I expected him to look worse

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ahamric
ahamric Member Posts: 92
in Head and Neck Cancer #1
What on earth is that supposed to mean? All of our friends who havn't seen Vaughn in a while all say the same thing ...I expected him to look worse. I'm not sure if this is a compliment or not. I think he looks great so I get a little annoyed.I'm not sure if people just don't know what to say or what. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I just too protective and over reacting? I guess it's just because I have seen him through everything and I know how far he has come.
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  • KTeacher
    KTeacher Member Posts: 1,103
    #2
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    Oh Yes
    Oh yes, so many have said that. I guess I should feel as good as I look! Sometimes I just smile and say thank you, sometimes I have the energy to let them know what's cooking.
    Unfortunately this is something that people don't know about unless someone close has gone through it. Best wishes to you both in recovery, it takes time.
  • robinleigh
    robinleigh Member Posts: 297
    #3
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    KTeacher said:

    Oh Yes
    Oh yes, so many have said that. I guess I should feel as good as I look! Sometimes I just smile and say thank you, sometimes I have the energy to let them know what's cooking.
    Unfortunately this is something that people don't know about unless someone close has gone through it. Best wishes to you both in recovery, it takes time.

    What to say
    Nothing ever seems quite right and I think I can be overly sensitive. Some people have gone so overboard saying over and over to Andy " you look so good! You look so good! I can't believe how good you look!". When we get home he laughs and says "boy, i must really look like crap!" and. The funny thing is that nobody really looks that great...I mean we're all getting close to 60...get real. Some wrinkles here and there, some obesity here and there, etc. But, I think their comments are to make us feel better and they do have good intentions!
    I'm praying to have love and compassion for others!
    Here's to continuing to look marvelous!!!!
    Robinleigh
  • Pam M
    Pam M Member Posts: 2,196
    #4
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    You Look Mahvelous!!
    We all do. That is, when we don't look like absolute doo doo.

    I went to a family event (dad's family - see them about every three years) not long after treatment - after not recognizing me, everyone let me know how good I looked. several months later, I spoke with my dad's sister in law (who missed the graduation party)on the phone. And bless her heart - she said "I'm glad to hear you're doing so well - they told me how bad you looked at the graduation party".

    I think we tell ourselves that if somone looks good, they can't be too sick. And if we say they look good, then they WILL improve - they ARE improving. Some days, I thought it was a kindness - some days, it irritated me.
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #5
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    People say

    In dealing with cancer I find that people don’t know what to say, so they hope in there own mind to say something positive. Oh you look great for having the crap beat out of you with all that treatment you are going through. They mean well so sometime we just have to take it for what it is.

    I have learned to laugh at them when they say things like man you are skinny now, who me!
    Hondo
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #6
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    Fairness
    In all fairness, I think there's a misconception of cancer treatment.

    I know when I first was told I had cancer. The first thing came to mind was pale, no color, no hair, thin people wasting away until you die....

    As we all know, that's not the case at all. Actually I had very little signs of being in treatment other than the brief no hair period (which I flat topped), and the dark peeling neck skin period.

    So in all fairness, I think people presume much of the same when they hear you have cancer.

    Then when they see you, they don't understand why you look much better than they had imagined.

    Then like you all picked up on, they don't know quite what to say...so usually (in our eyes), it's something stupid....

    My standard reply most of the time was something like, "Other than having cancer, I'm in perfect health..."

    Best,
    John
  • palmyrafan
    palmyrafan Member Posts: 396
    #7
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    I have heard
    comments at both ends of the spectrum. From family and friends I heard "you don't look so bad", "I expected you to be wearing a crash helmet", "why do you have 2 black eyes from brain surgery" to these comments from complete strangers "who are you, Frankenstein's Bride" and "you look like you're someone's botched lab experiment".

    I think that some people really don't know what to say. They may be trying to make small talk and not sure what the proper protocol is. I also think that when we see our visitors that we are hoping (maybe even secretly) that they'll tell us how good we look. We want our sense of normal back.

    It's no surprise people talk first and think second. My philosophy is quite simple: "tis better a man to THINK you a fool, than to open your mouth and prove it"

    Peace,
    Teresa
  • Greend
    Greend Member Posts: 678
    #8
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    Wow
    Seriously everyone that saw me said I looked like crap. Either I have more honest friends or I looked/look like crap.

    I need to think about this one.
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #9
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    Greend said:

    Wow
    Seriously everyone that saw me said I looked like crap. Either I have more honest friends or I looked/look like crap.

    I need to think about this one.

    Denny
    But you went through a lot and dropped a significant amount of weight....I'm sure they were reacting to that.....

    You don't look like crap to me...actually you are very personable and friendly. In the photo of you in the orange shirt, I thought you looked pretty serious. But in meeeting you, I realize how nice you really are. It's great to be able to meet and know someone or a different platform than here.

    JG
  • robertjuy
    robertjuy Member Posts: 45
    #10
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    Comments from people
    When different people found out my wife had cancer they responded in so many different ways. My aunties weeped, my friends said sorry and offered so much support. I wrote so many letters about what happened and am so touched by these people.

    However I will say one guy I knew had the oddest reaction. asked how long she had to live, is she thin, does she eat? I basically hung up on him. not a friend.

    Second guy is an insurance salesman. I asked about insuring her, he said no way, that's why I told you to buy as soon as possible. Now lets talk about your own life insurance.... we should buy yours right now. Scumbag. always wondered why he spent labor day at home alone.

    I guess in the end, silence is golden and support is platimum. Opening your mouth with a foot in it will get you banned from my friend list.
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #11
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    you look so good
    that is what we kept hearing from Jim's daughter who came to visit from Portland, Oregan. It really iritated Jim. I would tell him that he did probably look better than expected and she only meant well but he still was irritated. Of course he never groused to her, just me. He would never hurt her feelings. I did say a few times that he may look good to her but he felt half deaad. It never sunk in. Some people can't handle the facts and live in denial because that is the only way they can get through it. As others have said, they expect the worse and when they see you they do see you as good or they do not know what to say so they think positive is the best way.
  • osmotar
    osmotar Member Posts: 1,006
    #12
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    robertjuy said:

    Comments from people
    When different people found out my wife had cancer they responded in so many different ways. My aunties weeped, my friends said sorry and offered so much support. I wrote so many letters about what happened and am so touched by these people.

    However I will say one guy I knew had the oddest reaction. asked how long she had to live, is she thin, does she eat? I basically hung up on him. not a friend.

    Second guy is an insurance salesman. I asked about insuring her, he said no way, that's why I told you to buy as soon as possible. Now lets talk about your own life insurance.... we should buy yours right now. Scumbag. always wondered why he spent labor day at home alone.

    I guess in the end, silence is golden and support is platimum. Opening your mouth with a foot in it will get you banned from my friend list.

    Looks
    My looks pre-cancer never concerened me, so now being bald isn't so bad,I'm kinda liking it , all the wonderful hats ..oohhh my. I have lost a few lbs but should have done that anyway. Even though I'm only going for my second infusion next week my looks haven't changed much and if thru the course of this journey they do oh well, it will still be one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. My 6 year old grandaughter was worried about people staring at me, and I told her that I wasn't worried about that either.
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #13
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Denny
    But you went through a lot and dropped a significant amount of weight....I'm sure they were reacting to that.....

    You don't look like crap to me...actually you are very personable and friendly. In the photo of you in the orange shirt, I thought you looked pretty serious. But in meeeting you, I realize how nice you really are. It's great to be able to meet and know someone or a different platform than here.

    JG

    Denny / John
    I will agree that is a good looking picture of both of you boys.

    Thanks I needed something new for target practice. :):)

    Hondo
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #14
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Fairness
    In all fairness, I think there's a misconception of cancer treatment.

    I know when I first was told I had cancer. The first thing came to mind was pale, no color, no hair, thin people wasting away until you die....

    As we all know, that's not the case at all. Actually I had very little signs of being in treatment other than the brief no hair period (which I flat topped), and the dark peeling neck skin period.

    So in all fairness, I think people presume much of the same when they hear you have cancer.

    Then when they see you, they don't understand why you look much better than they had imagined.

    Then like you all picked up on, they don't know quite what to say...so usually (in our eyes), it's something stupid....

    My standard reply most of the time was something like, "Other than having cancer, I'm in perfect health..."

    Best,
    John

    Rad Treatment
    Just about all of my radiation treatment was directly to the face and neck, I looked like an overdone French fry. When some of the people who worked with me would see me they would just look and say boy I bet that hurts. I would not answer them and they knew better to say anything again. But in it all I knew they mint well, they just did not have the right words I needed to hear.

    Hondo
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #15
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    jim and i said:

    you look so good
    that is what we kept hearing from Jim's daughter who came to visit from Portland, Oregan. It really iritated Jim. I would tell him that he did probably look better than expected and she only meant well but he still was irritated. Of course he never groused to her, just me. He would never hurt her feelings. I did say a few times that he may look good to her but he felt half deaad. It never sunk in. Some people can't handle the facts and live in denial because that is the only way they can get through it. As others have said, they expect the worse and when they see you they do see you as good or they do not know what to say so they think positive is the best way.

    Oh yea. We have heard it all.
    It'll probably get even better. People say the stupidest things. We have had quite a few threads about that here. If I can find them, I will link them here. It's pretty crazy the things that people say.
  • Goalie
    Goalie Member Posts: 184
    #16
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    sweetblood22 said:

    Oh yea. We have heard it all.
    It'll probably get even better. People say the stupidest things. We have had quite a few threads about that here. If I can find them, I will link them here. It's pretty crazy the things that people say.

    I remember that thread
    about the stupid things people say. It was hilarious at times when it wasn't tragically stupid.

    My wife always likes to tell the story about how before coming down to see us at Thanksgiving last year my mother was so afraid of how I would look that she almost couldn't ask her. I was then in week 8 of rads and a couple of chemos and was in really rough shape as I had lost about 40 pounds. I looked almost cadaverous.

    But I think my mother was most afraid of seeing me bald from the chemo. Thankfully, cisplatin doesn't do this to you. Though my hair thinned noticeably, this may have been from the lack of nutrition as much as from the drugs. That is, the hair that wasn't between my eyes and shoulders was thinner; the part in between had all been burned off. And yes, my neck looked like chicken on the grill.

    But other than that, and the difficulty walking and the time spent on hands and knees yakking into a basin, I was fine...
  • Goalie
    Goalie Member Posts: 184
    #17
    Options
    sweetblood22 said:

    Oh yea. We have heard it all.
    It'll probably get even better. People say the stupidest things. We have had quite a few threads about that here. If I can find them, I will link them here. It's pretty crazy the things that people say.

    I remember that thread
    about the stupid things people say. It was hilarious at times when it wasn't tragically stupid.

    My wife always likes to tell the story about how before coming down to see us at Thanksgiving last year my mother was so afraid of how I would look that she almost couldn't ask her. I was then in week 8 of rads and a couple of chemos and was in really rough shape as I had lost about 40 pounds. I looked almost cadaverous.

    But I think my mother was most afraid of seeing me bald from the chemo. Thankfully, cisplatin doesn't do this to you. Though my hair thinned noticeably, this may have been from the lack of nutrition as much as from the drugs. That is, the hair that wasn't between my eyes and shoulders was thinner; the part in between had all been burned off. And yes, my neck looked like chicken on the grill.

    But other than that, and the difficulty walking and the time spent on hands and knees yakking into a basin, I was fine...
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #18
    Options
    Goalie said:

    I remember that thread
    about the stupid things people say. It was hilarious at times when it wasn't tragically stupid.

    My wife always likes to tell the story about how before coming down to see us at Thanksgiving last year my mother was so afraid of how I would look that she almost couldn't ask her. I was then in week 8 of rads and a couple of chemos and was in really rough shape as I had lost about 40 pounds. I looked almost cadaverous.

    But I think my mother was most afraid of seeing me bald from the chemo. Thankfully, cisplatin doesn't do this to you. Though my hair thinned noticeably, this may have been from the lack of nutrition as much as from the drugs. That is, the hair that wasn't between my eyes and shoulders was thinner; the part in between had all been burned off. And yes, my neck looked like chicken on the grill.

    But other than that, and the difficulty walking and the time spent on hands and knees yakking into a basin, I was fine...

    Here are a couple. There
    Here are a couple. There are more, but I can't find them. I keep getting booted off and then I keep needing to sign back in.

    MORE COMMENTS FROM THE INANE AND IDIOTIC  

    IN LAWS AT THE HOLIDAYS AND THE OH SO SPECIAL THINGS THEY SAY  
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #19
    Options
    Goalie said:

    I remember that thread
    about the stupid things people say. It was hilarious at times when it wasn't tragically stupid.

    My wife always likes to tell the story about how before coming down to see us at Thanksgiving last year my mother was so afraid of how I would look that she almost couldn't ask her. I was then in week 8 of rads and a couple of chemos and was in really rough shape as I had lost about 40 pounds. I looked almost cadaverous.

    But I think my mother was most afraid of seeing me bald from the chemo. Thankfully, cisplatin doesn't do this to you. Though my hair thinned noticeably, this may have been from the lack of nutrition as much as from the drugs. That is, the hair that wasn't between my eyes and shoulders was thinner; the part in between had all been burned off. And yes, my neck looked like chicken on the grill.

    But other than that, and the difficulty walking and the time spent on hands and knees yakking into a basin, I was fine...

    Goalie,
    I call that the monk
    Goalie,

    I call that the monk hair cut.
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #20
    Options
    sweetblood22 said:

    Here are a couple. There
    Here are a couple. There are more, but I can't find them. I keep getting booted off and then I keep needing to sign back in.

    MORE COMMENTS FROM THE INANE AND IDIOTIC  

    IN LAWS AT THE HOLIDAYS AND THE OH SO SPECIAL THINGS THEY SAY  

    Survivor31
    Don't forget the one by the lady Survivor31 ...her aunt or someone said at a family gathering that she was being punished by God, that's the reason she had contracted cancer.

    Punished

    JG
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #21
    Options
    Skiffin16 said:

    Survivor31
    Don't forget the one by the lady Survivor31 ...her aunt or someone said at a family gathering that she was being punished by God, that's the reason she had contracted cancer.

    Punished

    JG

    John
    Yes! That's the other one I was thinking of that I couldn't find. I remember being so upset by her post!

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