Linda P. Where are you?

djinco said:

Yes, Linda we are...
blessed. You are brave and bring to the forefront that no one leaves this planet alive, but blessings do surround us.

When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I queried my GYN/ONC, Dr. Pikaart if I were going to die. He pondered my question carefully as I had not yet been his patient for a long time, and he answered poignantly "yes, none of us leaves here alive." I have long appreciated his answer and used my time to reflect upon my life. Like Linda, I feel blessed. I am sure this post may cause some to be uncomfortable with my statement. That is okay. I shall only explain why I feel the way I do about overcoming the suffering that cancer brings to one's life, and the joy that overcomes the burdens when one realizes the gift we are given.

Many day's I read an article or see a news report where a person's life ends unexpectedly. Did that person have time to prepare for their life after death on this Earth? Did that individual get to tell their loved ones how grateful they are to be a part of their lives? Did he or she get to reflect upon all the joy that God granted during his or her life? How about that last hug from a grandchild, such as Linda's, or seeing a sibling that has not been seen for several years due to long distances of travel? How about that tender caress from a family member when one is not feeling well?

We, as sufferer's of this brutal ovarian cancer, do get all of the above and then some. We constantly meet new and wonderful people that had it not been for cancer, would probably have never entered our lives. It is difficult to hurt, I know that. I, like many of you spent three separate occasions admitted to the hospital after my surgery. I know the food isn't so great and the beds not so comfortable, but the medical staff are there to comfort us and try to make us feel better. It is my belief that God feels our pain, he cries when we cry and if we ask him in fervent heartfelt prayer, he can take away our pain and give us a burden no greater than we can handle.

Granted, I wish none of us had to suffer with this awful disease. But, we still are blessed. We have a chance to right our wrongs, thank those dear to us, ask for forgiveness and know that with the acceptance of our Savior, Jesus Christ, life does not end. We are promised a new and better life when we leave this Earth. We will no longer be ill and we will feel no pain. My mind cannot completely comprehend the future, but that is where faith becomes important.

Linda, I love you. Your heart is in the right place. You are a joy and inspiration and one day I plan to meet you in heaven. (I must say, I hope we have a great deal more time on this Earth, to reach more souls for Him.) Peace be with you, my teal warrior sister and may God take away all your fears and pain.

lindaprocopio said:

Monday update: rough weekend, but getting ascites drained TODAY!
It always seems like I have the most pain and trouble over the weekend when support is the most spotty. I have been working hard this morning to get an untrasound parsentesis ordered for this afternoon and after my husband got on the phone (gulp!) thay have me set up for 2 PM today! I'm so filled up with ascites fluid that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm supposed to keep my legs elevated as they swell up with edema into tree trunks if I sit normally even an hour, to the point where it's hard to bend my knees. But I can't seem to find a way to elevate my legs, work around my belly pressure, and not get a back ache from the fluids migrating to my back when I am reclined or even sitting back with this ascites belly. The swelling is enough that it pushed open my incision from the paracentesis I had last Tuesday, and that has been weeping a clear fluid for 3 days now. It is like a vicious cycle to get all of these new meds in balance. The Oxicodones made me so nausiated, and the Sofran anti-nausea pills make me so constipated. I'm taking miralax every morning, and 3 stool softener/laxative pills every morning and evening. I know once I get the ascites drained off again that this will help with the constipation and nausea more than enything. & I understand that the Fentanyl patches have constipation as a side affct 60% less than Oxicodone and the other opitates, so try to remember that if you (God forbid!) find yourself in a chronic pain situation. (Thanks so much, Linda, for the good feedback on the Fentanyl! It should arrive Fed-Ex today at 3, they say.) Those were ordered for me over the weekend (didn't get them yet) and I'm hoping they will be key in cutting back on some of these other drugs. The hospital bed gives me another tool I can use to support all this fluid and keep my legs up, but I try and spend most of the day NOT in bed, and I got a raised toilet for those infrequent times when I have leg cramps too bad to get down on a low toilet (only needed this twice so far.) Good to get the 'hardware' early on, I guess I'm saying.

I had to skip my grandson's playoff game yesterday. I just couldn't imagine how I could sit on the bleachers with this back ache, or how I'm walk back to my car once my legs swelled up from hanging down. He was totally sweet about it and called me from the field to let me know they'd won (Undefeated 10/0 seaeson!). Everyone takes hundreds of photos and they always do a DVD, so Jakey will need to come over and curl up on my 'barcolounger' (i.e. hospital bed) with me and give me the play-by-play. So that's okay; more in keeping with what I can actually do without lots of consequences anyway. Hope to be feeling MUCH better and less whiny after my paracentesis today at 2, & the Fentanyl arriving at 3!

Is there a chance my messages and posts are making you more pessimistic about your own prognosis? Please keep hope alive and fight on. I remember how I reacted to each loss on the Ovarian Cancer Board; each loss emotionally setting me back for some time. I am so grateful for the information they bravely shared, as it is helping me tremendously at this time. But it did still rock my world each time. Maybe you could just make yourself a 'cut-and-paste' document of anything helpful I've said and read it if you ever do enter hospice. ((((hugs))))

lindaprocopio said:

Monday update: rough weekend, but getting ascites drained TODAY!
It always seems like I have the most pain and trouble over the weekend when support is the most spotty. I have been working hard this morning to get an untrasound parsentesis ordered for this afternoon and after my husband got on the phone (gulp!) thay have me set up for 2 PM today! I'm so filled up with ascites fluid that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm supposed to keep my legs elevated as they swell up with edema into tree trunks if I sit normally even an hour, to the point where it's hard to bend my knees. But I can't seem to find a way to elevate my legs, work around my belly pressure, and not get a back ache from the fluids migrating to my back when I am reclined or even sitting back with this ascites belly. The swelling is enough that it pushed open my incision from the paracentesis I had last Tuesday, and that has been weeping a clear fluid for 3 days now. It is like a vicious cycle to get all of these new meds in balance. The Oxicodones made me so nausiated, and the Sofran anti-nausea pills make me so constipated. I'm taking miralax every morning, and 3 stool softener/laxative pills every morning and evening. I know once I get the ascites drained off again that this will help with the constipation and nausea more than enything. & I understand that the Fentanyl patches have constipation as a side affct 60% less than Oxicodone and the other opitates, so try to remember that if you (God forbid!) find yourself in a chronic pain situation. (Thanks so much, Linda, for the good feedback on the Fentanyl! It should arrive Fed-Ex today at 3, they say.) Those were ordered for me over the weekend (didn't get them yet) and I'm hoping they will be key in cutting back on some of these other drugs. The hospital bed gives me another tool I can use to support all this fluid and keep my legs up, but I try and spend most of the day NOT in bed, and I got a raised toilet for those infrequent times when I have leg cramps too bad to get down on a low toilet (only needed this twice so far.) Good to get the 'hardware' early on, I guess I'm saying.

I had to skip my grandson's playoff game yesterday. I just couldn't imagine how I could sit on the bleachers with this back ache, or how I'm walk back to my car once my legs swelled up from hanging down. He was totally sweet about it and called me from the field to let me know they'd won (Undefeated 10/0 seaeson!). Everyone takes hundreds of photos and they always do a DVD, so Jakey will need to come over and curl up on my 'barcolounger' (i.e. hospital bed) with me and give me the play-by-play. So that's okay; more in keeping with what I can actually do without lots of consequences anyway. Hope to be feeling MUCH better and less whiny after my paracentesis today at 2, & the Fentanyl arriving at 3!

Is there a chance my messages and posts are making you more pessimistic about your own prognosis? Please keep hope alive and fight on. I remember how I reacted to each loss on the Ovarian Cancer Board; each loss emotionally setting me back for some time. I am so grateful for the information they bravely shared, as it is helping me tremendously at this time. But it did still rock my world each time. Maybe you could just make yourself a 'cut-and-paste' document of anything helpful I've said and read it if you ever do enter hospice. ((((hugs))))

lindaprocopio said:

Monday update: rough weekend, but getting ascites drained TODAY!
It always seems like I have the most pain and trouble over the weekend when support is the most spotty. I have been working hard this morning to get an untrasound parsentesis ordered for this afternoon and after my husband got on the phone (gulp!) thay have me set up for 2 PM today! I'm so filled up with ascites fluid that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm supposed to keep my legs elevated as they swell up with edema into tree trunks if I sit normally even an hour, to the point where it's hard to bend my knees. But I can't seem to find a way to elevate my legs, work around my belly pressure, and not get a back ache from the fluids migrating to my back when I am reclined or even sitting back with this ascites belly. The swelling is enough that it pushed open my incision from the paracentesis I had last Tuesday, and that has been weeping a clear fluid for 3 days now. It is like a vicious cycle to get all of these new meds in balance. The Oxicodones made me so nausiated, and the Sofran anti-nausea pills make me so constipated. I'm taking miralax every morning, and 3 stool softener/laxative pills every morning and evening. I know once I get the ascites drained off again that this will help with the constipation and nausea more than enything. & I understand that the Fentanyl patches have constipation as a side affct 60% less than Oxicodone and the other opitates, so try to remember that if you (God forbid!) find yourself in a chronic pain situation. (Thanks so much, Linda, for the good feedback on the Fentanyl! It should arrive Fed-Ex today at 3, they say.) Those were ordered for me over the weekend (didn't get them yet) and I'm hoping they will be key in cutting back on some of these other drugs. The hospital bed gives me another tool I can use to support all this fluid and keep my legs up, but I try and spend most of the day NOT in bed, and I got a raised toilet for those infrequent times when I have leg cramps too bad to get down on a low toilet (only needed this twice so far.) Good to get the 'hardware' early on, I guess I'm saying.

I had to skip my grandson's playoff game yesterday. I just couldn't imagine how I could sit on the bleachers with this back ache, or how I'm walk back to my car once my legs swelled up from hanging down. He was totally sweet about it and called me from the field to let me know they'd won (Undefeated 10/0 seaeson!). Everyone takes hundreds of photos and they always do a DVD, so Jakey will need to come over and curl up on my 'barcolounger' (i.e. hospital bed) with me and give me the play-by-play. So that's okay; more in keeping with what I can actually do without lots of consequences anyway. Hope to be feeling MUCH better and less whiny after my paracentesis today at 2, & the Fentanyl arriving at 3!

Is there a chance my messages and posts are making you more pessimistic about your own prognosis? Please keep hope alive and fight on. I remember how I reacted to each loss on the Ovarian Cancer Board; each loss emotionally setting me back for some time. I am so grateful for the information they bravely shared, as it is helping me tremendously at this time. But it did still rock my world each time. Maybe you could just make yourself a 'cut-and-paste' document of anything helpful I've said and read it if you ever do enter hospice. ((((hugs))))

Ro10 said:

Linda hope you are more comfortable this evening
Sorry you had a miserable weekend. Hope you got the fluid drained and are much more comfortable. Sorry that the fluid built up so fast. Hope you got the pain patch and you will not need to take so many pills, as they are so hard on your stomach. Enjoy that DVD with Jackey. Glad you will get to enjoy the game with him. Wishing you peace and comfort. You remain in my prayers.

angiedryden said:

Once...sometimes twice
Once..sometimes twice a day I visit this site. I quietly read the posts...sometimes laughing, sometimes crying and sometimes filled with hope. I rarely post,I think all of you are so wonderful and when I need a answer to something concerning this devil called OC someone is always quick to reply and I thank you all for that. Linda my hope and prayer for you is to get some relief from the pain this demon causes. I also pray for you to have some nights of some deep restful sleep. I pray God will see you through these days ahead. I read this and wanted to share it with you.
On the fringe is where I find myself
Somewhere in the mesh of life and death
Each breath the result of an ever present fight
Truth is life has descended to little else

Every day I hurt, this pain too joins others
Today another function my body can't perform
With family and friends visiting each day
The truth is most always I feel alone

On the fringe is where I find myself
It's hard to believe this has become of me
Friends mask smiles, but tear tracks are apparent
They inquire, but don't really want to know

Faith tells me loved ones wait with open arms
And for that I believe my heart rejoices
But my eyes see loved ones that don't comprehend
So I continue to fight - not for me, but for them

On the fringe is where I find myself
Coming to terms with my sins from the past
I've made my peace with the Almighty
I value each remaining moment, good and bad

And when the inevitable happens, someday before long
You should know that my time hasn't been in vain
Know that faith matters most in the thick of the storm
Find love and be happy until this fringe is your own

God bless you Linda

Mwee said:

Dear Linda, you are indeed my HERO!
I have always believed that as mothers, we never stop being teachers and guides for our children and grandchildren. The grace and strength that you are exhibiting to your family will stay with them through any adversities that they may encounter throughout their lives. Thank you so much for encluding us in your "family".

I'm hoping to hear to hear that Mr. Fedex arrived with your pain relief and the paracentesis made you more comfortable!
((((HUGS))) Maria

lindaprocopio said:

Monday update: rough weekend, but getting ascites drained TODAY!
It always seems like I have the most pain and trouble over the weekend when support is the most spotty. I have been working hard this morning to get an untrasound parsentesis ordered for this afternoon and after my husband got on the phone (gulp!) thay have me set up for 2 PM today! I'm so filled up with ascites fluid that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm supposed to keep my legs elevated as they swell up with edema into tree trunks if I sit normally even an hour, to the point where it's hard to bend my knees. But I can't seem to find a way to elevate my legs, work around my belly pressure, and not get a back ache from the fluids migrating to my back when I am reclined or even sitting back with this ascites belly. The swelling is enough that it pushed open my incision from the paracentesis I had last Tuesday, and that has been weeping a clear fluid for 3 days now. It is like a vicious cycle to get all of these new meds in balance. The Oxicodones made me so nausiated, and the Sofran anti-nausea pills make me so constipated. I'm taking miralax every morning, and 3 stool softener/laxative pills every morning and evening. I know once I get the ascites drained off again that this will help with the constipation and nausea more than enything. & I understand that the Fentanyl patches have constipation as a side affct 60% less than Oxicodone and the other opitates, so try to remember that if you (God forbid!) find yourself in a chronic pain situation. (Thanks so much, Linda, for the good feedback on the Fentanyl! It should arrive Fed-Ex today at 3, they say.) Those were ordered for me over the weekend (didn't get them yet) and I'm hoping they will be key in cutting back on some of these other drugs. The hospital bed gives me another tool I can use to support all this fluid and keep my legs up, but I try and spend most of the day NOT in bed, and I got a raised toilet for those infrequent times when I have leg cramps too bad to get down on a low toilet (only needed this twice so far.) Good to get the 'hardware' early on, I guess I'm saying.

I had to skip my grandson's playoff game yesterday. I just couldn't imagine how I could sit on the bleachers with this back ache, or how I'm walk back to my car once my legs swelled up from hanging down. He was totally sweet about it and called me from the field to let me know they'd won (Undefeated 10/0 seaeson!). Everyone takes hundreds of photos and they always do a DVD, so Jakey will need to come over and curl up on my 'barcolounger' (i.e. hospital bed) with me and give me the play-by-play. So that's okay; more in keeping with what I can actually do without lots of consequences anyway. Hope to be feeling MUCH better and less whiny after my paracentesis today at 2, & the Fentanyl arriving at 3!

Is there a chance my messages and posts are making you more pessimistic about your own prognosis? Please keep hope alive and fight on. I remember how I reacted to each loss on the Ovarian Cancer Board; each loss emotionally setting me back for some time. I am so grateful for the information they bravely shared, as it is helping me tremendously at this time. But it did still rock my world each time. Maybe you could just make yourself a 'cut-and-paste' document of anything helpful I've said and read it if you ever do enter hospice. ((((hugs))))