Had first (strange) dream about husband

Pennymac02 said:

Weird Dreams
Hello Stargzr,
The only dreams I've had of Mike have been weird. I've had a couple where he's walked thru the door and announced that he wasn't dead, he was just in hiding. In my dream I feel dismayed at his announcement, because I think to myself, "Oh crap. I've got to get on that care giving treadmill again." then I wake up. They are very guilt inducing.

I did have a very strange experience the other day, tho. I was home alone after work, and was looking up at our wedding photo on the wall.I could have sworn I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and I'm sure I felt a brief, slight touch on my ring finger just where my wedding ring sits. I'm not what that was or why it happened, but it definitely was very strange. Anyone else?
Penny

Pennymac02 said:

Weird Dreams
Hello Stargzr,
The only dreams I've had of Mike have been weird. I've had a couple where he's walked thru the door and announced that he wasn't dead, he was just in hiding. In my dream I feel dismayed at his announcement, because I think to myself, "Oh crap. I've got to get on that care giving treadmill again." then I wake up. They are very guilt inducing.

I did have a very strange experience the other day, tho. I was home alone after work, and was looking up at our wedding photo on the wall.I could have sworn I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and I'm sure I felt a brief, slight touch on my ring finger just where my wedding ring sits. I'm not what that was or why it happened, but it definitely was very strange. Anyone else?
Penny

luz del lago said:

Same here...
The first dream I had about Dennis after he passed was pleasant. We were in a foreign country, listening to a guitarist, enjoying a beer on a balcony. Each time I would set me beer down on the balcony rail, a ring of fire would begin to burn under the can of beer! I would lift it up and blow the fire ring out, but as soon as I placed it back down, it would catch again! As we stood there, he had his arm around my waist, and I could feel our love and comfort with each other. Watching out unto the street, an elderly man that was selling birds, beautiful birds, was crying loudly and upset and telling all that would listen that his birds were dying. And yes, there, upon a brick wall lay several birds that were dead. My heart went out to him. All of a sudden, a beautiful turquoise horse ran through the street!

I have had but two more dreams of my love since then, and in both, I am very hurt and angry at him! One, he has come back to life. All our family is there, and simply over-joyed at this. I am happy, but all I can think of is how amazing God is! We cremated my love, and it was miraculous to me how the Lord was able to "put him back together"! Throughout the dream I get close to him, I talk to him, but he won't speak to me! He speaks some to the others, as they are telling him that he has come back. He appears a bit weak and dazed. He is starving and eats, which I am glad for. I also begin to think and question, to myself, is he still ill, does he still have cancer, will he die again? And still, he does not speak to me, which angers and hurts me terribly!

The last dream involves friends and a party or gathering. We are there, I am ready to leave as I am upset with him since he has managed to spend the whole time away from me. We even argue! So hurt and frustrated!

I keep a "dream" journal on my nightstand and write me dreams down as soon as I wake up. Of course, some, even I can't remember clearly enough to write them down. But these, I did. My dear therapist and I discussed them. I am still angry at Dennis for having been in such denial that he allowed precious time to be lost. I am angry at him for not taking the time to express many things to me before he passed. Angry because he just left me hanging! No good bye, no I'm sorry you will be left alone. No, be happy, go on living, I'll be watching over you...

I know that little by little I am forgiving him for that, but darn those dreams! They seem to dig up the past hurts and open the wounds up again. Another phase of the grieving process, I suppose.

Signs? Sensing his presence? Three days after he passed, I stepped outside. We had been under gloomy skies and cold days, but this one day, the sun shone bright, blue skies and warm. I closed my eyes and faced the sun to get some warmth when two green dots flashed repeatedly. They seemed to draw near then move away for several moments. I opened my eyes and they were still there. Closed them again, and little by little an image began to form. It was Dennis' face. He appeared as he looked before cancer, but his eyes were closed. I opened my eyes, I closed them, I rubbed them, but his image remained. I whispered, is that you, my love? No sound or voice, but I heard his voice in my mind saying, yes. Dennis' eyes were the most beautiful green. Please don't think I'm crazy, but when he had breathed his last breath, and I was left alone with him, I gently lifted his eyelid so that I could see his beautiful green eyes one more time.

Whenever I close my eyes now, I still see his image. It is clearer in the daylight, and if I have been crying and grieving, it is more difficult to make out. My sister says that it is the sorrow that blocks it. I tend to believe what she says may be true, as his image is much clearer when I have succeeded in accomplishing something, or I am happy with the kids and my granddaughter. I have even seen the image with my eyes open, now, as time has passed. I can look at the wall and see it, not on the wall, but in my eyes.

So, is my grief and sorrow so deep that I am "imagining" this image? Am I clinging so hard to him that my mind has produced this image? Or has he come to stay and be with me until I am better? I have even begun to wonder, maybe even fear, that if I get better, this image will disappear.

I feel that dreams are sometimes about the fears, angers or disappointments in my life that for some reason I have not been able to have closure on. Not been able to forgive, not been able to get over.

I continue to wish and pray for some kind of "contact" from him. Something that my "human-ness" will comprehend as it being him. Some days I think I am asking for too much, others I think, why not, God can do anything!

You know my therapist earns her salary!!

Lucy

mswijiknyc said:

Same here
Although I have been having weird dreams of late, just none with Pat in them.

skipper85 said:

Angry Dreams

Well it's good to know I'm not the only one who has angry dreams. I've had two dreams about Paul. Both times I woke up livid. The last one he had arranged everything in the freezer and had thrown out all the bread. So I punched him in the stomach (I guess they call that the bread basket but who knows if that's just a coincidence). In my dream Paul looked like he did before the cancer. I can't remember the other dream. I've also had angry dreams about my Mom (beating her up) and my sister (still living). I love my Mom and I never even argue with her. The dreams are just crazy. I've been told that because I try and keep busy during the day my mind processes the grieving at night. I guess I'm in the angry phase right now. I don't feel angry when I'm awake though.

Today was not a good day. I went to Hallmark to look for a birthday card for my son. All I could think about was that Paul wouldn't be signing it and my son is going to notice that and be upset (which of course upset me). I wanted to get out of that store as fast as I could. It's just been one of those sad, painful days. When do they stop?

Skipper

hope0310 said:

Never been much
of a dreamer...or at least never remember them.

I have not dreamt of mom at all....and it really, really bothers me that I don't. Weird...

Stargzr said:

Trying to recreate the conditions
The night before my dream I was putting photos into an album, so the last couple of nights I have continued my project hoping to dream of Bob again. The only other thing that happened a few nights before the dream was that I dozed off while watching TV. I was curled up on the loveseat (not my usual spot) and when I woke up and turned my head, I saw Bob/Bob's image for a split second. He was sitting on the sofa watching TV in my usual spot. He looked like he did before the heavy chemo (full head of hair). So now, of course, I am watching TV on the loveseat hoping to doze off and catch a glimpse of my beloved Bob. I keep hoping that I will start to feel his presence. Perhaps, I am hoping for too much. I don't know.

Stargzr said:

Still waiting for more dreams
I'm sorry that you lost your husband and that you have to be here, but I want to welcome you. I miss my Bob as well, and I keep waiting for more dreams. Sometimes, I have the sense that I have had some dreams about him - but, I don't remember them. I also think that Bob is close. A few things happened recently following times when I was terribly sad that made me sense that he was nearby. When I goggle the symbolism involved in the incidents, it has helped to clarify the incidents. I really hope that you and I (all of us, in fact) will have and remember the dreams that will connect us to our loved ones. It seems like it is so little to ask! This is hard, but at least we can share our experiences. (((HUGS)))