feel like I am going insane

2

Comments

  • sinee
    sinee Member Posts: 196 Member
    #22
    Laura
    I know how you feel...I really really do....But know this, please take a moment to just KNOW this...everyone is going to die. Everyone. No one knows when, no one. You don't, I don't, your kids don't, your best friends don't. But each and everyone of us will. What I won't do is live like I am the only one that is not going to die. And when you have a cancer diagnosis, that is where your head goes. That was where mine went. I was stage IV, and I say was, because the doc's got it wrong...so I know that awful feeling, that you are feeling, like I was going insane too. And then it just hit me, what is making me different than my family, my friends, my neighbors? The simple fact, that I now know, I am going to die. They all will too. So I decided that I was going to live from a different view, the same one I had before my diagnosis. The one everyone else walks through life with, unscathed. The one that says, yeah, someday I will die, I don't know when, and I can't change it so I might as well go back to living MY life. The same one that I was living. With my family, with my friends, I know I will live it differently, than they will, I will appreciate it, every minute of it...I say I love you, more than I ever did. I hug more than I ever did, and that is ok....people don't seem to mind, and they usually answer with I love you to...other than that, nothing has really changed, not really. You still don't know that you are going to die at 45 or me at 57, I just might be 67..I might die tomorrow in a car accident..someone else died today from a car accident, they were 25. So death can come anytime. We need to live our life from life, not from what if...so you can't "grasp" dying? good you arent' supposed to be able to. Grasp life, grasp living, grasp one more hug, one more I love you, grasp one more sunset, one more sunrise, grasp one more hand, one more person that needs you to get through their day. Smile. Now is what we have, and no one has anything else. Whatever your thoughts were before you got Cancer, you can have those thoughts right now. Inhale one big breath, go ahead do it right now..feel that, air filled your lungs, you are alive and well...and everyone that died today, didn't get to do that. Live while you are still here. Live Laura, Live now. Be Laura
  • mruczko
    mruczko Member Posts: 110
    #23
    Feelings of going insance
    Laura:
    Just returned from a fancy restaurant's Sunday brunch celebrating the first cancerversary, stuffed to the gills. My thanks to husband for taking care of me during a horrendous struggle lasting 1-1/2 years. When I first heard the diagnosis in Sept. 09 I flipped out emotionally. Can totally, absolutely relate to you. Threw the biopsy report at husband and screamed "here is my death warrant". Chemo hit me hard, maybe in part due to my age - 76. In Jan. 2010 I spent the little energy I had on the internet trying to find a way to travel to Holland for euthanasia, can you get any crazier than that? Oncologist tried his best to soothe me, the tumors reacted very favorably to the chemo, my weak joke was - yes, you are killing the tumors and me as well. When I was widowed I was put on anti depressants, but had a severe reaction, so in my weakened state this was not an option. I got some help through a local cancer group who matched me up with a BC survivor and and neighbor who was 5 years out from having had BC. Started to attend a monthly support group at the hospital late fall. Wished I'd have found this board earlier.
    Husband put this Bible verse on my dresser:
    Be strong and couragous
    Do not be terrified
    Do not be discouraged
    For the Lord your God will be with YOU wherever YOU go.
    Although I am not a church goer, this gave me strength and comfort.
    With all the support you have you WILL make it through!
    May warm fuzzies and hugs
    Marlene
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    #24
    Hi Laura, I am so sorry you
    Hi Laura, I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. When I first found out I had cancer I got really scared. I just knew I was going to die. But as I came through the whole process I realized I was not going to die. I think you are right in that you need a Meds change or increase. and if you think you need to go to the hospital for a few days go. What does you therapist say? What was your final pathology report. Are you feeling good physically? We are all here for you darlin all the way. Take care Kay
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    #25
    smalldoggroomer said:

    Hi Laura, I am so sorry you
    Hi Laura, I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. When I first found out I had cancer I got really scared. I just knew I was going to die. But as I came through the whole process I realized I was not going to die. I think you are right in that you need a Meds change or increase. and if you think you need to go to the hospital for a few days go. What does you therapist say? What was your final pathology report. Are you feeling good physically? We are all here for you darlin all the way. Take care Kay

    such wonderful and hopeful words from everyone
    I made it through another day and today was a much better day then yesterday, thank God and thank all you lovely ladies here.

    Was able to be in the moment and be with my kids with more of me present than has been the case for many long days. What a blessing.

    Laura
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #26
    dbhadra said:

    such wonderful and hopeful words from everyone
    I made it through another day and today was a much better day then yesterday, thank God and thank all you lovely ladies here.

    Was able to be in the moment and be with my kids with more of me present than has been the case for many long days. What a blessing.

    Laura

    Glad to hear you are better
    keep taking medications and seise the moment.
    Hugs
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    #27
    So glad to hear you are
    So glad to hear you are feeling better. Every day will get better and better. Just tell yourself each morning Its going to be a wonderful day. Take care darlin, enjoy your family, be kind to your self and remember we are all here for you anytime. After all you know have about 4000 sisters!! can you say Christmas!!!LOL
    Your new sister in pink, Kay
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #28
    dbhadra said:

    such wonderful and hopeful words from everyone
    I made it through another day and today was a much better day then yesterday, thank God and thank all you lovely ladies here.

    Was able to be in the moment and be with my kids with more of me present than has been the case for many long days. What a blessing.

    Laura

    That's it...one day at a
    That's it...one day at a time! I'm glad you had a good day, and I hope today is a good one for you too!

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    #29
    smalldoggroomer said:

    So glad to hear you are
    So glad to hear you are feeling better. Every day will get better and better. Just tell yourself each morning Its going to be a wonderful day. Take care darlin, enjoy your family, be kind to your self and remember we are all here for you anytime. After all you know have about 4000 sisters!! can you say Christmas!!!LOL
    Your new sister in pink, Kay

    sorry to say back down this morning
    Can;t face another day and my husband is taking me to the mental hospital near us for an evaluation since I am feeling suicidal.

    Laura
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    #30
    dbhadra said:

    sorry to say back down this morning
    Can;t face another day and my husband is taking me to the mental hospital near us for an evaluation since I am feeling suicidal.

    Laura

    Oh know, I'm so sorry you
    Oh know, I'm so sorry you are feeling bad today. You are doing the right thing getting evaluated. Some times we just need a little help getting through all of this. I'm sending you big HUGS and lots of strength. I know you are in a dark place but there is lite at the end of the tunnel sweetheart. Just keep moving forward you'll make it. We're all here for you thinking of you everyday. Take care darlin Kay
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    #31
    TraciInLA said:

    I don't have much more than a hug for you, but it's a BIG one!
    Laura,

    I don't have much advice for you, but am sending you a BIG hug.

    You said that you're on an antidepressant and Xanax, but are you seeing a mental health professional for those, or are those prescribed by one of your doctors? I think you definitely need to ask for a referral to a therapist, someone who can help you with the emotional part of getting through the rest of your treatment.

    Do you get your treatment at some kind of cancer center? Many of them have oncology social workers, who specialize in working with folks like you going through cancer treatment -- no need to "explain" everything to them. Is that a possibility for you?

    Laura, cancer treatment is really, REALLY #@%$ing hard! You need to advocate for yourself and gather all the resources you can to help you get through it -- don't be shy, and if you end up with someone who doesn't understand or who doesn't take you seriously, keep moving and make sure you find someone who does!

    Please let us know how you're doing.

    Traci

    I'm sending you a big hug
    I'm sending you a big hug too Laura. I know many use antidepressants and see therapists to help them with feelings like you have.

    I pray that you will get someone that will help you soon.


    Hugs, Jan
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #32
    smalldoggroomer said:

    Oh know, I'm so sorry you
    Oh know, I'm so sorry you are feeling bad today. You are doing the right thing getting evaluated. Some times we just need a little help getting through all of this. I'm sending you big HUGS and lots of strength. I know you are in a dark place but there is lite at the end of the tunnel sweetheart. Just keep moving forward you'll make it. We're all here for you thinking of you everyday. Take care darlin Kay

    Oh, Laura, please hang in there
    I've just read all the posts and as you can tell--we all know what you're feeling. Glad you are going for an evaluation. Maybe it's just a question of tweaking meds to help you feel better again.

    Please, please know that even though you feel like you're in a black hole right now, things will get better. I remember absolutely hating waking up in the morning at first--just facing that reality yet another day was overwhelming. Fortunately, I was able to get on an anti-depressant that worked for me and you will too.

    This will get better--I promise. Please keep posting--we all care.

    Hugs, Renee
  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    #33
    sinee said:

    Laura
    I know how you feel...I really really do....But know this, please take a moment to just KNOW this...everyone is going to die. Everyone. No one knows when, no one. You don't, I don't, your kids don't, your best friends don't. But each and everyone of us will. What I won't do is live like I am the only one that is not going to die. And when you have a cancer diagnosis, that is where your head goes. That was where mine went. I was stage IV, and I say was, because the doc's got it wrong...so I know that awful feeling, that you are feeling, like I was going insane too. And then it just hit me, what is making me different than my family, my friends, my neighbors? The simple fact, that I now know, I am going to die. They all will too. So I decided that I was going to live from a different view, the same one I had before my diagnosis. The one everyone else walks through life with, unscathed. The one that says, yeah, someday I will die, I don't know when, and I can't change it so I might as well go back to living MY life. The same one that I was living. With my family, with my friends, I know I will live it differently, than they will, I will appreciate it, every minute of it...I say I love you, more than I ever did. I hug more than I ever did, and that is ok....people don't seem to mind, and they usually answer with I love you to...other than that, nothing has really changed, not really. You still don't know that you are going to die at 45 or me at 57, I just might be 67..I might die tomorrow in a car accident..someone else died today from a car accident, they were 25. So death can come anytime. We need to live our life from life, not from what if...so you can't "grasp" dying? good you arent' supposed to be able to. Grasp life, grasp living, grasp one more hug, one more I love you, grasp one more sunset, one more sunrise, grasp one more hand, one more person that needs you to get through their day. Smile. Now is what we have, and no one has anything else. Whatever your thoughts were before you got Cancer, you can have those thoughts right now. Inhale one big breath, go ahead do it right now..feel that, air filled your lungs, you are alive and well...and everyone that died today, didn't get to do that. Live while you are still here. Live Laura, Live now. Be Laura

    Dear Laura, You have so many
    Dear Laura, You have so many amazing women here giving you their input and good sound wisdom from their experiences. I can't add anything except to say just keep putting one foot in front of the other one, breathe slowly and go for life. Breast Cancer is not always a death sentence anymore but we all understand the panic and anxiety. There will come a day when you can see the joy of normal everyday living, I promise you. Just hold on, take it one step at a time, let out your frustrations, believe that you can beat this and win. You are in our hearts and prayers. Sending you lots of hugs, Sunrae
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    #34
    dbhadra said:

    sorry to say back down this morning
    Can;t face another day and my husband is taking me to the mental hospital near us for an evaluation since I am feeling suicidal.

    Laura

    Praying for you Laura!
    Hugs,
    Praying for you Laura!


    Hugs, Jan
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #35
    dbhadra said:

    sorry to say back down this morning
    Can;t face another day and my husband is taking me to the mental hospital near us for an evaluation since I am feeling suicidal.

    Laura

    I have felt that way, too.
    I have felt that way, too. My heart is with you, Laura. xoxoxox Lynn
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    #36
    lynn1950 said:

    I have felt that way, too.
    I have felt that way, too. My heart is with you, Laura. xoxoxox Lynn

    entering out patient treament tomorrow
    I went to the ER today and they referred me to outpatient treatment daily starting from tomorrow. I think I've taken a good step in getting help. A dear friend sent me this link which I think has many good points:

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/depression/Patient/page1

    thanks so much all for the support!
    Laura
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #37
    Laura - there's no magic trick
    Quiet your mind and only you know how. For me it was yoga, music and walks.
    I tuned out everything else. I only talked to the people I wanted to talk to, did
    things that made me feel good and if that meant sleeping till noon so be it. I
    didn't feel an ounce of guilt. I always thought knowledge is power, so I got out
    there and got lotsa books on how our bodies work, nutrition, exercise. We all
    know what makes us feel good - start there. And once you mind is calmer start
    pampering yourself like you would never believe it!! Chocolate, you bet! A massage-
    Yes SiRRReee! How about that road trip? And before you know it, you have unlocked
    your sense of well being and adventure and chased away the gremlin called fear and
    his loyal buddies worry and anxiety. Picture them in your head and tell them to hit
    the road - you have no time to waste with bad company!

    Love,
    Ayse
  • n2summer
    n2summer Member Posts: 17
    #38
    Hi Laura,
    I am on this
    Hi Laura,
    I am on this roller coaster also. I am 41 and today I will get the results at two. I can't sleep at night, cry off and on (more on than off), been completely rude to the husband, I am so sad it is hard for me to get up and take a shower and I don't even no whats it is yet. I lost my dad 7 years ago to throat cancer and my mother got diagnosed last year with breast cancer. My mind won't stop thinking the worse.
    I can't offer and advise but hopefully a little comfort in knowing your not the only one having trouble grasping this crappy hand you were dealt.. I can't even grasp it and the dealer ain't dealt mine yet..


    Hugs,
    Janet
  • Heatherbelle
    Heatherbelle Member Posts: 1,226 Member
    #39
    i've been there too
    Hi Laura *hugs*
    I've gone through the same thing. I've been on anti-depressants half of my life after being diagnosed as manic depressive when i was 20. My depression and anxiety worsened AFTER my treatments stopped. It's been about 10 months since i finished chemo & im just now starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I've been to therapists, and that has helped. I also have been journaling & writing at night before I go to bed, it helps me to "empty out" ann the negative stuff I'm feeling. I have added another anti-depressant after I went to my Dr. last month because my zoloft just didn't seem to be doing it for me anymore. I still get anxious by all the "what-ifs" but i have just accepted that - im doing ALL that I can to fight this, i've had bilateral mastectomies, chemo, im having a complete hysterectomy next month because i've found out im BRCA1 + - i eat healthy, have made fitness a priority in my life, and i live my life with the mindset that my tomorrow is not guaranteed, so I enjoy the little things, i tell those close to me that i love them every day, i try and find joy in all that i do. I don't sweat the small stuff. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, and i still have struggles. I'm sorry you're feeling down, I have been there myself & still have my "off" days. My suggestion would be to see your Dr. about tweaking your anti-depressants. And keep seeing your counselor at your cancer center. Just getting your feelings out is so helpful. Maybe consider journaling at the end of the day? I don't have an official journal - sometimes i write in a notebook, sometimes it will be in the form of an email to a friend, or my husband (and i rarely send them-the point is to just get the feelings out of your head to keep them from clogging up your thoughts!)
    Sending you lots of love & hugs :)
    -heather
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    #40
    dbhadra said:

    entering out patient treament tomorrow
    I went to the ER today and they referred me to outpatient treatment daily starting from tomorrow. I think I've taken a good step in getting help. A dear friend sent me this link which I think has many good points:

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/depression/Patient/page1

    thanks so much all for the support!
    Laura

    You have taken a good step
    You have taken a good step Laura! I pray this will help you.


    Hugs, Megan
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    #41
    debi.18 said:

    BIG Hugs
    Laura,
    Not much to add, sounds like the others have provided lots of good advise. Just wanted to let you know you're in my prayers and that we are all here to support you.

    I ehco VickiSam's motto...Never give in, or Never give up!!

    Lots and lots of Hugs - and more hugs,
    Debi

    Laura, I will be praying
    Laura, I will be praying that you can get some help and feel better. You are not alone, we are here for you.


    Hugs, Lex

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