feel like I am going insane

dbhadra

Hi all:

Ever since my pathology report came back almost a month ago, I have been tortured by aanxiety, depression, crazy thoughts, etc. I can;t get out of the loop of continually thinking about cancer, thinking about dying, trying to turn it over, trying to get it out of my head, praying about it, trying not to think about it, having it come back again and again. I'm honestly at the point where I am thinking about checking myself into the physch ward because I truly feel that I am going nuts. I keep thinking this is some kind of nigth mare that I would wake up from. Mornings are the worse times because as soon as I wake up I suddenly remember that I have cancer and it comes as a shock everytime. I am barely functioning, hardly able to cope with the house, the kids, and I am supposed to start radiation and new chemotherapy next week.

I am on an anti-depressant (Paxil) which I would now need to switch off of because of the side effects with tamoxifin so would be moving to effextor. I am taking Xanax "as needed" (three times a day) but still feel AWFUL. I just don;t know what to do, I feel so helpless and despairing and as if these feelings will never end. I honestly don;t know how much more I can take without having a complete nervous breakdown. I feel like I am very close to a breakdown.

I keep reminding myself that all I have to deal with is today, I don;t have to deal with all the future at once, and that works for a little while, but then all the crazy thoughts come back and I think "what if" . I can;t go on like this much longer and just don't know what to do, I feel like I've reached a complete dead end in my ability to deal with the situation. I don;t know how all of you do with with what seems like comparative peace and serenity.

I just can;t take the thought that I am going to die at age 45; I just can;t grasp it. I try and try to get my mind around it that it could happen, but may not happen, and I can;t get it. I feel like this just can;t be happening to me.

Please, any help, any thoughts would be appreciated, I am desperate.

Laura

TraciInLA

I don't have much more than a hug for you, but it's a BIG one!
Laura,

I don't have much advice for you, but am sending you a BIG hug.

You said that you're on an antidepressant and Xanax, but are you seeing a mental health professional for those, or are those prescribed by one of your doctors? I think you definitely need to ask for a referral to a therapist, someone who can help you with the emotional part of getting through the rest of your treatment.

Do you get your treatment at some kind of cancer center? Many of them have oncology social workers, who specialize in working with folks like you going through cancer treatment -- no need to "explain" everything to them. Is that a possibility for you?

Laura, cancer treatment is really, REALLY #@%$ing hard! You need to advocate for yourself and gather all the resources you can to help you get through it -- don't be shy, and if you end up with someone who doesn't understand or who doesn't take you seriously, keep moving and make sure you find someone who does!

Please let us know how you're doing.

Traci

zahalene

Laura, I echo everything....
...Traci said.
And I will add this. I was dx with cancer the first time at age 38. I am now 63. After 3 dx over a span of 10 years and being in treatment for 15 years straight I finally was able to 'move on'. Just don't ever assume that the place you are in now is where you will always be. There is life after cancer and it is GOOD.
Believe me, I am not minimizing what you are going through now. I related so deeply to every word of your post. It brought back memories of the days I spent in the trenches. I too thought I would loose my mind. But every day I found just enough motivation (I had young kids) to do what had to be done. You will too. Just don't ever stop seeking help whether it is meds or counseling or coming here for support. Avail yourself of every resource, follow every promising lead, give yourself permission to simplify your life in whatever ways you can for the time being.
This is very DOABLE, but as Traci said, it will be hard. That is why we are here and why we make ourselves available for you to lean on.
God bless. Keep us posted.

lynn1950

Laura, Your post really
Laura, Your post really resonates with me. I remember the feelings you express and actually checked myself into the local hospital for a couple of days when I was at my lowest. At the hospital I received larger doses of Xanax and was stabilized. The uncertainty of everything was making me crazy!

When I went back home, I continued with the higher doses of Xanax (which made me sleepy) when I needed it for around 6 months. I also worked my way through some therapists to ones I found could help me. One is a psychiatric nurse practitioner who I see for meds; the other was a therapist who helped reconnect me emotionally and who I no longer see. I will add that meditation and yoga also helped.

It took a while to get the meds right, and that part is really hard. I found that just taking Zoloft wasn't enough, but adding Abilify (which gives the Zoloft a boost)lifted my mental state.

I am now 3 1/2 years out from diagnosis and have my feet back under me. I still take the Zoloft and Abilify and life is very good. I wish you strength and courage as you grow through this painful time.

xoxoxo Lynn

mamolady

I agree with the others
Laura,
It will help to see a professional. Like Traci said, if you don't fit with the first one, try another. I have been seeing some one since I started treatment and it has kept me focused. Not to say I don't have bad days, but the bad days don't take over.

This is the one of the hardest things a person can face, it's important to have help!

Cindy

dbhadra

mamolady said:

I agree with the others
Laura,
It will help to see a professional. Like Traci said, if you don't fit with the first one, try another. I have been seeing some one since I started treatment and it has kept me focused. Not to say I don't have bad days, but the bad days don't take over.

This is the one of the hardest things a person can face, it's important to have help!

Cindy

I have recently started seeing an oncology therapist
at our local Life with Cancer Center and it's been helpful. We have only had two sessions so far. I really do think that I need a medication adjustment as I have taken Paxil for a long time and I feel like it's just not working anymore and/or is not enough in this situation. Plus due to Tamoxifin I need to switch off to Effector or something else (there is one other that goes OK with Tamoxifin)

I was diagnosed in Dec 2010 but feel that I never dealt with all of the feelings that go with getting cancer, it was only after my chemo was done that I started getting the extreme anxiety and then depression. I can;t deal with the thought that I would have to deal with having cancer every day of my life forever, I can;t get beyond the thoughts of cancer and out into anything else, it;s become so obsessive it's taken over my life it;s like that's all there is, there is nothing else.

I can hardly relate to or talk to my kids, I try to function in that I am able to feed them and drive them places, but interacting with them is so painful for me since I keep feeling I am going to leave them shortly when I die, of course, from cancer!!! I understand at some level that my thoughts are totally irrational and can even see that at times when I am semi-sane - I am not dying today of cancer, I may never die from cancer and I am wasting the time that I am alive!!!

Thanks for all your honest replies, it really helps to know that I am not alone.

Laura

natly15

dbhadra said:

I have recently started seeing an oncology therapist
at our local Life with Cancer Center and it's been helpful. We have only had two sessions so far. I really do think that I need a medication adjustment as I have taken Paxil for a long time and I feel like it's just not working anymore and/or is not enough in this situation. Plus due to Tamoxifin I need to switch off to Effector or something else (there is one other that goes OK with Tamoxifin)

I was diagnosed in Dec 2010 but feel that I never dealt with all of the feelings that go with getting cancer, it was only after my chemo was done that I started getting the extreme anxiety and then depression. I can;t deal with the thought that I would have to deal with having cancer every day of my life forever, I can;t get beyond the thoughts of cancer and out into anything else, it;s become so obsessive it's taken over my life it;s like that's all there is, there is nothing else.

I can hardly relate to or talk to my kids, I try to function in that I am able to feed them and drive them places, but interacting with them is so painful for me since I keep feeling I am going to leave them shortly when I die, of course, from cancer!!! I understand at some level that my thoughts are totally irrational and can even see that at times when I am semi-sane - I am not dying today of cancer, I may never die from cancer and I am wasting the time that I am alive!!!

Thanks for all your honest replies, it really helps to know that I am not alone.

Laura

Laura sending you bunches of
Laura sending you bunches of hugs. You are not alone and as obsessive as you think you may be, you are also quite rational. You know you may never die from cancer, but the wear and tear on the body and the emotions can be really difficult. So happy you are seeing a therapist. I think you have some of your answers already regarding medication. Honestly as difficult as it is, "this too shall pass" seems to help me. You will get thru this, and I encourage you to get all and any type of help you need to get thru it. Hang in there sister. (((HUGS)))

VickiSam

dbhadra said:

I have recently started seeing an oncology therapist
at our local Life with Cancer Center and it's been helpful. We have only had two sessions so far. I really do think that I need a medication adjustment as I have taken Paxil for a long time and I feel like it's just not working anymore and/or is not enough in this situation. Plus due to Tamoxifin I need to switch off to Effector or something else (there is one other that goes OK with Tamoxifin)

I was diagnosed in Dec 2010 but feel that I never dealt with all of the feelings that go with getting cancer, it was only after my chemo was done that I started getting the extreme anxiety and then depression. I can;t deal with the thought that I would have to deal with having cancer every day of my life forever, I can;t get beyond the thoughts of cancer and out into anything else, it;s become so obsessive it's taken over my life it;s like that's all there is, there is nothing else.

I can hardly relate to or talk to my kids, I try to function in that I am able to feed them and drive them places, but interacting with them is so painful for me since I keep feeling I am going to leave them shortly when I die, of course, from cancer!!! I understand at some level that my thoughts are totally irrational and can even see that at times when I am semi-sane - I am not dying today of cancer, I may never die from cancer and I am wasting the time that I am alive!!!

Thanks for all your honest replies, it really helps to know that I am not alone.

Laura

Laura, You must be reading my diary
Unable to function as a mother or wife -- been there .. so much so, that my husband took leave from his job(25 years at the same place of employment, so it was easy leave), became both Mother and Father to our two teen aged children. He cooked, or when to get dinner most nights -- hauled our daughter to school and after school function (I could not even attend, Alexandra's high school graduation due to low WBC counts, after staph infection that penetrated my right tissue expander, emergency surgery - 5 day hospital stay -- because I am allergic to penicillium) .. my story and journey goes on and on with additional road blocks, stumbles and falls. My point is make time .. for you kids -- even while in bed or lay-ed out on your recliner to converse -- and re-connect with your kids. If there is family willing to help transport you kids, cook for your family -- please take them up on their offers.

We have HOPE .. we have breast cancer -- there are hospitals, Oncologists, Specialist to help us during our journey. I became so angry with my situation that my anger provided me with strength -- I refused to let cancer take another thing away from me, my life or my family.

Oncology mental specialist sounds amazing, and so familiar with the highs and lows of cancer -- including how this beast affects our family unit, and spousal relationships.

My motto .. "Never give in, or Never give up"

Strength, Courage and Hope.

Vicki Sam

laurissa

Hi Laura
It is very hard going through all this. Faith is what keeps me going and xanax. We don't know how we're going to leave this world. It may not be cancer but something else. I do worry about leaving my daughters too soon. I'm 51 and they're 18 and 21. I want them to have more faith, that would help them. I'm on chemo again for recurrance and thats rough, but that means it's working, I guess. Good luck, Laura.

Gabe N Abby Mom

dbhadra said:

I have recently started seeing an oncology therapist
at our local Life with Cancer Center and it's been helpful. We have only had two sessions so far. I really do think that I need a medication adjustment as I have taken Paxil for a long time and I feel like it's just not working anymore and/or is not enough in this situation. Plus due to Tamoxifin I need to switch off to Effector or something else (there is one other that goes OK with Tamoxifin)

I was diagnosed in Dec 2010 but feel that I never dealt with all of the feelings that go with getting cancer, it was only after my chemo was done that I started getting the extreme anxiety and then depression. I can;t deal with the thought that I would have to deal with having cancer every day of my life forever, I can;t get beyond the thoughts of cancer and out into anything else, it;s become so obsessive it's taken over my life it;s like that's all there is, there is nothing else.

I can hardly relate to or talk to my kids, I try to function in that I am able to feed them and drive them places, but interacting with them is so painful for me since I keep feeling I am going to leave them shortly when I die, of course, from cancer!!! I understand at some level that my thoughts are totally irrational and can even see that at times when I am semi-sane - I am not dying today of cancer, I may never die from cancer and I am wasting the time that I am alive!!!

Thanks for all your honest replies, it really helps to know that I am not alone.

Laura

Laura,
You've had great
Laura,

You've had great advice so far, and remember we're here for you 24/7. That you are reaching out and seeking help is the right thing to do.

I'm really glad you are considering an adjustment in your meds, please follow up with that. Is your oncology therapist available more frequently? Can you schedule a daily check in by phone or email? Weekly visits instead of bi-weekly?

The rational side of you that shows up regularly means to me that you will get through this. It sure isn't easy, but I have faith that you will get to the end of this tunnel.

Hugs,

Linda

debi.18

laurissa said:

Hi Laura
It is very hard going through all this. Faith is what keeps me going and xanax. We don't know how we're going to leave this world. It may not be cancer but something else. I do worry about leaving my daughters too soon. I'm 51 and they're 18 and 21. I want them to have more faith, that would help them. I'm on chemo again for recurrance and thats rough, but that means it's working, I guess. Good luck, Laura.

BIG Hugs
Laura,
Not much to add, sounds like the others have provided lots of good advise. Just wanted to let you know you're in my prayers and that we are all here to support you.

I ehco VickiSam's motto...Never give in, or Never give up!!

Lots and lots of Hugs - and more hugs,
Debi

grams2jc

So Familiar
I completely get what you are saying...should be happy but find myself crying. Worried about dying and feeling like I am wasting what time I have left, not wanting to leave my family and wondering how they will do without me, while worrying that they won't even miss me. Some days are better than others, some days I don't think about it for whole 1/2 hour stretches, yes it seems to be scarier since active treatment has stopped and I am "on my own". How do I know if it has come back when I didn't know I had it in the first place?

I applaud you for going to the therapist and knowing that you need a medication change. My question is...can you get away for a couple of days? We went on a short trip and I was able, after about 3 days, to let some of it go, I think just being out of my usual environment and daily cancer reminders, and it has helped a lot. Can you go hang out in a relative's guest room where nobody will require anything from you, or check into a motel and just sleep?

I don't think you sound crazy, I think you sound very sane for what your body and mind are going through. I know that for me some days are 1/2 a Xanax days and some days are 3 full doses.

Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you,

Jennifer

stayingstrongfortoday

grams2jc said:

So Familiar
I completely get what you are saying...should be happy but find myself crying. Worried about dying and feeling like I am wasting what time I have left, not wanting to leave my family and wondering how they will do without me, while worrying that they won't even miss me. Some days are better than others, some days I don't think about it for whole 1/2 hour stretches, yes it seems to be scarier since active treatment has stopped and I am "on my own". How do I know if it has come back when I didn't know I had it in the first place?

I applaud you for going to the therapist and knowing that you need a medication change. My question is...can you get away for a couple of days? We went on a short trip and I was able, after about 3 days, to let some of it go, I think just being out of my usual environment and daily cancer reminders, and it has helped a lot. Can you go hang out in a relative's guest room where nobody will require anything from you, or check into a motel and just sleep?

I don't think you sound crazy, I think you sound very sane for what your body and mind are going through. I know that for me some days are 1/2 a Xanax days and some days are 3 full doses.

Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you,

Jennifer

I was resistent
to xanax at first but now when the thoughts are too much and just need to "turn them off" I will take half a pill. It is so easy to get caught up in the what ifs because I do it too. Just remember as much as you might not like it we have to take a day at a time and that is hard to do. Will be thinking and praying for you!

Annette 11

Laura, I don't come on here
Laura, I don't come on here alot lately but I just read your post and want to say you are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry you are going through this terrible anxiety. Yes BC does make us think of the worse but try to block those thoughts and focus on living each day. Spending special time with your children and husband when you feel up to it, play games,etc. get out of the house together. I know it's hard to do these things while going through treatment, but you may have days that you will feel ok.
God Bless.
Hugs,
Annette

disneyfan2008

Journals
May sound simple or silly..but a friend gave me a journal..I thought silly at first but still wrote in it daily...often...etc..then once I started Ratiation the cancer ctr gave me a journal/some info and poems etc..and I wrote in that also...I look at it from time to time and some I forgot about until read them..but anyhow..HELPED me quite a bit...

Denise

disneyfan2008

another thought...I did this
another thought...I did this for my self...maybe a distracation but helped me..

I planned my first ever girls trip only with long time friend...so as i laid on radiation table or in Dr office etc..I kept thinking of the trip...

we wentn to Disney, but it doesnt' have to be anything big...just over night in local hotel or somethingn special...my girls bought me certificate to spa..I saved once I was over with treatments...just a good thing at the ned of it...well there is never an end but of this chapter...

i wish you well...

New Flower

natly15 said:

Laura sending you bunches of
Laura sending you bunches of hugs. You are not alone and as obsessive as you think you may be, you are also quite rational. You know you may never die from cancer, but the wear and tear on the body and the emotions can be really difficult. So happy you are seeing a therapist. I think you have some of your answers already regarding medication. Honestly as difficult as it is, "this too shall pass" seems to help me. You will get thru this, and I encourage you to get all and any type of help you need to get thru it. Hang in there sister. (((HUGS)))

Hugs
I am sorry, I was diagnosed at 46 three years ago. I understand your shock. In addition to therapist ask for referral to consult with psychiatrist, who work with cancer patients. Psychiatrist can offer better combination of anti-depressants and anti-exiety medication to improve your conditions.
Have you look at WEllness Community in your area? THEY HAVE GENLE YOGA AND MEDITATION CLASSES, PAINTING AND ART TOO

LoveBabyJesus

Normal.
Hi. I am sorry you feel this way too. I understand and get it. I too have gone through these thoughts and fears. Recently went to see a therapist (33 year survivor).

Everyone gave you great advice. But here's another note I wanted to add. My therapist was going crazy too at first. She thought she would die from this illness. Until she was hit by a car and did a couple of flips in the air and landed on the street (I know, not a good tone either). She was laughing on the st. while having pains from the accident. The cab thought she was crazy. She realized then, anything could happen to her. We just DON'T know when or how. (I think this exp. might have gotten her the job at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center).

I try to think of this as follows: We will all die one day, and even though we were dx with this - it doesn't mean this would be it. I am glad I am been watched closely for my health (I am 33, and most Dr.s ignore us because we are "too young" to get sick)). But I will never be watched for a plane crash, a car accident, a heart attack, someone pushing me off the bridge, drowning, etc. My point is, yes, we have this, but we are been watched and monitored, and treated closely so we can have as much as a "normal" life as possible.

This too shall pass. It's a hard/difficult process. But this too shall pass.

I will have you in my prayers. You will be OK.

carkris

LoveBabyJesus said:

Normal.
Hi. I am sorry you feel this way too. I understand and get it. I too have gone through these thoughts and fears. Recently went to see a therapist (33 year survivor).

Everyone gave you great advice. But here's another note I wanted to add. My therapist was going crazy too at first. She thought she would die from this illness. Until she was hit by a car and did a couple of flips in the air and landed on the street (I know, not a good tone either). She was laughing on the st. while having pains from the accident. The cab thought she was crazy. She realized then, anything could happen to her. We just DON'T know when or how. (I think this exp. might have gotten her the job at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center).

I try to think of this as follows: We will all die one day, and even though we were dx with this - it doesn't mean this would be it. I am glad I am been watched closely for my health (I am 33, and most Dr.s ignore us because we are "too young" to get sick)). But I will never be watched for a plane crash, a car accident, a heart attack, someone pushing me off the bridge, drowning, etc. My point is, yes, we have this, but we are been watched and monitored, and treated closely so we can have as much as a "normal" life as possible.

This too shall pass. It's a hard/difficult process. But this too shall pass.

I will have you in my prayers. You will be OK.

In my best moments I tell
In my best moments I tell myself that we are all going to die, but not today (I hope) the meteor could hit tomorrow and destroy the earth and we will all be gone. then I spent all this time worrying. the one thing I know is I am rather obsessive, worry wart and the lexapro makes it all so much easier. I hate having this hanging over me, and I hate feeling like I have an expiration date. but I deal. I do know that all meds dont work for all people. I also tend to use distraction, left too much alone with my thoughts is not a good thing. However just to know, many people experience this anxiety afte rchemo, because they feel they are no longer taking something to fight the disease, this gets better as you have more and more good checkups. Unfortunately its not overnight , its a process.

gami43

carkris said:

In my best moments I tell
In my best moments I tell myself that we are all going to die, but not today (I hope) the meteor could hit tomorrow and destroy the earth and we will all be gone. then I spent all this time worrying. the one thing I know is I am rather obsessive, worry wart and the lexapro makes it all so much easier. I hate having this hanging over me, and I hate feeling like I have an expiration date. but I deal. I do know that all meds dont work for all people. I also tend to use distraction, left too much alone with my thoughts is not a good thing. However just to know, many people experience this anxiety afte rchemo, because they feel they are no longer taking something to fight the disease, this gets better as you have more and more good checkups. Unfortunately its not overnight , its a process.

My prayers are with you
My prayers are with you Laura. Anxiety can be so debilitating and
freezes one up to where they think they are stuck; but you are doing
the best thing:seeing a counselor,taking your meds and reaching out.
Keep reaching out and venting how you are feeling,we are here.
Hold on tight and fight like a girl!

God bless,
Teresa

dbhadra

gami43 said:

My prayers are with you
My prayers are with you Laura. Anxiety can be so debilitating and
freezes one up to where they think they are stuck; but you are doing
the best thing:seeing a counselor,taking your meds and reaching out.
Keep reaching out and venting how you are feeling,we are here.
Hold on tight and fight like a girl!

God bless,
Teresa

thanks so much for all your wonderful heartfelt replies
and so good to know that I am not alone with these crazy feelings. I came very close to having my husband take me to a mental hospital today because I felt I just could not take it anymore. But instead took my prescribed Xanax and listened to one of my healing tapes. And here I am at the end of another day, one more day at a time. I keep feeling that it has to get better at some point, but that is so hard to believe when you are right in the middle of it.

thank you, thank you, again, all who replied to let me know that others have had these feelings too.

Laura