lives close to us but has lots of medical problems.

I was dx with Stage 0 DCIS.Non invasive.I didn't have chemo or radiation.Just a lumpectomy.I remember telling my husband he had to take off work for the surgery.He of course was.Then he planned to go back to work the next day.I made sure he understood my doctor told me I needed help that day.So he stayed home but I had to make him.Our son and daughter moved into our camper behind our house the same day as my surgery.Husband spent more time talking to them and not looking out for me.I did the dishes etc.I was slow but managed.I guess I just do the things and don't ask for help. I've changed because the last few weeks I've had a severe case of bronchitis.I didn't do much like dishes etc.He did them.I finally decided if he wants a clean house with me so sick then he'll have to do it.When he's sick I clean!!!!!

Please stay with us and post about your journey.We all care and wish you the best.Maybe there is someone on the Board who lives in your state you can talk to.I've had friends/relatives who have had breast cancer.Sister just dx.Also 2 friends a mother and niece.4 of us in our family have been dx with breast cancer.My Mom was a 60 year survivor dx at 21. Passed away in 2011.

Wishing you the best.Very sorry about yuur family.Sounds like the brother who lives the farthest is the most supporative. Ashame he doesn't live closer.

Lynn Smith

dishes are a lot of work for us
Dishes seem to be 'easy' but in reality, we use all those breast muscles. Take it easy on the dishes!!! Try to speak up and tell the younger relatives to help out, be specific, and tell them that repetitive movements and bending over the sink are painful! For me, I still have problems with these dishes, and need to take a break. I had no idea how much that simple task was taxing my body.
Have compassion for yourself. You have been through alot. I don't have a husband, but I am sure he would not understand. I hope he comes around as he is also dealing with the shock of the diagnosis.

Much aloha,
Annie

Alexis F

mardibra said:

Oh Boy...
I wrote my mom a 6 page letter and told her everything that happened from day one...all the details. On the day she received the letter she showed up at my house unannounced. She apologized profusely saying she didn't know just how bad things were and she didn't know that my brothers had treated me so badly. She copied my letter and sent it to my brothers. They should have received the letter yesterday so this weekend is going to be interesting.

I feel so much better since writing that letter! I'm hopeful that things will get better from this point. Who knows.

Thank you ladies...you've been such a great help!

I am glad that you wrote the
I am glad that you wrote the letter and that your Mother finally understood. I hope your Brothers will too. They need to support and help you. Very happy that you feel better!


Hugs, Lex

disneyfan2008

I just checked for
I just checked for update...

GOOD for you...I am sure feels great to have it all out...

good thoughts heading your way

Denise

Shonique

My family abandoned me.....too
My heart goes out to you. I knew I would not have much support from my family but the fact that some of my siblings have never called me is still not only astonishing but so hurtful. It has been almost a year since I heard from my Mother. Truly sad. Their reaction was like out of sight out of mind.

I did have support though. My girls, as I call them, were amazing. Two of my best friends made me a priority.....everyday. I never went to an appointment or treatment alone. Those ladies took such good care of me that it makes me even more ashamed of my family.

It sounds like things are going to be fine for you and your family. I pray they will be. I am trying to forgive my family and at times I think I have and then the anger comes back. In time there will be forgiveness even though reconciliation is not possible.

Best of luck to you.

helen e

So sorry for your pain
I know how you feel. Three weeks before my diagnosis my mother-in-law died. Through the lupmectomy and mastectomy my husband told me 6 different times that because of my cancer he couldn't mourn his mother. Like I asked to have cancer. Then he lost his job right before my mastectomy and was off work for 15 months. While I was recovering from a tram flap reconstruction he hurt his back and I had to take care of him. Almost 3 years later we are still not doing very well. At least he now admits that he was there physically but not emotionally for me. He would leave late at night to go hang with his buddies while I went to bed alone. At least I had my brothers, sisters and parents there for me. I knew that if I needed anything they'd be there in a second.
I am so sorry that your mother was not there for you. When we are sick, even as adults all we want is our mothers to comfort us. I know that when I get sick I would call my mom just to hear her voice. Know that we are here for you, you are now a part of our family and you can vent, ask questions or anything else you feel like doing here and you will not be judged. We have all been where you are and understand what you are going through. You are not alone!! I will pray for you. Take care. Sending many hugs for you.
Helen

BPSiam

helen e said:

So sorry for your pain
I know how you feel. Three weeks before my diagnosis my mother-in-law died. Through the lupmectomy and mastectomy my husband told me 6 different times that because of my cancer he couldn't mourn his mother. Like I asked to have cancer. Then he lost his job right before my mastectomy and was off work for 15 months. While I was recovering from a tram flap reconstruction he hurt his back and I had to take care of him. Almost 3 years later we are still not doing very well. At least he now admits that he was there physically but not emotionally for me. He would leave late at night to go hang with his buddies while I went to bed alone. At least I had my brothers, sisters and parents there for me. I knew that if I needed anything they'd be there in a second.
I am so sorry that your mother was not there for you. When we are sick, even as adults all we want is our mothers to comfort us. I know that when I get sick I would call my mom just to hear her voice. Know that we are here for you, you are now a part of our family and you can vent, ask questions or anything else you feel like doing here and you will not be judged. We have all been where you are and understand what you are going through. You are not alone!! I will pray for you. Take care. Sending many hugs for you.
Helen

I've Been There, Too!

I also have a brother who hides between the proverbial tree - rarely, if ever, does he ask how I am or visits me or calls me - only when he wants something does he even bother to pick up the phone - and he lives a half-hour away! The idea that he is too busy just doesn't fly with me anymore. I am so sorry that you have had to go through a similar experience - abandonment from adults old enough to know better is a bitter dose to swallow. I am brand-new to this site and agree with everyone here who is sharing their support and hugs with you - know that I understand and send cheer and comfort your way - if you don't feel like celebrating with your biological family, that's OK - celebrate with your friends, who oftentimes can be more like your family than your own family, because you get to choose who you want to be part of your family. I hurt for awhile when I think of my brother's abandonment and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again, leaving him and my expectations of him behind - it takes a while to grieve the loss - give yourself permission to do so. Thank you for sharing your story with us. 

disneyfan2008

BPSiam said:

I've Been There, Too!

I also have a brother who hides between the proverbial tree - rarely, if ever, does he ask how I am or visits me or calls me - only when he wants something does he even bother to pick up the phone - and he lives a half-hour away! The idea that he is too busy just doesn't fly with me anymore. I am so sorry that you have had to go through a similar experience - abandonment from adults old enough to know better is a bitter dose to swallow. I am brand-new to this site and agree with everyone here who is sharing their support and hugs with you - know that I understand and send cheer and comfort your way - if you don't feel like celebrating with your biological family, that's OK - celebrate with your friends, who oftentimes can be more like your family than your own family, because you get to choose who you want to be part of your family. I hurt for awhile when I think of my brother's abandonment and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again, leaving him and my expectations of him behind - it takes a while to grieve the loss - give yourself permission to do so. Thank you for sharing your story with us. 

so sorry...to hear...

so sorry...to hear...