Nancy is with the angels now

carolenk said:

The terrorist called cancer
I am so very sad about Nancy591's death because she died so young and was so NOT wanting to go. I looked up Nancy's first posting on September of 2009 & read that she was "terrified" by her diagnosis & recurrance (that was the word she used in the post).

I hope that Nancy was able to put her mind at peace at some times during her day for the last couple of years of her life. I know Nancy was prepared to "be there" for her kids for the future so that may have given her some solace. It really makes me angry that cancer is not only a devastating diagnosis and disease of the body but a terrorist of the mind, too.

Carolen

Cafewoman53 said:

I did not log on yesterday
This is expected but terribly distressing news. Each day is so precious, how unfair that her children have to grow up without her ! I hope her family heals as quickly as humanly possible from this loss. I always love my family but I will hold them a little closer today...
Colleen

Hissy_Fitz said:

Some of you have expressed
Some of you have expressed shock and dismay at Nancy's seemingly quick decline. It wasn't as sudden as it might have seemed.

Nancy told me in early March, when I saw her in NYC, that her CA125 was approaching 10,000 and the Taxol was not working. She was at MSKCC to see if Dr Sabbatini could offer her any options. She said to me, in a very quiet voice - almost a whisper, so her husband didn't hear - "I know I'm dying, but I don't want to give up." I tried to answer her, to give her some reassurance, but as soon as I started to speak, my throat closed up, my voice cracked and I knew I couldn't say anything or I would start crying. It was one of the most poignant moments of my entire life.

I talked to Nancy via text message and phone for the next two months. In early April she told me that she was still reading the board but could not bring herself to post. She was just so discouraged, and very frightened.

Right before I was due in NYC for my May appointment, she sent me a message that she was in MSK's main hospital, and if I could catch the shuttle from the treatment center in Manhattan, she'd love to see me. I knew by then that she was having a lot of pain, that she had been basically unable to eat since Easter, and that the ascites was really bad - not just in her belly, but in her groin and feet/legs, as well. As soon as I saw her, I knew. She looked just like Linda Dorion did in the last weeks of her life. I cried all the way home.

Nancy's team of doctors, including Dr S, recommended that they install a catheter so she could drain the ascites herself (they were taking 3-4 liters a day off her abdomen) and send her home with pain management and palliative care. They told her she had only about 4 weeks to live, but Nancy told them she was absolutely not going to die in 4 weeks, and she made them promise that if she got strong enough, they would start her back on chemo.

I talked to Nancy's sister and her mom about 10 days ago. They said she was determined not to give up, and mentally - spiritually - she never did. Her body just couldn't take any more. I suspect her liver had begun to shut down at that point, because her mom said she was very jaundiced.

I wasn't as surprised as some of you, but that did not make it any easier. I'm sorry I couldn't be more forthcoming in my posts. I kept hoping against hope that Nancy would rally enough to read the message boards. I wanted to believe that she would prove them wrong. I wanted to believe she wasn't dying.

Nancy and I joined this group the same month, Sept of 2009, although she was diagnosed a year earlier and I was a very frightened newbie. We had a very special friendship and I feel privileged to have known her. But I also feel horribly selfish because I know that her family is hurting a million times worse than I am.

I said so many prayers for Nancy - lit so many candles. I'm not speaking to God right now. This is so unfair. He needs to give us something. Anything. A reliable way to detect it early. A vaccine to prevent it. Or a drug that will cure it.

I thought that if any of us could beat it, Nancy would be the one. She was young, healthy, and getting the best of cutting edge treatment. She was an RN, and had always practiced good health habits. If someone like that can't survive, then what chance do the rest of us have?

Thank you all for listening to a crazy lady rant and rave. I had to hold it all together yesterday because I had promised to host a birthday party for one of my granddaughters. Once it was over and everyone left, I kind of feel apart. Fortunately I made her cake on Friday, or Lord only knows what she would have ended up with. I've had a dozen pots of coffee since Saturday morning, no sleep, and no food. Unless you count wine. I forgot about the 3 glasses of wine.

Carlene

nancy591 said:

My MOM
As many of you now know, my mother is no longer with us. As hard as it is for me to take the time to right this, but I know it's what she would have wanted. She would want everyone to know that she did not die in pain, and that she never once gave up. She left no stone unturned, in reguards of treatments to take. She tried her hardest to stay with us as long as possible, and took the time that she did have here to prepare us all for the long dark road ahead. She took out time to make DVD's, write letters, and cards, just incase she didn't make it past this. With my mother it was always, she was going to take the cancer or the cancer was gonna take her. And she did go down fighting. I am deeply saddened for my brothers and the life that they now have to life without her, without her guidance, without her support. I am greatful for the life that I was given, and my precious time with her, 24 years just wasnt long enough. The only upside is, that she is no longer sick, she no longer has to live with this disease. My heart goes out to all of you women, and I sincerely hope that none of you, or your families ever have to go through this. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my whole entire life, I don't see how this is going get any easier, though I am often reminded that in time it will. The only advice I can give to any of you, is not to take even one second for granted, make the most out of every minute. And lastly (for this post anyway, I'm sure you'll hear from me again) I thank you for your support, my mother often felt comfort from each and every one of you. My condolences also go out to every one of you, from reading posts I understand how important she was to you as well, I saddened for your loss as well. Take care everyone and I hope you can find some comfort in this.

kikz said:

It is so painful to keep coming back to this board
but I will because I receive so much. I am now part of this sisterhood for the rest of my life. I share all of your feelings. Be it sadness, joy, apprehension, hope, fear, love or any of the countless emotions that we experience along this journey. I do not want this disease anymore. I want to wake up to my old life but of course I can't. I read that we are a small group by comparison for example to our pink sisters. Maybe I am biased but I feel there is a disproportionate amount of beautiful women in our club. When I use the word beautiful; I mean in every way. I cried while reading Carlene's and Cheryl's posts. Nancy is a perfect example of what I am awkwardly trying to express. A sweet loving woman who just wanted to be with her family and live life. Damn this monster for denying her such a simple request.

Karen

nancy591 said:

My MOM
As many of you now know, my mother is no longer with us. As hard as it is for me to take the time to right this, but I know it's what she would have wanted. She would want everyone to know that she did not die in pain, and that she never once gave up. She left no stone unturned, in reguards of treatments to take. She tried her hardest to stay with us as long as possible, and took the time that she did have here to prepare us all for the long dark road ahead. She took out time to make DVD's, write letters, and cards, just incase she didn't make it past this. With my mother it was always, she was going to take the cancer or the cancer was gonna take her. And she did go down fighting. I am deeply saddened for my brothers and the life that they now have to life without her, without her guidance, without her support. I am greatful for the life that I was given, and my precious time with her, 24 years just wasnt long enough. The only upside is, that she is no longer sick, she no longer has to live with this disease. My heart goes out to all of you women, and I sincerely hope that none of you, or your families ever have to go through this. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my whole entire life, I don't see how this is going get any easier, though I am often reminded that in time it will. The only advice I can give to any of you, is not to take even one second for granted, make the most out of every minute. And lastly (for this post anyway, I'm sure you'll hear from me again) I thank you for your support, my mother often felt comfort from each and every one of you. My condolences also go out to every one of you, from reading posts I understand how important she was to you as well, I saddened for your loss as well. Take care everyone and I hope you can find some comfort in this.